Selfish DH AIBU

[Nefney14]

First time poster but long time lurker

I absolutely know I'm not being unreasonable about his selfishness but AIBU to seriously consider leaving DH fairly soon into our marriage over these issues?

Sorry it might be quite long but I'll try to be to the point.

DH is a selfish person by nature and will not do anything for anyone if it means putting himself out in anyway and this includes me examples of this are
Refusing to walk an extra 3 minutes (google mapped to prove a point!) when he was already out to get household essentials because he wasn't already going to the shop.

I got sent home from work for being sick and instead of letting me rest he used the time to have some time on his computer and have a sleep while I ran around after DC he point blank refused to change a nappy and then went to town leaving me home alone with DC despite me telling him I didn't feel well enough.

I can not leave the house without DC ever while in contrast he will never let me have any free time to the extent that if I want to bath while the DC are awake I have to take one with me.

We work opposite shifts with me working more hours but I still do the lion share of housework he'll do day to day things washing up etc but any extra duties are my responsibilities and he refuses to ever discuss this.

I was out for lunch with my friend where he worked and he came down to say hi before going into town I asked him to take DC as I was trying to eat with him on my lap and he refused.

I am absolutely exhausted I work 12 hour shifts in a very physically and mentally demanding position I've begged and pleaded for him to either take on more house duties or for me to cut my hours and him pick up more so that we're working more even (he'd be working 30 me 24 compared to me 36 and him 18-24) but he refused because he thinks he'll be more tired.

I had a really hard shift and I asked him to run me a bath while I was walking home because I was achy he refused because I don't run him a bath every night which is true but if he was to phone me and ask me to run him a bath after a hard shift I wouldn't even think twice.

I walk in from a 12 hour shift to my house a state and he often expects me to start with household tasks such as making DC's lunch even tho he's been home all day.

He convinced me not to spend last Christmas with my family and to spend it at home just us and then went to his friends after the DC went to bed leaving me home alone.

He is an absolute vile person when we argue especially if he's been drinking. I had a very abusive childhood and am NC with my mum when he's angry he tells me I'm just like my mum, or calls me her name and says the DC are going to grow up to hate me.

I know they're not the best examples because it's really hard to explain but he literally will not do anything to make my life easier ever. I haven't had a moment away from DC since August I'm exhausted and I honestly feel miserable at the thought of spending the rest of my life with Someone who obviously cares so little about me and im starting to get really embarrassed my friends and family are starting to comment about how selfish he is and I don't have anything to say to defend him.
So AIBU? Would you end your marriage over this?

Good luck with your new, happy, fuckwit-free life

I am thinking of you OP-good luck!!

Mr Ex-recalibrateMilkshake made me smile!

Mr ex recalibrated milkshakes response made me tears .

OP, I really hope you are going to leave, this is a shit way to live and even worse for your dcs.

Yes, you definitely need to leave and deserve better.

What can we do to help you sort out the practicalities? What bit of leaving is worrying you most?

god he makes my hubby sound like a saint .my hubby is old fashioned and chauvanistic.i mean he thought my place was in the home with the children .but he worked long hard hours and was always a good father housework was a no go but i let him off with that bit .you sound like you have an extra child .jings you deserve better than
this that i hope you can see that .

It's a cliche to say 'you can't change another person, only how you respond to them' but I think it might be a bit helpful here. You are clearly a very strong person, you are already managing without him, even though he's still there. Everytime you have to do all the work, draw strength from the fact that you can. You're a warrior woman and he is just a mood hoover sucking the pleasure out of life.
Don't rush at this. You know what you need to do but think carefully about how/when to do it. This man is not going to be a good ex. He is unlikely to be co-operative about regularly seeing his children or, probably even paying for them. You are likely to be doing it all, albeit without his sorry ass making you miserable. I hope you can get your children away from him before they start to learn from his behaviour. You are going to need to be brave and strong but it does sound as though you already are.

I was with a man like this, I can honestly say I felt relief when I ended it. It has been almost a year and I haven’t regretted it. You will be so much more relaxed without him if you can sort childcare for when you are working? X

Itstarted no chance of sorting childcare in my current job because I work shifts 12 hours at a time. But I do have a lot of experience and a qualification in my role so I'm confident I could find a different job and negotiate hours from the start :)

Once you've left him people will be much more helpful to you. I was in a relationship like this and half the burden was that other people assumed that because I had a partner I had his support, when in actual fact he behaved much like your husband does. Once he was gone, people offered much more help and support. Much better off on my own!

