Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping family members financially

78 replies

Hunhu · 26/11/2017 11:11

I was born in a poor country and moved here as a child. I am now in a high paying job and pay school fees for some of the children in my family back at home. I'd like to pay for the rest of the children and do more to help other members of my family, but my income doesn't quite stretch to that. My husband is very wealthy. So much so that my income - while high- is a tiny fraction of his.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to help support my family? I'm sure he would agree if I were to ask, but should I even ask? I really don't want to take advantage of his generosity.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 26/11/2017 12:53

Would a fixed, lower financial contribution make a decent amount of help, OP?

I mean, how near to able are they to being able to pay for themselves? If your husband understandably doesn't want to help an army of relatives to a high degree, would a one off boost to their income put them in a better position to support their children long term?

Also, what about his own relations?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/11/2017 12:56

Have a discussion with him. It may be possible to come up with a solution like a trust, so that your money (however much you jointly decide to use) goes further.

But you would not but at all unreasonable to ask and have this be something you both do, to a degree you are both comfortable with.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/11/2017 12:57

Also, can I ask what the context is on how the support started? Is this something you chose to offer, or did the request come from them?

And is the help just for the children or are you paying for adult needs too? From the perspective of very poor nationals you'll always been seen to have the riches of Croesus and I'm just wondering how far this might go ...

honeylulu · 26/11/2017 12:57

I think your husband is already helping your family by fully supporting you and freeing up your income. You are very kind though!
You say you will hopefully have your own children. Please don't underestimate how expensive this will be. Don't rule out the chance of redundancy or ill health affecting your it your husband's earning power. If you and your husband over-commit to members of your family now, this could be a difficult position to resile from later.

SmokeintheR00m · 26/11/2017 12:59

I think that you should work out your own finances first like accommodation, bills, savings, pension. Your husband is already supporting your wider family, because you are not paying some of the bills. If you want your own family, you will need money for this. However what you are doing is kind, but you need to be careful. What if you get made redundant or are ill or stop working?

nursy1 · 26/11/2017 13:00

Im agreeing with Hummus. I think the discussion is fine but you need to draw in the parents and, if appropriate, the children whose education you are contributing to. You should set a finite date when this support will end - at 18 for instance or will you go on to pay university fees? They should also perhaps be clear that if your circumstances change the payments could not be guaranteed to go on so parents should set aside money if they can to cover this if it were to happen.

I also agree with others that this is a great thing you are doing.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 26/11/2017 13:02

If you are thinking of having DC in the future, how sustainable is what you already give to that life change? Have you looked at childcare costs in relation to your wage? If you extend help further, would you state that this would be until the point you had DCs yourself?

If you are currently in the situation where you living the lifestyle of a 1 income household (as your DH covers everything), would he really be happy for you to go back to work after having DC, giving you all the disadvantages of a 2 income household (having to juggle childcare, sick days, fitting housework and family errends around weekends/evenings so having less 'family time' etc) but none of the upside of additional income and financial security.

If you do plan children in the future, or moving house, or if he is in a high stress job and might want to plan to retire early etc any conversation about taking on long term finanical committments in your home country does need to be fitted into this. You can't take on what might well be a 13+ years financial committment, without it being framed in what you both want to achieve in your lives.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/11/2017 13:03

Forgive all the questions, but it's just occurred to me that you've not mentioned your DH's views on this

Is he entirely happy with all the help he's supporting you to give, or do your doubts about asking him suggest he might feel otherwise?

Original poster
Hunhu · 26/11/2017 13:04

Also, can I ask what the context is on how the support started? Is this something you chose to offer, or did the request come from them?

I have an uncle over there who's quite successful but not super rich. When two of my cousins lost their parents, he supported them through school and paid for them to go to university in (let's say) Canada. They've now settled there and are working in professional jobs. I think what he did for them was amazing and before I even finished university I knew I wanted to help out in a similar way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunhu · 26/11/2017 13:06

Also, what about his own relations?

