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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Why didn't you just Ask?"

124 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 28/11/2017 20:49

Ive had a shitty day, so maybe why this comment has grated on me more than normal.

Got in from work about 7pm, DH finished at 4 today. DH is sorting baby out for bed when I get in. I started a load of washing and begin taking up the piles of laundry I did this morning. DH sees me bringing these upstairs and says " Why didn't you just ask me, I would have done it"

Start making our tea, whilst straightening things up and notice the bin needs changing. I'm carrying the bin bag ready to put in the black bin, and DH says the famous words
"why didn't you just ask me, I would have done that"

I ended up snapping and told him
"Youve been in since 4 and havent done it. I shouldnt have too ask you to do stuff around the house. Nobody bloody asks me to do these things, I just do it"

He looked horrified and then did a sad face and walked off. He is still showcasing the sad face as I type this. I feel like a right tight cow.

Was IBU or do I owe DH an apology?

OP posts:
ginteresting · 28/11/2017 22:18

You don’t owe him an apology, it’s the truth. Daily mail sad face him when you get in next time and he hasn’t done what you would have done.

mehhh · 28/11/2017 22:29

Yanbu I feel like screaming this from the top of the roof sometimes

Ropsleybunny · 28/11/2017 22:30

Is he an adult?

Italiangreyhound · 28/11/2017 22:33

You do not owe him an apology. He owes you an apology for walking about with a sad face when you pointed out the bleedin' obvious.

MrGrumpy01 · 28/11/2017 22:34

can't Part of me knows I should, but ds has autism - it could be dreadful. He better do it next week, I am going out at 5am and won't be back until 9pm ish.

I am not going to mention the advent calendars that need getting down from the loft though, there is a fabric one and a Playmobil one that we reuse because I am a cheapskate We will see if they make an appearance, but no doubt it will be along the lines of I didn't know where they were. in the clearly organised and labelled boxes of Christmas stuff

ChampagneSocialist1 · 28/11/2017 22:44

He is not helping you, he is contributing to the household of which he is one of the adults. Do not give in to his sad face or you too do a sad face at his incompetency

AnneElliott · 28/11/2017 22:44

Do not apologise. H does this to me, says 'I was just about to do that'. Gives me the rage!

ChangingStates · 28/11/2017 22:50

I hate him for you.
Disclaimer- separating from my h at the moment who also did this and then often when asked would say no. Fucker. So my rage towards your DH may be disproportionate, somewhat. Plus I have been drinking wine.

Valentine2 · 28/11/2017 22:53

Don't.you.move.an.inch.on.it.OP!
He isn't blind/child/incapable of independent thinking etc etc. He can see these things as much as you. Let him see them.

venellopevonschweetz · 28/11/2017 23:06

Not just my DH then Confused

I feel your pain OP Thanks

Mittens1969 · 28/11/2017 23:09

My DH is a bit like this, says, 'I'm not a mind reader.' He likes things to be spelt out for him and worries about stepping on my toes as it were. On one occasion when he did the tea, he was unsure what to do, saying, 'I don't know what you've planned.' I just sighed and said, ' Just do what I would do and see what's there, in the fridge and the freezer.' Confused

Itscurtainsforyou · 28/11/2017 23:14

I hear you OP. Sometimes you just want to shout "open your fucking eyes!" It is beyond me why (some of them) think that you will organise and make everything happen and they deserve a medal for just showing up.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/11/2017 23:21

ah... takes me back. it is so much easier being responsible for it all as a single parent than when he was here pissing me off making a mess and not taking any responsibility.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/11/2017 23:21

mine even asked for help cleaning his new house Grin poor deluded sod.

Blueskyrain · 28/11/2017 23:22

I think the responses would be very different if a woman was putting her baby to bed, and the man was complaining that she hadn't done enough chores...

Rachel0Greep · 28/11/2017 23:59

YANBU.
And just to add, I'm often surprised ( to put it mildly) on threads like this where posters say oh he does his share - the gardening, the car insurance... No, no, no. Unless it is the Garden of Versailles, it does not compare to the workload of everyday housework.
And car insurance... Oh give me strength.

Stay strong OP.

HermionesRightHook · 29/11/2017 00:15

Ugh, the sad face is ridiculous. If he could have done it if he was asked, he could have done it if he'd put even a modicum of thought into it at half past four, after he'd had a sit down and after he had to do baby thing.

