To not have Christmas Dinner at my MIL's this year?

[McBounty]

Genuine question. I didn't think I was BU at all, but I am now questioning myself.

Every year for the past 5 years, DH, our DS and I have had Christmas dinner at my MIL's. My SIL and her family also have dinner there with us too.

We decided this year to do our own little Christmas dinner because I've never had the opportunity to do so and I love cooking. The reason we've done so many years at my MIL's is because DH was in the Armed Forces and we moved around for 8 years, so would go and stay with MIL at Christmas to spend it with family.

We now have our own home in the same area as MIL and the rest of our family. I finally have the opportunity to do my own Christmas dinner this year so I'm taking it with both hands.

MIL is really really pissed off. She can't understand why we wouldn't want to spend it at hers. She seems really put out and confused. I have explained to her why but she isn't interested. She will still have her daughter (and her family) there for dinner. We have also said that we will still go and visit Christmas evening.

I now feel guilty and like I am doing something wrong.

So tell it to me straight, AIBU?

We do a three year rota - year 1 both DDs and family to us, year 2 to their respective in laws and year 3 we go out for an Indian meal (sprout bhajis this year).

Should have said year 3 everyone does their own thing, and Dh and I will be having fabulous Indian restaurant Christmas lunch. Nom nom just for the earlier poster who was rude about OP saying nom nom 🤓

YANBU.

Ignore her and stick DH between you and her if she kicks off.

OR, you could have them round to yours anyway? Fitting people round a too-small table, or finding a creative way to seat people, can be quite fun; I have fond memories of childhood Christmases crammed into houses that didn't quite accommodate us all.

Last year I refused to leave the house I’m done with pleasing everyone else in Christmas.

Was best Christmas I ever had, so relaxed and enjoyed my dinner and kids loved it

YANBU, OP, you should cook your own Christmas meal for your own family unit if that's what you want to do. I understand your MIL being hurt, but it's not right that she's making you feel guilty about it. If you don't make a stand now, it could be a very long time before you get to cook your own Christmas meal.

I personally don't get why your MIL doesn't take you up on your offer to cook the meal. DM/MIL always come to us for Christmas and it works really well. (Except when DM takes over my kitchen but that's another thread.)

Yanbu in two counts. The first that you’ve spent many Christmas days at hers so you’d think she’d understand why you’d want one at home and secondly nobody should put up with terrible food on Christmas Day!

She wants to still be the mummy of everyone. The matriarch.

Stick to your guns. And definitely next time she makes a pointed remark:

'Just so I can understand the way your family does it, can you tell me what happened when DH was small? Did you all go to FIL's mum's then for Christmas all through his childhood?'

I'm betting she'll have to admit that they didn't, and she got to host Christmas for her own children in her own home!

'Oh ok. So can you explain how you got to do that through your own children's childhood Christmases, but I shouldn't expect to do that for MY children?'

I'm betting she'll have to admit that they didn't, and she got to host Christmas for her own children in her own home!

OK isn't offering to host though is she so it's not comparable.

I think a better thing to do would have been to host mil, considering you were happy to go to her for a lot of years when it suited you. Lack of space? Get a fold away table, I don't for one moment believe that as a reason not to.

And the comments about her cooking? Funny it was good enough for you all those years.

It'd not even about family, or mil insisting. Its about common courtesy.

Terrible cooking is a good enough reason on its own to stay home OP!

Even though my mother in law is long gone I still feel resentful that we had to go to their house every year for christmas.
This meant that as a family we never developed an annual thing for the celebrations in my own home. Now that my children are long gone, off around the world, the whole concept of christmas is just a hollow couple of days to get through.
We rarely put up decorations, only sometime have a tree.
I just feel that I should have been more assertive 33 years ago.
Stick to your guns and enjoy the time in your own home.

Terrible cooking is a good enough reason on its own to stay home OP!

OK didn't have an issue when they were staying at their house for years though. That seemed to suit her fine.

In our family Christmas plans are decided pretty much a year ahead. How about saying you’ll do it at yours next year? Then she has a whole year to get over it. And you get to look magnanimous as she ‘wins’ this year.

i don't know why anyone would want to spend christmas on there own when mine were young we always spent christmas day with friends now the children are married and live al over friend lives near 2 daughters who all spend christmas together , and it's just me and daughters family i really miss those christmas's we had when there was a lot of us

Yes, but suzy2b, can you not conceive of the fact that not everyone has the same opinion as you? People have different preferences and this attitude of "Well, this is what I like to do and so everyone else must think like me or they're wrong" is plainly nonsense.

