To not have Christmas Dinner at my MIL's this year?

[McBounty]

Genuine question. I didn't think I was BU at all, but I am now questioning myself.

Every year for the past 5 years, DH, our DS and I have had Christmas dinner at my MIL's. My SIL and her family also have dinner there with us too.

We decided this year to do our own little Christmas dinner because I've never had the opportunity to do so and I love cooking. The reason we've done so many years at my MIL's is because DH was in the Armed Forces and we moved around for 8 years, so would go and stay with MIL at Christmas to spend it with family.

We now have our own home in the same area as MIL and the rest of our family. I finally have the opportunity to do my own Christmas dinner this year so I'm taking it with both hands.

MIL is really really pissed off. She can't understand why we wouldn't want to spend it at hers. She seems really put out and confused. I have explained to her why but she isn't interested. She will still have her daughter (and her family) there for dinner. We have also said that we will still go and visit Christmas evening.

I now feel guilty and like I am doing something wrong.

So tell it to me straight, AIBU?

When the Dc came along I decided that we would be having Christmas at home from then on. I am happy for others to join us but I am not going anywhere.

I think she probably feels a bit out out that when you’ve ‘needed’ to, you have spent every year there, and now that you don’t need to, she feels that it’s not good enough anymore. If I had hosted someone for years, because family was important and they wanted to see me, to suddenly be told, meh, it’s important, but not as important as it was last year, we will see you in the evening, I’d probably be a bit miffed too to be honest, and feel a bit used. I understand why you want an immediate family Christmas, and whilst I don’t think that is unreasonable at all, I think you should alnowledge why your MIL (potentially) feels let down and a bit annoyed

Well I never understand these threads because to me Christmas means getting everyone together for a big noisy meal. So is be miffed too if I was your MIL. I wouldn't make a fuss but I'd be confused (and probably a bit hurt) as to why you'd want to do that if you all live in the same town. So Maybe she's just like me and really doesn't get it.

I think you should stick to your plans. I do see it slightly from your mil's side too though. To me Christmas is all about family and I live it. My family being me, my dh, and my children. It sounds like you are both just wanting Christmas with your family. I think it must be a hard adjustment sometimes for you to realise your children have families of their own and you are no longer part of the core unit. But that's something she needs to get her head around and isn't really your problem.

You are definitely not in the wrong here. Stick to your guns. We normally rotate every year so no one thinks it’s a given we are going to them or anyone coming to us. This year from the get go we are staying in ours on our own with our first baby.

Will see family before and after Christmas Day. Christmas is not just the one day it’s the lead up and afterwards.

Your mil is being selfish.

A big noisy meal is like my idea of hell
Christmas day for me is about us all staying in our pjs, huge roast and nice pressies just us and the kids.
We spend boxing day and the day after normally running around seeing people and that enough! I get all peopled out.

I see it from both sides but I’m with you on this one. It’s your right to have your own traditions and Christmas as a family.

Stick to your guns and don’t let them get you down.

Good luck for the dinner too. Both sets of parents can’t cook for toffee so we always end up feeling sick at the end of it

I think you should go to MIL, cook your own dinner on Boxing Day. It obviously means a lot to her.

Well said, TroubledTribble. 'Nom nom' isn't how I'd choose to express myself, but the posters on here who swoop in to make someone feel small over something they've said are getting very, very tiresome.

Billywilliam - but perhaps it means a lot to OP to cook Christmas dinner for her family for once. Why do MIL's wishes get automatic priority? Genuine question.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Do you get to spend Christmas with your mum sometimes?

We've had 25 years of this. A compromise is having a lovely dinner at home on boxing Day?

I have 2 babies now so Christmas will be at home with them. Any family that wants to come to us will be welcome but I want to start our own traditions.

The first year that you break free is always the hardest. We had masses of Harumpphing and digs and comments. The next year, not a murmur.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's for you to decide how and where your family has Christmas. At some point even your mother in law would have stopped having Christmas at her parents. She might be upset, but showing it in this way is just emotional blackmail.

Minerva
Yes I do. Not that I actually want to. She specifically does things and says things to upset me. Her treatment of me growing up is a large part of the reason as to why my brother and his wife treat me (and now dd) so abysmally. I’m the family scapegoat. He’s golden boy. I like spending it with my cousin and her dh because they accept me for who I am and believe my disability is real. I find Christmas very awkward because of the elephant in the room. I love it. I so wish things were different. But I can’t change their behaviour. Only mine. And dh and I have cowtowed to them for so long.

