Helping family members financially

[Hunhu]

I was born in a poor country and moved here as a child. I am now in a high paying job and pay school fees for some of the children in my family back at home. I'd like to pay for the rest of the children and do more to help other members of my family, but my income doesn't quite stretch to that. My husband is very wealthy. So much so that my income - while high- is a tiny fraction of his.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to help support my family? I'm sure he would agree if I were to ask, but should I even ask? I really don't want to take advantage of his generosity.

We don't really talk about finances. He knows I send money to my family but he doesn't know how much and he's never asked. I don't think he's resentful of our current set up

Not my place to decide of course, but isn''t that perhaps a little unfair to him, especially when he's the one enabling you to do this at all?

I wouldn't overburden yourself with guilt about your relative lifestyles, given what you're already doing, as there'll always be some international imbalance; besides, doesn't too much guilt open up the possibility of you being exploited in future?

In your position, though, I'd certainly be a lot more open with your DH about the extent of what you're doing with the family finances; for me, just assuming that he wouldn't mind seems very risky

if I was in your husbands shoes I would seriously be concerned I was seen as nothing more than a cash cow and maybe wondering if I wanted to stay in such a relationship

A little harsh, perhaps, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't wondered the same thing

It's also why I'd advocate much more openness with the DH about where the family money's going. If he really doesn't mind then that's wonderful ... but if he does, some decisions might need to be made if OP wants stability in her own future as well as that of her relations

It is lovely of you to do it. A lot of immigrants face pressure to do the same. If I were your husband, though, I would want to know how much you are currently sending and would think it too high (thousands already). He comes from an individualistic culture (as I do - the UK) and I doubt he would be happy at how much you are currently sending, let alone be asked to send more.

My Dad came from a developing country and together with and his brother and sister who had also emigrated*, helped to support family members back home who all lived in the family home ( their mother, siblings with their families, and other hangers-on).

As well as regular contributions my Dad would be asked to send large sums to cover big bills. One year he was asked to send money to pay an insurance bill, but when my Grandmother’s house accidentally burnt down later that year it turned out that the insurance money had been pocketed and the house wasn’t insured. Dad and his emigre siblings had to cash in their life insurance policies and savings to rehouse everyone.

It is generous and kind of you to help out your family at home OP, but bear in mind that the recipients will have expectations that the money will increasingly keep flowing their way (would you be surprised to learn that a recipient was upset that their handout stopped after 50+ years as the payer died) and other more distantly related folk will no doubt expect handouts as well.

Your OH would be a true saint not to be at all resentful.

*Ironically they emigrated because of how they were treated by the family!

I think that perhaps then it's time to sit down with your DH and be very honest about how much you earn each month and how much you are sending 'home'. It could be your DH has just assumed you have large savings/pension pot and will be surprised.

Talk about what you want to achieve as a couple over the next 10 years or so, career changes, starting a family, house moves, when does he plan to retire? Does he expect you to have your own pension savings?

And then think long term what you might like, might you want to be a SAHM when you have DCs? Would it be possible to continue to work long hours if you have DCs, or would you like/need to cut back? If so, where would that leave you with a family finance commitment?

Hang on, you mentioned he earns "over £100,000 a year" and that you're on just a tenth of his money ... but that you work an average of 70 hours a week

Unless he earns massively over that £100,000, doesn't that work out at a very low hourly rate for a job you actually described as highly paid?

@Puzzledandpissedoff
I said "say for example he earned 100k" and she said "its more than that" so it would well be hugely more iyswim.

Your husband is already supporting by supporting you.

How stable are your own finances? Do you own outright and have plenty of savings? I would be worried that should your own circumstances change, you have jeapirdised your own financial stability. Also if you have children you will presumably want to pay their education which you may need to factor. I’m presuming you alone currently couldn’t cover this?

As pps have said it’s a wonderful thing you are doing but be careful you are not just seen as a bottomless pit.

You're right, @munkynutts, that's entirely possible

As I said, it may well be that he honestly won't mind - or as Cantspell mentioned, perhaps he'll start to wonder what exactly is going on. Either way, I'd personally want to discuss it fully with him, just out of respect if nothing else

I think it’s great that you’re doing this - what’s not great is that you aren’t paying your way within the relationship. If you had this left over AFTER you’d paid bills etc, fine. But he’s already subsidising your generosity and that isn’t fair.

