To not have Christmas Dinner at my MIL's this year?

[McBounty]

Genuine question. I didn't think I was BU at all, but I am now questioning myself.

Every year for the past 5 years, DH, our DS and I have had Christmas dinner at my MIL's. My SIL and her family also have dinner there with us too.

We decided this year to do our own little Christmas dinner because I've never had the opportunity to do so and I love cooking. The reason we've done so many years at my MIL's is because DH was in the Armed Forces and we moved around for 8 years, so would go and stay with MIL at Christmas to spend it with family.

We now have our own home in the same area as MIL and the rest of our family. I finally have the opportunity to do my own Christmas dinner this year so I'm taking it with both hands.

MIL is really really pissed off. She can't understand why we wouldn't want to spend it at hers. She seems really put out and confused. I have explained to her why but she isn't interested. She will still have her daughter (and her family) there for dinner. We have also said that we will still go and visit Christmas evening.

I now feel guilty and like I am doing something wrong.

So tell it to me straight, AIBU?

Oh dear. You need to stick to your guns or you'll never get your own Christmas dinner the way you want it.

Would it help her make sense of things if you discussed when started having Xmas independently of her own parents? For most people that comes rather later than adulthood starts, perhaps with marriage or children. She clearly hasn't recognised that you (more accurately DH) is at that stage!

Just noticed you have a ds. You can spin everything as being for him, if it makes you feel less guilty!

YANBU! You’ve had plenty of years with MIL. I agree with PP, stick to your guns or else you’ll be having Christmas dinner at MIL’s forever

YANBU. Not in the slightest.

I have sons, and I know that, when they have families of their own, they will not always come to us for Christmas - their own family will come first, as it should do. Maybe they will come to us, or go to the other set of parents, but even if I feel blue at not having them here, I will not say or do anything to tell them that, or to try to guilt them into changing their plans to suit me. It is part of being a parent - knowing how to let them go.

Can you invite them all to yours? I am sure they won't come, but might be worth a try?

It doesn't help that her Christmas dinner is awful. Really really awful.
We all agree and even suggested to her last year that we would cook for her but she flat out refuses. BIL tells her a lot that her dinner needs to improve, bless her.

Saying that though, I have always appreciated her doing us dinner each year. It's really kind of her. The time had just come where we want to do our own and actually enjoy it.

That's not fair of your mil, I hope your dh isn't entertaining her childish tantrum?
I always wonder how women who've reared their own families and presumably had their own demands from family/in-laws over the years can end up treating their adult children and spouses like this. Surely they can remember wanting to do their own thing?

We haven't got the space for them all. We have a small 4 seater dining table in the middle of the kitchen.

She wouldn't come anyway. She's too stubborn.

Went through this but with my mum when we had our eldest. When he was tiny we kept going for the dinner, but once he got to 3 or 4 we wanted to have our own day together.

TBH we always went to in laws chrimbo eve as Oh is from a big family so she would often have one of the others over for the day. But tbh they have a quiet day together now and enjoy the peace!!!

My sis is going to mums with her hubby as he lost his dad this year (our dad also died earlier in the year so will be glad to see the back of 2017) and she has no children. Mum came to us for dinner last year and we did offer again, but she wanted a quieter day this year tbh.

Having own day with the kids has always been great, go to family christmas eve or boxing day, but make special memories for you and your little family together. Best thing we ever did and after the first year they will stop moaning and just accept it as the norm.

My goose is already ordered on my Christmas list at the butcher, nom nom.

Nom nom?

Jesus!

I think MIL is being unreasonable. DH hasn't had Christmas with his mother in the twelve years we've been together. Might be longer actually we've been together since we were teens so it has been 11 with me and before that it was his dad's for a few years. Every year I offer and he's fine spending it with my family. MIL seems indifferent. This may all change when we have kids but I have already said, and he agrees, that MIL can't have first with grandchildren if she's never shown an interest before. She can have second though and alternate. Yes we plan ahead

No, of course YANBU. Your MIL has got into the habit of having you round, but it’s peftectly acceptable for you to want to have Christmas Day at home. At end you c go and isn’t on Boxing Day instead?

