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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the whole concept of in-laws annoying

77 replies

munkynutts · 26/11/2017 17:46

Is it just me?
Re your partner's family, in my case my boyfriend's.
I mean, they're okay and stuff and I go with the flow and chatter away with them at family stuff and get them thoughtful gifts and all the stuff you're supposed to.

But it just feels annoying - they're a close-knit family and they aren't people I would choose to be friends with even though they're nice enough. I dont want the pressure of hanging out with someone else's family and listening to in jokes and rambling anecdotes and reminiscing. I totally get those are all valuable things, but why do I have to be a part of it?

Doesn't it seem weird when you think about it, that you choose to go out witj someone and then are kind of expected to blend with their family? I mean nice, but still, weird?

OP posts:
BanyanTree · 26/11/2017 18:24

Don't worry, it's not just you. There are loads of selfish, shallow girls like you around.

I would love to have a great relationship with my in-laws and be loved by them. It would make my life a lot easier and a lot richer.

PandaPieForTea · 26/11/2017 18:26

I have found the assumption that we come as a pair for all events (made by my extended family) quite odd. We spend all week working, so our weekend days are busy and precious. DH has other stuff to do rather than travelling to see my family and spending time at events with them. I’m not sure if we are the weird ones or my family are.

chestylarue52 · 26/11/2017 18:28

No, its not just you. Its a big part of the reason I don't want a traditional monogamous m/f relationship. I don't really have time for fitting into that specific role.

KERALA1 · 26/11/2017 18:30

Definitely have in law envy. Some friends and family have brilliant in laws. Am sure mine can't stand me that's made pretty clear. Can be quite amusing e.g. When mil described my job as "for pocket money". I don't do a paper round I'm a solicitor Hmm. She also thinks reading non fiction is a waste of time and all Eastern Europeans are thieves. She never smiles. It's just never going to happen for us...

peachgreen · 26/11/2017 18:33

I bloody love my in-laws. They're brilliant. My family are a bit of a pain but it would be a dealbreaker for me if DH didn't make an effort with them - they're a part of my life and therefore a part of his.

Vitalogy · 26/11/2017 18:33

This just seems the way society is now, it's disjointed.

Charolais · 26/11/2017 18:34

I’d pay close attention to his family if I was you because what you are getting is them - he is them.

I’ve been married to this latest husband of mine for 35 yrs and because we farm, in the early years I spent a lot of time around his ignorant father, working. I got to know this man very well because I was with him 5 - 6 days a week. His (divorced from his father) mother is the most annoying person I have ever met.

I had no idea years ago my husband was like them in so many ways. He was not only raised by them, he also has their genetics. As he ages he reminds me of both of them more and more. On the flip-side, I also understand my husband better, and feel sorry for him after getting to know the in-laws so well. Hopefully your in-laws are lovely people.

As far as his family goes; what you see is what you get.

HermionesRightHook · 26/11/2017 18:35

I like being close with my in laws, they're nice people. I love them all dearly. I don't think my DH feels the same way about my family, they're a bit harder work, but they're my family and because we're married, his too.

Like it or lump it, what you've described is how most people see family relationships in the social set up we have in this country. Best to find someone who agrees with you if you don't want that for yourself. As you can see from the thread there are people who agree with you.

You seem like you're questioning a lot of things at the moment OP. Curiosity is great - more people should examine the way we think and feel about things - but approaching it by looking at every status quo as a negative is getting you angry replies. Next time you have one of these questions why not ask it, rather than going on the attack towards things people really deeply value?

Original poster
munkynutts · 26/11/2017 18:40

@HermionesRightHook
"You seem like you're questioning a lot of things at the moment OP. Curiosity is great - more people should examine the way we think and feel about things - but approaching it by looking at every status quo as a negative is getting you angry replies. Next time you have one of these questions why not ask it, rather than going on the attack towards things people really deeply value?"

You know what Hermione, I'm actually going to do that. Maybe I'm approaching things too much in absolutes, black and white. This is good advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
user1484311384 · 26/11/2017 18:53

Maybe you need to fast forward twenty five years and think how you would feel if your adult sons in future have partners like you? Do you wish to be airbrushed out of your son's lives by some autocratic, blinkered, girl with zero emotional intelligence? Think about that one please and maybe start becoming a grown-up!

HermionesRightHook · 26/11/2017 18:59

You're welcome @Munkynuts. Hope it helps you think life through!

(Arcane, I know, but you might also like to try reading a bit of philosophy - that often deals with modes of thinking and how to approach big questions like these. There's probably one of those little A Very Short Introduction To... books on it if you're of a mind to dip into some.)

