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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Can't take anymore

329 replies

icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 05:03

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I have to get it out and can't talk to anyone irl.
I've also nc, as I know I will regret it later.

Last night me and my husband had another blazing row. I'm convinced he's on heavy drugs and now on a downer. I went to bed at 10.30 and from then until now he's been sat on the bed telling me how he's leaving, I've fucked the kids life up, I'm pathetic just like my mother etc. And in the process woken up the baby 8 times.

Bit of back story as to how I ended up here. I can't believe I'm going to say this, I've never told anyone, tried to tell OH when we first met but he wasn't bothered. He said something along the lines of that's my past and I should deal with it. Anyway, I was abused from the age of 8 up until I was 13/14.
I spent everyday terrified, and to take control back I thought I was only good for one thing (I'm sure you get the picture). I met now husband when I was 15 and because I was so desperate to escape that situation, I married him at 17, I should have seen the warning signs from the beginning, but in my rush to escape my past I over looked that.

The last 12 years have been hell on earth, I've been beaten by oh, emotionally abused to the point I've questioned my own sanity.
Honestly, it's only my 3 dc that keep me going.
Im a Sahm, have no money, no car( he's written off the one I bought with my only savings) and now I feel like I well and truly have fucked up my kids life and I will have to explain to them why daddy has gone. Because I can't keep my mouth shut.

Not really a aibu but I had to let it all out.

OP posts:
ShotsFired · 06/12/2017 11:16

@icanttakeit I only have £25 on me and nothing in the bank, he normally transfers me money on a weekly basis for bills and the food shop.

Time your departure to be when you are "going shopping and paying bills"? Just never come back. You can do this.

PickledPeppermint · 06/12/2017 11:23

OP you are amazing. You can do this. I don't have any words of advice other than to say there are plenty of us on here behind you, plenty of people who are able to give you advice, plenty of people who are here to chat and give you extra support through the most difficult times.

You can do this. You are worth so much more than this.

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 11:30

My biggest fear is my children growing up to resent me. And never being able to trust anyone again.

OP posts:
SleightOfMind · 06/12/2017 11:30

Just wanted to say how brave and strong you are to have dealt with all of this. Your children are so lucky to have such a fantastic mum.
I’m rooting for you with all my heart to get away from this horrific relationship and find the happiness you and your children deserve.

peppykoala · 06/12/2017 11:35

Your kids will grow up to be so proud of you - they will be the ones in 20-30 years on sites like this telling other people how brave their Mum was to escape from this situation and how inspiring you are!

EndofSummer · 06/12/2017 11:37

Keep thinking of your kids, they will propel you.

Don’t be half assed about moving out, you do not want to be continually moving out and back again or seeing him. That will massively escalate things and increase risk.

Contact women’s aid.

midgetgem2211 · 06/12/2017 11:38

You CAN do this! You deserve so much better than the life you have, and so do your children. Please please leave and find your happiness Flowers

Tinselistacky · 06/12/2017 11:39

Op please read your 11.30 post.

This will HAPPEN IF YOU STAY!! Def not if you leave!! I am up north if I can do anything!

Bummybum · 06/12/2017 11:43

They will resent you if you stay. If you stay they may well get taken from you by ss.

You are doing this to give them a better life.

You will look back on this from a happy place i promise you. This is the start, however slow, if you having control, being happy.

Pickledonion24 · 06/12/2017 11:45

Please leave my mum stayed Left when I was 14 I wish she had left sooner my snappy angry grumpy mum is so happy she’s remarried and i just wished she had been happier sooner

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 06/12/2017 11:54

Hi there icanttakeit, we hope you are doing okay this morning, under the circumstances.

We just wanted to re-iterate a couple of numbers to you, with some advice.

The 24hr freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge) is available on 0808 2000 247 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, they ask that you are prepared to not get through immediately. Have a pen and paper or something to write on and leave a voicemail, they will get back to you.

Also, when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

To all the kind supporters, we always ask everyone to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are - and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong.

Much love, everyone. Take care.

Dragongirl10 · 06/12/2017 11:59

Butterfly you are seriously, seriously impressive!

Wish you were Prime Minister right now.....!

I am so glad you got safely away and can show op there is hope for her future

OP can you get a cheap pay as you go phone, and keep it hidden? Put it in a plastic bag in the garden or somewhere....or better still a cheap contract phone that you can send emails from, then you could set up a new email address without him knowing..

Can you also get out to open a new bank account for when you leave for payments to come to you?

Also can you start to collect up kids clothes, essentials, bedding, nappies etc and stash them with your Uncle, bit by bit so he won't notice?

There is great advice from better informed posters here on what support is available, use it and plan well....wish l could be more help...thinking of you..