I would be fucked off with this. It's the 'I could have if you'd said' that gets me. I would be much much less fucked off with 'sorry babe, I saw it and I forgot because baby'. That's a reasonable reason - looking after a baby, playing and caring for them, is the sort of thing that means you put aside things like the bin for, especially if they're playing up. Expecting a list of chores like you are the baby is just shit.

HermionesRightHook · 29/11/2017 00:17

I think the responses would be very different if a woman was putting her baby to bed, and the man was complaining that she hadn't done enough chores...

I agree, but because I doubt a woman would apologise to a man saying 'I could have if you'd asked'. It's the attitude behind the statement that annoys me: the presumption that it's her job to think of what needs doing and issue orders that's the annoying thing, not the job itself.

flumpybear · 29/11/2017 06:07

My husband is slowly learning to do his share but it’s annoying when I get the following

  1. Will you put your washing away I’ve washed and dried it all you only need to put it away ..... when I do a job though I finish it ffs!!! And don’t bloody winge!

I’ll come home and the kitchen surfaces are clear and it looks ‘tidy’ - I’m often carrying shipping which I put away then get dinner on and cook a lovely meal whilst he sits on his arse .... I never say ‘look I’ve done the shopping and cooked’ .... don’t expect praise ... but then he’ll pipe up ‘why is the kitchen a mess’ ..... eerrrrrr because the dish washer needs loading - I just bloody cooked and am putting the kids to bed

All this and loads more. Thing that pisses me off mostvis that he gets LOADS of time alone in the house .... I literally spend every moment in the house with children so loads to do tidying and refereeing .... his work means he works nights but gets loads of week days as off days so loads of ‘him’ tine

I literally never get that!!! Plus my job is really busy and quite stressful but I do earn a lot, his isn’t !

RichmondAvenue · 29/11/2017 06:28

So this morning, 2 kids under 2. Oldest awake at 5. DH has to leave at 6. I have quick shower and come downstairs and DS1 is playing in kitchen. We need to leave at 7. "Is DS dressed?" "Oh you should have said." Say what???? You expect him to go to nursery in his fucking pajamas?!

"Has baby had nappy changed?" You guessed it. So he'd been downstairs with them for 20 minutes while I'm showering, getting dressed, making beds etc and has got a glass of milk poured for DS. "I was waiting for you." Fucking hell, use your initiative FFS!! Then he says, "I've gotta go, traffic will be bad." Grrrrr.

LoislovesStewie · 29/11/2017 06:46

In my experience all men do this ( apologies to the me out there who are different but I haven't met you!). I firmly believe that they just don't see it , they wear blinkers so if it is something they see as being beneficial to them they do it otherwise it doesn't exist. Mine doesn't see full bins , neither does he see the laundry basket so he is constantly bemoaning that I haven't put some item of his in the machine (usually notices this when the machine is half way through the cycle), I asked mine to change our bedding one day and got home to find dirty duvet still on bed; that apparently is not bedding! I ask you! And beds don't need to be made because well you are only going get in again at night. I could write a book about it.

WomblingThree · 29/11/2017 06:57

@LoislovesStewie no, all men don’t” do this. They aren’t blind, so why are you making allowances for them and allowing them to use such a pathetic excuse? If they acted like that at work, they would get fired, so clearly they are perfectly capable of day to day life. Your partner absolutely does* see what needs doing, but knows damn well you will do it anyway.

The reason you have never met a man who doesn’t act like this is because you are condoning this behaviour. It’s time women stopped treating men as a different species and just expected them to pull their weight without all the bloody drama.

WomblingThree · 29/11/2017 06:58

Bold fail 😡

meditrina · 29/11/2017 07:02

My (current) gripe with DH is his inability to sort the recycling from the general waste. We have a 2 bin system, so it's not difficult. The list of what can be recycled is on the noticeboard (guess which if us put it there)

I wasn't born with this knowledge, I just read it and use the info every single time He - it seems - can't be bothered, and will ask me which bin XYZ goes in.

(not sure what one would do to dispose of a corpse)

Cambionome · 29/11/2017 07:14

Exactly what Wombling said.

Don't put up with this shit. Seriously.