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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want Dh "checking" my phone?

107 replies

DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 03/12/2017 06:51

I don't really use it tbf as I mostly rely on my iPod for most things I do (Skype/FaceTime/mn) but i do use it most weeks for something or other...
It's just a basic phone that can just about access the internet after a 5 minute fight with it. It's left on my desk and I plug/unplug it periodically (don't leave it on constantly due to risk of fire). I check it at least once a day while doing this.

Dh started checking it when we were awaiting our foxtel broadband box being delivered, the tracking notification went to my phone. I was ok with that but found it odd that he did so without asking.
He's also accessed my iPod, once, to change the settings on an app. I didn't ask him to he just took it upon himself to do it. After doing so he kept asking questions about stuff like
"Who's John" "whys he messaged you on kik" (to ask me about something work related. Which Dh probably saw). Since then I've put a passcode on my iPod. It's an iPod
Touch, so similar to an iPhone but can't actually make SIM card/normal calls with it.
I have nothing to hide but detest people going through my things. Be it my underwear draw, phone, laptop or a random box of stuff, if it's mine then hands off it. Dh is similar.
Back onto the phone. He keeps checking it,
Almost daily I'll see him picking it up. He saw a text preview on it earlier and has since been asking me "who's Tyler" "whys he messaging you" that would be because I asked him to (he's a landscaper and the text was something like "hi Don't, it's Tyler from y company, do you still need x job doing?", nothing remotely personal!).
I don't like it, but Dh keeps insisting he does it in case I "miss something important". It makes me very uncomfortable and I'm feeling like it's a bit possessive.
Am I being weird or is he being out of order?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 03/12/2017 09:03

I can't really spare the money for a new phone as I have a big expense coming up, but I'd be able to get one in a couple months.

Thanks for the android tips btw I'll look on my phone and see what I can do.

As previously stated he isn't controlling in any other ways, he used to be financially controlling (that was years ago) but has been fine since.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 03/12/2017 09:07

I can't just lock him out either - joint home.
I'm not leaving him, at least at this stage. There are other factors that make it very very difficult to do so as well, so it's certainly not something I'd do lightly.

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 03/12/2017 09:07

Lovey, people who have controlling tendencies will always find another 'outlet', unless they are deliberately and actively working to try and temper the character trait.

He used to be financially controlling - he's now just...controlling.

Do you have a CEX near you? You could sell your current phone to them and get a second hand one instead? I buy my phones second hand there and have a SIM-only deal which makes it cheaper for me rather than having a contract.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 03/12/2017 09:18

He's an arse and it seems he doesn't trust you. Tell him to get fucked next time he does it.

Butterymuffin · 03/12/2017 09:19

Yes, say 'if you're checking mine, I'll check yours for you, so neither of us will miss anything'. Insist on it being both phones or nothing.

ObscuredbyFog · 03/12/2017 09:23

I can't just lock him out either - joint home

I think the lock him out comment was about getting a different phone and locking it so he cannot access it at all Smile

He definitely has a problem with control, please do whatever it takes to stop him in his tracks. I'd demand access to his phone every time he asked or just took access to mine.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 03/12/2017 09:25

XH turned up at a women only Lush party once. That and his drinking and substance abuse are the reasons he's XH.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 03/12/2017 09:25

YANBU it must be really annoying, but there is probably some difference between a DH that's just very nosy and one who is controlling. You could try just boring him to death by discussing in detail every message exchange you get and see if that helps. I have to say my DH wouldn't want to check my phone, but I think that's mostly because he is fully aware it would be excruciatingly boring...

mimibunz · 03/12/2017 09:27

Ask him if he realises how harmful it is to your relationship when he behaves this way. Hopefully that will make him think about how serious you are.

