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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping family members financially

78 replies

Hunhu · 26/11/2017 11:11

I was born in a poor country and moved here as a child. I am now in a high paying job and pay school fees for some of the children in my family back at home. I'd like to pay for the rest of the children and do more to help other members of my family, but my income doesn't quite stretch to that. My husband is very wealthy. So much so that my income - while high- is a tiny fraction of his.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to help support my family? I'm sure he would agree if I were to ask, but should I even ask? I really don't want to take advantage of his generosity.

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/11/2017 11:25

Well...how much are we talking about here? Thousands might be too much.

redexpat · 26/11/2017 11:30

I think you really have to think about how long this arrangement will last and what would happen if your circumstances changed.

TidyDancer · 26/11/2017 11:30

Yeah we need to know figures really. How much do you pay out already and how much more would this involve? And how much of your income percentage wise does it take?

haba · 26/11/2017 11:36

If it's usual in your culture, surely he would expect this before he married you? Didn't you both discuss it then (because wouldn't he notice your outgoings?)
It depends on whether you have children of your own, and what they need to be secure in the future (university fees, setting up home etc) and your arrangements for when you both no longer work.

munkynutts · 26/11/2017 11:42

This is a really tricky one.
It depends on quite a few things.
Firstly we need to know how much your husband earns, and how much you are looking for him to pay. Sorry if that is intrusive but honestly it is impossible for us to say without those details.

On one hand, its not your husbands problem. On the other hand, if your husband earned like £100k and you were asking him to pay like £1000, then why not.

It also depends on what you mean by poor and what the situation is like in your country.

If you mean for example a country like Bulgaria (poor by our standards but fine), I think your contribution can be offering a home to these children when they may want to come over to UK to work or study and that shpuld be enough.

If you mean poor as in somewhere war torn or famine stricken, your husband should naturally want to help.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 26/11/2017 12:11

Way more information needed here, how much your dh earns, how much you currently pay to family and what family they are?

Do you have children yourselves and if not do you intend to? Has he met these people? Is he from the same culture as you?

Original poster
Hunhu · 26/11/2017 12:12

Well...how much are we talking about here? Thousands might be too much.

It would be thousands. I currently pay thousands and it's over half of my disposable income. I'm only able to do this because he covers all of the bills/essentials though, which is why I'm not sure if I should ask.

It depends on whether you have children of your own, and what they need to be secure in the future (university fees, setting up home etc) and your arrangements for when you both no longer work.

We don't have children yet but hope to in a few years.

On one hand, its not your husbands problem. On the other hand, if your husband earned like £100k and you were asking him to pay like £1000, then why not.

He earns more than 100k but it would be around 1% of his income like in your example.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 26/11/2017 12:13

I don't think your unreasonable to have a discussion about it but be prepared for him to say no. Also if I was yoir partner id want to set specific limits - like x amount for so many years

munkynutts · 26/11/2017 12:17

@Hunhu

I might say no if I were him.

You want me to pay thousands.
You spend half your income on this.
You dont help me with essentials and bills.

I think I would say no, thats enough now.

Appuskidu · 26/11/2017 12:19

Who are the children you are paying for? How old are they? Will there be more of them in future, for example-if it’s your nieces and nephews-are there three of them now, but in 5 years there could be 10?

How much are school fees for one child per month? Can you afford to pay this forall of the children even if you give up work to have your own children? What’s the alternative for these children-what schooling would they have if you didn’t pay? What happened if you lost your job or if your DH lost his? Will you be paying for the university education for these children as well?

If the current arrangement is taking half of your wages, I would think very carefully. If you have your own children-will you have to continue working to send this much money home, or will you rather be at home with your baby? Who would cover the payments then?

Lots of questions there!

Original poster
Hunhu · 26/11/2017 12:26

If you mean for example a country like Bulgaria (poor by our standards but fine), I think your contribution can be offering a home to these children when they may want to come over to UK to work or study and that shpuld be enough.

If you mean poor as in somewhere war torn or famine stricken, your husband should naturally want to help.

It's not war torn but definitely closer to the second.

Way more information needed here, how much your dh earns, how much you currently pay to family and what family they are?

My first cousins and my nieces and nephews (first cousins' children).

