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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish DH AIBU

171 replies

Nefney14 · 29/11/2017 20:37

First time poster but long time lurker

I absolutely know I'm not being unreasonable about his selfishness but AIBU to seriously consider leaving DH fairly soon into our marriage over these issues?

Sorry it might be quite long but I'll try to be to the point.

DH is a selfish person by nature and will not do anything for anyone if it means putting himself out in anyway and this includes me examples of this are
Refusing to walk an extra 3 minutes (google mapped to prove a point!) when he was already out to get household essentials because he wasn't already going to the shop.

I got sent home from work for being sick and instead of letting me rest he used the time to have some time on his computer and have a sleep while I ran around after DC he point blank refused to change a nappy and then went to town leaving me home alone with DC despite me telling him I didn't feel well enough.

I can not leave the house without DC ever while in contrast he will never let me have any free time to the extent that if I want to bath while the DC are awake I have to take one with me.

We work opposite shifts with me working more hours but I still do the lion share of housework he'll do day to day things washing up etc but any extra duties are my responsibilities and he refuses to ever discuss this.

I was out for lunch with my friend where he worked and he came down to say hi before going into town I asked him to take DC as I was trying to eat with him on my lap and he refused.

I am absolutely exhausted I work 12 hour shifts in a very physically and mentally demanding position I've begged and pleaded for him to either take on more house duties or for me to cut my hours and him pick up more so that we're working more even (he'd be working 30 me 24 compared to me 36 and him 18-24) but he refused because he thinks he'll be more tired.

I had a really hard shift and I asked him to run me a bath while I was walking home because I was achy he refused because I don't run him a bath every night which is true but if he was to phone me and ask me to run him a bath after a hard shift I wouldn't even think twice.

I walk in from a 12 hour shift to my house a state and he often expects me to start with household tasks such as making DC's lunch even tho he's been home all day.

He convinced me not to spend last Christmas with my family and to spend it at home just us and then went to his friends after the DC went to bed leaving me home alone.

He is an absolute vile person when we argue especially if he's been drinking. I had a very abusive childhood and am NC with my mum when he's angry he tells me I'm just like my mum, or calls me her name and says the DC are going to grow up to hate me.

I know they're not the best examples because it's really hard to explain but he literally will not do anything to make my life easier ever. I haven't had a moment away from DC since August I'm exhausted and I honestly feel miserable at the thought of spending the rest of my life with Someone who obviously cares so little about me and im starting to get really embarrassed my friends and family are starting to comment about how selfish he is and I don't have anything to say to defend him.
So AIBU? Would you end your marriage over this?

OP posts:
Nquartz · 29/11/2017 20:58

Please leave, he's horrendous. What is your relationship teaching/modelling for your DC? Nothing good!

Grimbles · 29/11/2017 21:00

Now I literally have no one else, no life and feel absolutely trapped

Is it really worth putting up with his shit just so you have some one?

Who's to say if you did fuck him off that you wouldn't have lots of somebody's because you will be able to do things?

IslingtonLou · 29/11/2017 21:00

I would end things sooner rather than later to protect your mental health and so your kids aren’t exposed to the atmosphere. Him saying you’re like your mother is awful as he is 100% only saying it to hurt your feelings - it’s low and shows his disrespect towards you. You can do better Flowers

You already seem like you do the lion’s share of working & housework anyway - he seems like he detracts from your life rather than supports it

rachelracket · 29/11/2017 21:01

why did you marry and have children with this man?

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 29/11/2017 21:01

LTB. Don't look back.

fredericapotterslawyer · 29/11/2017 21:02

God he sounds horrible. Don't give him another day. Go and see a solicitor tomorrow.

My cousin had children with a man like this. She chucked him out in the end. I saw her the day after; she looked about four inches taller and ten years younger. Everyone who saw her commented on it.

MrsKoala · 29/11/2017 21:03

You say your friends and family are criticising him - so you have them - they obviously care about you. You have a job. You have your children. You have yourself. You have lots going for you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/11/2017 21:03

OK, OP I agree with most other people that he sounds like an absolutely selfish twat.

But rather than everyone going 'Oh why are you still with him' etc.

