To feel sorry for some posters on AIBU?

[passemoilevin]

Even ones that have BU. They have hundreds of people scrambling to call them names, call their kids names etc. Not just a page, but 20 pages absolutely laying into them off the back of one silly post of a couple of hundred words.

I've been on the firing line, and it's made me feel absolutely shit, and I'd never post here again except in a lighthearted scenario even after a few wines (except this one clearly).--

I get that this is what AIBU is all about. And honesty is appreciated. But calling people cunts over the silliest stuff, saying they shouldn't be parents, saying they're not surprised nobody likes them etc when clearly the poster is vulnerable and down. What do people gain from that? I don't get it.

YABU because.. is easy enough to say. You are a stupid unreasonable cunt and I feel sorry for your poor children to have a mother like you is never acceptable IMO. Sometimes I feel desperately sorry for some posters on here, and feel others forget they are real people.

I got called a cunt once. Posters just put “anyone who thinks/does x is a cunt” straight after you have posted that you think/did that. It gets around the direct insults rule but it is also pretty clear what is meant

The fact that vile language is permitted gives certain people the wherewithal to be offensive for “fun”. Therein lies the root of the problem.

I think one thing that has shifted for me is that people are seeing it as a place of AUTOMATIC contradiction. People are finding the most convoluted - and ridiculous - ways of telling someone they are being unreasonable. For example, if someone starts a thread about a particular behaviour that is a bit selfish, people will pile in and point out the most weird and wonderful exceptions to the rule as if they were the norm. It's silly and frustrating, and the sign that common sense has gone out of the window.

I find it hard to believe that they would say or do remotely the same in face-to-face interactions, because it would come over as ridiculous, and in many cases, pathologically cruel.

I find it hard to believe that they would say or do remotely the same in face-to-face interactions
This point is made a lot - but people do things in cars they wouldn’t do in the post office queue - everywhere’s a bit different.

I'm being battered a bit at the moment on a thread I started. It's just the way MN is. I wouldn't post anything serious on here, I just use it as a place to vent and rant and, according to some posters, be smug :-)

And when you get fed up with reading bitchy comments about yourself on MN you can always head over to Reddit and get accused of being a troll.

Ah yes, the Reddit Mumsnet section is... interesting to say the least.

I agree that AIBU is not the place for seasoned debate but then I am of the opinion that if you have to use bad language and call fellow posters an obscene name you have lost your argument. AIBU should be the place of sensible adult debate not the home of illiterate bullies who cannot (or will not) follow a discussion in a reasonable manner, but sadly it is not.

zeezeek there's no need for any bitchy comments, why can't people debate or comment without resorting to those levels.

zeezeek there's no need for any bitchy comments, why can't people debate or comment without resorting to those levels.

That is a very good question.

When this had been discussed before I remember one poster summing it up by saying "someone does something different to how I would do it, I'd better do my nut "
Pretty much sums it up
I started a thread which was clearly lighthearted and meant in humour, most posters were great, but I also had "I pity your husband" "I would hate to work with you" and " you're so stupid" etc
Water off a ducks back to me, some people are determined to suck the joy and fun out of everything

Didn't you know you're supposed to put (lighthearted) in the title tccat? 😉

Mittens1969
zeezeek there's no need for any bitchy comments, why can't people debate or comment without resorting to those levels.
That is a very good question.

Yes it is. I think discussion would be improved if posters:
a) accept others have opinions which are not theirs
b) allow themselves and others to voice such opinions
c) to accept polite challenges gracefully and reply to them/support one's argument (and feel free to challenge back in a similarly polite manner)
d) to read the words in front of them, and reply to them, and not fabricated versions in their heads
e) to not seek out secret motivations behind other posters and waste so much time telling everyone about these paranoid conspiracy theories
f) to not assume and then firmly believe (in error) so so much about other posters, what their politics are, what their job is, that they must really hate x group of people, that they must really love y group of people etc - stop assuming loaded scenarios and just read the posts!
g) stick to the posts and just engage in polite discussion
h) any vulgar language, stalking, harassment or personal abuse is not permitted and MNHQ removes such posters.

I have noticed this a lot too.

I think people don't seem to engage their brains and realise that there is a real, sentient being behind each thread, who can be hurt and damaged by your remarks.

Increasingly I think you need rhino hide and a hard hat to post on here, particularly in AIBU as it can seem full of bullies.

Few of these bullies would say any such things to people in real life where they cannot hide behind their keyboards and the cloak of anonymity.

Hell, I have been told some corkers on here in my time. I have been told that I was an awful mother for not preparing separate meals for each member of my family during the evenings!! I have also been told that because DH and I are happily in a monogamous relationship that it must be mutually abusive and controlling. It is all bollocks and has to be taken with about a ton of salt.

I feel sorry for many posters, even those who sometimes were being unreasonable. Plenty may leave wishing they had never asked for advice.

I don't find verbal kickings amusing to watch. It is actually a form of abuse, much as some of those vulnerable posters may be experiencing from their partners or families.

Fair enough to tell someone you believe they are being unreasonable. Not fair enough to resort to spite and name calling. Sometimes it isn't so much what you are saying, as the way in which you are choosing to say it.

I think its hideous at times. I really wouldnt post anything particularly personal or sensitive on here. Sometimes its just a few people or one or two, but still it can be upsetting. I sometimes find it a little upsetting even when its not my thread

It is upsetting to read, it's beyond my understanding how someone can get kick out making a poster feel small or upset, also pointing out spelling mistakes etc is just ignorant in the extreme

Aibu can be (sometimes) really useful and give people go advice, but a lot of the time it's just the equivalent to two kids having a playground scrap and everyone stood around shouting "fight fight fight!" As shown by witty comments such as 'grabs popcorn' then everyone wades in on the OP.

That's good advice not go advice - stupid phone 🙄

I disagree. People don’t have to post their problems on the internet. I mostly see the same thing I’ve always seen: a wide range of advice being freely given and lots of mostly compassion and support. Yeah it can be blunt but not everyone has time to sit crafting perfectly balanced posts.

Do you actually believe what people post is true???

I'd rather take the chance that it was true or that someone is reading who is going though similar may find help

Balaboosteh It doesn't have to be a perfectly balanced well crafted post just a reasonable one.

I got called a cunt recently by a poster who not only defended her use of that word but then went on to denigrate men as well.

I didn't bother reporting it - I thought it said more about that poster than "message deleted" ever could!

Ahhh, here you all are! This must be the thread for all the decent folk of MN. Thank fuck.