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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want Dh "checking" my phone?

107 replies

DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 03/12/2017 06:51

I don't really use it tbf as I mostly rely on my iPod for most things I do (Skype/FaceTime/mn) but i do use it most weeks for something or other...
It's just a basic phone that can just about access the internet after a 5 minute fight with it. It's left on my desk and I plug/unplug it periodically (don't leave it on constantly due to risk of fire). I check it at least once a day while doing this.

Dh started checking it when we were awaiting our foxtel broadband box being delivered, the tracking notification went to my phone. I was ok with that but found it odd that he did so without asking.
He's also accessed my iPod, once, to change the settings on an app. I didn't ask him to he just took it upon himself to do it. After doing so he kept asking questions about stuff like
"Who's John" "whys he messaged you on kik" (to ask me about something work related. Which Dh probably saw). Since then I've put a passcode on my iPod. It's an iPod
Touch, so similar to an iPhone but can't actually make SIM card/normal calls with it.
I have nothing to hide but detest people going through my things. Be it my underwear draw, phone, laptop or a random box of stuff, if it's mine then hands off it. Dh is similar.
Back onto the phone. He keeps checking it,
Almost daily I'll see him picking it up. He saw a text preview on it earlier and has since been asking me "who's Tyler" "whys he messaging you" that would be because I asked him to (he's a landscaper and the text was something like "hi Don't, it's Tyler from y company, do you still need x job doing?", nothing remotely personal!).
I don't like it, but Dh keeps insisting he does it in case I "miss something important". It makes me very uncomfortable and I'm feeling like it's a bit possessive.
Am I being weird or is he being out of order?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 03/12/2017 07:26

I have, once. He just said well there's no reason for you to do it I'm always checking my phone for things I don't miss things... which is true, it's surgically attached to him between getting out of bed in the morning and getting into bed at night.

OP posts:
Allthetuppences · 03/12/2017 07:27

He's being controlling AND belittling you in order to make it OK. He claims to be doing it because you might forget.
You've told him to stop and that you will deal with things. He is still persisting. Lock the phone. If HE hates invasive stuff but is confortable with invading your privacy it also suggests he is untrustworthy. He is doing what untrustworthy people do: failing to trust you.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 03/12/2017 07:29

Don'ttouch I would keep going but drop the explanation, so just "who is X?", "What do you ask/what do you think I'm going to miss/please stop"

So he doesn't get the info he's after (maybe he only hears the bit he's interested in sort of thing).

And if he does the "what do you have to hide" stick to "why don't you trust me"/"I really hurts me that you don't trust me"

All ad infinitum!!

RefuseTheLies · 03/12/2017 07:31

I already do similar Enter, I'll give a short explanation and then say, I can check my own phone

I think Enter was suggesting that you stop explaining and skip straight to ’don’t touch my phone’

TsunamiOfShit · 03/12/2017 07:31

Now I seem to be the complete opposite to everyone else here but if my DP was using kik, I'd be suspicious too!

Do people without something to hide use that app?

However, I'd ask him why rather than start checking his phone.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 03/12/2017 07:33

What about keeping your phone about your person for a few days? If telling him hasn't worked (and it should have!) then I would keep my phone in my pocket until he got the message. Then when he says you might miss something he would be wrong.

In fact I would completely call his bluff and say 'I thought about what you said dh and I am going to carry my phone on me so I don't miss anything' and then see what he does - because he is a controlling arsehole who will show his true colours when he can't check up on you.

AshGirl · 03/12/2017 07:38

Eurgh. I would hate this. Very passive aggressive responses from him as well.

Not sure how to solve situation but wanted to add my YANBU in solidarity.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/12/2017 07:40

He isnt listening, he is demeaning you.
Each time he does it, insist he hands his over for you to check. If it's glued to him, there may be a reason why.

cariadlet · 03/12/2017 07:40

I'd be concerned because he was previously financially controlling and now he is showing a lack of respect for your privacy and boundaries.
Is he controlling in other aspects of your life? eg does he want to know where you are and who you are with when you go out? It might be worth reading up on controlling and coercive behaviour.

newdaylight · 03/12/2017 07:44

Yanbu but hard one to solve. I'd back the no explanation and simply telling him its controlling and evasive line. Perhaps also moving on to reminding him bluntly that you have not given him permission to do that

whoareyoukidding · 03/12/2017 07:46

I'd also be tempted to respond every time 'o my god, you've found out that tyler (or whoever) is one of the 25 men I'm secretly having it off with'. If it isn't projection (as other people have said) it's sure as hell a trust issue. Did you ask him if he trusts you? Other people's insecurity can be a complete pain in the arse, my EXDH was like this.

Original poster
DontTouchTheCharredCrotch · 03/12/2017 07:48

TsunamiOfShit
I've used kik for years, to talk to my sisters, my mum and a few friends from my home country, I also have a few co workers on there... I didn't realise kik was seen as a bad thing to use.
I doubt that's the root of his suspicions since he uses kik too.. and as I said I've used it for years.

I don't use my phone as I prefer my iPod (find the phone fiddly and a bit difficult to use TBH) but I could start carrying it with me I guess...

He's not controlling in other aspects of my life - as I said he's been financially controlling before. It didn't last very long because I was quick to pull him up on it and challenge it at every step of the way.