Mrsdraper1 · 06/12/2017 12:15

I used to work with women fleeing domestic violence, you can do this. If you get help from Women's aid they can move you to another part of the country if neccesary to keep you safe. One of my first clients had moved the length of the country to a hostel as her exp had put out a contract on her.
They can then help you apply for housing.
Don't worry about money, you can claim benefits you'll get help with rent and living costs as long as you need them.
They will help you.
Please leave him, he's a monster. You are not the one ruining people's lives, he is.
Good luck and know that you will make it, it just takes a bit of time to get your self respect back
I really hope things get better for you and the kids

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 12:20

I will do this, for my kids. I'm feeling better than this morning but maybe that's because he's asleep. I know if I'm still in the house when he wakes up it will all start again

OP posts:
calamityjam · 06/12/2017 12:27

This is my dsis story. In June this year, the HT at her dds school asked her to come and speak to him. He had noticed her dp acting strangely. Dsis broke down and told him he was on drugs and EA. She cried her heart out and agreed to HT ringing ss. They sent a sw to school within the hour and took her to the local housing dept. They found her and the dds a place in a women's refuge and phoned me. I got her and packed a bag from my house with essentials and moved her into the refuge. They expected her to arrive with only the clothes on her back They provided everything. Clothes for dds, bedding, toothbrushes etc. They sorted her benefits and entitlements and she stayed a few months until they found her a house. She has never been happier, she started college and her dds a new school. Please do this it will be OK. We are in Bury, nr Manchester. If you need a lift and you are near me, pm me and I will come and pick you up. If for any reason you were not who you claim to be it wouldn't be putting me out. (More for mmhq).

Hortonlovesahoo · 06/12/2017 12:29

You can do this OP! Everything can be replaced but you need to focus on you for your kids.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/12/2017 12:30

I think it round bd really useful to take an overnight bag for you all to your uncles do that they are there when you need them.

Gudgyx · 06/12/2017 12:33

Rooting for you OP, you can do it!

butterfly56 · 06/12/2017 12:36

Timetogetup0630 Thankyou for being so kind Flowers

I just felt the need to tell the story because it is really difficult to think straight when in that situation and the fear is all consuming.

A Very Happy Christmas to you too Flowers

monkeysee100 · 06/12/2017 12:43

Please get out now.

I was with an emotionally abusive partner when I was young. It never got as bad as you have suffered and I'm so glad we never had children together.

Go to the school. Someone said they've seen it all before and they have. They will have contacts, a phone and maybe even clothes of you need them.

If you set up a gofundme or something I'd happily donate what I can.

TheViceOfReason · 06/12/2017 12:48

Please OP, don't mess about trying to sneak things out the house into a car.

It WILL be dangerous for you and your children. You have no idea if he is secretly filming or recording you. Please, please, please, get all the children out the house and go to the police, the school, even a church and tell them everything.

Can you name your nearest big town? It wouldn't identify you and might well mean that someone near by can give you some real life help / support / advice - if you were near me i could very easily rustle up a couple of burly blokes and get you out safely - with your things - and to a safe place.

Forget all the stuff - it doesn't matter and is not worth him finding out.

QuiteLikely5 · 06/12/2017 12:52

Well done op. I’m absolutely rooting for you. You will likely find your children are delighted once you are away from the abuser.

They start to feel safe; less anxious; once they realise the abuser is not coming back they will emerge much happier and content.

You can do this.

cordeliavorkosigan · 06/12/2017 12:53

You are strong and you can do this. Your DC will be so so much better for it, too - and of course you will be so, so much happier.
I think previous posters are right that the school will help, they have seen it all before, and the most important thing is just to get out and never look back.

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 12:54

Calamityjam, thank you so much for your offer.* I'm in west yorks. Still waiting on a call back from BiL.*
Mum is more than happy for me to go there whenever I need to and said we will deal with the threats as and when we have to.**

Butterfly- I forgot to add, I do have my own keys but last night, I think he knew I'd had enough, he took them up to bed with him.**

OP posts:
MinorRSole · 06/12/2017 12:54

Another one who broke down in front of the headmistress. She was generally a cow tbh but that day she phoned social services with my consent and this amazing woman appeared in no time. She helped me leave, listened to me talk, organised activities for the children, dealt with the ex and was generally a god send. That first Christmas she arrived at my door laden with gifts and food - given we had left with nothing it was the most amazing thing to ever happen and why I always donate every year now.
She helped me with benefits, I had no idea about anything - had never even heard of dla which my ds1 was eligible for.

Social services won't take your children, all she ever did was build me up and make me believe in myself. Life is so much better now and I can't believe how much better.

I thought I protected the dc from it but the relief was palpable - in fact my dd was 4 at the time and actually said "I'm so happy daddy doesn't live here, he's so mean". She would skip round the house - it was eye opening

Biggest favour you can do your dc is to leave.

And you don't deserve this, you didn't deserve the childhood abuse and you don't deserve this.

I know that was long but just to add I felt rich when I left - benefits might not be much but when you've been financially controlled and given peanuts to feed and clothe your kids then it feels like millions!

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