AIBU to question if children really cost this much?

[user1497787373]

I'm single, no DC, no DP, just me. Take home pay for me is around £1,700 a month. This leaves me by no means rich, but it doesn't leave me struggling either. I find my disposable income is fine to live on quite nicely.
Work colleague earns the same as me, has DP who earns an equal amount and 2 DC. However, she's always skint and maintains the cost of running a family is more than the extra money DP brings into the household.
From previous chats, I know we pay a similar mortgage amount. So my question is, does having a DP and 2 DC really cost over £1,700 a month? I understand that obviously children are expensive little munchkins, but I don't see how she has such a lower disposable income that me when the household income is double? (and keeps telling me how fortunate I am that I can afford new clothes, nights out etc etc)

Napqueen - the op said they have similar mortgage outgoings so the bit about paying for a bigger house doesn't hold. She also said the woman has a dh that works so the bit about paying for 4 people doesn't make sense either. At most she is paying for one extra person. Kids/Teenagers do not need to be expensive. They do not need the latest in everything. It sounds like the woman is not very good at managing money.

I have two children (11) our jount income is about 3, 300.

I have years of experience of being single with my flat and a wage that was comparable to yours now.

There is no comparison. I was rich beyond belief (on a salary of say 30k in 2006) compared to jow. Families eat money, so yabu.

Honeylulu- how many households run two cars - we've never had 2 cars. Besides I assume the dh pays for his car not her?

Depends how you parent them
If you use disposable diapers and bottle feed the bill will be huge but if you cloth feed and can breastfeed that bill disappears and you can buy everything a baby needs 2nd hand at the fraction of the cost most of it unused because these parents like your friend buy everything brand new and way to much of it so sell it on cheap. Childcare can be covered by relatives or free childcare vouchers if your area has them or SAHM is an option if it works out cheaper and you can afford to pause your career promotion In terms of all the gadgets etc teenagers demand and designer clothes just avoid it and say no its silly how parents bend to their child's demands these days just because so and so has something so everyother kid has it.
Its not as bad as people make out OP you just have to have your wits about you and not fall for all the rubbish people try tell you you have to have or need. Just do it your way to your lifestyle

*Cloth Diaper you could try feed them their out grown clothes not sure how healthy It is

And the woman obviously has issues with money if she's making sly digs about the op being lucky enough for nights out etc. Who does that?

YABVU. Read the news.

Larger house- an extra £350 a month
Mobile phone contracts x 2 £65 a month.
Dance fees and shoes £200 a month
Extra food £200 a month
School trips, extras from school average £70 a month
Clothes including uniform £50 a month
Extra heating and hot water £20 a month
Extra holiday costs £100 a month

I think it can be expensive but depends on choices and lifestyle. Our combined income is around 3000, but we save 1000 a month so live off 2000. 2 infant age dcs. I'd say we're comfortable but then we buy a lot 2nd hand, and don't pay for childcare. And we live up north.

DC 15,14,12.

The older two are in adult sized clothes and shoes, and still growing - keeping them in clothes and shoes is expensive.

School trips in high school - so far this year we have had letters home for trips totalling £2000 - they each got to go on one trip, not all, but it was still ££££££.

DS 1 plays for a football team and a cricket club = signing on fees and monthly subs, plus associated kit/boots (not to mention travel costs getting to/from training and matches).

DD has monthly subs for guides and music lessons.

DS2 has just started high school and hasn't really settled into new clubs yet, but we are hoping he will. Up til this year he had cricket subs too.

They all have mobile phones that we pay for, and if they go out with friends we will give them cash - usually one a month so maybe £10-20 each.

We also have to pay their monthly bus pass so they can get on the school bus. This is £35 x 3 a month.

It all adds up!

Despite DH being on a good salary and me working full time we are always broke!