It doesn't help that her Christmas dinner is awful. Really really awful.
We all agree and even suggested to her last year that we would cook for her but she flat out refuses. BIL tells her a lot that her dinner needs to improve, bless her.

I think this is unkind. My mum isn't a great cook, but she does her best. I would never say to her face that her dinner needs to improve. Your BIL sounds horrible

You see, we never actually went and stopped at MILs at Christmas all those years because we had nowhere else to go, it was just expected of us so it's what we did. I could have stopped with my own DM and she would have loved that. I didn't want to disappoint DH because he had worked hard and wanted to stay with his DM.

MIL knew this too. It wasn't a secret.

I think she has been quite lucky to have you all for the last 5 years in a row without alternating with your parents or SIL's DH's parents.

I think it is fair enough to insist on this. It is a shame you are not able to host everyone at yours, but even so you will see them on the day.

Up to you whether you do it every year or alternate. We decided we would like Christmas at home when DCs were prime Father Christmas age. Parents and PILs both live too far away to go just for the day, so it involves travelling there in advance and waking up there on Christmas day. I think it is nicer for the children to have the FC excitement at home in their own beds and also much easier for us logistically as otherwise we need to transport presents there and back (particually as there are flights involved with my parents).

We were able to invite everyone of join us, but this was not really realistic for my parents as they have commitments at home (an infirm elderly relative who would have no-one else to go to and can;t travel and a divorced brother who only sees his DC for part of the day and likes my mum to wait on him the rest of the day!). Becuase of that we have ended up alternating between our house (with PILs and sometimes DH's siblings coming to us) and my parents (generally with my siblings).
DC are older now and we more flexible. DC have even suggested going somewhere hot next Christmas, although Im not sure about that.

I dont recall my parents or PILs ever complaining when we told them we would be spending CHristmas at home. Just like I do not complain that my parents never come to us.

Don’t feel bad OP.

I know where some posters are coming from when they say that a great big noisy table is preferable. Coming from a house where Christmas was something to get through and a day like many others, I would like a busier Xmas day myself but with friends and banter and wine flowing freely. When we spent it at MILs, it might have been busier but it was forced, ill at ease and everything was her way. I could not top up my own glass of wine or put the kettle on to make a cup of tea. She had a say in everything. Even down to mixing my tea with some cold water because it would ‘taste better’. My tea! My tea!

So not having to rush the children into a car, drive to a house where it looked the part but underneath the surface everyone sat where they were told, discussed the topics given to us and listened to MIL repeat stories while simultaneously involve herself in every single conversation, is liberating and relaxing and comfortable.

These threads always make me feel a little sad. I agree with a pp who said that Christmas is all about everyone getting together! Children love a busy, happy atmosphere and lots of relatives to see.

Littlehenry - I really know what you mean! It's a form of control, isn't it? An "I know best" that says you can't even have a bloody cuppa your own way.

A shit Christmas dinner is miserable. The table should be groaning with delicious food - there should be far too much for anyone to eat, so that everything can be reheated for at least 2-3 days after! There should be all of the trimmings, and a positive mountain of delicious, crunchy hot roast potatoes. And people should be free and able to help themselves - none of this plating a miserable slice of something with 2 roast potatoes, half a parsnip and a carrot!!

When we were little we never ever went anywhere for Christmas. It was really important to my dm and df that we were had Christmas at home. But they cannot get it into their heads that I might want to recreate that with my own dc now I am grown and have children. It's strange that they cannot understand that we might want for ourselves what they wanted when they had a young family.

We started making our own little family Christmas tradition many years ago (pre-child days) upon being given some wise advice to do so. It caused offence the first year (with my family as it was “their year”) but since then we shake it up. We have alternately volunteered on Christmas Day, had it at ours with friends, flown to see my family, gone to DHs parents, but mainly had our own day at home, especially since DD. They are welcome to join us and In-laws normally do. Love my MIL but she is not a confident cook either and I tire of the apologies for the rubbish meal - so I get you on that front too. I enjoy cooking as well and like to host. This year it’s here with us & in-laws are all coming.

The table should be groaning with delicious food - there should be far too much for anyone to eat, so that everything can be reheated for at least 2-3 days after! There should be all of the trimmings, and a positive mountain of delicious, crunchy hot roast potatoes.

In your opinion.

Others would see that as greedy and unnecessary.

Everyone does things differently. That's the point.