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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish DH AIBU

171 replies

Nefney14 · 29/11/2017 20:37

First time poster but long time lurker

I absolutely know I'm not being unreasonable about his selfishness but AIBU to seriously consider leaving DH fairly soon into our marriage over these issues?

Sorry it might be quite long but I'll try to be to the point.

DH is a selfish person by nature and will not do anything for anyone if it means putting himself out in anyway and this includes me examples of this are
Refusing to walk an extra 3 minutes (google mapped to prove a point!) when he was already out to get household essentials because he wasn't already going to the shop.

I got sent home from work for being sick and instead of letting me rest he used the time to have some time on his computer and have a sleep while I ran around after DC he point blank refused to change a nappy and then went to town leaving me home alone with DC despite me telling him I didn't feel well enough.

I can not leave the house without DC ever while in contrast he will never let me have any free time to the extent that if I want to bath while the DC are awake I have to take one with me.

We work opposite shifts with me working more hours but I still do the lion share of housework he'll do day to day things washing up etc but any extra duties are my responsibilities and he refuses to ever discuss this.

I was out for lunch with my friend where he worked and he came down to say hi before going into town I asked him to take DC as I was trying to eat with him on my lap and he refused.

I am absolutely exhausted I work 12 hour shifts in a very physically and mentally demanding position I've begged and pleaded for him to either take on more house duties or for me to cut my hours and him pick up more so that we're working more even (he'd be working 30 me 24 compared to me 36 and him 18-24) but he refused because he thinks he'll be more tired.

I had a really hard shift and I asked him to run me a bath while I was walking home because I was achy he refused because I don't run him a bath every night which is true but if he was to phone me and ask me to run him a bath after a hard shift I wouldn't even think twice.

I walk in from a 12 hour shift to my house a state and he often expects me to start with household tasks such as making DC's lunch even tho he's been home all day.

He convinced me not to spend last Christmas with my family and to spend it at home just us and then went to his friends after the DC went to bed leaving me home alone.

He is an absolute vile person when we argue especially if he's been drinking. I had a very abusive childhood and am NC with my mum when he's angry he tells me I'm just like my mum, or calls me her name and says the DC are going to grow up to hate me.

I know they're not the best examples because it's really hard to explain but he literally will not do anything to make my life easier ever. I haven't had a moment away from DC since August I'm exhausted and I honestly feel miserable at the thought of spending the rest of my life with Someone who obviously cares so little about me and im starting to get really embarrassed my friends and family are starting to comment about how selfish he is and I don't have anything to say to defend him.
So AIBU? Would you end your marriage over this?

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 29/11/2017 21:15

Now I literally have no one else, no life - you have friends and family who are already telling you what an arse he is. Stop defending him, why would you?

glitterbiscuits · 29/11/2017 21:16

I don’t usually comment on relationship posts because I think I can’t see both sides and it’s best not to get involved

BUT THIS?!!

Does he have any good points?

What you describe is nothing like a good relationship.

glitterbiscuits · 29/11/2017 21:17

Would you want your child to use this as a model for a relationship?

MrsKoala · 29/11/2017 21:17

I got divorced after 1 year. It was embarrassing but for the best. You don't need a reason to leave someone if you aren't happy, but any one of the reasons you have cited would be enough. If people are saying he's selfish already they will understand and probably all just be relieved for you. No one would want you to stay unhappy just to prove a point. It doesn't matter how long you have been married.

RecalibratedMilkshake · 29/11/2017 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 29/11/2017 21:18

My first ever LTB. It can be tough on your own but at least you're rid of a deadweight. Hope you get good advice and support OP. MN boards are usually good for this Flowers

CommanderDaisy · 29/11/2017 21:19

Lord, what an asshat.
He's not only selfish but mean.
Partners do things to help each other. To support. This guy isn't doing either of those.
I'm really sorry you are enduring this kind of crap, this is awful behaviour.
And you are amazing for not descending into extreme pettiness - which I suspect I would do - after the bath comment. I'd be all - you didn't do it for me either etc. More power to you that you haven't gone there.

I would speak to your friends and to see how you can get support from them, and start taking some steps to get out. If you are too tired to investigate your options, perhaps a family member can do some of the research you might need - to find out what your options are. His behaviour has not gone unnoticed. I think you might have help waiting if you just ask.
Flowers

nottwins · 29/11/2017 21:20

Nobody will see you as a fool for ending a marriage after a short time. They will be pleased that you are taking sensible action to improve your life and that of your DC.