I'm guessing she could be feeling a bit used in that it seems you were quite happy to have Christmas with her when you didn't have a place but now you have your own place you don't want to see her.

Not saying she's right but that could be her thinking.

I would love to have both dd with me when they are older and their families and dc. That would be my ideal dream xmas, lots of people whom I love, but I know that may not happen.

If they didnt want to spend it with me, I would ask myself why and try and be honest! Am I inflexible, a pain in the arse? What? Is my cooking dire...am I RUDE to their partners? Do I buy too much or too little for the GC? Or maybe they would just want xmas in their own homes relaxing.

Kitsharrington but surely, as an adult, you know that everyone has their own thoughts n what makes a good day, and that people are not the same? So, why be confused or hurt that someone else isn't 'just like you" - that doesn't make sense either.

We have always done Christmas Day on our own - from the day dh and I moved into our own place, we spent Christmas jut the two of us, and then eventually, 15 years ago, with DD. When she was all I didn't want to have to drag her away from her new presents. We might times go out for a walk, esp if she had an 'outdoor; type gift but that was it. As she has gotten older things have changed a bit to fit in with that - we now see a friend for lunch time nibbles - our friends, and her friends too, so works for us all. And this year we are having our evening meal out too.

We see family on Christmas Eve - both sets of parents, and was two sets of grandparents (this year just one) and Boxing Day - in the last both sets of parents, and whichever siblings were around (none of us live in same towns/cities) and their families - though even that has changed this year.

Or maybe they would just want xmas in their own homes relaxing. Aweektotheseason - thats probably the only reason. It is in our case, and in the case of friends we know who do it too.

I agree you should definitely stick to your plans. With exp we always had to go to his parents then just call in on mine (no dcs) and I hated it his dm was very controlling just like him. Once I got out of that abusive relationship and was with now DH we spent the first year with our respective families, the second year we were engaged and expecting dd1 so had both families at our home which has continued and expanded into our current chaos which I love every year with the house bursting at the seams with all sorts of family and friends (normally I hate people but this is my exception)

Stick to your guns and untie those apron strings!!

We have a complicated rotation. Families live 300 miles away from each other, in opposite directions, and we are 300+ miles away from both!! We will see all families at some point every year, but for Xmas day:

• One year for DH's family, one year for my family, one year for ourselves

And then within that rotation

• One year where we host DH's family, one year where BIL hosts, one year where PIL host.

It means no-one has to do Xmas every year (or gets a monopoly on it) and there is plenty of variety. It is unpopular with PIL because they have a tiny family and therefore only get Xmas day with family once every 3 years. But it's the only way we can manage it fairly to the other families too, esp since there are Christmas Day birthdays on those sides too!

OP .
Have a lovely Christmas dinner in your own house!
Totally get what you are saying.

Mummyoflittledragon

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm also my siblings' scapegoat and I'm very LC with them. It's so true that you can't change their behaviour, I have accepted it now.

Old hand here after almost 30 years of this sort of thing.

My advice is to smile and say you’ve decided this is what you will be doing but looking forward to seeing them at x point. And for future reference, don’t get stuck in one routine for too many years. If you do things a little differently each year it makes it less of a shock when you make changes.

We are causing ructions this year by eating later than usual now dc are grown up. Why? Because we are hosting and it suits us.

YANBU. The thing is, when dc are very small, you don't mind so much going somewhere and "doing" Christmas in a way you'd rather not, but as they get older and more aware, you want to start doing things your way, creating your own little traditions, whatever they may be.

And maybe seeing your MIL overboiling the sprouts yet again and ignoring any culinary suggestions you might make becomes tiresome and wouldn't you rather just have a pleasant time with your own young family?

Christmases do evolve and your MIL will have to accept this at some point. At least she won't be on her own, she does have other family coming to hers. We HAVE to do something with MIL, although we don't actually want to because she's hard work. We would so much rather just have the day to ourselves but we can't actually leave her all alone all Christmas...

Don't feel guilty OP. You have made some concessions, it's only fair MIL should compromise too.