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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to bring Christmas to my house?

122 replies

Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 08:49

My DH made plans with his brother last year for all of us to spend Christmas together at his. We usually alternate between hubby' s (very welcoming and great hostess) sister and my parents but BIL insisted it was 'his turn'. SIL used to be lovely but has gradually cooled as she and BIL have become better and better off.

3 months ago BIL confirmed the arrangements so DH booked us into a lovely boutique hotel on the same street as BIL's house for 4 nights. DH's sister and her family were going to stay in BIL's home because that's they only way they could afford the trip.

BIL left a message for hubby on Monday asking how much time did we think we'd be spending at his over the 3 days...... Several conversations (apparently with SIL 'coaching' in the back ground) have brought us to the realisation that they've made other plans and only want us there on Christmas morning. (They'll be going out in the evening).

DH's sister can't really afford to stay in a hotel but is considering splashing out on a cheaper room in the vincinity so that we can all be together at BIL's on Christmas morning.

I however feel like we're not wanted and don't fancy spending a crazy amount of money on this trip anymore.

Our room was booked with a credit card, non refundable - but payment not yet taken. I still have receipts for all the gifts. WIBU to cancel the credit card, return the presents and invite hubby's sister and her family to our home for this Christmas?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 02/12/2017 11:39

@Santasjinglebelle Pictish has a point, how much more of this sort of treatment will he take from his DB & SIL? It's not nice seeing an outsiders point of view but really the situation is ridiculous. You've spent £1k and they are in effect cancelling

Whocansay · 02/12/2017 11:39

What a thoroughly nasty thing to do. BIL is at best, thoughtless. I wouldn't bother with the hassle of all that travelling for a rushed morning with people who don't really want you there. Stay at home, and try and recoup some of the cost by returning presents.

Personally, I would kick up a stink with BIL and ask him to pay the hotel bill. He has cancelled, but you are incurring charges because of him.

PantPlot · 02/12/2017 11:39

Pictish has it spot on imo. Sounds to me like your DH has a serious case of trying to 'keep up with the big siblings' and would rather spunk 1k and have his family have a miserable time rather than tell his brother that his behaviour is rude.

ByThePowerOfRa · 02/12/2017 11:42

Santas that was an overreaction to Pictish

Agree with this^^. I assumed the “fuck you” was a joke about something else tbh! Bit much op!

Anywho, I refer you to my last post. I imagine it’s a miscommunication somewhere, (or sil not wanting to say to her Dh that she doesn’t like his family for some reason). Ya definitely nbu to not go though. Annoying about hotel booking. Maybe it’s no refunds over Christmas Day?

pictish · 02/12/2017 11:43

Ok...maybe it was a bald way of describing the situation but it wasn't intended to offend...I'm sorry that I did.

What I was really trying to say is that your dh doesn't have to accept being tossed crumbs and be grateful for it... because that's what is being offered here. Crumbs.
He would be completely justified in telling his brother that he has wasted his and his family's time and money for very little in return. Whether it is all by your sil's design or not is irrelevant, your bil has gone along with it and is happy to have you spend ££££s and hours of travelling to get kicked out so they can hang out with people they prefer. If your dh won't confront him he is complicit in cementing and continuing the unbalance of power in their relationship, such as you have described yourself.
So what if he looks up to his big brother? Does that mean you all have to exalt him by dancing to his tune? Apparently so.

Sorry again. x

CiderwithBuda · 02/12/2017 11:44

Sounds like SIL didn't want to do it anyway. Def didn't want to host for four days. And then got a better offer anyway.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 02/12/2017 11:49

I walked away from the computer, but I've come back to say that there are maybe a dozen 'regulars' whose names I've clocked on here for one reason or another, and Pictish is one that is on my radar. I find I don't always agree with her (or his??) comments, but I do find that she is someone who says things straight, and (for me) is therefore worth reading.

So I'm another one who thought OPs reaction to the comment was harsh and somewhat unnecessary. Especially as this thread is generally supportive overall.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/12/2017 11:49

OK, purely in terms of not wanting to lose the money - if the hotel is that expensive it suggests that BIL and SIL live somewhere reasonably nice. How about looking up what festive stuff is happening in the area? Is there a nice park to take DC for a walk? Is there one of those festive markets (they usually open on Boxing day) or other tourist spots? And can you book your evening meals in the hotel if you are staying there?

Your BIL and SIL are being rude dicks, but it's probably worth seeing if you can make the rest of the trip into a nice festive break for the family instead of just writing off the money.

LoveProsecco · 02/12/2017 11:50

Wow! So rude to cancel with only a few weekends to go

NoToast · 02/12/2017 11:50

If you've booked at a cheap rate is there a chance the hotel can now sell the rooms for more and not charge the full price? They may be willing to cancel if you explain that your event has been cancelled.

