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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish DH AIBU

171 replies

Nefney14 · 29/11/2017 20:37

First time poster but long time lurker

I absolutely know I'm not being unreasonable about his selfishness but AIBU to seriously consider leaving DH fairly soon into our marriage over these issues?

Sorry it might be quite long but I'll try to be to the point.

DH is a selfish person by nature and will not do anything for anyone if it means putting himself out in anyway and this includes me examples of this are
Refusing to walk an extra 3 minutes (google mapped to prove a point!) when he was already out to get household essentials because he wasn't already going to the shop.

I got sent home from work for being sick and instead of letting me rest he used the time to have some time on his computer and have a sleep while I ran around after DC he point blank refused to change a nappy and then went to town leaving me home alone with DC despite me telling him I didn't feel well enough.

I can not leave the house without DC ever while in contrast he will never let me have any free time to the extent that if I want to bath while the DC are awake I have to take one with me.

We work opposite shifts with me working more hours but I still do the lion share of housework he'll do day to day things washing up etc but any extra duties are my responsibilities and he refuses to ever discuss this.

I was out for lunch with my friend where he worked and he came down to say hi before going into town I asked him to take DC as I was trying to eat with him on my lap and he refused.

I am absolutely exhausted I work 12 hour shifts in a very physically and mentally demanding position I've begged and pleaded for him to either take on more house duties or for me to cut my hours and him pick up more so that we're working more even (he'd be working 30 me 24 compared to me 36 and him 18-24) but he refused because he thinks he'll be more tired.

I had a really hard shift and I asked him to run me a bath while I was walking home because I was achy he refused because I don't run him a bath every night which is true but if he was to phone me and ask me to run him a bath after a hard shift I wouldn't even think twice.

I walk in from a 12 hour shift to my house a state and he often expects me to start with household tasks such as making DC's lunch even tho he's been home all day.

He convinced me not to spend last Christmas with my family and to spend it at home just us and then went to his friends after the DC went to bed leaving me home alone.

He is an absolute vile person when we argue especially if he's been drinking. I had a very abusive childhood and am NC with my mum when he's angry he tells me I'm just like my mum, or calls me her name and says the DC are going to grow up to hate me.

I know they're not the best examples because it's really hard to explain but he literally will not do anything to make my life easier ever. I haven't had a moment away from DC since August I'm exhausted and I honestly feel miserable at the thought of spending the rest of my life with Someone who obviously cares so little about me and im starting to get really embarrassed my friends and family are starting to comment about how selfish he is and I don't have anything to say to defend him.
So AIBU? Would you end your marriage over this?

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 29/11/2017 23:22

I struggle to see the point of him at all. And the calculated viciousness of using your bad relationship with your mother against you - What. A. Fuckhead.

Please leave, you won't know yourself, and your children won't grow up thinking this is what normal looks like.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 29/11/2017 23:23

I would leave if it was me. No matter how long it takes to do so it’s better than staying. I have a lot of issues that make me a pretty shit partner, depression and anxiety. Even though I can be draining, my partner will always run me a bath, in fact I can’t remember the last time I ran my own bath. It’s such a simple task that can mean a lot. He sounds horrible for doing so little when you clearly need a break. Good luck with it all.

buckeejit · 29/11/2017 23:26

Good luck OP & go asap. He's horrid.

pangolina · 29/11/2017 23:27

I'd end my marriage over a quarter of that.

saladdays66 · 29/11/2017 23:36

I absolutely would leave him. He sounds awful. He brings nothing positive to you.

Good luck, op.

falange · 29/11/2017 23:40

Selfish is just one of many words I'd use to describe him. He sounds really, really horrible. Your children will grow up watching his behaviour and think it's normal. Pack his bags and get him out.

RedDogsBeg · 29/11/2017 23:44

You must leave him OP, no-one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated.

You don't need him in your life he brings nothing to it far better to be alone than live with someone who is going out of his way to make your life difficult and miserable.

It will be tough at first as you will still be solely in charge of the children but you will only have to look after yourself and the children and not your husband so that's one less. You will be able to organise yourself, housework, work, etc., as to what suits you.

Do you have friends and colleagues who you could ask for help if you need to, most people are only too happy to help out if they are asked.

In answer to your very first question, I would leave my husband a minute after marrying him if I found out he was, as you describe, a selfish person by nature and will not do anything for anyone if it means putting himself out in anyway.

There's a better life for you out there, OP.

shakingmyhead1 · 29/11/2017 23:48

pack his bags and put in the kitchen, when he gets home have him sit down, TELL not ask! TELL him that as a family you have new rules and he can either agree with them and live them or he can get up and walk out right now,
parenting is now a two person job and he will start being a parent, or the door is that way---->
The housework is now a two person job, he can do his share or the door is that way ->
He can start showing you some respect and consideration or you guessed it the door is that way --->
He can grow up and start acting like a real man! a married man with children! or the door is that way --->
as soon as he argues toss his shit out the door and say get out! and mean it,
if he wants back in he needs to understand you are equal partners in this and you will do equal work to ensure the marriage and family work...right now you do all the work and earn 1/2 to 1/3 the money to help run it, he either pulls finger and joins in or you can do just as well on your own, most likely better as you wont have to be dealing with him on top of everything else!
btw step one will be at least one day a week/fortnight child free for you!

