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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't take anymore

329 replies

icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 05:03

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I have to get it out and can't talk to anyone irl.
I've also nc, as I know I will regret it later.

Last night me and my husband had another blazing row. I'm convinced he's on heavy drugs and now on a downer. I went to bed at 10.30 and from then until now he's been sat on the bed telling me how he's leaving, I've fucked the kids life up, I'm pathetic just like my mother etc. And in the process woken up the baby 8 times.

Bit of back story as to how I ended up here. I can't believe I'm going to say this, I've never told anyone, tried to tell OH when we first met but he wasn't bothered. He said something along the lines of that's my past and I should deal with it. Anyway, I was abused from the age of 8 up until I was 13/14.
I spent everyday terrified, and to take control back I thought I was only good for one thing (I'm sure you get the picture). I met now husband when I was 15 and because I was so desperate to escape that situation, I married him at 17, I should have seen the warning signs from the beginning, but in my rush to escape my past I over looked that.

The last 12 years have been hell on earth, I've been beaten by oh, emotionally abused to the point I've questioned my own sanity.
Honestly, it's only my 3 dc that keep me going.
Im a Sahm, have no money, no car( he's written off the one I bought with my only savings) and now I feel like I well and truly have fucked up my kids life and I will have to explain to them why daddy has gone. Because I can't keep my mouth shut.

Not really a aibu but I had to let it all out.

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 06/12/2017 07:07

Please contact a lady who has a Facebook page called part time working mummy. She can help,you as has contacts all over the country.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 06/12/2017 07:21

If you make an appointment at the doctors don’t cancel it, keep it. GP can help you here.

If not definitely google Women’s aid and your local area and try call your local one. They are fantastic people they will help you and your kids, not just with refuge places but legal help which you need to keep this utter bastard away from you all. He might have tracked down his sister and got her to go home doesn’t mean he will be able to do that to you. Yes social services might well become involved again but if you’re honest with them about his behaviour they will see that you have taken steps to protect the children by leaving him. They will be on your side.

Best wishes to you OP. Hope you can start 2018 without this utter bastards constant abuse.

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 07:27

Hi guys. I must have drifted off to sleep,
I've got a heavy head.

Honestly don't know how I will make it through today. If I take too much with me to school he will notice. I shorts call the police but I am terrified of the repercussions from him.

Girlupnorth, don't have Facebook but is there any other way to contact this lady.
I'm up north too
He will hear me wake the dc up, and it will all start again. But here we go. Will update when I can. Thank you for getting me through a dark few hours.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 06/12/2017 07:41

Don't take anything. Don't do anything to arouse suspicion. I agree - book GP for your baby and head to the surgery. Tell them you and dcs are in danger at hoje and need help to leave. Say she's been coughing in the night and it sounded really strange - you want to get her checked for whooping cough.

Justanothernameonthepage · 06/12/2017 07:47

Will he notice if you do a charity shop run? Just gather some kids favourite bits and put them inside old clothes. Do an actual charity bag first with old bits in case he checks. Or a rubbish bag (with coloured hairband) if you have your bin outside the front.
'cleaning up before Christmas' can sometimes allow a sweep as well.

Tell your parents you want to escape as well. Give them a chance to help. They might be happy to pop round and sneak things out and help you get away to relatives where he doesn't know the address (and tell them to get CCTV for their house and press charges if he becomes aggressive).

Abusers are dangerous when they know you're at a danger point so be careful. Get help for you and your children. If you have to leave with nothing, then leave with nothing.

BulletFox · 06/12/2017 07:50

Is there someone nearby to help you with all this? It's a lot to deal with, especially if you feel a bit physically weak

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 07:57

Kids are currently fighting about who is watching what after school, I've locked my self in the bathroom after being told in pampering the dc by putting their uniforms on the radiators to warm up before they get dressed and non of it will matter in the long run.
He will definitely notice if I start packing things up. I've got a feeling he will know I'm on my phone too.
There's too much to get together, bottles, steriliser, etc.

OP posts:
BulletFox · 06/12/2017 07:59

I think you said he does night shifts? So that would be the best time to do a swoop move and you have this morning to see GP/woman's aid/school etc then organise & go?

ShotsFired · 06/12/2017 08:02

@icanttakeit There's too much to get together, bottles, steriliser, etc.

