"Why didn't you just Ask?"

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Ive had a shitty day, so maybe why this comment has grated on me more than normal.

Got in from work about 7pm, DH finished at 4 today. DH is sorting baby out for bed when I get in. I started a load of washing and begin taking up the piles of laundry I did this morning. DH sees me bringing these upstairs and says " Why didn't you just ask me, I would have done it"

Start making our tea, whilst straightening things up and notice the bin needs changing. I'm carrying the bin bag ready to put in the black bin, and DH says the famous words
"why didn't you just ask me, I would have done that"

I ended up snapping and told him
"Youve been in since 4 and havent done it. I shouldnt have too ask you to do stuff around the house. Nobody bloody asks me to do these things, I just do it"

He looked horrified and then did a sad face and walked off. He is still showcasing the sad face as I type this. I feel like a right tight cow.

Was IBU or do I owe DH an apology?

My DH does this. He doesn't say 'for you' but he likes to list stuff he's done- I want to shout 'do you want a medal?' But I don't!!

It's the stuff that he just doesn't see that gets on my wick! Open your eyes!!

Well, your first mistake was in, expecting a man to think like a woman....ain't never going to happen!

Yanbu. Send him the link posted up thread. I showed that to mine a little while ago, it did help him to understand the 'mental load'

You don't owe an apology you were right and his sad face shows he knows it. I think the 'oh I'd have done that ..' is feeling guilty for not having done it before you got home but then trying to relieve the guilt by half offering when you've near done it.

Thing is too if you'd have made a list / asked etc you'd have been told you were nagging or mithering.

Oh god I fucking hate this so much. I just realised today I don't have post natal depression, j have RAGe at being a woman.

Do not apologize Op. This "you should have asked me" bollox is his way of saying he believes you're responsible for the thinking when it comes to household tasks. Then the thinking for all child related concerns gets added on and then he's doing things for you . So what if you snapped at him, people speak sharply at times, no one ever died from it and it might just make him cop himself on!

Mine will ask if there's anything that needs done, agree to do it, and sit around on his damn phone for ages. The second I get up to do it myself he was "just about to do that!" Makes me want to chap his head...

YANBU.

I never put the bins out. (Only if dp's away which is hardly ever.) It took over two years of him moaning about it regularly for him to accept that this is his job. (I just ignored him and never did it. I was utterly determined.) For some years now he has done it without any reference to me. It feels like a victory.

What a load of crap Wdigin2this, honestly it's people peddling that kind of rubbish that causes this problem. Only women's brains can possibly work out when fucking bins need to be emptied or laundry put away, please!

Interesting, chatting to Mr Foo about this. He says, leave the poor man alone, perhaps he didn’t see the bin needed emptying or the washing that was lying about that he stepped over twice

For information, I disagree with him and think there’s no excuse when you have been playing Jenga-rubbish with the recycling bin for a week.

Perhaps apologise for snapping, but maybe have a conversation about it later when sulky pants are put away.

People, you all need to go on strike. Grit your teeth, let the their washing pile up, do nothing about dinner, and when they start to huff and puff, say 'oh goodness! You should have asked!'

It's a choice to keep picking up their slack. Just stop doing it. I stopped because I refuse to allow my sons to grow up under the impression that women are their skivvies. DP turns out to be perfectly competent now he understands he's equally responsible for the smooth running of the household we're currently playing chicken over making a dentists appointment for DS but I'm going to win

kate that annoys me too. I'll do it in a minute... just so it now then you can go back to your stupid game without me feeling like I want to kill you!

Original I hope you suggested to MrFoo that perhaps it suits a lot of these men to not see the patently obvious the overflowing bin, the laundry or all the other household related tasks they'd prefer their wife to take on when she arrives home 3 hours after them .

We have a pretty even split of chores, but I constantly feel like I am in a trap of being a moaner or a martyr. For instance, after dinner, unless I allocate tasks to the dc, or do the clearing up myself, dh just walks away from the table - if I leave it, he will do it later, but won't fully clear the table or wipe any surfaces. I have asked him to sometimes allocate the chores to the dc, otherwise it perpetuates the idea that 'I am in charge of and the only one who cares' about anything domestic. He never does, as it is easier to do it himself (they always do what they are asked, capably and efficiently). It grates, watching it there. Clear up the breakfast plate left out every morning? Martyr. Leave it there? Seems petty and moany. Ask to discuss chores? Thereby suggesting their allocation is all my job/interest again. Never makes a drink for the dc, or offers them anything - yes, they can do it themselves, but its nice to get things for each other in a family, I do stuff like that to nurture them as well as encouraging their independence (now I realise why they never ask him, and always ask me, because when they do they get a flat no). But we have got closer recently, which is lovely, and he has got more engaged with it - he notices what I do more, steps up, engages more with the dc. Thus proving what teamwork can actually look like.

My DH is a SAHD and I work full time. I have a board to write jobs on. If I think something needs doing I write it up although he is increasingly remembering to do the regular jobs himself (and has the main ones permanently written up). Similarly if he comes across something I need to do then he makes a note for me.

Oh forgot to mention that DH does the sad face thing (and hides in his room) if I get cross at him too! I mostly end up apologising to him which I know I shouldn't. Best just to leave him to it.

Mine says "I was going to do that" as I clean up the mess he has been surrounded by.
Your not being unreasonable being annoyed, but I would probably apologise for snapping.

In flatshare days, I lasted a year with a female friend who didn't notice when the rubbish was climbing out etc

How some people have families with partners like this is beyond me!

YANBU. As for his pouty face ignore it. You can see he's a stroppy misery for being called out on his laziness. It's not your role to molify him. He needs to pull his socks up.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

He says...ahh but how many times is the bin emptied by him, unnoticed by her? What else did he do in the 3 hours before she got home. Apparently it’s about the whole picture.

For information, I still don’t agree with him 😂

And what surprises me is, he should agree with all of you because he never does the “should have asked” thing and it pretty good at spotting things need doing. But he says it’s bro-solidarity 😂

OP I'm so with you on this one. My dh is the same! If I can notice these things need doing why can't he. He's a grown up he should be able to see for himself what needs doing with you having to tell him. Do not apologise. You are right!

Re “I was going to do that”.
I’ve started saying “ok then” and handing over whatever the chore is.

Go mental at him.

If he is expecting you to project manage his life then tell him that you won't be doing any of the actual work. Cos you're his manager.

Mr Foo also asks why you’re all sitting here on mumsnet when there must be some housework to do.

He’s a goady fucker 😂