To find the whole concept of in-laws annoying

[munkynutts]

Is it just me?
Re your partner's family, in my case my boyfriend's.
I mean, they're okay and stuff and I go with the flow and chatter away with them at family stuff and get them thoughtful gifts and all the stuff you're supposed to.

But it just feels annoying - they're a close-knit family and they aren't people I would choose to be friends with even though they're nice enough. I dont want the pressure of hanging out with someone else's family and listening to in jokes and rambling anecdotes and reminiscing. I totally get those are all valuable things, but why do I have to be a part of it?

Doesn't it seem weird when you think about it, that you choose to go out witj someone and then are kind of expected to blend with their family? I mean nice, but still, weird?

Grandparents who are inlaws to at least one parent can be an important part of a child's upbringing. So although some are unpleasant people we should not tar all with the same brush.

I don't find it in any way weird!

I don’t find it weird tbh.

What’s unreasonable about being expected to blend in with a partners family? Then I’ve been with dh so long we don’t really see it as his family and mine it’s just all our family

I feel exactly the same at the boyfriend stage: I don't want to meet your family thanks. It's you i want to shag for hours socialise with, not your mum!

At the 'partner' stage i suppose i have to meet them. Smile and nod. Give out a good impression.

At the husband stage there's no choice. You're in up to the eyeballs and it's sunday lunches and listening to the anecdotes over and over

Its a bit different when you have children as they are your children's family, they aren't their inlaws.

but I do sometimes wonder why DH and the kids cant just go without me. I like my inlaws but I am a spare part.

I think when you are early in a relationship, then yes they are not in-laws but your boy/girlfriends family and you don't get to choose them just like you don't choose your own family, so if you hate them you might be able to get away with minimal contact. But if you are in a serious committed relationship then the in-laws are part of the package, if they are abusive or disruptive to your relationship then you may feel it necessary to distance yourself, but if they are just a bit annoying or boring then you should really put a polite front on and be a grown up about it.

I don't think it's weird. Your boyfriend/ partner is a product of his upbringing and that took place because of his family and parents in particular. You must have something in common with them, since you both care for the same man.

Are you expecting that he would or should ignore his family? Would you be prepared to ignore yours.

This'll all come back and bite you on the bum!

@grasspigeons
Yeah thats exactly it, I mean for Christmas and stuff sure, lets all get together, but why do I need to be there for a family meal? Its not like they're really all that interested in my family's life or whatever, so really its just me "tinkly laughing" away at whatever anecdote is being told.
I think I find it difficult because my family is pretty bantery and will have weird conversations about lots of different things, whereas his its all a bit more silent and they talk about practical day to day things which i have nothing to do with. I have tried pushing discussions into more kind of open conversations but dont get anywhere. So its like - why do I need to be there if you're just going to sit around discussing little Tommys school fete or what the neighbour is doing about the bins?

I would actually be more concerned if my OH didn't want to spend time with his family together.

I agree with you OP and I am about 25 years in.

I also do all the expected things and am very welcoming and nice, buy lovely gifts and encourage the DC to treat their grandparents with love. But we have nothing in common, I can tell that they don't consider me "real" family, and I am secretly bored to tears whenever I see them.

Well just don't visit them, there is no Law that you have to have a meal with your boyfriend's family.

They probably don't like you much either, especially if you are trying to 'push discussions' into a different topic. . You sound as though you feel a little 'superior' to them?

What stage of the relationship are you at though OP? It matters. And how often are you being expected to go round there?

Personally i hate socialising with anyone apart from a select few, but you do have to suck it up a bit when it comes to your partners parents.

Munky the combination of threads you've posted this afternoon does make it seem a bit like you've recently landed from Mars.

@seagreengirl
Yeah!
And its the same in the other direction - clearly I love my boyfriend but hes very different from my family. I actually like spending time just with my family, alone. Same way I like spending time with my friends, alone.

I dont know if thats weird or not.

seagreen - yup. Me too.

@60sname

Well - its not the first time I've heard that one! Im just interested in a lot of things. I dont mean to sound superior, I dont feel superior at all, but im a curious person and I find it stifling just to talk about day to day stuff.

Im interested in why when you are in a relationship), everything has to be a united front - why do their friends and family have to become yours, and vice versa? Why cant you just each have your friends and family, and then come together to love each other?

I admit though - this thread, plus the marriage one, plus the can i eat raw cake batter, plus the trampy habits one - maybe I am destined to be a single woman

Of course it's fine to see your family without BF and vice versa, I've been married 30 years but don't drag my DH along every time I visit my parents, and he sees his family alone too. We do have joint visits but I completely understand that, particularly for my DH, spending lots of time with elderly ILs is not that much fun . Equally my DH and DB have holidayed together, without me, as they share a love for the same activity.

It’s really annoying when girls fall in love with our sons and think the sun and moon revolve around them.
His family is part of the reason he has grown to be the man you like.
If you don’t like his family do his mother a favour and move on.

Totally agree. 15 years in. We have nothing in common. Nothing. Conversation is stilted. We have hugely different world views sadly dh feels the same. We try and facilitate contact with their grandchildren but frankly they aren't interested. When is it acceptable to give up?

Dh mostly sees outlaws with dcs on their own.

Over time you become closer though usually? Especially once children are on the scene, then you've definitely got something in common.

fingers tightly crossed you're not my DSS's GF

We found the opposite weirdly enough. I found it baffling and frustrating that they weren't that interested in our dc (their only grandchildren). Eventually they emigrated as "nothing to keep us in England". Two sons and two tiny granddaughters weren't factored in it seems.

OP sorry I realise I didn't answer your post... My in-laws will never be the same as my own family but they are nice people, part of DS' family and obviously my DH loves them. So I enjoy spending time with them, and don't much begrudge the times when MIL tells the same story for the millionth time.