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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder where my sex drive has gone to.

33 replies

Quiddichcup · 03/12/2017 22:32

I'm single and have been for a few long time. For the first few years post divorce, I did lots of dating and had lots of sex, mostly because I could.
After a while I was more interested in more serious relationships but still had a casual something every 10 months or so when nothing was happening, to scratch an itch, as it were.

I last had sex 2.5 years ago. I had been on several dates and thought it was going somewhere, slept with him and then immediately after he was very critical of my body and then i never heard from him again.

I vowed there and then never to sleep with someone until I was 100% sure. And so I've been celibate for a very long time.

I've got two men in my life who are very up for a shag. I get kind of interested and then when I actually think about them coming round, it turns my stomach.

I don't know where my sex drive has gone, I used to have a very high drive but I honestly think I'd rather watch a film and have an early night than a pre arranged date where they think they are going to get laid.

Is there something wrong with me?

OP posts:
ReasonableLlama · 03/12/2017 22:35

Could be a number of things like hormones or age. If there are other health issues you might want to speak to a doctor

But I did hear ages ago that the more sex you have, the more you want. So you might find one you start having sex again it comes back. Maybe it's just that you don't like these guys enough?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 03/12/2017 22:41

I'm 39
I have pcos and am on the pill, but have been all of my single years.

I don't know if it's totally gone or if I just want to fancy someone first. I want them to like me, not what they think they can get from me.

I think if I went out and there was flirting and it naturally happened then maybe I might feel differently? But I don't know for sure.

OP posts:
ReasonableLlama · 03/12/2017 22:49

I know what you mean. If sex was pre-arranged or expected then I wouldn't be up for it. But if a cuddle/kiss/whatever leads to sex then I'm much more receptive.

As I've got older I've found I prefer sex within a relationship of sorts (ie not a one night stand or an "agreement"). Are these guys potential relationship material or do you feel they are in it for one thing?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 03/12/2017 23:03

One thing only. Ones been very open about it and I was receptive to it but it seems to me he's forgotten the friends part of fwb and just keeps pestering me for a spare 20 mins.

Baring in mind I don't know him all that well, we haven't even gone out for a drink! It just makes me shut down.

The other I thought had maybe a more boyfriend thing but hes very flakey and then got a bit persistent about coming round the other night to give me a massage. This is after not being in contact for nearly 2 weeks.

My friends say I should just have some fun and I have nothing to lose. But I can't even get a tiny bit interested in the idea. I don't know if it's me that has a problem or it's normal or if I've just lost my sex drive.

OP posts:
SlartyFarkBarstard · 03/12/2017 23:06

Maybe you feel a bit used and it’s put you off? The blokes you’ve been with so far sound like utter twats.Flowers

ReasonableLlama · 03/12/2017 23:10

No one likes being pestered for sex. No wonder you aren't up for it. I remember one ex badgering me for a blow job and complaining I only ever do it when I feel like it (ie when not being begged to).

It's all well and good your friends telling you to have a bit of fun but not everyone can have casual sex without feeling shitty. Only you know how you feel, but if I was you I would be questioning the men I talk to and not my sex life Thanks

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 03/12/2017 23:12

Without a doubt the last one was. I've never experienced something quite so horrible.

But I used to love sex and was happy with my choices until that point. I didn't think I would end up celibate for years but I have. Raising my standards to protect myself has meant I've become a nun. Haha.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 03/12/2017 23:15

Combined pill killed my sex drive. Wasn't noticeable when I was younger but from 35 plus it played havoc with my libido. Thought i'd sex made me feel ill. Pill free i'm back to my old self again and discovering a sex life

Allthewaves · 03/12/2017 23:17

Those blokes sound awful. Perhaps you are at the point you want to have meaningful sex with someone a little special and makes you feel special. Not a quick and easy shag

ReasonableLlama · 03/12/2017 23:22

As I got older I found I enjoyed strings attached sex a lot less too

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 03/12/2017 23:24

Allthewaves. That's exactly what I want. And it hasn't happened, so I've been celibate