Nefney, how old are your dc? I am a single mum to two dc, and I found once it was just the three of us living together, things fell into place a bit easier. Little things like them fending for themselves a bit more (talking things like making a snack, hanging up towels), just small things that can drain you if its what you are doing all the time and used to. It doesn't seem like you get much help anyway, but I found it brought me closer to my dc, as we all chip in and help each other now. Whereas before, in my marriage, I was the skivvy that just did everything ALL the time. (I would tell dc to do something, dh would comment and say things that implied they didn't need to etc... you know, just undermining anything I would so or say...).

You cannot spend more time living like this. He is grinding you down. You do not want to get to a point when he has done it so badly that you aren't able to leave.

All the best to you, you will get lots of advise here. Many of us have been through similar abuse and moved on.

Good luck op.

Please explain the situation to Work and see if there’s anything they can do. You never know!

It gets easier, I left an abusive relationship and felt so so much better after

Before I attempt to read the full thread, yes absolutely I would end a marriage over this.

These things aren't minor all added up together. He acts as if he hates you. He isn't a good father to his children. It will only get worse, in fact I would put money on him raising his hand to you one drunken night.

What if, God forbid, you became seriously ill? He would leave you in a heartbeat if it inconvenienced him too much.

Get your ducks in a row and get out now. Don't discuss your plans until you get legal and financial advice.

Right, best read the rest of the thread....

Have read it all and yes I think I was right, I agree with the PP.

Take care Op and keep us posted

You deserve a better life than the one you have with this man. He sounds horrible and is being cruel to you every day from the sounds of things.

I know that leaving is hard and seems overwhelming but you'll be so much happier in the long run.

Sending best wishes.

Yes you should. I recognise parts of your story, and my new life is harder in some ways but that kind of stuff causes resentment and drags you down, so you will be far happier on your own

Keep posting, I'll speak for myself but I'm sure you are in all our thoughts, you are in mine. Let us know if we can help with practicalities of leaving. Do read lundy Bancroft why does he do that. I think there is a permitted upload on mumsnet somewhere.
Dont doubt yourself, get your ducks in a row and run for the hills.

I think everything has already been said but I just want you to know that I agree, you are doing what is best for you & your children by recognising that this is unacceptable behaviour from him. I wouldn't stand for it either. Figure things out and take steps from there. Putting up with his nonsense would be worse.

If you have to ask a bunch of random strangers then you know the answer.

Yes.

He will not change and your life will only get worse.

I'm going to disagree with you - I think your future life looks extremely rosy.

I am DELIGHTED you'v only just got married. How fantastic that you haven't wasted significant time.

And your children are young and will adjust - instead of learning to grow up as selfish, mean, miserable fucks just like their dad. Chidlren learn by example.

Ok, this isn't gonig to be easy. But your posts already make it clear that

• you have support
• your friends/family can already see how he is. Think badly of you? No, once you leave and they don't feel they have to smile and pretend for you, you'll be hearing just how relieved they are and how pleased that you have jumped the Ship of Meanness!

If I were you, I would start confiding in them and planning. Would you be able to move closer to your family and ask for help with initial moving and childcare once you get settled? Move to a job near your parents, maybe stay there for a while once you get started and get a couple of paychecks behind you then find a place to stay?

You can absolutely do it, it won't be easy but you'll be so much happier that actually, you might find that life seems easier lighter and freer overall!

Good luck :)

Oh and I'd definitely try and get well away from him tbh.

His attitude is so awful that I'd say this is one situation where a bit of distance from Dad, and more spaced out visits rather than lots of contact and lots of them getting to learn from him as well as hear you slagged off at every opportunity, might be good.

You need to be able to get away from him, because he definitely won't co-parent. You know this already. He will kick up a fuss about his 'rights' - but it's not about rights, it's about responsibilities - and you KNOW that his atitude is that wherever possible, things aren't his responsibility.

So I would think a fresh start is probably the easiest option even if it means the kids are further away from him. There's also the possibility that if you stay close, he'll drop contact anyway - both to punish you and because he is too selfish to step up as a parent in your absence. That's happened to a friend of mine and the reality of that for kids is FAR more damaging than being further away from dad.

YES sooner the better