Neverender · 03/12/2017 09:32

I'd try telling him you find jealously and suspicion hugely unattractive. That tends to work...

kittensinmydinner1 · 03/12/2017 09:42

I was under the impression that MN regarded snooping on your partners phone was not only accepted behaviour but completely essential, the moment you have ANY suspicion that your partner is cheating.
No matter how paranoid that suspicion is. ? Your partner seeing messages from men he doesn't know/recognise would seem to fit the normal threshold for a full-scale invasion of privacy - along with the subsequent 7 pages of conjecture about the contents found therein. Is it because he has invaded OPs privacy in front of her rather than waiting until she's asleep - before violating her trust, that he has committed such a terrible crime ? I'm perplexed 🤔

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 03/12/2017 09:51

I find it hilarious how all the replies here are "that's out of order", "he's controlling", "he's not respecting your boundaries", and the clincher "he has something to hide".

Yet when a woman comes on and asks if she's within her rights to check his phone, the replies are all for it and anyone accusing her of being controlling is quickly shot down. I can only imagine the reaction if it was suggested she was hiding something!

OP, it's never acceptable for anyone to check anyone else's phone, regardless of circumstance or sex/gender.

Mix56 · 03/12/2017 09:58

"He's being controlling AND belittling you in order to make it OK. He claims to be doing it because you might forget."

He is jealous because he doesn't trust you.
Personally I would ask him why he suspects you have, or are up for, an affair, if he denies it then say, that as you have the knowledge that he keeps policeing your life, you would not make your phone available for scrutiny if it was the case.
You have asked him repeatedly to stop, if this continues you will lock your phone,

Original poster
DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 03/12/2017 10:09

Figured out how to turn previews off.
Thank you all.
Smile

OP posts:
TiredOfThisAll · 03/12/2017 10:12

Just to be clear, I would find the behaviour described in this post unacceptable and controlling no matter who was doing it.

JacquesHammer · 03/12/2017 10:14

I wouldn't mind a partner going through my stuff however the suggestion "I might miss something important" would massively irritate me.

How incredibly patronising

ZigZagandDustin · 03/12/2017 10:17

Whattodo, him not hiding that he's checking her pone is in fact controlling. He's on at her all the time and letting her know that she's no right to privacy.

If he just checked in secret then we could argue that maybe he's worried about something actually going on behind his back. I'd be ok with this to some extent.

Basseting · 03/12/2017 10:23

he needs to be honest about why he is checking.

Fintons · 03/12/2017 10:25

whattodo

But I think there's a big difference between checking as a one off because you're 99% sure of infidelity and deliberately setting up a dynamic where you have the right to check a partners phone regularly even though they're not happy with it.* The first to me is justifiable and the second isn't.*

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2017 10:28

Very subtle controlling behaviour. change your passwords and don't let him near your phone. My dh is a softwear engineer, and never checks my phone or devices for updates or whatever, he never would, he respects my privacy and boundaries. He never asks me either.

dameglittersparkles · 03/12/2017 10:29

Manipulative bastard!

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2017 10:30

He's set up a tracking device, hmm to keep a close eye on you op.

Koala72 · 03/12/2017 10:34

I completely disagree that you should lock your phone, etc.

As you have nothing bad on your phone and are not hiding anything, and because it's a v bad path to go down, locking phones (for both parties), I'd say take no notice and let him look. BUT explain you have nothing to hide and it is horrible as he makes you feel as if he doesn't trust you. Tell him he can look at what he likes and you must also have same access to his phone. I think nobody's phone should be locked.

Think in a normal relationship, nothing is locked and nobody looks. Maybe once or twice a year the odd glance, but really not as they don't feel the need. And they respect the other.

Don't start locking. It will make it worse.

Koala72 · 03/12/2017 10:35

And why should you have to turn off notifications and previews? Why?

Insomnibrat · 03/12/2017 10:35

I'd want to check his kik.
I refuse to have the app on my phone as it's just the gateway for dick pics unlimited. Horrible.
When a guy asks me 'do you have kik?' It makes my skin crawl, I know what's coming.
I know that's not what you use it for....but....

I think he's projecting.

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