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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Why didn't you just Ask?"

124 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 28/11/2017 20:49

Ive had a shitty day, so maybe why this comment has grated on me more than normal.

Got in from work about 7pm, DH finished at 4 today. DH is sorting baby out for bed when I get in. I started a load of washing and begin taking up the piles of laundry I did this morning. DH sees me bringing these upstairs and says " Why didn't you just ask me, I would have done it"

Start making our tea, whilst straightening things up and notice the bin needs changing. I'm carrying the bin bag ready to put in the black bin, and DH says the famous words
"why didn't you just ask me, I would have done that"

I ended up snapping and told him
"Youve been in since 4 and havent done it. I shouldnt have too ask you to do stuff around the house. Nobody bloody asks me to do these things, I just do it"

He looked horrified and then did a sad face and walked off. He is still showcasing the sad face as I type this. I feel like a right tight cow.

Was IBU or do I owe DH an apology?

OP posts:
ememem84 · 28/11/2017 21:46

OOOooooh me me me!! I have a “just about to do that” dh. So when he said those words I say “ok. Great” drop whatever it was I was doing - this evening washing up- and sit down.

Barbie222 · 28/11/2017 21:48

My DH is a SAHD and I work full time. I have a board to write jobs on.

I’d be irritated with anyone who wrote lots of things for me to do if I was a SAHP - but then thinking about this, the truth is that I’d really be irritated at myself that someone actually needed to point out how to run a house for me.

timeisnotaline · 28/11/2017 21:50

Do not apologise!
I snapped my dhs head off when he came in as I was emptying out the nappy bag and tidying the cutlery drawer as ds' forks just disappear, presumably abandoned at cafes by accident. I buy him bunnikins sets and we have these abandoned spoons. Dp wouldn't notice or care , or unpack his food bag on coming in. Dp defensive and said it doesn't really matter he can pretty much use our forks now. I was unimpressed and said what a lovely suggestion that we can start losing pieces of our cutlery set instead. I really feel like we are both jointly responsibke for this household now. Dp sat down and ordered two more cutlery sets because he does get it after much training . If he sadface huffed at me it would be war Grin

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/11/2017 21:52

Yes Barbie and I have to say if I had the mental load as well as the responsibility of being the only earner I'd go nuts!

Believeitornot · 28/11/2017 21:53

It's not doing all the stuff that wears me out, so much as having to be the fucking general of household manoeuvres all the time

^AMEN to this

TieGrr · 28/11/2017 21:53

That fucking sad face. DP does it as well. Just do your bit around the house without me asking first.

I'm trying to get him to understand that anything he chooses not to do, he's essentially leaving for me to do. So if he doesn't bring the bins in or tidy up after himself, he's making it my job. Whereas I think he's still in the mindset of a single man, where stuff is just let build up.

Ttbb · 28/11/2017 21:54

YANBU. So do annoying

NutellaCookie · 28/11/2017 21:58

Sigh...sounds like our house too.
I also get "have you seen my shoes/top/keys/notebook" all the time. Apparently it's easier to ask me first rather than look himself. It gives me the rage!

I honestly feel like I have 3 DC at times. Yet he runs a successful business!

YANBU btw.

Nikephorus · 28/11/2017 21:59

I disagree. OP says he was getting the baby ready for bed when she came in so it's not like he was sitting round doing nothing. How long had he been busy with the baby?
Maybe he thought the bin had room for more rubbish - just because OP thinks it needs to go out doesn't mean it definitely did. And he's not a mind reader. If you want something doing just ask. If he's been busy with the baby then maybe he thought taking the washing upstairs could wait. People don't always notice things - OP noticed the washing because she put a load on.
If he'd taken the washing upstairs & emptied the bin but left the child he'd have got it in the neck for that too.

IrritatedUser1960 · 28/11/2017 22:01

This is why there is no man in my house - I am sick of the mental load I've been bearing for years and don't need to take their shit any more.
My house on my own is always organised, everything is clean and tidy, the garden looks great, I have down time and time to do my hobbies.
If I ever have another boyfriend he will most definitely be live out only.

cunningartificer · 28/11/2017 22:02

Crikey! He’s sorting out the baby for bed and doesn’t simultaneously take up the laundry or empty the bin? Quel horreur! With DH and I we used to do what came to hand—life’s too short to expect mindreading. I notice things he doesn’t and vice versa, if I want him to do something I ask him and he does the same. Otherwise we do what we see as priorities. For what it’s worth I’d be quite happy with swapping bedtime for a couple of other jobs. I really don’t get this. If it was the other way around and a DH was complaining that DP putting child to bed hadn’t emptied bin or put laundry away I reckon there would be outrage.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/11/2017 22:04

Nike and cunning he's hardly been putting the baby to bed for three hours now has he?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/11/2017 22:04

Just don't get me started!