I really wouldn't even ask. The issue is you've set up an expectation that you'll support the education of the children you're already supporting - what happens once you stop working a 65-70 hour week because you are on maternity leave, I doubt you'll go back to those hours when you have small children.

As pp have said, once your own children come along you will want to prioritise them which could mean school fees, expensive hobbies, tutors etc. You will not feel as if you have nearly as much disposable income once kids come along.

Don't expand your obligations to extended family, you may not even be able to sustain what you send them now. The fact that your dh doesn't know how much you send at the moment may mean in the future you have to reign it in.

I was in your husband's shoes when I was still married, and I used to say yes to each and every request to sponsor this medical bill and that home repair, etc.

I really wouldn't ever do this anymore! What started as trying to help here or there eventually ended up with them demanding I pay for holidays and getting upset that I wouldn't buy upmarket brand makeup for every woman in the extended family.

When I did start saying no eventually, I was never the woman who'd paid for their father's medical treatment but only ever the stingy bitch who wouldn't buy Samir a car as a wedding gift.

It made me feel really resentful towards ILs, actually, and also towards my husband who wouldn't stand up for me and pass on every ridiculous request unfiltered and put every 'no' on me alone.

You’re already doing it. That’s enough.You need to realise that you might want to have your own children in future and if the ‘help’ stop, people don’t understand. You should be decreasing the amount you send home rather than increase ie getting you H to chip in. I am writing this through my own experience. I used to help out then I had my own dc it all had to stop as I have childcare etc to pay for and save for my child’s future. People didn’t understand and still wanted the ‘help’. I had to stop as can’t do it forever. Ended up falling out with some people. They don’t appreciate they only start feeling entitled. If I were you I wouldn’t involve your husband.

I think you need to sit and have an honest discussion about it all with your husband - what happens if you have children and go on mat leave - is he happy to make up the difference? I think you need to be clear with your family how much you will pay for and under what situations it might stop - my friends parents are supporting family abroad and when they retired and their income dropped it caused huge issues as it had been expected that the support would just continue as it had been forever.

You say the people you support are cousins and their children. Do you have siblings? What happens when they have children and expect the same level of support? It will be most unfair if you don't support their children too.

Also, if you have given half your salary to them, what provision have you made for your own future?

You're leaving yourself very vulnerable if you were to separate. With no children in the marriage, there would be no obligation on your husband to provide for your future.

Your husband is already supporting by supporting you

FFS what happened to “family money”? Why is your DH “treating” you? You’re as entitled to his money as he is. That’s how marriage works.

With no children in the marriage, there would be no obligation on your husband to provide for your future

Well she’d get half of his assets to start with so assuming they’re not renting w/o savings whilst earning (i imagine well) in excess of £100k then she’s unlikely to be broke

But that money will go on somewhere to live....
I'm just suggesting to op that she needs to think about the future, that's all, whether or not she has children.

I have cousins in Serbia/Kosovo (depending on whose reading and what their political view is and other parts of what was Yugoslavia. I send money sometimes - one of my family had pneumonia and they couldn’t afford the IV antibiotics so I paid. However I certainly wouldn’t spend thousands, and I wouldn’t expect my partner too! Cultural or not it’s not really fair on your husband to expect him to subsidise your cousins by a) allowing you to not contribute to household bills and b) giving up his own money on top. If they were elderly parents or people needing healthcare I’d understand but you can’t expect your husband to pay for day to day life. In fact you need to discuss this before you have children I feel.

It seems OP hasn't been back in a while

Perhaps what everyone's saying isn't what she wanted to hear?

FFS what happened to “family money”? Why is your DH “treating” you? You’re as entitled to his money as he is. That’s how marriage works.

So, is OP entitled to as much of his money as she wants?! To fund education for large number of extended family?!?

OP, what do you think will happen to the children you currently support when you have a baby of your own and dont want Work 70 hour weeks?!

Surely 'family money' is not and has never been meant to mean 'Person A's extended family (whom person B hardly knows) gets to benefit from person B's labour and B has absolutely no say in it?'

You marry a person, surely, not whichever relatives they happen to have. This might not be true for India or the Middle East in some cases but certainly stands as a default for anyone getting married in the UK.