Forget it all. Just get out. You can come back with the Police if necessary to pack.

SavageBeauty73 · 06/12/2017 08:03

Leave when he leaves for his night shift. Go to your parents as soon as he goes to work

Good luck. You can do it.

Motherbear26 · 06/12/2017 08:06

This is not your fault, he is abusive and you deserve better. I know this all seems overwhelming at the minute and you don’t have to do anything right now, but please try to make some sort of plan to remove yourself from this situation. As others have said, speaking to someone at school is a great idea. They will want to help you, even if you go back home now so you can remove your youngest safely later. You don’t have to live with this forever, but equally you don’t have to leave right this minute if you’re not ready. Just please try to take one small step towards getting away from him today.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and we are all here to do anything we can to help.

Gazelda · 06/12/2017 08:11

If I could reach you right now, I'd be giving you the biggest hug. And I'd be holding your hand while you walk into the school and tell them the whole story and ask for them to help You and the children.
He's knocked your strength out of you, but with help you can find it again. If you can reach out for help, then your life will start to look so much brighter.

Redsippycup · 06/12/2017 08:12

Don't take anything, just what you can fit in the baby's changing bag. Wherever you go (refuge etc) will have a sterilizer etc. Worst case you can use a bucket and Milton.

Spartaca · 06/12/2017 08:17

Don't take anything unusual. Just the kids, head to school and talk to them. Formula can be bought ready made etc. Do you have access to money?

Monoblock67 · 06/12/2017 08:18

This reply has been deleted

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ThisLittleKitty · 06/12/2017 08:19

Ss can take your kids if you don't leave this relationship. Sorry but that's a fact.

divadee · 06/12/2017 08:26

I have nothing else to add to previous very good advice but I hope you are safe and making some plans so you can get out of this hell.

Everyone on this thread will be willing to help in anyway they can.

Dragongirl10 · 06/12/2017 08:28

Oh op l am so angry with Him on your behalf, you do have to find the strength to plan your escape,
move this to relationships, lots of posters have been where you are and can help you to get out without him being warned...so sorry l don't know how to advise, if l could l would come and collect you and your dcs and take you all home with me....please take a step at a time towards your escape and keep posting as we will be thinking of you.

geekone · 06/12/2017 08:29

Please leave please. Take nothing except the kids and go. I know it won't be easy but you need to. Flowers

ginorwine · 06/12/2017 08:31

Just seen this thread
You can do this
You can't live like this
You deserve to be happy again
This step needs to be taken and we are all beside you

Ohffsmalcom · 06/12/2017 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 06/12/2017 08:38

When I left for refuge I do so when my ex was working one of his odd shifts. That way I managed to get our IDs, all the bits I needed to make sure my DC were ok, (one has SNs) medication etc. Someone from refuge picked us up and I didn’t tell a soul beforehand I was so paranoid he’d find out, just as you are.

Please phone Women’s aid they will get you out of there. As for him tracking you down the manager of the one we were at dealt with those types. She called the police every single time the stupid sods turned up on our street. And they were promptly nicked for breaching the orders out on them. You’ve had enough of him and that’s half the battle of getting away and staying away. Good for you. Now get out of there!

toomuchtooold · 06/12/2017 08:50

I don't understand any of this. I'm a good wife

You're lovely. But he's a cunt. And no matter how you behave, he'll still be a cunt. It's hard not to blame yourself when you're being emotionally abused and gaslighted, specially if you've been abused as a child like you were. But none of this is your fault, and it's not your behaviour that's making him behave like this.

I really really hope you get out today. Getting away from him is a Christmas present your kid's will thank you for their whole lives.

I'm wondering how things are with your parents. I wonder if, given your history of abuse, maybe all is not quite well there? Maybe you feel you can't rely on them? Trust your instincts.

AfunaMbatata · 06/12/2017 08:52

You don’t need to take anything . Get the kids to school, then speak to someone there and tell them what is happening and you are trying to escape. That way they can prevent your OH from taking them whilst you are sorting help.
You can get a police escort to go with you to gather your stuff later so try not to worry about that.

You can and will have a happy life. Honestly, this will be tough for now but it’s by far the only right thing to do, not only for yourself but for your children. You can do this, we are all behind you.

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 06/12/2017 09:00

Op please contact Part Time Working Mummy. She will help you. Contact her via email.