MrGrumpy01 · 28/11/2017 22:05

YANBU

Yes Barbie and I have to say if I had the mental load as well as the responsibility of being the only earner I'd go nuts!

Yep, going very nuts here. There was a bill that needed paying (garden service - they push an invoice through the door) It has just sat there until I did it tonight. It was mine to do when I was the SAHP and it is still mine now that I work full time.

I am perhaps being a little unfair, he does do things but not the 'other stuff', biggest bug bear is that he will take them swimming (all good) but then leave soggy things for me to sort. I would say he cooks tea, but 2 out of the 5 I do. (after school activities)

But i get 'if you ask I'll do it', yeah I shouldn't have to ask you to shove a load of washing in when you can't actually close the washing basket lid. Hmm

Nikephorus · 28/11/2017 22:07

Cant but maybe he's been looking after / playing with the baby for 3 hours? Or doing other things that OP hasn't mentioned?

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 28/11/2017 22:07

he's not a mind reader

These poor men, so unable to think for themselves that they have to read their Dw's actual mind in order to tell whether the washing needs done. I'm amazed they can find their way to the office on their own, let alone hold down a job Hmm

mumof2sarah · 28/11/2017 22:09

Tbh I'd have probably apologised for snapping but made it clear why I snapped and why I was angry. I think every one has the bad days and everyone looks back at how they handled a situation and thinks wow I could have done this a bit different. But don't apologise for saying what you said. He's a grown man he should have been able to see that those jobs needed doing! Yanbu with why you were angry at all xx

greathat · 28/11/2017 22:10

ah just realised its the same thing in the other link... ignore that

Upsy1981 · 28/11/2017 22:10

I asked DH to empty the (overflowing) kitchen bin the other day. He asked me why I can't ever do it. I said I would do it when he cleaned the bathroom or mopped the floors. He soon got the bin emptied but it is always me who has to point stuff out, everyone else would rather just precariously balance more and more stuff on the pile.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/11/2017 22:13

MrGrump have you tried just not doing it? I mean if the gardener calls DH is presumably the one at home. Next time he decides to take the dc swimming he'll realise he left their stuff in soggy heap.

I know it'd be hard to just ignore it and you'd probably feel guilty (dc missing out on swimming for example) but maybe in the long run it's worth taking that step back and allowing him to see the consequences for him ie life is more bloody awkward (and the dc complain to him about missing swimming)!

BiglyBadgers · 28/11/2017 22:13

For those saying he was busy with the baby so couldn't do it, surely if that was the case he wouldn't have said he would do it if she had asked. He could have just said 'oh great you've put a load on, I've been so busy with a screaming baby since I got in'. Clearly he felt he could have done the jobs and acknowledged that those jobs needed doing, if only he had been given instructions. He shouldn't need to wait until someone asks.

My dh does 'We could really do with...' and then just leaves what ever it is that he thinks we should do hanging there. It drives me nuts. If you think we should do something go and blooming well do it FFS. Apart from that I love him dearly and he is somehow magically capable of emptying bins and doing washing without anyone needing to ask him. Clearly this is some sort of super power.

BikeRunSki · 28/11/2017 22:13

Its not the doing stuff that is exhausting, its the constant thinking about it.

timeisnotaline · 28/11/2017 22:14

upsy next time say ok I will. You can do the bathroom - spray and scrub the toilet and basin, dust, scrub the bath and mop, then mop the rest of the house. Good plan dp!

Catsshoes777 · 28/11/2017 22:15

OP you are SO not being unreasonable. *
*
Do not give in to sad face.

I've had exactly the same thing.

DH thinks laundry gets clean all by itself... Last weekend I put a wash on WITH NONE OF DH'S STUFF - just quietly, didn't say anything.

Took a couple of days, but it worked ...Smile