If your friends and family are criticising him, they're hardly going to want you to stay with him out of embarrassment! They will want you to be happy, and from what you've said, dumping the selfish shit is the absolute best way to achieve that.

Divorce is hard, especially with DC. But I've been there (after short marriage too) and once you're out the other side, you can't believe how much better life is. As so many pp have said, kindness is the key - whether from a partner or from anyone else in your life. Be free to find that.

RickOShay · 29/11/2017 21:20

Agreed vulnerable. You need support op, not people who think it’s ok to ask why you married him, really? That’s so helpful. Just what’s needed.
Op have you got someone in rl you can talk thing over with?Flowers

Annelind · 29/11/2017 21:22

Op you'd be a complete fool to STAY with this selfish bastard who clearly doesn't give a fuck about you. In real life your friends and family have noted his behaviour - they will more than likely cheer! - and assist you. Anybody who doesn't understand why you are leaving - they would if they had your life. Which currently consists of being maid-of all-work, with no time off Sad

CrikeyPeg · 29/11/2017 21:24

Gosh OP, sounds a horrid life for you. How long you've been married is a moot point. Stop defending him to your friends and family, get things sorted and get out of there, you won't regret it.

MagicMoneyTree · 29/11/2017 21:25

Completely agree with the PPs who talked about kindness. It’s so simple, yet so true. He isn’t kind.

On the “I have no-one else” point, a friend of mine once had an absolute wanker of a boyfriend, total emotionally and eventually physically abusive cunt. I hated him, but put on as much of a front as I could muster for the sake of my friend. Anyway, he used to look at me with this pitying expression and say things like “I’m always telling [friend] I can’t believe you’re single- it’s a travesty- you’re such a catch” blah blah blah as though I was some on-the-shelf loser with no-one to love me. My response whenever he said this was that I’d rather be happily single (which I was) than in a shit relationship just because I was too scared to leave. Not only could he genuinely not understand how anyone would choose to be single, he also couldn’t see that it was HIS shit relationship with MY best mate that I was referring to. The prick.

Wow, that stirred up quite a lot of emotion there- sorry about that! Some people just get so ground down by total wankers that they normalise things like blokes being vile bastards during arguments and tell themselves it happens to everyone. It doesn’t. It isn’t normal and you most definitely CAN do better.

beansbananas · 29/11/2017 21:25

You sound like you are such a wonderful Mum and wife, taking care of everything. He simply doesn't deserve you or his family. I'm not one to proactively support breaking up a home, but he sounds unbearable and you must leave for your own sake and your children's.

BewareOfDragons · 29/11/2017 21:26

I don't understand why you're still with him. Honestly. I don't.

category12 · 29/11/2017 21:27

Ltb. You needed less than half your post to horrify me about what he's like to you.

AgathaF · 29/11/2017 21:32

So you know you want/need to leave, and everyone agrees with that decision.

Now you need to put a plan into place. Do you need support to do that?

RemainOptimistic · 29/11/2017 21:33

You're not a fool OP and anyone that says you are or implies you are is a total dickhead. Much better to kick him out now before the abuse grinds you down any further. Massive encouragement to you.

TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain · 29/11/2017 21:33

Definitely not a fool for ending your marriage Nefney you have your Dcs and you do all for them anyway you will be much better off without having to worry about him too

ShootingQuadrantids · 29/11/2017 21:35

Oh you poor love. I think for your own sanity you need time apart from him at least. If you separated he would have to pick up his share of the childcare no doubt. Take care love and start to plan your escape!

becotide · 29/11/2017 21:36

YANBU

Maelstrop · 29/11/2017 21:36

Man, he sounds foul, leave. Your life will be easier without him.

bitofwhatyoufancy · 29/11/2017 21:37

Yes I'd end it in a heartbeat because it sounds draining, demoralising and will make you miserable.

April229 · 29/11/2017 21:43

I left my marriage for less.and would do it again. You will have a miserable life if you stay.

MudCity · 29/11/2017 21:47

Don’t waste any more time with him OP.

You are mentally and physically drained. It is harmful. Don’t let this continue for another year. You will be so much happier without him.

PatsyStoneHH · 29/11/2017 21:50

He sounds very much like my ex and you sound very much like I did back then.
He also drove me to absolute mental and physical exhaustion, until I found the strength to get rid of him. Being a single parent to 1 year old twins was 100% easier than being in a relationship with someone who was pushing me to a breakdown.
Get rid of him and don't look back. You deserve much more than this.