Do you have local support? Friends or family you can talk to?

Yes, I really do think you should leave him but I appreciate it's not that simple, especially when you are doing everything else, all day, every day.

RecalibratedMilkshake · 29/11/2017 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 29/11/2017 21:06

I know they're not the best examples because it's really hard to explain

No, you've explained perfectly. He's selfish and abuses your good nature.

Please do leave.

If you had a shit upbringing, you're more vulnerable than other people to getting into relationships that aren't good for you. You might need counselling to explore that, and help you in the future.

For now though, say enough is enough. He wouldn't run you a bath. It's so ridiculously petty and unkind that it's the example that's stukc out for me. Lots of people have lazy partners who could do better and will let the other person tack the slack if they can help it. But they're not unkind.

Would he piss on you if you were on fire?

I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve much better.

SnowyPolarBear · 29/11/2017 21:09

This is awful OP. I would leave.

Lazybones12 · 29/11/2017 21:09

I only had to read the first 3 points - Sorry but you have to go! This is not a marriage.

Original poster
Nefney14 · 29/11/2017 21:10

TBH I already knew I had to leave before I posted this I just think I needed to vent after a really bad day.
And again to the people asking why I had kids with him if I'd had a crystal ball and realised it would be like this I wouldn't have but I didn't know that is what life would be like I didn't ever for one second think that he would just watch me struggle and not give a shit.

OP posts:
Munchyseeds · 29/11/2017 21:10

I would have gone long before nowFlowers
Make leaving him the one new year resolution you stick to....being on your own with the kids will be better than being with this excuse of a man

SilverySurfer · 29/11/2017 21:10

What an unfeeling monster - you deserve happiness OP and that means leaving this awful marriage. Are you ok financially? Do you have family and/or friends who can support you through this?

Maybe post on the Relationship Board, the posters on there are amazing and have supported many women through traumatic and difficult times during the process of leaving their husbands/partners.

Wishing you the strength to get through this Flowers

Justanothernameonthepage · 29/11/2017 21:10

It's never too late.
If you won't leave for yourself, leave for your kids. Otherwise they'll grow up thinking this is normal and this is how partners treat each other. Break the cycle now.
It won't be easy, but I bet you find it easier than your life is now.

SnowyPolarBear · 29/11/2017 21:10

I would take the DC and stay with a friend. Is there a friend you can stay with?

MsJudgemental · 29/11/2017 21:11

LTB Flowers

Original poster
Nefney14 · 29/11/2017 21:11

And thank you to everyone for being kind i feel a bit better now and hopefully everyone in real life feels the same and just doesn't see me as a complete fool for ending my marriage so soon

OP posts:
leftwiththedognow · 29/11/2017 21:12

I can't explain how angry this post has made me feel. Fucking vile. Leave as soon as you possibly can.

onlyonaTuesday · 29/11/2017 21:12

I would leave him.
Flowers

MistressoftheYoniverse · 29/11/2017 21:12

Sounds like a right arse ...not blaming you, but why the hell do you put up with this crap? You are not obligated to do half of this so why do you allow him to treat you this way?...People are noticing him let them!!..shame him! I don't think you should leave if you haven't at least told him how you feel and that he is hurting you

WhoWants2Know · 29/11/2017 21:14

So you work more, never have time off from the kids and do all the housework. He is officially a cocklodger. You will be better off without him.

VacantExpression · 29/11/2017 21:15

Its threads like this where I wish this weren't such an anonymous forum.. if you lived near to me I would come and pick you up now OP. And I would run you a bath and mind the kids while you had it.

Having a shit upbringing will make you more vulnerable to making unwise choices in your relationships, and it very much sounds like you have done here. I wish you masses of strength, good luck, and I bet you have more support than you think. You know what you need to do.

Monoblock67 · 29/11/2017 21:15

OP you’ve said twice now about ending your marriage so soon-is it really better to let this drag on for another 20 years until you think ‘right that’s been acceptably long enough for a marriage, now I’ll leave him’

I’m not veing harsh, just trying to get you to see it from a different perspective. I think you’re incredibly brave for coming out and speaking about it