I thought my kids were expensive when they were tiny (full-time childcare was >£1600 pm) but my 12 yo is costing a fortune. He’s on his 2nd pair of rugby boots (£50+ each) this term because his feet are growing so fast. I’m expecting to have to buy new shoes soon too. We are having to buy him new trousers every 8 weeks for the same reason. And my two boys are always hungry. Rationally I know its less than nursery fees, but its so much more “visible” because we are having to buy extra stuff every week.

I agree with bellatrix. Many of the 'expenses' associated with children are choices made by the parents.

It depends on your luxuries too. We are on a very low income (though we are both working) and we manage 2 cars, holidays etc BUT we don’t drink or smoke or live lavishly day to day. We don’t feel like we need to. I think that makes a big difference. Don’t really buy myself clothes either. I could do with some and would prob say something similar to you but we do have other nice things. Also if this family are paying childcare that can sometimes swallow up a whole wage as well as Christmas coming up which is very expensive for families. I don’t think children are too expensive day to day but there are lots of large costs crop up.

comfyshoelady yes choices- but if I choose to have kids I want them to have opportunities.

So I don't want them to miss out on school trips or rugby, or dance lessons.
It's an odd teenager that doesn't ave a mobile phone or internet access.

Yes they could always wear second hand clothes, and have no extra curricular activities, not eat out or never go to the cinema, that's all choice, they would survive.

When I was mum to 3 little girls (they’re all grown up now) my wage, which was a decent salary just covered childcare costs. Nursery, childminders and a combination of both at various times during the “Little” years.

They don’t get cheaper as they grow bigger. I should think your colleague sees very little of her own wages, depending on the age of her children she will be spending out on nappies, childcare, after school clubs, shoes every couple of months no matter how old they are, mobile phones and top ups etc if they’re bigger.

Teenagers are expensive. Most of them want the newest technology. They go through food like its fresh air. Clothes cost a fortune at that age. If they are anything like my ds spend hours in the shower. School trips. School lunches. School uniform.

This. Mine are 11, 13 and 16 - we are pretty frugal really but still it is very expensive.

Is it not enough that they tell you it’s expensive? Why do you need to question them unless you were their mortgage advisor...

I agree with bellatrix. Many of the 'expenses' associated with children are choices made by the parents

I do wonder if people making these comments have ever had kids. Certainly Bellatrix - on her food thread that I read just before this one - talks about feeding her and DH - '2 people' according to her thread title. Maybe she has DC that have grown and left home, or maybe she has no experience of the costs of raising DC?

I have DC of 17 and 20 - never had designer clothes, nor expensive phones (basic Samsungs at £10/mth until iPhones in last year or 2 as xmas presents, on £7.5 sim only contracts), no expensive hobbies (but still done athletics, football, Guides, Scouts - which needed subs, sports gear, petrol for lifts etc).

Kids of all ages cost money, but teenagers are effectively adults in terms of food (both mine love food and have great appetites), clothing - they grow so much at this age, heating/showers/baths (not exactly a parental choice), electricity (running laptops for school work, charging devices etc), extra washing - again not a choice.

School uniform - our high school completely changed the uniform a year after youngest started, so all the money we spent kitting her out for first year had to be spent again. DS had to have some new uniform that he was only going to use in his last year.

Eating out in any form - even just a coffee/cake or lunch, costs 4* as much with teenagers (who are much more likely to want a cake or other snack with their coffee than an adult). My 17yo DD can eat for England, she is always hungry. I don't begrudge her, she was a small prem baby with a heart defect, needing supplements to build her up when a baby, but it certainly ups the cost of all of us going out. Yes I accept that eating out is a choice, but how many families never eat out at all?

So yes parents can, and some do, choose to splurge money on kids, but I would say most of the costs of teenagers are definitely unavaoidable needs rather than wants.

One of my friends as a teen was very "cheap to run". She was dressed in conservative old ladies clothing from charity shops. She only had just enough underwear and tights, so had to hand wash some each night for the next day. Her mum cut her hakr at home. She never got to go on school trips, do extra curricular activities or socialise in the evenings because her parents didn't think this necessary. At home after school she did the housework and cooked tea for the family. On Saturdsys she worked in the local shop and handed her wages to her mum and dad for her keep. Didn't even apply for uni because her parents wanted her to go straight into a job.

