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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring Christmas to my house?

122 replies

Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 08:49

My DH made plans with his brother last year for all of us to spend Christmas together at his. We usually alternate between hubby' s (very welcoming and great hostess) sister and my parents but BIL insisted it was 'his turn'. SIL used to be lovely but has gradually cooled as she and BIL have become better and better off.

3 months ago BIL confirmed the arrangements so DH booked us into a lovely boutique hotel on the same street as BIL's house for 4 nights. DH's sister and her family were going to stay in BIL's home because that's they only way they could afford the trip.

BIL left a message for hubby on Monday asking how much time did we think we'd be spending at his over the 3 days...... Several conversations (apparently with SIL 'coaching' in the back ground) have brought us to the realisation that they've made other plans and only want us there on Christmas morning. (They'll be going out in the evening).

DH's sister can't really afford to stay in a hotel but is considering splashing out on a cheaper room in the vincinity so that we can all be together at BIL's on Christmas morning.

I however feel like we're not wanted and don't fancy spending a crazy amount of money on this trip anymore.

Our room was booked with a credit card, non refundable - but payment not yet taken. I still have receipts for all the gifts. WIBU to cancel the credit card, return the presents and invite hubby's sister and her family to our home for this Christmas?

OP posts:
Neolara · 02/12/2017 09:49

So they expect you to travel 7/8 hours each way for lunch! That's quite bizarre. That's not a normal expectation. I'd cancel. Even if you don't get your money back it's going to be cheaper than eating out / entertaining yourselves for the 4 days now hospitality has been withdrawn.

LIZS · 02/12/2017 09:49

Or you let them go out but use their house to mix with dh's sister.

Original poster
Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 10:02

They have in effect, cancelled

This is how I see it but DH wants to see his brother over the holidays and resents sil coming between them. Plus he doesn't want to lose the best part of £1k on the hotel

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 02/12/2017 10:05

But apart from the actual Christmas dinner where you eill be at their house why would you want to spend 3 days in a random hotel over the festive season for nothing? Much better (and cheaper) to be relaxing in your own home!

ArchchancellorsHat · 02/12/2017 10:07

I'd definitely return their presents. And not bother again.

Difficult to know what to do about the hotel - is there any chance they could rebook the rooms if you didn't turn up? It's a lot to lose but it's really not their fault your IL's are twats. If it's part of a chain could you switch to another site and have the three nights somewhere else? (Probably not..)

pictish · 02/12/2017 10:10

Have neither of you (but particularly your dh) confronted bil about this? If not, why not?
Bil and his wife are being astonishingly rude. Call them out on it...it's totally justified.

And yes...cancel. Travelling all that way to sort out your own breakfast and be hussled out the door after dinner so they can go somewhere else they'd rather be? Fuck that.

They need told. Rude.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2017 10:15

This is how I see it but DH wants to see his brother over the holidays and resents sil coming between them. Plus he doesn't want to lose the best part of £1k on the hotel

So your DH should be having a firm and frank discussion with his brother about the expense and trouble you're all going to - for what exactly?

What are you all supposed to do the rest of the time you're there?

Why hasn't he said something (to both of them, really?)

Original poster
Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 10:38

Melonsandbananas - I really like this ideaGrin

I feel like the relationship is pretty much dead in the water anyway - nothing to lose.....

OP posts:
pictish · 02/12/2017 10:39

I'm sure you're not serious about stealing from your bil by way of revenge...but just in case...don't.

Original poster
Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 10:45

Oh pictish, your pinprick voice of reason has popped my vengeant daydream

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 02/12/2017 10:46

Don’t go!

Speak to the hotel and see if you can cancel, and get at least some money back

But even if the hotel still has to be paid for, you won’t be spending money travelling, eating out for the three days they’re not hosting, definitely return their gifts!

Invite nice SIL to yours and do Christmas yourself.

If BIL or anyone else asks why you’re changing the plans, be brutally honest. They’re CF they deserve to be shown up

Fitzsimmons · 02/12/2017 10:51

What do they expect you to do on Boxing Day for food etc? Surely a lot of places will be closed or booked. I'd refund the presents and contact the hotel. You might lose the hotel money but you'll end up spending a lot more eating out each day.