Do you have children yourselves and if not do you intend to? Has he met these people? Is he from the same culture as you?

He's British so not from the same culture and he has met them a few times.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 26/11/2017 12:27

I don't know the right answer but just wanted to say I think you are lovely to do this.

Migraleve · 26/11/2017 12:29

Your husband already massively supports you in doing this.

Schlimbesserung · 26/11/2017 12:30

Is it a case of paying for a better education for them, or more that if no fees can be paid then they can't go to school at all?

bungle99 · 26/11/2017 12:31

OP
I think it's great that you are doing this but I don't think it's fair to ask your DH to support them.
he is already supporting them indirectly by paying all of your bills.
Also if you are thinking of having children in the future, you don't want to be in a position where you are giving so much financial support that you have to stop some of it once you have children. Speaking from past experience, family relationships can sour once support has been withdrawn (they seem to forget very quickly how much has been given in the past and only focus on the fact that it is no longer being given).

munkynutts · 26/11/2017 12:33

OK I've really thought about this OP. Me as your partner, no, I would not contribute. However I would support you by paying the bills and for treats, knowing that this is what you're doing.

Good luck!

Biker47 · 26/11/2017 12:35

I'd say no if it were me, especially if I was already paying all the bills. When you marry someone you sign up to support the family you make, not your partners extended family of 2nd cousins.

EssentialHummus · 26/11/2017 12:35

Totally fine to have that discussion with him, but a discussion with the family members in question is needed too - what happens when you have children and (likely) take a financial hit in consequence? And what about currently unborn children in your wider family? And what are your outgoings like? Salary/earnings are almost irrelevant unless we know whether you're spending every penny on "lifestyle" or squirreling it all away.

Anyway - it's great what you're doing. Flowers

Angrybird345 · 26/11/2017 12:37

You need to give your future kids the same opportunities, which may not be possible.

MatildaTheCat · 26/11/2017 12:40

I would be cautious. Is there any chance that more family members will be born or come forward wanting help? How can you ensure they spend the money on education rather than something you may feel less happy about?

If and when you have dc of your own then will you be able to sustain the help you currently give? You will always be viewed as extremely wealthy by your family but may feel differently when faced with the cost of caring for and educating your own dc.

You see, there are so many potential pitfalls. I leant a largish sum to my brother and his wife when they moved into a really rundown house and were broke and expecting their third child. It was supposed to cover a new kitchen, bathrooms and windows if carefully spent and brother did quite a bit of the work. Suffice to say they only did the kitchen and brother wasn’t allowed to do muc diy as it impacted on family time. I will be honest, I was resentful especially when they went on holiday...

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/11/2017 12:43

Angry it's fair to assume that as OP comes "from a poor country" that school fees are usual there and are not even remotely comparible to UK school fees.

In developing countries, most schools charge a fee but this is nothing LIKE a private school in the Western World.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/11/2017 12:46

I currently pay thousands and it's over half of my disposable income. I'm only able to do this because he covers all of the bills/essentials though

In these circumstances, where he's already doing a lot to enable your support, I really wouldn't ask for any more

Helping out is lovely, but I'd also worry about them seeing you as a bottomless pit. What happens if yet more children are born who need support ... or if medical bills arrive ... or if housing help is needed ... or any number of other things?

It might be wise to consider what your bottom line is on financial help, before this starts to get out of control

Imbroglio · 26/11/2017 12:47

I think what you are doing is lovely but I also think you need to set a limit on which children and how many children you will support and for how long. Cousins and cousins children could end up being a lot of people...

Maybe your husband might be willing to help with something else, like home improvements, that benefits a whole family without creating a huge open-ended commitment?

bridgetreilly · 26/11/2017 12:52

Like so often, the only possible answer is to have a conversation with him about it like grown ups.

W8what · 26/11/2017 12:53

Honestly my family did this, same sort of thing as you. All we got was demands for more and more. They stopped calling when the situation changed and there wasn’t any more money on the table. I think if it is for a specific thing like school fees which enable them to then in the future fund themselves do it, but agree what it is and how long for. It should not be at a cost to your own family. But its unfair to put it on your husband. If its your parents i think its fair to expect your DH to sign up but apart from immediate family it may be asking a bit too much.

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