DullAndOld · 29/11/2017 23:52

dump his sorry ass

MyKingdomForBrie · 29/11/2017 23:57

quiz she’s already addressed that, don’t be a smartass.

DullAndOld · 30/11/2017 00:00

don't a be dick quiz

DoJo · 30/11/2017 00:01

He sounds so spectacularly unpleasant - I hope this thread galvanises you into action because he's being a crap husband and a crap father and you both deserve better. Running a bath take SO little effort that the fact he not only refused but argued the toss over whether you should even have asked him makes me want to pop round and give him a sweary talk about how you should treat the people that you're supposed to love with care and kindness and not being a total git to them.

Leave now before he has the chance to batter your self esteem with his horrendous lack of compassion and while your children are young enough not to pick up on his twattishness too much.

DoJo · 30/11/2017 00:02

Oh, and if someone I knew ended a marriage after a short time I would assume that the other person had been a monumental dick to them and that they had made a good decision- in your case I would be completely correct!

123MothergotafleA · 30/11/2017 00:06

.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2017 00:16

Sounds like my BFFs ex. He once actually asked told her to get him a glass of water.....when he was standing in the kitchen and she was in the living room rocking their baby.

She said that she felt her mental burden was lightened 1000% simply because he wasn't there for her to resent for not helping. And she was already doing everything so when he left her work was actually lessened because she wasn't picking up after him, doing his laundry, etc.

If you don't have local family, would you want to move back home if it was feasible?

I agree with others, gather information and make a plan. Do it silently and secretly.

Italiangreyhound · 30/11/2017 00:34

OP glad you can see sense. He is a total waste of space. Make your plans and make 'em good.

Thanks
DiscoDeviant · 30/11/2017 00:40

I was married to a selfish man who was never around. He commuted to London but also added on extra time to do things for himself. Never saw the children as they were in bed when he left and got home. Spent the weekends pursuing his hobbies. Also was a massive cheat. For some reason I was scared of leaving as I thought I couldn’t do it alone. He made me think I couldn’t. One day I realised I did it all alone anyway and it was easier when he wasn’t there as I didn’t expect him to help and be disappointed when he didn’t. I raised my kids alone and once I LTB I was so much happier.

Gaudeamus · 30/11/2017 01:52

Why on earth would you stay?

Don't waste your time pondering, just end it.

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 30/11/2017 02:38

You and your babies deserve so much more than this. Such behaviour is soul destroying. I think it’s the disappointment that’s the worse...you always hope that it will be OK or get better, but these type of people never change. You will always be disappointed.

Wherever you live at the moment, whatever hell your life is at the moment, your future is up to you. You can change anything in your life to make it better.

FWIW, I would have cut my hours anyway. You don’t need his agreement. You work nearly twice as much as him? So not only do you do all the housework and childcare but you bring in the lion’s share of the money. Your husband is abusing you and I suspect you have only given us the tip of the iceberg.

Leave as soon as you can. He will never get better, only worse.

ohfourfoxache · 30/11/2017 02:40

Run.

Run fast, run far.

Kitsharrington · 30/11/2017 06:19

He sounds like a prize. YANBU.

Skinnydecafflatte · 30/11/2017 07:01

Sorry to hear that you are in this awful situation. There are many people on here who are fantastic at support. Get yourself on the Relationships board and there will be plenty of help and support. They’ll give you excellent advice and handhold you through each step. You don’t have to leave immediately, get everything you need in order (and they’ll help you through this) and take it step by step. Wish it the best of luck OP.

Original poster
Nefney14 · 30/11/2017 07:18

Quiz as I already said it obviously wasn't always like this, and before we had kids a house to run and ended up working opposite shifts I had no reason to rely on him and no idea how he'd be. Believe it or not there are parts of a person you don't get to see until life gets hard.

I'mafraid youre 100% right that this is the tip of the iceberg at least 3 of my examples were from yesterday alone and I think if I were to sit down and start writing it all down I'd go on forever.

Again I know I need to leave. I now have a sort of plan and the future doesn't look all that miserable after all. Thank you again for everyone's help

OP posts:
Ski4130 · 30/11/2017 07:24

You deserve so much better, this breaks my heart. Yes, he sounds selfish, but he also sounds very unkind, and that's what would worry me. Please think long and hard about what and why you're staying with him for, you deserve to live a happy life.

Namechanger2015 · 30/11/2017 07:28

He sounds cold and abusive. I’d recommend either going on the Freedom Programme or reading the book it is based on - Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

It really opened my eyes to my exH’s behaviour, and he sounds a lot like yours.

Good luck with your plans to leave. This will be the best thing you ever did.

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