And so my sex drive has vanished. I can't get it back at the snap of a finger and some pestering texts

As I said my friends seem to think I should go for it as I must be "gagging " for it having not had it for so long, but I'm not at all. I've got no interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 03/12/2017 23:30

Ones been messaging me all day. Mostly filth. I've been busy but he just says ok and then tries again an hour later. He wants me to respond. Or sex pics or say what I would do to him and it's just so off putting when I'm sat round my mum's having a family dinner. Then I'm home and full from dinner and sorting packed lunches and washing and hes trying it on again. And again when I'm in bed. I've told him I'm not interested a few times. Ive just told him again much more firmly. It's not sexy and it's not a turn on and has killed my libido further.

OP posts:
ReasonableLlama · 03/12/2017 23:33

From what you said I'm pretty sure he's the problem and not your sex drive!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 03/12/2017 23:44

The other one, we had one date, a second was vaguely planned for the following week but he vanished. Two weeks later he pops up and asks me out for a drink. I had plans this weekend so said so. And then he invited himself over. Said I was at home so not busy and he could just come round. I said no. I was at home but was watching films on the sofa with my daughter, who goes to bed at pretty much the same time I do, as she's a teenager. So I wasn't about to let him round. He pushed a bit and finally backed off. Now I really have zero interest in seeing him again at all because I feel like he's just interested in a shag and doesn't much care for who I am as a person.

OP posts:
ReasonableLlama · 03/12/2017 23:48

It's them, not you. Sack them off and find someone u do want to jump into bed with.

Why are you entertaining these men and not shutting them down and ignoring their advances?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 03/12/2017 23:57

Well I'm not entertaining them.
My friends said to me yesterday that I'm being stupid and should have some fun.
I've been busy today.

The first one I've been telling all day that I'm busy and have just sent a firm, this isn't what I want text. I had sent one a few days ago but maybe it was ambiguous.

The second one I shut down Friday when it happened. My friend said I should have waited up and had him come over later and I've just been wondering if I should have and if I'm the problem since.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 03/12/2017 23:58

Finding someone I might want to have sex with is not all that easy , hence the years of celibacy.

OP posts:
ReasonableLlama · 04/12/2017 00:11

Isn't that better than sleeping with someone u don't want to just for the sake of it?

lelapaletute · 04/12/2017 00:15

Your friend's a dickhead. You don't even like these men, far less want to have sex with them! And actually, if you don't want sex, and don't want to want to, iyswim, then that is absolutely fine and not a problem in need of fixing! Enjoy being "unchained from the lunatic" for a while, explore other interests. It may come back when you least expect it! Or it may not. For sure you don't have to have sex just because you haven't in a while, you won't heal over Wink Oh yeah, and get some new mates who don't pressure and shame you to fuck insensitive dick-led wankers.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/12/2017 07:22

It's tons better. I guess they just assume I should because it's offered and i havent had it for a while. But they are married so don't really understand.

Man 1 still didn't get the message and just said sorry and that he would tone it down. Which wasn't what I said at all.

Man 2 has vanished back into the ether and not heard from him since Friday when he tried to come over.

Neither can realise how much their behaviour had put a stop to anything. If they had just had been nice and a bit of flirting and a drink and I might have slept with them. But not now!

OP posts:
BulletFox · 04/12/2017 07:34

Well you don't have to have a drive. It sounds like you want more of a commitment and are cautious about getting into anything, which is fairy nuff.

I was quite pleased to be celibate again after last relationship as he was so good at the g-spot thing I actually felt deranged, like a cat drooling on catnip, it took several months to calm down after it (I swear he damaged my nerve endings)

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 04/12/2017 07:39

They are both married? This thread won't go well op

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/12/2017 07:55

My friends are married. Not the men.

OP posts:
BulletFox · 04/12/2017 07:59

Seriously stay clear if they're married.

Do you want a long term partner?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/12/2017 08:53

I'm not stupid, they aren't married.

I've said my friends are married. Not the men.

Yes a long term partner would be lovely, but it's not that easy finding one. Hence being celibate.

OP posts:
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