KeepServingTheDrinks · 26/11/2017 19:11

As others have said, it depends where and what stage you're at in your relationship.

Isn't the Oscar Wilde quote something like "women always turn into their mothers, that's their tragedy. Men don't, that's theirs" ?

What's your relationship like with your own family? Doesn't that have an impact?

Original poster
munkynutts · 26/11/2017 19:14

@HermionesRightHook
If you're at all interested in philosophy, I wouldn't mind you recommending a philosopher or text just off the cuff that you've enjoyed. Sometimes it's good tp start with something specific and work your way out, instead of the other way around (re intro philosophy books).

OP posts:
Canwechangeit · 26/11/2017 19:17

I'm with you OP - family is blood. Inlaws aren't family. Husband isn't family either. They are nice people and everything but we see them rarely as they live an hour away. That suits me perfectly. I'm not keeping my DH away from them, he's just not good at keeping in touch with them and I see no reason why it should be my duty just because we're married (I actively avoid all wifework).

BertrandRussell · 26/11/2017 19:23

I always say in threads like this that what you're aiming for is cordiality. Your in law's main relationship is with your dp and your children. If you have more than cordiality with them that's a huge bonus, but don't expect it, or be disappointed if it doesn't happen. I think people's expectations are often much too high.

GertrudeBelle · 26/11/2017 19:26

Two points:

  1. Many people stay close to their family and see a lot of them after marriage. If you don't join in, you'll spend a lot more time on your own. Most people want to be with their partner (on weekends etc) and what you are suggesting entails more separate lives.
  1. Your in-laws will be the blood relations of your children. Avoiding family gatherings means that you'll either be excluded from their interactions with your children, or your children will copy your behaviour and have distant relationships with their grandparents. Neither is a desirable outcome.
Moanyoldcow · 26/11/2017 19:28

I adore my in-laws - both are kind, caring, thoughtful and have welcomed me into their family.

I spend time alone with them and they adore their grandson and are supportive of me and my husband.

I frankly couldn't imagine my life without them.

Original poster
munkynutts · 26/11/2017 19:29

@BertrandRussell
You're right and as you see from my OP thats exactly what I'm aiming for.
But as things currently stand I feel like my in laws want me to be present and to integrate their family but they dont necessarily want to really KNOW me. For example i know a lot about their experiences as a family and as individuals but they dont know about me.
Ive asked them round to mine for coffee and his sister one on one out to dinner or for drinks, I've suggested going to the museum with his mum (there was something cool happening there last week) but theyre not interested.

They're very focused on their home so they just want me to go around there to the family homestead and sit there prettily, and Im not on board with that.

Im on board with building individual relationships with them and becominf close like friends, but Im not on board with just becoming a smiling faceless potential uterus for their brother/son/etc.

Do you see what i mean?

I mean I say im not on board - obviously I am because I suck it up and do it, im just having a rant!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
munkynutts · 26/11/2017 19:30

BTW Im derailing my own thread to ask: does anyone remember a thread about an academic who was struggling with her relationship with her husband (also an academic). I believe her name was Shirley. She popped into my head and I cant remember the thread.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 26/11/2017 19:40

Wanting them to "KNOW" you is going beyond the cordiality thing. You're wanting them to be friends. Why would that happen-you're different generations, have no shared experience........

Just visit when you think you should or when you want to. Be polite, chat......don't expect anything more from them.

ferntwist · 26/11/2017 19:49

YABU. In-laws can be some of your best allies. I love my husband and by extension respect and care for his parents.

Yours aren’t your in-laws anyway because you aren’t married.

chiaseeddisapointmentagain · 26/11/2017 19:51

I don't bother with in laws bar pleasantries.
They're his family, not mine. I have a family, I don't need another thanks.

MomToWedThorFriday · 26/11/2017 19:51

Do you come from a small family OP? Only child? I ask because I totally see what you mean - I’m an only child with a very small family and I find the constant family contact a bit odd.

Originalfoogirl · 26/11/2017 19:52

My brother had a girlfriend, who became his wife, who felt the same as you. Her family weren’t that close, our family are, she made zero effort to get to know any of us. We would visit, she would make us feel really unwelcome. My parents were really hurt by it.

They divorced after a couple of years.

His fiancée now comes from the same close family. She’s been with him way longer and unlike in his first relationship, when he complains about stuff she has done, we are far more likely to stick up for her.

Ropsleybunny · 26/11/2017 19:56

What an utterly weird thread. Families are made up of people who aren't related by blood to each other. In my family, we all make an effort to get on and we are nice to each other.