So no, teens don't have to cost much.
I often wonder if she managed to escape.

Kath, you don't really need to have children to realise that a lot of it is about choices. I bet you could clothe, feed and entertain a teenager for £500 per month. But obviously with more expensive activities, fancy holidays and gadgets it will cost a lot more.

Not sure that's true JoJo. I think its much easier to say say "oh that's nonsense, my children won't have/need that " when you haven't got an actual child/teen in front of you.

I would never have guessed I'd agree to a smartphone for an 11 year old. But the reality is, he and his friends plan their holiday/weekend meet ups on whatsapp. No access to this and yours is the kid left alone whilst everyone's off having fun. And you can arrange all the fun family activities and enriching craft projects you want in your head - but if you are then (un) fortunate enough to give birth to a really musical (or sporty, or whatever) child, its not so easy to say "well I know you could excell at this, you're passionate about it and you show great promise but I really don't want to pay tuition/for an instrument/ team fees/drive you there 3 times a week.

BellatrixLestrangleyou not all of them are really choices. I could not breast feed when milk supply virtually dispersed after I developed spesis. We don’t have family who are physically capable of doing childcare. I was a young carer myself and my PIL are not reliable. Unfortunately taking a career break means I would not get back into my industry and if I have up work we would not afford to pay for a private pension for me. I do believe we can’t rely on the state pension when we are older. I will need to stay in work because DH health issues may mean in the future that he may not be able to work.

Another huge cost if you are at home more is heating. We also tend to buy more expensive food, DD won’t eat plums but will eat blueberries. I also tend to use more convience food eg frozen shopped veg as cooking with a toddler is challenging. DD also has milk allergy and non dairy milk and yoghurts are much more expensive.

Obviously, 12 and 14 year olds don't pop out being 12 and 14. Nursery for mine was £900 a month for 5 days a week 9-5. So two close together in age in nursery could easily have been £1800 a month, which is more than her current salary (who knows how this translates to the value of the pound 10 years ago though). If she's working full-time, she may have needed wraparound care. I know my dd's primary school doesn't have breakfast club and only minimal after school clubs (not every day). I work shorter hours now to do more of the school runs, and my dh and I stagger our work hours. But eventually I won't be able to do that, so he'll have to take more time off (self-employed, less work means less income) or we'll need to get a childminder for after school hours at least until she's old enough to be on her own at home.

So that alone is expensive, if you think of having to do it for like 10 years. Obviously, it's different with a 12 and 14 year old who can probably just take themselves home and look after themselves for a few hours. But I imagine the stress of the earlier years doesn't just fade, so she's probably thinking about it from your perspective of starting from the beginning. Frankly, my dh and I make a really decent income (more than 1700 a month each after taxes) and with childcare and commuting costs once I go back to work, we'll just about be fine having #2.

Why on earth do teenagers need expensive clothes and all the latest gadgets. A phone yes, But apart from that I don't think they're hugely expensive. (In my experience anyway). I agree with bellatrix and comfy, It's all about the choices you make.

In reference to my comments upthread about expenses being choices, I wasn't making a judgement, a lot of those choices are perfectly reasonable, but they are choices all the same. For example someone upthread mentioned mobile phone contracts for teengagers costing £65 a month each. My contract costs £13 a month with a free phone. A teenager could have a pay as you go and top it up from their own earnings. I'm not saying that's necessarily better but there are options.
Obviously there are some unavoidable expenses and a house with teenagers is like feeding 4 adults, but I do think that it's possible to live a comfortable life on a moderate income when you have children. You can get really nice clothes in charity shops/from ebay, there are lots of free things you can do with kids, teenagers can get jobs and pay for some of their own luxuries. Most children don't 'need' there own bedroom, though many families may prefer them to have them.
When I was a teenager I had a modest clothing allowance and bought things from charity shops to make it go further. Other money I needed I earnt myself.