Pancreatic. F**king. Cancer

[cheeriosatdawn]

I've probably offended the powers that be with the title, but I'm in a (very) dark place and it's all I have right now.

My mother was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. And by "just" I mean that I learned about the diagnosis about four hours ago.

After some frantic googling, I'm more aware than ever that I know nothing about this disease. I know nothing about treatment, I know nothing about when it makes sense to skip treatment and make the (oh God) last months easier. I. Know. Nothing.

I don't even have the right questions to ask of her doctors.

And, of course, I'm devastated, which means that, well: I'm even more gormless and useless and unhelpful.

But then I go back to google and what I read is basically that my mother will be gone within the year. That this is, no matter what we do, my mother's last Christmas.

God. The writing of that is unspeakably, well: unspeakable.

So: mumsnet: am I unreasonable in feeling that this is just a death sentence for my mother? Does anyone know anything about this appalling diagnosis that they're willing to share?

So sorry OP. Nothing to add that others haven't already said really, but just a virtual handhold and some . Wishing you every strength.

I recently lost my mum to this foul disease. I am heartbroken for you and anybody experiencing the same thing. The initial diagnosis was admittedly one of the most difficult things for me on an emotional level, especially as nobody around me really understood the gravity of it. Pancreatic cancer wasn't something I knew much about, and so I couldn't really begrudge my peers for being similarly clueless. A colleague suggesting a certain type of tea bag as a cure did almost tip me over the edge. No two cancers are comparable and sometimes the bleak prognosis of pancreatic cancer can be glossed over by the ill informed. This is hard.

I researched massively, even on Google, because I needed the cold hard facts. I needed to manage my own expectations of what was to come, no matter how awful. Do whatever makes you feel in control/informed/calm. Unfortunately there are things doctors never told us, and it was only through the internet that we were able to challenge specialists, get the answers we needed and ultimately make the best healthcare decisions.

If I have one piece of advice for you it is to give up absolutely everything you can to spend every moment together and commit 100% to doing your absolute best. Other elements of your life will likely suffer, but there is extraordinary comfort in knowing now that I did everything I could for my dear mum. There is simply nothing I wouldn't have sacrificed. I couldn't give two hoots if I lost touch with a couple of friends who didn't understand my not being around at the weekend, being present is what mattered then and matters now.

From my experience there is no way of knowing what will happen next with pancreatic cancer. Some go on to live for a lot longer than their prognosis and others fade very fast. Palliative care sounds scary because it's not the cure we all so desperately want, but as many others have said, a decent quality of life can be achieved for many.

Please do PM any time if you want to talk. Sending you much strength for the next few days and beyond.

So sorry. What a shock. You aren’t unreasonable to think this is bad, however each case is so different that you’ll need to speak to your mums consultants.

Look after yourself. Your mum is still here. Pace yourself. I had my last Christmas with a parent last year. We knew, cancer too.

Sending love and prayers xx

A colleague suggesting a certain type of tea bag as a cure did almost tip me over the edge.

Sadly this is something that's incredibly common. Lots of the helpful tips involve mangoes. Insensitive twats.

I have family experience of pancreatic cancer. Two people in fact. One with a positive outcome, one not.

So sorry OP
My mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour in 2015. We knew straight away it was terminal.
Along with others who have said it..spend as much time as possible with her. We had a last big xmas for mum and while it was so so hard and emotionally painful to get through I'm glad we did.
My mum never ever spoke about the cancer or being terminal but she gave me permission to speak with her consultant privately so long as I didn't tell her what was said so I got to ask questions then. My mum also had 3 nurse specialists working alongside her consultant, they were brilliant, we had their numbers and could ring them during office hours for advice so maybe you will have access to similar for the questions you will have over the coming months.
Take care x

Really sorry op. Where are you in relation to your Mum right now? However devastated you might be, things are worse for her (sorry I know that sounds trite but I think it gets overlooked sometimes).

My friend’s mum had over 2 years after diagnosis. She had ops but refused chemo or to hear her prognosis. During the two years she lived independently, had holidays and was out walking her dog most days.

Good luck to you and your mum and step away from google.

Do what you feel, OP.
No-one can tell you to do anything different.
I've been where you are (except with DF, not DM) and will try to help if I can.
The one thing I would advise is to insist that you are told how big it is, and where it is. That will lead to you getting more information.
I'm so sorry.