Damned auto correct.

*Could you suggest you go round on Boxing Day instead?

YANBU.

I've had the same thing with my MIL for the past three years when I finally said that I'd' like to spend Christmas day in our own house but we would spend Boxing Day at hers. She was shocked. Literally. And then became very offended. She bought everybody gifts but excluded me. She didn't' acknowledge I had given her a gift but told all and sundry that DH had given her a fabulous gift of x. It was news to DH who would barely scribble a card if left to his own devices. The following year she asked again and the one after that and it has already started this year.

She is so used to getting her own way and everybody doing things 'her' way and despite all her family being in their forties, they all seem to do what she orders them to do.

She will spend an hour on the phone asking for gift suggestions, I will give her some budget friendly suggestions and she will then tell me what she has already bought for the children and if they already have it, then she will give them the same toy again.

She is infuriating.

YANBU, my Mum conveniently forgot when my Bro moved out, started his own family in his own home that she, in her time had done the same for her children.

You want to build your Christmas memories in your own way, its special and very natural. Its just life moving on.

Stick to your guns. Do you just want it to be the three of you this year? That’s fine. My mother and her sister used to take it in turns hosting. My brother is aggressive to me and his wife has psychopathic tendencies. I’d love to do the same as my mother and sister but it’s not possible. We’ve started doing things with my cousin sometimes though. Dd likes a big Christmas. You are totally right to think about what kind of traditions you want to set up as a family and not be dictated by your mil. What about your parents/family?

She’ll get over it

YANBU. However I can see it from your MIL's side. In our family, to spend Christmas as just the small family unit (so myself, DH and DS) by choice would be seen as very strange to all (including us). Christmas is a time for family, and for us that includes extended family that we may only see a couple of times a year. We all pitch in with the costs and with the cooking. Usually we go to PILs, but this year we are in a bigger house so they are coming to us. In your position, we would go to MILs, because she has the space and you don't. I completely understand where you are coming from, I just understand your MILs confusion at you not wanting to spend it at her house (and therefore with her).

Shes being childish and unreasonable, crack on and dont pander to her whims. Theres nothing wrong with wanting Christmas dinner at home, its perfectly reasonable.
I'd say she can come over for a nice buffet/other meal, whatever over the xmas period.Alternatively you could take her out somewhere nice.

Do not feel bad! Even when I was a single parent I spent Christmas day alone with the kids. I hate that they would get all these nice presents and then be made to leave them so we could go out so I stopped it.
I don't have a close family so it's never been an issue, we do get a few together on boxing day but by no means all of us. When I met DH he knew how I did Christmas and fortunately his family are much the same, a big catch up one day over the Christmas period but the actual day just them.

I think you should stick to your guns. For all of my relationship with ExH, some 20 years, my MIL managed to dominate Xmas and got her own way every time. I rarely got to see my own family, and I got virtually no time with my own kids that wasn’t dominated by her. I bitterly resent her for it. Now I am divorced, in no small part thanks to her, and revel in the fact she can’t muscle in on my time with my kids any more.

I agree that you shouldn't back down. Was she bidden to go to her mil's every single Christmas Day when her children were small? Probably not, so she has no business kicking off when you would like to spend one at home. She is not more important than everyone else and she doesn't get to call the shots.

I would remain firm but pleasant on this one. Acknowledge her disappointment but don't make it paramount. "I understand that you are disappointed but it's what we have chosen to do this year. It's no reflection on you but about us wanting to stay at home for once." Then no further discussion. You are allowed to make that choice and if she thinks you aren't, that's her issue. If she gets heavy-handed ask your dh to step in and stand up to his mum. He has a role to play in this as well, it's his mum so he should be actively involved in upholding your decision.