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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the whole concept of in-laws annoying

77 replies

munkynutts · 26/11/2017 17:46

Is it just me?
Re your partner's family, in my case my boyfriend's.
I mean, they're okay and stuff and I go with the flow and chatter away with them at family stuff and get them thoughtful gifts and all the stuff you're supposed to.

But it just feels annoying - they're a close-knit family and they aren't people I would choose to be friends with even though they're nice enough. I dont want the pressure of hanging out with someone else's family and listening to in jokes and rambling anecdotes and reminiscing. I totally get those are all valuable things, but why do I have to be a part of it?

Doesn't it seem weird when you think about it, that you choose to go out witj someone and then are kind of expected to blend with their family? I mean nice, but still, weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
munkynutts · 26/11/2017 19:56

@MomToWedThorFriday
No, I really dont want to sound like a twat here but: I have 3 siblings and we are all close in that we tell each other everything and always have each others backs, but I guess you could call us all eccentrics in our own way.
All 4 of us, including parents, live in different places and have extremely different lives.
So its hard to explain but - we are like a group of best friends, rather than a traditional family. We would bail eah other out and spend hours on the phone helping the other through a crisis, but we dont physically see each other alp too often or have physical contact with each others lives.

Do you see what i mean? My parents for example are more like my dear friends if that makes sense.

OP posts:
SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 26/11/2017 20:13

Different families have different dynamics and it can be difficult to find yourself tacked onto a family with a different culture to yours.

I get on well with my ILs although I suspect distance affecting frequency of contact helps. I can get twitchy in birthday season when the get togethers cluster up. My family get on well but we're all quite independent and spread out. I would feel quite claustrophobic if I had a very close knit routined set of ILs. DB had a long term relationship that was affected by very rigid expectations of family and he couldn't conform to that.

We generally turn up as a family unit to our extended families. We don't every time though, and it's nice to have that space to be an individual without your partner/ spouse.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 26/11/2017 20:19

No OP totally off. I've met people like you in RL and I'd say the same! God knows how dp puts up with you!

DancesWithOtters · 26/11/2017 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ethylred · 26/11/2017 20:30

Every mother-in-law is a mother. Fact.
This forum could just as well be named mumsinlawnet.

BertrandRussell · 26/11/2017 20:31

"Yours aren’t your in-laws anyway because you aren’t married."

Sorry? What an incredibly daft thing to say. Dp and I have been together 30 years. What is his mother tonne but a mother in law?

Originalfoogirl · 26/11/2017 20:31

So its hard to explain but - we are like a group of best friends, rather than a traditional family. We would bail eah other out and spend hours on the phone helping the other through a crisis, but we dont physically see each other alp too often or have physical contact with each others lives.

Sounds like a traditional family to me, just one that isn’t geographically close.

RafikiIsTheBest · 26/11/2017 20:33

I think I get what you mean, especially fairly early on. DP and I got together as teens, so we both still lived at home. I had my late teens and early 20s around his family home and he around mine, so you would think I'd of been fairly close, especially to his sister who is more or less my age. But no, I was a shy awkward teen who just wanted to hide in his room (or bed Wink ). But actually now I've grown a bit and have more confidence I'm pretty close to his DM, tell her more things than I tell my own, and have a good relationship with most of his family. Enough to be happy to share a car journey alone with them, which for me is a big thing.

HermionesRightHook · 26/11/2017 20:36

I actually do not know much philosophy @Munkynutts, I'm not too bothered by the big questions! But I have dabbled, because like you I am curious - I think one of the standard intros is Betrand Russell's History of Western Philosophy.

Not written by our Bertrand, obviously, but her namesake, and flawed in that it's a bit old now (sorry Bert but you have been dead a while) and doesn't cover non-western philosophical traditions.

MartysHere · 26/11/2017 20:46

I love how close knit we all are. I'm very family orientated and so is dh. We love each others families and spend every weekend with one or the other.

Aweektilltheseason · 27/11/2017 10:48

its a two way street op,
having to sit and listen to in jokes etc is fine if there is some interest back to you,

I mean of course I know these people due to DH but take mil and fil in isolation, i know all their siblings, their parents, their lives, their ins and outs, I even buy gifts for them!

Do they know after 14 years a single thing about me and mine????? The very very basics, they never ever ask me anything or take any interest in fact when DD once mentioned an aunt - MIL looks positively angry and shut the conversation down.

So - whilst its nice to be part of family life I find personally after 14 years having to sit there as a non person is hard. The thing for me though is, not only are these people I would never normally hand round with - neither would DH! He isnt keen on them either and he is not like them at all, which is why thy have massive issues!

Chattymummyhere · 27/11/2017 11:08

I don’t understand those real closeness of some families.

I can go months without talking to my brother but if we need each other we are always available. I don’t get all this constantly popping in and wanting to know what we had for dinner. Messaging about pointless crap constantly.

I’m quite happy not knowing that someone is having chicken for dinner and that the baby finally pooped. None of it is relavent to my life or something I need to know.

