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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want Dh "checking" my phone?

107 replies

DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 03/12/2017 06:51

I don't really use it tbf as I mostly rely on my iPod for most things I do (Skype/FaceTime/mn) but i do use it most weeks for something or other...
It's just a basic phone that can just about access the internet after a 5 minute fight with it. It's left on my desk and I plug/unplug it periodically (don't leave it on constantly due to risk of fire). I check it at least once a day while doing this.

Dh started checking it when we were awaiting our foxtel broadband box being delivered, the tracking notification went to my phone. I was ok with that but found it odd that he did so without asking.
He's also accessed my iPod, once, to change the settings on an app. I didn't ask him to he just took it upon himself to do it. After doing so he kept asking questions about stuff like
"Who's John" "whys he messaged you on kik" (to ask me about something work related. Which Dh probably saw). Since then I've put a passcode on my iPod. It's an iPod
Touch, so similar to an iPhone but can't actually make SIM card/normal calls with it.
I have nothing to hide but detest people going through my things. Be it my underwear draw, phone, laptop or a random box of stuff, if it's mine then hands off it. Dh is similar.
Back onto the phone. He keeps checking it,
Almost daily I'll see him picking it up. He saw a text preview on it earlier and has since been asking me "who's Tyler" "whys he messaging you" that would be because I asked him to (he's a landscaper and the text was something like "hi Don't, it's Tyler from y company, do you still need x job doing?", nothing remotely personal!).
I don't like it, but Dh keeps insisting he does it in case I "miss something important". It makes me very uncomfortable and I'm feeling like it's a bit possessive.
Am I being weird or is he being out of order?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 03/12/2017 10:36

I think it may well have been the only thing he could think of to say, that you might miss something important. He quite clearly doesn't trust you. Which could mean that he himself has something to hide?

Either way, regularly checking your partner's phone isn't on, my DH and I never do that to each other. Hmm

HeebieJeebies456 · 03/12/2017 12:21

OP, your dh has a controlling nature - you cannot 'cure' this.
All you can do is manage it by calling him out on it and taking decisive action - like before.

Something has triggered him off again.

It could be his own guilty conscience, when a man wants to cheat/mess about he will always find a way.
You already know he keeps his phone surgically attached to him between getting out of bed in the morning and getting into bed at night
Demand to look at it when he looks at yours - don't give him a chance to delete things (mind you he could delete them asap after receiving them so this in itself doesn't prove much).

Or it could be that he's feeling insecure/jealous of you handling things pretty well without needing to rely/depend on him.
So he's decided he's going to start gaslighting you to fuck with your head and manipulate you into deferring to him Hmm

This stuff is gaslighting -
you might miss something important
but what about this time you forgot/didn't do important thing (the particular examples vary)
If I try to grab my phone off him/tell him no/get to it first while he's doing it he accuses me of being scared, paranoid or having something to hide
I have also said I find it uncomfortable and invasive, but he just says why what do you expect me to find? What are you hiding from me?

You come across as a strong, level headed woman OP.
It's upsetting and kind of scary to hear you say found myself questioning if he maybe had a point... seems a lot of people would be suspicious of me for using kik/a passcode etc

He's worming his way into your head and starting to fuck with your thinking - DON'T LET HIM!

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 03/12/2017 20:07

Koala nobody's phone should be locked? What if it's nicked?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 03/12/2017 20:56

Ignore the bollocks about having a pin code on your phone - plenty of people do (including me). Having one does not indicate that your relationship isn't "normal" Hmm

timeisnotaline · 03/12/2017 21:11

Everybody's phone should be locked. Otherwise if someone swipes it or you leave it somewhere you are exposing your whole life. I made my dh put a lock on his phone. We could check each other's phone anytime we liked by asking for access but I won't have either of us be stupid enough to not have basic security on it.

Gemini69 · 03/12/2017 21:18

Your Husband sounds like HE has something to hide Flowers

ijustwannadance · 03/12/2017 21:25

My ex suddenly started doing shit like this because he was a cheating arse and was trying to find evidence of me cheating so he could blame me.

CrikeyPeg · 03/12/2017 21:27

What Gemini said, either he has something to hide, or he's just an arse. Possibly both. Stop pandering to him with explanations.

Rachie1973 · 03/12/2017 21:38

Koala72
I completely disagree that you should lock your phone, etc.

I think nobody's phone should be locked.

The thieves will thank you for the access to your life.

