To not have Christmas Dinner at my MIL's this year?

[McBounty]

Genuine question. I didn't think I was BU at all, but I am now questioning myself.

Every year for the past 5 years, DH, our DS and I have had Christmas dinner at my MIL's. My SIL and her family also have dinner there with us too.

We decided this year to do our own little Christmas dinner because I've never had the opportunity to do so and I love cooking. The reason we've done so many years at my MIL's is because DH was in the Armed Forces and we moved around for 8 years, so would go and stay with MIL at Christmas to spend it with family.

We now have our own home in the same area as MIL and the rest of our family. I finally have the opportunity to do my own Christmas dinner this year so I'm taking it with both hands.

MIL is really really pissed off. She can't understand why we wouldn't want to spend it at hers. She seems really put out and confused. I have explained to her why but she isn't interested. She will still have her daughter (and her family) there for dinner. We have also said that we will still go and visit Christmas evening.

I now feel guilty and like I am doing something wrong.

So tell it to me straight, AIBU?

It's not really unnecessary if you use up all the leftovers. What a cat's-bum post.

It's not really unnecessary if you use up all the leftovers. What a cat's-bum post.

Jeez how dare someone think differently to you hey?

Witches - It's a matter of being a host. If you have guests, it's polite to put out enough food to fill them up, and to be able to offer seconds that are refused. If you don't do this, it's a bit shit and you're not being a good host.

Witches - It's a matter of being a host. If you have guests, it's polite to put out enough food to fill them up, and to be able to offer seconds that are refused. If you don't do this, it's a bit shit and you're not being a good host.

Bit of a difference between providing enough food to fill everyone and seconds and making so much that and 2-3 days food for everyone.

However each to their own.

No problems with my hosting thank you for your concern.

Another vote for YANBU/stick to your guns.

We've never (nor will we ever) spend Christmas with MIL. She complains every year that we don't go on the evening for Christmas tea (we live three towns away and don't drive, so I don't know how she expects us to get there when a taxi at triple time would be £130 each way!).

We spend Christmas morning in our own house, then alternate between eating dinner at DM's, or DM and siblings coming to us. We have MIL over and do another dinner between Christmas and New Year. We save DS's gifts from her so she gets to watch him open them. She moans a little, but it's a fair enough situation in our circumstances I think.

It's now or never OP. You will only be having the same conversation next or the year after. You could end up going there for ever more and then being really bitter that you never had Christmas with just you and your DC. Really your DH and your SIL should be stepping up now and alternating Christmas with your MIL if you want time alone too.

Please do not feel guilty OP, you didn't think you were being unreasonable, and you're not!
For the first time you have your own home, you enjoy cooking and you want to tackle the demands of the festive feast yourself!
Have fun and don't worry! MIL may be disappointed but surely, given the circumstances, she should understand. She's being selfish and she should be pleased to see you in the evening!

We always stayed at home when dd was very young and invited family to join us. Over the past 3 years or so due to various unavoidable circumstances this has not been possible and we have travelled (250+ miles) to see family members on Christmas Day. I get around it by osrt of pretending in my head that Christmas Day is just another day with a family gathering and I plan a full on Christmas Day for the 3 of us when we get back - including the full meal, properly set table, crackers, fires and candles lighting etc. We laze around eating a big brunch, drinking champagne, watch movies whilst waiting for dinner to cook. Then we get dressed up and eat at about 7pm. It is absolutely my favourite day of the year!

We had this the first Christmas we had bought our own house. Everyone on both sides of the family lived fairly close to us except MIL and DH had to work until 11am on Christmas morning so we invited her to come and stay with us. All hell broke loose about how we should get in the car and drive 300 miles to her house after DH finished on Christmas Day. Eventually she realised that we weren't going to do that and that SIL and her fiancee would prefer the short drive to ours and she came and stayed and we had a good Christmas - she just needed to realise that her children had moved on. Stick to your guns and hopefully your MIL will realise the same.

Yanbu

Neither my DP or I drive so going to see anyone on Christmas Day is way too expensive, taxi fares around £35 each way, so we've always see in laws Christmas Eve and my parents Boxing Day. Christmas Day to yourselves is bliss- go for it OP, you'll love it

stick to your plans my three grown up children each year i ask if they are coming over christmas day or boxing day, its an invite not a demand, this year my two sons and thier kids are coming over christmas day, and my daughter and her kids are swanning off to cape verde for a posh holiday abroad, its no odds to me if they come or not, if they do i cook a big dinner if they sadi no not coming this year i would book a dinner out somehwere locally for myself and my partner

Things just can't go on forever and ever in the same way.

Sometimes when children grow up they want to host their own christmas in their own way and the older members of the family can't go on being The Christmas Host until they're barely able to lift a saucepan. What happens then?

MIL would have at some stage in the past said to HER MIL - i'm doing xmas this year ok?

YANBU

We’re doing one more year this year of ‘sharing’ Christmas between my parents and the in-laws and from then on we’re going to stay at home unless we actually want to accept an invitation rather than just having our days decided for us.

Ive always found the first year of changing a routine is always the worst after that it’s no problem.
Stick with your plans this year and endure the grief. After that it will just be the norm.
Enjoy your Christmas 🎄

Just don’t understand mothers/mils like this.

I adore all of my children and dils and grandchildren and every year we tell them you welcome here but do your own thing by all means! And again they still come.

I think we should stop providing alcohol, food and spare bedrooms

Op just tell her you are having your own Christmas and do it.

After the first year it isn’t a problem

You obviously haven’t met my MIL.!

It is getting increasingly worse every year as she has roped in her unmarried daughter to question our absence who looks equally taken aback and makes all sorts of ‘ahs and umm noises. I can barely contain myself from retorting she only goes there herself as she doesn’t have anywhere else to go and us being there probably makes that less obvious. Unmarried SIL also tries to guilt me into going by gushing how much it means to MIL and FIL to have GC there.!

I dont know what level of stupid it takes for any DM or MIL to think that they are entitled to have the family over every single Christmas without a thought for any other family members.
My late MIL used to try to demand that we came every Christmas. I stuck to my view of turn about with my parents/family. The more MIL pushed the more I refused to do as she told me. She pushed so hard that she ended up never having any of us for Christmas or any visits at all for many years till the end of her life.
Years later my DD1 has never seen fit to say she and the DCs are seeing her family so we dont bother even considering asking. We tried a few times to call or ask them over for presents for the DCs and DGCs but still it is never out turn. We accept it and dont ever ask now. Of course this has reduced our wish to include this branch of the family so very little communication takes place now.
Why cant people understand fair play?