He comes from a wealthy family so this isn't an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunhu · 26/11/2017 13:10

Thank you for all of your replies by the way! They've given me a lot of food for thought.

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 26/11/2017 13:12

Do the cousins who now have settled overseas support family too? Is there a group of you between whom the financial burden is shared currently?

Iloveacurry · 26/11/2017 13:12

You also need to think if and when you have children, and you may not return to work or start having to pay for nursery fees. What would happen then. Would your husband then need to pick up the financial help to your family?

By the way it’s a lovely thing you’re doing.

DancesWithOtters · 26/11/2017 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 26/11/2017 13:18

He's already doing more than his share as he has to cover the bills as you want want to spend your money elsewhere.

As you have no children, if you want to pay the extra you could get a second job in the evening to cover the costs.

However once you have your own children he may no longer be happy in supporting others and may want to concentrate on his own children instead so you may start something you can't finish.

haba · 26/11/2017 13:29

I think you need to acknowledge that he is already supporting them, by covering all your expenses instead of you covering them!
When you say it's half your salary please tell me you mean net not gross?
You need to save for your family plans- children are v expensive, particularly if having them means you giving up your job and income and independence.
If you are both high earners, I assume your children will be educated in independent schools- that is a significant amount over 16 years per child, plus university afterwards.

TheClacksAreDown · 26/11/2017 13:37

I would be careful about not setting expectations of family members too high or allowing them to make choices that are dependant upon your continued support. If you do have children if your own, you are in ML, don’t return to work, go part time or just have childcare costs, this degree of generosity won’t be available from your personal purse.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/11/2017 13:58

As you have no children, if you want to pay the extra you could get a second job in the evening to cover the costs

Actually, that's a pretty good suggestion

Hunhu there's absolutely no obligation of course, but you answered the first part of my last post yet not the question about your DH's feelings on the situation ... ?

Appuskidu · 26/11/2017 14:09

Despite getting loads and loads of people bothering to take the time to reply, OP is choosing to answer a select few questions. That really pisses me off!

munkynutts · 26/11/2017 14:10

@Appuskidu
Me too.

Original poster
Hunhu · 26/11/2017 14:14

Forgive all the questions, but it's just occurred to me that you've not mentioned your DH's views on this

Is he entirely happy with all the help he's supporting you to give, or do your doubts about asking him suggest he might feel otherwise?

My income is less than a tenth of his so when we first got married he insisted on paying for everything. I didn't start sending so much money back home until a couple of years later as I felt extremely guilty living the lifestyle that I do while my family struggled to make ends meet.

We don't really talk about finances. He knows I send money to my family but he doesn't know how much and he's never asked. I don't think he's resentful of our current set up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunhu · 26/11/2017 14:20

As you have no children, if you want to pay the extra you could get a second job in the evening to cover the costs

I already work 65-75 hours per week.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 26/11/2017 14:24

I'd want want to set boundaries with family. So how many children would u be paying through private school, the cost of the schooling for their entire scool career. Then if affordable I would agree to pay the amount for schooling - probably just set up a direct payment to the school.

Cantspell2 · 26/11/2017 14:24

So you want to ask your husband to help pay for an unknown number of children to be educated to university level for an unknown number of years?

I think he already does more than enough by supporting you and if I was in your husbands shoes I would seriously be concerned I was seen as nothing more than a cash cow and maybe wondering if I wanted to stay in such a relationship.

ItsHuge · 26/11/2017 14:26

It's a really tricky question. We have a similar situation with my DHs family in the U.K. We are seen as the go to place toget money. We are much better off than the rest of his family and it seems mean not to share our good fortune but it still annoys me. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It's hard not to be judgemental sometimes. I think it's more clear cut in your case as a little money would go a long way and the desparity in wealth is going to be higher.
I do think that you need to be careful though. Can you pay the school fees directly?

I think paying half of your earnings is quite a lot.

Richer family members or employers paying school fees is not unusual in some countries (South Africa?)