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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About primary school tour

115 replies

Rockandrollwithit · 29/11/2017 13:16

Disclaimer: I'm on the senior leadership team of a primary school, although on mat leave at the moment.

DS1 will be starting primary school next year. Our catchment school is the only one we stand a chance of getting him into and it's outstanding and over subscribed.

I booked a tour round the school and was told not to bring my preschooler. That's fine, he's at preschool anyway.

DS2 is two months old and poorly. He was born with oesophageal atresia and had surgery on the second day of his life followed by a long spell in NICU. He's been in and out of hospital since and has problems with breathing / blue spells. I can't leave him with anyone.

So this morning I turned up for the tour with DS2 asleep in the baby carrier (no pushchair). The receptionist said that it's no children allowed so I explained the situation. DH has had almost two months of compassionate leave from his job as a teacher so there's no way he could have time off to look after the baby. She went off to confer with the headteacher, the result of which was that I wasn't allowed to join the tour. They have no other slots available until after the application deadline so I will now not be able to look around the school before applying.

Were they BU? I understand that children can be disruptive but I think that my situation isn't a normal one.

DS1's life has been drastically changed by having a poorly brother and I feel guilty that I haven't been able to do even this normal thing for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rockandrollwithit · 29/11/2017 13:45

@coddiwomple

What would you suggest then, given that I can't leave DS2 and DH can't have any more time off work?

OP posts:
SoozC · 29/11/2017 13:45

I'm a reception teacher and have had plenty of tours round school with babies, toddlers and preschoolers all along for the ride; we are always welcoming and if the kids start to play with my reception class and the toys then it's really nice to see, both for me and the parent. Any other classroom is viewed through the door or the parents are only there for a moment, not long enough for distractions.

They were being totally unreasonable.

TinyTear · 29/11/2017 13:46

I took my then 6 months old on a sling to visit the two schools we considered for her sister... there were also more babies there... that seems quite inflexible of them

SkeletonSkins · 29/11/2017 13:47

It's really not that disruptive though, they only look in the classroom for a couple of mins and then move on.

Rainshowers · 29/11/2017 13:48

We're doing primary school viewings at the moment. Most here have said no children if possible but there's been people at each one we've visited with small babies and it hasn't been a problem. I definitely think they were being unreasonable not letting you join the tour.

FireCracker2 · 29/11/2017 13:48

Do you inagine that none of the other parents onthe tour had babies they had to find someone to watch?
You have already marked yourself out as being one of those parents who think the rules don't apply to their snowflake, and no doubt your DC will think the same .

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 29/11/2017 13:49

We don't have "tour days" as such. Individual families are welcome to come along at a mutually convenient time and we actively encourage them to bring along the child who is looking to join us.

We don't allow buggies or pushchairs beyond the foyer due to good old Health & Safety but babes in arms are welcome.

Our head is very big on the importance of our [school name] family.

drspouse · 29/11/2017 13:51

Do you inagine that none of the other parents onthe tour had babies they had to find someone to watch?
I don't imagine they had babies that were medically fragile and couldn't be left with anyone else. That is fairly rare frankly.

MuseumGardens · 29/11/2017 13:51

Yanbu.

I suppose as it's the only school you'd have a hope of him getting into at least it's less of an issue than if you were trying to choose between schools and you'll be able to look at the school after the deadline.

I think they should have allowed you in with dc2 though

semideponent · 29/11/2017 13:52

They were put on the spot and it's not surprising they reverted to the stated rules. One person's line isn't the same as another's, and any breach of policy can cause misunderstandings: perhaps part of the reason why it's such a good school is that the SMT understand this. With time to think and plan, they might have been able and willing to work round it: who knows? It's not necessarily a bad thing, and not letting you take DS2 on tour isn't necessarily meant to make you and DS1 feel unwelcome, it's just greatest number reasoning at work in a situation where that kind of thinking is appropriate.

I'd try to see it from their point of view and follow up with a phone call to find out when you might be able to make an informal visit to the school - Christmas fair is a great idea, as someone suggested upthread. You can talk to other parents, peer through classroom doors, see how DS1 responds etc.

FireCracker2 · 29/11/2017 13:52

It's really not that disruptive though, they only look in the classroom for a couple of mins and then move on.

Depends on how many tours there are at this oversubscribed school, and how long it takes the children to settle down again

Sprinklestar · 29/11/2017 13:53

I wouldn't send your DS there. Doesn't sound a nice environment at all.

inchyrablue · 29/11/2017 13:54

Firecracker I think you need to re-read the OP.

OP, could you contact the school and ask for an individual tour. Explain why you will have the baby with you, and that as requested your toddler will not be there (again!).

I do think though, that I would rather be on the waiting list for a school I may not get into but liked, than be at one (outstanding or not) that was so rigid and jobsworthy. When I viewed PS for DD1, I knew straight away which was the right one when I saw the way the HT interacted with the children, and the office staff with parents. It just felt 'right'. I can't imagine being happy with a school like you describe.

coddiwomple · 29/11/2017 13:54

Rockandrollwithit

Unfortunately, that you do what the rest of us has to do: miss the tour (the way we might have to miss the nativity and other events when the school ask for no children because they make it unbearable for everybody!), find a babysitter,

Teachers miss tours because.. they are at work during school hours. Working parents miss tours because they can't take time off. It sucks, but we manage.

What you could have done is call the school in advance, and explain the situation. They might have been more helpful than trying to push your way in.

Honestly, I had to go through school presentations where I did not hear a word because of kids being noisy. It was cringing when it was some Primary School kids talking about their school and answering parents questions! Some parents are just rude and disrespectful, I am sorry if you are not one of them but end up being penalised because of them.

HuskyMcClusky · 29/11/2017 13:55

YANBU. I think they were really inflexible and ridiculous, tbh.

Bluebell1981 · 29/11/2017 13:56

I would seriously consider another school, as that's not an ethos I'd want to support. Primary school I'm hoping to send my child to next year had open days on a Saturday - children all welcome so you could see how staff interact with them. At the end of the day it's the child attending the school, not the parent. Others I know of have them in the evening so as not to disrupt the children already in class.

Ridiculous not to allow children at all when they're going to spending 7/8 years there, and babies even more so.

spandausally · 29/11/2017 13:57

You have already marked yourself out as being one of those parents who think the rules don't apply to their snowflake

Did you bother to read the OP? I think in these circumstances the rules shouldn't apply to this baby.

Original poster
Rockandrollwithit · 29/11/2017 13:57

@Firecracker

Yes I do think my situation is different. I would love to have a healthy baby that I could leave with someone and arrange a babysitter. I will tell DS2 that he's just being a snowflake the next time he's going blue because he can't breathe and I need to bring him around.

OP posts:
murmuration · 29/11/2017 13:58

YANBU! If they meant no children they should have said no children, not just don't bring the pre-schooler. Did it seriously not occur to anyone that someone looking at primary schools might not have another, younger, child?

I'd worry a lot about this school. They are already unclear in their instructions, and then sticking rigidly to rules they had not even shared with you. And in a situation where even had they shared the rule, your situation sounds like one where an exception is quite called for. It doesn't bode well for the future.

Originalfoogirl · 29/11/2017 13:59

“Rules is rules” say they. “No exceptions” they say.

Think down the line when your second child joins his brother at school, and you need their help and support to ensure he is properly cared for, to ensure they are inclusive and he isn’t left out from activities which might ordinarily pose a risk but which with sideways thinking can be adapted to suit. To make sure they are prepared to get the appropriate training for some staff in case he goes blue.

You want to risk this unbendable management team is going to be prepared to do that?

We had a similar issue with the first school we visited. Our girl was in a buggy because she has CP. We were told no buggies. I explained she had CP and couldn’t walk. I was told I could carry her. When I asked why they said “buggy wheels are dirty and we don’t have the space”. I asked if you would accept a parent in a wheelchair and they said “of course”. Same thing, I said. They continued to argue so I said, loudly enough for the other parents to hear, “if you are the type of school which discriminated against a pre-schooler with a disability, you are not the kind of school I would want to send any child to.” I left and made a complaint to the Local Authority.

If you even suspect your child might need any kind of help in the future, be sure the management team are one who can see past “rules is rules”

Crusoe · 29/11/2017 14:00

YANBU
Not very friendly or supportive. One might hope that a school of all places might be a bit more understanding and basically kind.
Being so inflexible would ring some alarm bells for me. I wouldn’t want to be a child who was in anyway “different” there.

Greatballs · 29/11/2017 14:00

I'm surprised to hear this OP.
It's virtually the opposite at our school; everyone is very welcome whether you're 1 or 101. We're like this all year round as we're genuinely inclusive and open. An experience like yours would strongly make me question how I'd be able to build up a positive relationship with my child's school. Why so strict?

Silverthorn · 29/11/2017 14:02

Yanbu, I've looked around 3 schools with my 19mo in a sling and 3.7yo holding my hand. All were accomodating and friendly. I also went to an open evening where others had children with them. No one batted an eyelid at any of the bored fractious toddlers. If they had it would have instantly put me off the school. I suggest you look further afield for a more child-oriented school.

Original poster
Rockandrollwithit · 29/11/2017 14:02

@originalfoogirl

This does worry me. At the very least DS2 will need one to one supervision when eating. I'm looking at other schools (I was anyway, always good to keep options open) but they are all over subscribed so we have very little chance of getting him in.

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 29/11/2017 14:04

Blimey. I have looked round 6 schools in the last few weeks. All of them had children on the tours, 4 had teas and coffees at the end with some play bits out for the kids so the parents could ask questions while they were entertained.