Which I'm trying to do now but found myself questioning if he maybe had a point... seems a lot of people would be suspicious of me for using kik/a passcode etc. but to me kik is a good way for me to contact people without having to use my crap phone. I find it a bit hard to replace stuff that's still working, so I figured my iPod was a decent phone of sorts (unless I need to actually text or call) until my android drops dead. Then I'll be going back to iphones Grin so for the time being it just gathers dust until I really can't avoid using it.

OP posts:
NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 03/12/2017 07:59

You don't need to justify yourself OP. If Kik and pass codes work for you and you're not up to anything then there's absolutely nothing to justify.

He's attempting to gaslight you by saying he's checking your phone in case you forget something. It's emotional abuse, and his lack of boundaries and previous form for control are a huge red flag.

How long have you been together?

I had a very controlling ex and the control creeped into our relationship. By the time I realised I was in deep and it took years to extract myself.

I now have a very low tolerance for this shit. DH would never pull this stunt as we respect one another and have a healthy relationship.

Are there other areas of your relationship that are concerning?

shakingmyhead1 · 03/12/2017 08:06

each time he grabs your phone take his and have a god look at it and ask a shit ton of stupid "who is" what is" why do you" questions about everything on his... he will get sick of the new game soon enough

TammySwansonTwo · 03/12/2017 08:14

DH and I both have passcodes on our phones - not to keep each other out but in case they get stolen. I can work out what his would be and vice versa, but I've never checked his phone and he's never checked mine - we have no need.

I would be livid if he started looking through my phone and questioning me about messages etc that are perfectly innocent. The difficulty here is that the more you protest, the more he can blame you and say you're scared and hiding something. Having kik etc does not lean you're up to something ffs!

I'd be saying I have nothing to hide, but if we are going to be one of those couples that invade each other's privacy then I want to look at your phone too and question your messages. Maybe this will make him understand how invasive it is, and how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

TammySwansonTwo · 03/12/2017 08:16

Also, if you can afford it, maybe time to get a new iPhone that combines both functions and which you can keep on your person - then he can't argue you'll miss anything.

Hassled · 03/12/2017 08:17

This is nothing to do with your organisational skills and everything to do with the fact he thinks you are cheating on him, or might if you had the chance. In his head he's probably decided it's an inevitability - sooner or later John the colleague or Tyler the gardener will hit on you, and you'll encourage it. And that's his problem to sort out, not yours - but talking directly about it might help. I'd confront him - "Why are you so insecure? Why do you think I might cheat?" and see if there's a way to work it through.

Bowerbird5 · 03/12/2017 08:20

Turn the tables and ask him. Tell him you need to check it in case he has forgotten something. Keep it up for a week bet he stops!

WhatevaPeeps · 03/12/2017 08:25

I would suggest HE has something to hide and is projecting it back into you. I’d check his stuff. And he needs to stop with you as it’s controlling

TiredOfThisAll · 03/12/2017 08:31

What sugarpie said.

This is not only invasive and controlling, he is justifying it by insisting that you cannot be trusted to organise your own life, and might ‘miss’ something.

My experience is that control creeps in too. It does not come out of nowhere, though. I don’t think people suddenly become controlling, more like they work out slowly what works. I mean, this man has stored up the fact that you forgot something nine years ago, and is now using it as ammunition Hmm That is unfair in and of itself.

Has anything else changed when the phone checking started?

And yes to what others say, you don’t need to justify yourself, it is your phone, you have asked him to leave it alone.

Fintons · 03/12/2017 08:38

This is not only invasive and controlling, he is justifying it by insisting that you cannot be trusted to organise your own life, and might ‘miss’ something.

The "you can't do it well enough so I need to do it" excuse is a standard reason given by controlling arseholes.** I should know, I've been on the receiving end of it!

Have you challenged him directly and accused him of being controlling?

REFUSE to answer his questions when he looks at your phone.** Just ask for his phone in return!

On a practical note, could you sell the old phone and iPod and buy a second hand iPhone (I think the 6 which has a fingerprint unlock goes for about £100+??) so you have a device you can keep on you at all times which is good for everything?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 03/12/2017 08:46

For android, it should be in Settings > Sound and Notifications (or similar) and you should be able to select an option that hides content on the lock screen.

Mine looks like this

To not want Dh "checking" my phone?
To not want Dh "checking" my phone?
Inertia · 03/12/2017 08:47

Surely you're more likely to miss important messages if he reads them, because once he reads them it no longer shows up as a new alerts?

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 03/12/2017 08:50

He is finding another way to be controlling, it is clearly in his nature and this is now the direction that it is taking.
There is no connection between the ‘reason’ he is giving and checking your phone. These were actions, not phone contact.
A whole other thread, but why were those forgotten things just your responsibility anyway? Key return, holiday insurance, assume you were joint stakeholders in flat and holiday, so he could have dealt with or at least reminded you?
Drop the Android and if it doesn’t break then stamp on it to give it some encouragement! 😆. Get yourself a new iPhone and lock the bastard out.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 03/12/2017 08:55

YANBU.

He's being controlling and treating you like a child. It needs to stop, now. This insistence that you "might miss something important" is just bollocks - either he trusts you or he doesn't. I would be telling him in simple terms that if he doesn't stop what he is doing then the marriage will be over.

FWIW DH and I both have passcodes and passwords on our phones and tablets. It's good security in case you accidentally leave it somewhere. I don't know DH's passwords and he doesn't know mine. I don't need to check his phone and vice versa - if I want to know something I'll ask him.