XmasInTintagel · 03/12/2017 21:47

I think nobody's phone should be locked.
I doubt your bank will agree if your phone gets stolen and someone has enough I to to use your money. They might consider that you failed to take adequate care!

Supermagicsmile · 03/12/2017 21:50

Every time he checks your phone, ask to check his at the same time. You can say "it's only fair..you check mine..I check yours!"

ladyjadie · 03/12/2017 22:32

Change your lock screen wallpaper to have the words "FUCK OFF NOSEY WIERDO" in bold. Might get the point across?

Shoxfordian · 04/12/2017 06:23

He's attempting to control you again- please think about whether this is something you want to keep dealing with if you stay together

Mix56 · 04/12/2017 07:38

May I add, that when he is messing with the settings it is possible he has switched on "find my phone" etc. & made your correspondence visible to him cloud sharing, WhatsApp etc
If you discover he has done this then you have no more questions.

Personally I would put a code on & tell him why

Gemini69 · 04/12/2017 12:36

it's creepy... Hmm

RaspberryOverload · 04/12/2017 13:02

This chap has s controlling nature. And as the phone thing is recent, then something has set it off again.

I would not be surprised to that he has something to hide, and is projecting this onto OP, either unconsciously (because his hidden whatever is on his mind) or consciously (because he wants to make sure he can deflect any blame to OP).

I've always had a passcode on my phone, right from the first one I owned. It was nothing to do with hiding anything but everything to do with stopping access to the phone if it were stolen.

CanIBuffalo · 04/12/2017 13:16

Creepy as fuck.
My inner devil would do what jadie said.
I'd also be tempted to fuck with his head by pointing out that if you were shagging other men you'd have the sense to use a burner phone Grin

Ferret2018london · 04/12/2017 13:24

Sounds like his mind needs to be settled. If I had looked at my partners phone (for whatever reason) and then he put a passcode on it and kept it turned off for 'fire hazard' reasons. It would make me feel a tad uncomfortable. I'd take the passcode off and show you have nothing to hide, once he sees you're non bothered about it and there's nothing juicy on your phone he'll soon get bored!

Ethylred · 04/12/2017 13:29

... While at the same time this forum is full of posts from women who check their husbands' phones without an eyebrow being raised.

Original poster
DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 05/12/2017 03:54

For one I don't turn my phone off due to fire risk, I (as advised by local fire services) don't leave anything non essential plugged in and on for a day or more. So my CHARGER is taken in and out and turned off/on daily, my phone remains on though.
I'm pretty anal about this stuff so I was simply referencing it to show that yes my phone is checked regularly enough that I won't miss anything important. Plus the ringer is loud so if it did ring I'd hear it.

There is a code on my phone, I've always have codes on my devices including my PC. Didn't have one on my iPod because I just couldn't be bothered setting one up... The issue was him clicking on previews (now turned off) and reading via that (on my android) He also did manage to get my iPod while I slept and go in and change settings etc on an app in there. That made me very uncomfortable as he'd gone into my iPod had clearly read some of my messages as he was asking about them, fiddled about in apps I didn't want him fiddling around on and then acted like I should be grateful. I have a passcode on my iPod now.

I'm grateful for the advice received here but no I won't be unlocking my phone/telling him the password/handing it over/giving him access to my iPod.

we've argued about it now. Expletives were involved...
Seems to have worked though. Thanks again.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 05/12/2017 05:25

That His own phone is 'glued' to him at all times and he snoops in your phone/device and demands answers raised my eyebrows.

Not in a good way

mamahanji · 05/12/2017 08:29

It's fairly obviously he is projecting his own guilt onto you. His excuses are all ridiculous and the fact that his phone is glued to him, combined with his obsessive checking of yours is very very suspect.

Or he's just a freaking weirdo.

Gemini69 · 05/12/2017 09:24

Jesus Christ.. he sounds unhinged Hmm

what is he actually accusing you of OP.. because he's accusing you of something to behave so erratically Flowers

Mix56 · 05/12/2017 13:10

So what was he doing in your apps? attaching his named device to them ? I would check all those things now & undo them. he will notice, but you simply say you repeatedly asked him to respect you, he didn't.
if he doesn't trust you, then it needs to be justified, or leave.

Original poster
DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 06/12/2017 08:48

He was making push notifications show for kik and iMessage and a couple of other apps. I turned it back off. His reason for that is when he was messaging me on kik I didn't always respond right away, so a notification would make me kik back faster.

OP posts: