"Why didn't you just Ask?"

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Ive had a shitty day, so maybe why this comment has grated on me more than normal.

Got in from work about 7pm, DH finished at 4 today. DH is sorting baby out for bed when I get in. I started a load of washing and begin taking up the piles of laundry I did this morning. DH sees me bringing these upstairs and says " Why didn't you just ask me, I would have done it"

Start making our tea, whilst straightening things up and notice the bin needs changing. I'm carrying the bin bag ready to put in the black bin, and DH says the famous words
"why didn't you just ask me, I would have done that"

I ended up snapping and told him
"Youve been in since 4 and havent done it. I shouldnt have too ask you to do stuff around the house. Nobody bloody asks me to do these things, I just do it"

He looked horrified and then did a sad face and walked off. He is still showcasing the sad face as I type this. I feel like a right tight cow.

Was IBU or do I owe DH an apology?

bluesky my thread wasn't a discussion on what he hasn't or has done. I didn't say anything to him and started the chores. It was the fact of him saying " oh why didn't you just ask I would have done it " that grated on me.

For the posters saying he was getting the baby ready for bed , he got in at 4pm. I highly doubt he was dressing her for 3 hours. When it's my days off or I finish early I still manage to do things.

I apologised for snapping because that was wrong of me, I had a shit day and I shouldnt have taken it out on him. I explained what I meant though in a calm way and he agreed with what my point was.

He does do things, but he's like another posters husbands. "oh I'll do it in a minute" and 2 hours later still not done.

My DH does empty the bins and he does the washing at weekends. I pulled him up years ago for saying that he was doing the washing 'for me', as half the washing was his (this was pre DDs). He got the point.

Now the one thing that gets to me is that he's unable to sort our DDs' washing. They're 8 and 5, just look at the labels, it's not rocket science! I just asked him to bring it upstairs and I would sort it, which he does.

I completely rearranged the bedroom when DH was away; when I told him I would be doing it he started a row saying he'd help 'if only you asked'.
I pointed out that the last time I asked him to help me move furniture he'd gone on and on about how he didn't see why it needed moving (to do decorating and then prepare for a new carpet to be laid!) and six months later was still bellyaching about it 😡.
I'm sick of everything entailing an inquest!

The best way round this type of miscommunication is a shared "TO DO LIST"
Write daily stuff on the list as and when.
Tick off when done.
Saves a lot of hassle

You shouldn't need a to do list to tell you to empty the flipping bin when it's full. Besides, all that happens is the woman ends up still having to tell him what to do through the medium of a written list. Surely the whole point is that he is a grown up who should be capable of doing the day to day basics of living.

This reminds me of the mental load...perhaps show him this www.scarymommy.com/emma-you-shouldve-asked-mental-load/

Can't speak for everyone, but I found the baby stage the hardest in terms of physical exhaustion and there was a strain on my marriage. The earlier your husband takes on more of the load, the better...otherwise the mother is in danger of taking it all on by default.

Snapping damages relationships. It's more productive to respond with kindness to the first provocation than with anger to the tenth.

Me: Can you do thing please

Him: yes ok

Him:

Me: Err thing still needs doing

Him: Huff puff waah "I was just about to"

Me:

Another one recently....I mentioned that most of Christmas stuff was organised as far as possible. I went through the people who still didn't have presents, mainly his parents as I have no idea what to get them. He moaned that I'd not sorted then out, despite the fact I'd sorted out siblings, nieces and nephews. He said "so what are we going to get them?" Nope, what are YOU going to get them!! I've thought about and looked around for months and sorted it all. Cards all written and presents bought and wrapped. He can sort out 2 pissing presents. He sorted FIL and I've since sorted MIL.

The worst one for me is when DH is going to cook but he’ll still expect me to tell him what to cook. It drives me crazy. Part of the relief of not being the cook for the night is not having to think of something to cook (especially as I’m veggie and he’s not so it’s two meals to think of).

It’s made even worse though by the fact I have a blackboard in the cupboard with the weeks meal plan on but he ‘forgets that it’s there.’

Snapping damages relationships.

As does failing to do a fucking thing.

I remember years ago when I had a really bad ankle injury and was on crutches for 3 months (again pre-DDs). I couldn't manage to do any cleaning, obviously, and was getting really fed up with the state of the house. I kept asking DH to do the hoovering, at least downstairs where I was. He kept saying he didn't have time. I wasn't asking for a spring clean fgs, just to spend a few minutes hoovering! In the end I called in a cleaning company to do a thorough clean.

He's much better now, though he still can't see dust.

I do it, otherwise I end up living in a fucking pigsty. I'm not willing to 'go on strike' and not do washing up or tidy anything, because I have to live there too.

He'll do it if I ask...... Eventually.

I've tried in the morning to lay out a plan for the day. "Can we tidy and make sure we hoover today?" "Yeah, good idea" then the inevitable lounging around half dressed messing on the phone happens and the day passes.

I'm fucking talking to a wall sometimes.

YANBU.

If men can manage to climb Everest "just because it's there", then they can do simple household tasks . . . and even our laundry bin rarely requires an oxygen mask, so no special training or equipment are needed.

I've tried in the morning to lay out a plan for the day. "Can we tidy and make sure we hoover today?" "Yeah, good idea" then the inevitable lounging around half dressed messing on the phone happens and the day passes.

I don't wish it on anyone Thuursday, but I'm glad it's not just me. It takes the lazy sod two hours to turn round on a morning!

Like you, I do it because I can't stand living in squalor, I doubt he would even notice until pile of rubbish collapsed on him.

Just read the link about the mental load. I've always prided myself on doing absolutely everything so my DH can focus on work. Now I realise I'm making the rod for my own back. Hmm... perhaps things need to change.

The correct response to
"Why didn't you ask?"
is

"why didn't you THINK?"

Crikey. So much hostility and so much patronising. I wonder sometimes if there isn’t an element of needing to be the one in charge here. I used to get very uptight about chores, then we sat down and had an honest talk about what matters. And you know, sometimes an afternoon in bed trumps doing the washing. It’s easy to be a domestic slave in your head, and forget the nice bits about babies because you’re worried about bins. Instead of noticing what’s not done try noticing what is done. Think what it’s like to have someone talk to you or about you in this way.

Cunning, you really don't get it.

Showcasing the sad face

Love it.

YANBU. Why is it up to you to know what needs to be done? This drives me bonkers.

an element of needing to be the one in charge here

Funny, what I'm seeing is an element of needing not to always be the one in charge

Someone said above that all men are like this - not true. My DH spent Sunday morning steam cleaning the floors, washing windows, doing laundry etc. He cleans as he goes - always spots what needs to be done and does it. Whichever one of us is feeling more tired does less.

What was your DH doing in the few hours he had home from work? Its ok if he was relaxing and spending time with the baby or being lazy. Surely there is plenty of time in the evening, after the baby is in bed, to do housework. It obviously would annoy me if he never lifted a finger though.

Again, it's the mental load and don't let it all fall on you. Google it for loads of tips. One thing that we started doing is switching tasks. Mostly between bathroom and kitchen...one of us takes full responsibility for a week. The kicker is that if you can't/don't do the cleaning, you have to pay a cleaner or arrange to do double duty the following week.

lifehacker.com/how-to-share-the-mental-load-of-chores-with-your-part-1795657878 is a good one...beware the bloggers advising an excel spreadsheet (maintained by the mother of course)