Original poster
Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 10:52

Nanny - BIL is alot older than dh. I don't know if it's the residual big brother worship or not wanting to face up to the end of the good old days when the family were really close but DH wants to keep things amicable.

OP posts:
Standingcat · 02/12/2017 11:04

When I started reading the op I was surprised that you were staying so long, did BIL and SIL suggest that many nights?

I would try to make the best of it, could you stay back in BIL house with the others while they go out on Christmas evening? Leave before they get back? Your SIL is staying there anyways?

Suggest lunch out somewhere Boxing Day? Invite them and sil?
Nice chilled time in hotel, nice bath? Take wine and candles, go for nice walks? Go home 27th?

Also if you are staying in a nice hotel you would eat breakfast in hotel wouldn’t you? I would, would be nicer than a bacon sandwich or similar cooked by people trying to prepare a full Christmas dinner.

pictish · 02/12/2017 11:08

Well your dh needs to have some self respect and stop being such a minion. His brother has treated him and his family appallingly...he doesn't have to doff his cap and say thank you ffs.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 02/12/2017 11:15

I'm really shocked by this. nearly £1k is a huge amount to lose.

We have good friends who live a 3 hour drive away, and we NEVER see them for less than a weekend (2 nights) due to the distance, and it's less than half what you're driving. An 8-hour drive for a morning's visit????? I'm boggling at it.

Incredibly rude. And - worse - incredibly hurtful.

I echo speaking to the hotel and trying to negotiate so you don't lose the full amount - a re-booking/moving the date. And,for me, I'd MUCH rather be in my own home.

Depending on how discussions with the hotel goes, that's what I'd use to base my plans on going forward. If you lose the full amount, you may as well go and spend a (slightly bizarre) Christmas in a hotel for 4 days (sounds a bit Agatha Christie-esque!) and try and enjoy it. If it were me, I'd factor the ILs OUT of the whole equation, but I get that this isn't what your DH wants to do.

What a horrible, horrible situation. I hope you manage to enjoy Christmas.

Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pictish · 02/12/2017 11:19

Err...what?
I'm agreeing with you?

Standingcat · 02/12/2017 11:23

Or my other suggestion would be to go home Boxing Day. How long is your SIL staying at their house?

Original poster
Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 11:26

Standing cat

The invite was for 3 days, we booked four nights thinking the kids will be far better behaved and enjoy the family time if they're fresh from a hotel /good night's rest than ratty after a long car drive.

OP posts:
ByThePowerOfRa · 02/12/2017 11:28

Yanbu! There’s no way I would travel all that way for an eat and run lunch.

Total speculation here, but my guess would be that the sil doesn’t much like any of you for some reason and didn’t want to go to your sil’s for Christmas as she didn’t want to spend Christmas with you. Maybe she said to her Dh that she didn’t want to go to nice sil’s, (without including the important information that she actually didn’t want to see any of you for long at all). Her Dh then thought “oh she doesn’t want to travel to nice sil’s... great, we’ll host instead” and arranged it all with your Dh. Now she’s dreading it and is trying to get out of it?

Original poster
Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 11:29

Nice sil and family aren't staying anymore as BIL and family will be sooo busy the days before Christmas, barely at home blah blah blah

Can't stay Christmas day cos bil and sil will be out. Not sure what they think sil would do too their precious home when they're out....

OP posts:
pictish · 02/12/2017 11:33

OP - can you elaborate on the 'fuck you' please?

Original poster
Santasjinglebelle · 02/12/2017 11:34

@ pictish would you be happy for me to write about your hubby like this?
dh needs to have some self respect and stop being such a minion

OP posts:
happypoobum · 02/12/2017 11:38

Santas that was an overreaction to Pictish

From what you have said about your DH it does sound like he is part of the problem here.....

Re the hotel I think you will have to ask if you can change the dates - do this sooner rather than later. There is no way you will just get out of paying by cancelling your credit card Confused

No way would I drive 7 hours for lunch with someone I didn't particularly like.

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