If you just cancel the credit card you may be liable for more expenses.

mickeysminnie · 02/12/2017 11:52

Why not amend the booking to 2 rooms for 2 nights instead of 1 room for 4 nights and let nice sil stay in the hotel with you on Christmas eve and christmas night.
Return any presents bought as this will be your present to all of them.
At least you will have a nice time, nice sil will have a nice time and you won't lose your money?

Original poster

Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 11:52

Santas that was an overreaction to Pictish

I see that now.

Whole situation has my blood boiling.

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 02/12/2017 11:53

Ask the hotel if you can change the reservations to sometime in 2018 when a visit would be more 'welcome' . by BIL and family.

Alternatively, offer the reservation to SIL and her family to use now.

BUt, no, I wouldn't be going where I clearly wasn't wanted, and be paying £1k for 4 days when they only wanted to see me on 1 morning now. So rude. They really should be called out on that.

LagunaBubbles · 02/12/2017 11:54

Pictish you don't have anything to apologise for, you have it spot on. You just know OPs DH won't say anything to his brother....but he should.

pictish · 02/12/2017 11:56

Keepserving thank you. It is true to say I am quite blunt at times but I do mean well. And yes, I am a she. xx

pictish · 02/12/2017 11:58

"Whole situation has my blood boiling."

I'm not surprised so you're totally forgiven. I'd be spitting tacks too. Hope you can get a satisfactory outcome from this.

TidyDancer · 02/12/2017 11:58

Bloody hell, OP you should be apologising to @pictish for that!

Generally though, totally agree you are being taken for a ride and should not tolerate this. You are in control of how you allow yourselves to be treated in this instance. You either accept it or tell them you're not going and exactly why that is. If DH wants to maintain a relationship he can visit on his own terms another time. Christmas shouldn't be shit for everyone because of a bellend sil.

grannytomine · 02/12/2017 11:59

Don't they put some sort of reservation on your credit card so you can't stop it, the money is already allocated even though it isn't shown. I don't know where I heard that and it might be made up, I think it was someone who had their card declined because it was over the limit even though it looked like there was still money available but there wasn't because a hotel booking had already had money allocated to it.

They might have just been trying to save face but if it is true it might be better to talk to the hotel.

RandomMess · 02/12/2017 12:00

@Santasjinglebelle my blood would be boiling too! I would look and see if you can move the reservation to another time of year or hotel (is it s chain?).

No way would I do that drive and spend more money on fuel and eating out for 4 days for the sake of s few hours where you're not welcome.

Yes invite The family to yours and let DH wake up to the reality.

MotherofTerriers · 02/12/2017 12:02

I would contact the hotel and ask nicely. They might let you off the payment if they can easily re-let the room, or let you have credit for a visit at a later date. Don't just cancel the card and not turn up - they'll hold the room for you and not realise you're not coming, which will blow any chance of them letting it to someone else.
A nice hotel I stay at is in theory non refundable but they let you use payment as a credit for a later stay. I'd stay home and invite nice sis. It's far too far to travel for lunch.

Original poster

Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 12:08

Great idea Minnie. Will suggest to dh later - be great to do something nice for the good sil.

OP posts:

Reallycantbebothered · 02/12/2017 12:10

Cancel the cheque Hotel ...sounds like everyone would be trying to keep up appearances anyway
I have an older 'dss' who lives in a fabulous big house in the country is a successful professional and I always feel like the younger poorer relative when I visit, despite the fact l have a lovely house and family of my own, but she always likes to make me feel inferior....I have now been nc with her since she blamed my dm ( her sm)for not leaving her or my sb any money in her will 8yrs ago but that's a whole other story

tumblrpigeon · 02/12/2017 12:15

Sounds like poor communication between the brothers.

“Come to ours for Christmas “ can mean a lot of different things.

Why would you book 4 days ? You clearly don’t like your sil

Some right nasty posts on here today making all kind of assumptions about the BIL and the allegedly wicked rich SIL

extinctspecies · 02/12/2017 12:20

So, when the invitation was originally issued was it not made clear how long the invitation was extended for?

If family were travelling that distance, I'd definitely expect to cater for them on Xmas Day & Boxing Day. (We don't do special Xmas breakfast, so I'd invite them in time for pre-lunch drinks on Xmas day).

If we had somewhere else to go on the evening of Xmas day (but who does, that seems very weird?) I'd have made it absolutely clear from the outset that we wouldn't be around, but they'd be welcome to chill at ours.

Your DH's sister's family who was staying with them - has her invitation been rescinded too?

Maybe there was a miscommunication at the outset. Bad form.

In any case, you will have other family there, I'd hand out with the other relatives the rest of the time and enjoy the experience of being in a nice hotel together.

IggyAce · 02/12/2017 12:20

This is awful and in your shoes I wouldn't want to go. If there is no way to cancel without losing money I agree with pp about looking for things to do in the area. Also return the gifts you have brought and if you are going for the morning buy token gifts only.

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