Original poster
munkynutts · 27/11/2017 11:10

@Aweektilltheseason

"Sit there as a non person"

Yup.

Exactly.

My MiL has asked me precisely two questions, on the first day we met:

  • How old are you?
  • When did you 2 meet?

Shes a nice woman but its this assumption that I just have to smile and laugh and really get involved with the family and come to know and love their little quirks whilst im just some kind of blank vessel with no past or history or individual preferences.

OP posts:
Original poster
munkynutts · 27/11/2017 11:13

@Chattymummyhere
Agree.
They were working a (small and shit tbf) outdoor event yesterday (family business) and afterwards I got loads of guilt tripping texts like "we were counting on you to be there 😢".

Like, why? You were working. It was Sunday and cold. The event was an unreliable bus ride away. With the greatest of respect - why would i do that with my Sunday?

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 27/11/2017 11:26

They aren't your inlaws if you aren't married. It's not "daft" it's fact.

BertrandRussell · 27/11/2017 12:14

"They aren't your inlaws if you aren't married. It's not "daft" it's fact."

So what are they then?

Mittens1969 · 27/11/2017 12:15

I've struggled with my relationship with my MIL, though I have a fairly good relationship with my BIL and SIL and their 5 children. (It's easier now we have DDs.)

The difficulty with my MIL is that she expected an ultra close relationship with me, like I should be the daughter she didn't have, and my SIL had never wanted that. She expected me to call her mum as well, which I didn't want as I had a mum already, thanks. She was actually a bit passive aggressive about it; she said to my DH in front of me, 'Your grandma would have been so upset if I'd called her (her name).'

It's been tricky. It's not that I resent going to see her or having her at our house. My DDs love her, and my DH worries about her. This is understandable as she's getting elderly and lives alone in a small village but won't move.

It's really that I just don't want a close relationship with her, as we are very different.
But I do love my DH and my DDs and they love my MIL. I don't want her to miss out on seeing her DS and DGDs so it's something I do out of obligation.

So I do get what you're saying, OP. But if your bf is close to his family, it's something that can't be avoided. It sounds like they're not all that nice to you from what you're saying so I understand why you find it difficult.

nearly250parkuns · 27/11/2017 13:01

She expected me to call her mum as well, which I didn't want as I had a mum already, thanks

I can identify with this - I've had the same - MIL writes Mum on things and I can't help thinking I have a mum already. We have a civil and distant relationship - zero in common though. I've actually been much closer to previous boyfriends' mothers but you don't marry someone because you like their mum!

I think MIL once commented to DH that I never called her mum and DH just said I still had a mum (her other two DILs don't). DH calls my mum by her first name.

BertrandRussell · 27/11/2017 13:25

"She expected me to call her mum as well, which I didn't want as I had a mum already, thanks"
That can be a cultural/generational thing....

KERALA1 · 27/11/2017 13:32

They are your partner's parents. Legally they are no relationship to you. Outlaws?! You only get "in laws" when you get married.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 27/11/2017 13:39

I feel like you’re getting a hard time just because you’ve mentioned “in laws”, but in reality I don’t love my in laws or think of them as the same as my family. I like hanging out with BIL/SIL. I visit and have MIL visit only for DHs benefit. She’s okay, we just don’t gel all that well.

But I don’t mind him spending time with them on his own - I encourage it. I spend time with my family on my own. We also spend some shared time together, but it’s not exclusively all shared time.

I leave him to sort out presents and things for his family although I offer suggestions if I see something they’d like - just like he’d Occasionally suggest something my sister’s husband might love or dad might like.

I think the expectation that we are warm and polite to our partner’s family is spot on. I’d never want to come between his relationships with them. But the expectation that I am like a daughter to them (my MiL’s major issues stem from this) are ridiculous.

Mittens1969 · 27/11/2017 13:40

I agree, BertrandRussell, in previous generations, calling an older adult by their first name would have been considered very rude historically. Although it was never an issue for my DM, she expects everyone to call her by her first name! Grin

Mittens1969 · 27/11/2017 13:45

My MIL uses mum and dad interchangeably for her parents and her in-law, which is very confusing. So that's why my relationship with her has always been tricky. I don't allow people close to me quickly and she was all over me and gushing far too quickly.

LondonGirl83 · 27/11/2017 13:50

Yabu- it's not just not weird it's essential. When you marry someone you are becoming family. As a child I didn't even know which aunts and uncles were blood and which were through marriage etc because everyone becomes the same family

Bambamber · 27/11/2017 13:50

I am much closer to my in laws than I am my own family. I'm fact my MIL was there throughout my labour and there when I have birth.

I found it hard at first as I come from a troubled family so have never been family orientated, whereas my husband's family are all very close. But they have always been very welcoming and included me in everything. Now sometimes it's me that makes suggestions to go visit some of the in laws.

So I would think it's nice to make an effort with the in laws, as in time they may just surprise you. But I really don't think it's necessary, although would make it awkward If you have children together as you want to nurture your child's relationship with all their family.