I'm so terribly sorry to hear this, cheeriosatdawn. I haven't any advice for you other than that I agree it's best to try not to google but that's easier said than done.

I'm joining everybody else in thinking of you and your mum and sending best wishes.

My mother in law had it. Total sympathy for you. She had two years.
It had a big impact on what she wanted to eat. We changed Xmas dinner dessert for tiny shot glass puddings so she could have something and join in.
It's a bastard of a disease.

Thinking of you, your mum and whole family .

So sorry to hear this OP, I lost my lovely Dad in september to pancreatic fucking cancer, you are absolutely right to call it that. It was diagnosed very late as is often the case with that cancer - stage 4. I'm afraid I don't have a hopeful story for you. I googled about it, I found that helpful actually. Do you know what stage the cancer is at yet? Look after each other [tea]

I’m so sorry 💐

Cancer is a Fucking Bastard

I can’t really add much to what has been said, except to reiterate that we are here for you. The amazing people on MN have helped me get through some pretty dreadful stuff, I hope we can help you too. Just knowing there’s always someone to talk to, a place to cry, shout & let your emotions out can really help.

((Big hugs))

Stop Googling!! It really doesn't help at all!! My beautiful Mother has terminal cancer too, (although a different type), and this will most likely be her last Christmas with us. Try to cherish every moment and do 'normal' things. It's hard, I know, but you have to make the most of every moment. All the best to you and your family. Life can be so shit, and I can't say anything that will make you feel better, (I wish I could), but I'll be thinking of you.

While I’ve had no experience with pancreatic cancer... I’ve had a family member with a ‘common and usually easily treatabke’ Cancer fade very quickly, and one with a deveststing diagnosis shock everyone to still be here today.

Google is tricky. It can be your worst enemy and your best friend, but just take everything with a pinch of salt. I really have learnt first hand that often, the most up to date info you can get is from the doctor.

And definitely plan the most incredible Christmas...

Thinking of you op

My friend's mum and my FIL both had pancreatic cancer about 5 years ago and both survived for about 2 years from diagnosis. The last month or so weren't great and both of them opted to be cared for at home rather than be in hospital.

Make the most of the time you have together, go and do some of the things you might have been putting off, heal any grievances you might have, visit some nice places.

oh OP I am so sorry. My dad had bowel cancer and had treatment for about a year before doctors told him there was no hope. He was given 4 to 6 months after that but died a few weeks later.

I wish I had spoken to my dad's doctors and I wish I had stood up to my SM and spent more time with him.
As others have said, go to appointments with your mum, spend as much time with her as you can.
Thinking of you

My cousin had this. I am very sorry xxx

How very sad, I’m so sorry. No advice but wanted to say I’m thinking of you and your Mum and sending best wishes.

A family member was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Wednesday - on Friday it was confirmed had spread to liver - still in a state of shock - big hugs to you and your Mum

It is such a bastard of a disease. Both you and your mum will need support through this. I found the Macmillan nurses and the hospice staff between them helped us tremendously to understand and cope with the practicalities of the situation. (different cancer but similar prognosis)
stay strong.

I so wish that I had some words of wisdom for you, but I really don't, but I am sending you, your mum and your family kindest thoughts

I've had far too much wine to be moderate, or to pretend I'm not feeling what I feel.

And in all of my horror and grief and confusion what keeps popping into my head is this: my GOD you're an amazing and generous group of human beings.

Beyond outstanding. And far beyond kind. This is...more. Sadly, the adjectives that you deserve utterly fail me.

I read through your posts and am astounded by your openness, generosity of spirit, and deep, wonderful kindness.

In the past hours I've spoken with my mother who is convinced (CONVINCED!) that the doctors have gotten it wrong, that somehow, despite tests and diagnoses, she'll be fine.

That I'm not to make a fuss.

Which, of course, part of me desperately wants to be true, and almost believes IS true, until I do something foolish (read: reasonable) like: reread the flipping Journal of Oncology and realise that...well. It's just as bad as I'd originally thought.

This is real darkness. And, having been blindsided by it, I'm wildly disoriented.

But one thing I know, and can recognise without fear of distortion, is light.

And in this case, that's all of you.

I've said it before, and it sounds abominably trite: but I couldn't be more moved or more grateful. Thank you. Every one. From the bottom of my (once rather jaded) heart.

I am...just so glad you're all here.