About my friend?

[cherrynibs]

Name changed as this could be quite outing

Earlier this year my old boyfriend from university died in quite shocking circumstances. It made the news. We were still in touch, no hard feelings etc. After he died some of my friends who had been there made a point of phoning me, making sure I was sitting down etc. to give me the news. I was surprisingly upset and shocked and appreciated this.

A few days later, once it was in the papers, another close friend from our uni class texted me with a link to the news article and "OMG look xxxx has died" plus description of how it happened. I found this message pretty insensitive and replied saying "Yes I already know, the funeral will be on (date), but just to let you know- if I hadn't already heard I would have found your message pretty upsetting. Please don't send a message like that to any of the rest of our old class, you never know who you might upset after all"

She never replied.

This was a few months ago and I haven't heard from her since but the thing that started me thinking is my 30th. My DH organised a surprise party for me. She wasn't there. I found out later that she simply hadn't responded to his party invitation. She also didn't wish me happy birthday or anything. For context it was her 30th earlier in the year and I took her out for drinks and got her a bespoke piece of jewelry.

We would always usually have a christmas catch-up around this time of year and I'm not sure what to do. I feel sad that I have possibly lost this friendship, and am not sure if I was BU with what I sent her. If I was, how should I try and resolve things? When I open my messages the last one is that text that I sent her, and it feels a bit awkward - also reminds me of what she said and makes me a bit upset. Saying that, if I wasn't being unreasonable what do I do regardless!?

Sorry this has been so long and thanks for reading if you made it this far!

She has obviously taken offence about your reprimand or is embarrassed about her message -I doubt she meant to hurt you, just one of those terrible foot in mouth moments we all have at some point.
I would send her a message and ask if she is ok as you hadn't heard from her in a while. Leave the ball in her court.

I'd guess she didn't realise how upset you'd be and made an error
If judgement. I suppose it depends if you feel this was a one off or if she is always like this and you aren't bothered.
I assume you are if it's playing on your loins. It's a tough one but you have to go with how you feel if you never spoke to her again.
Good luck x

You obviously upset her and are only concerned about her now you are without a present.

Thanks for replying. I think you're right namechange - she can be a bit "foot in mouth" at times and I doubt she meant to upset me, but I did spend a bit of time composing a reply that wasn't the "are you fucking serious, how insensitive!" that I actually wanted to send.

She irritates my DH quite a lot and he thinks I should just leave it. But we have been friends since we were 18 and she is normally the kind of person who makes an effort and who I do have fun with.

Your reaction seems quite extreme tbh, he had presumably been an ex boyfriend for a long time if you are now married to someone else, you must have broken up for a reason and your friend obviously misjudged your reaction. If I heard that my boyfriend from 15 years ago had died, i would be sad for his family, but not sad for me if that makes sense?

mickey we wouldn't normally do christmas presents but do make a point of meeting up. The present thing was just an illustration of how close we'd been- we would normally go a month or two without seeing each other so not hearing from her for a few weeks wasn't surprising, but we've always made a point of actually meeting rather than texting back and forward. I'm not fussed that she didn't get me a present, but it would have been nice to see her at my party!

It sounds like her message sensationalized things, which in itself I would find insulting about anyone, let alone someone who used to be close. I find people assign roles in friendships and she's likely not used to you standing up to her. Well, tough shit! She did something wrong and she should have apologised. That she didn't and has been so immature since, ignoring you and so on, says more about her than it does about you.

I agree with the first reply from namechange.

If I'd have received your text when I was younger and less sure of myself then I may have felt it easier simply to drop contact with you rather than try and explain that it wasn't my intention to cause offense.

Cakes we were together for about three years at university, and part of the same group of friends after we broke up with no hard feelings. We were still friendly and my DH knew him too. It's the nature of the course (think law/medicine/nursing) that we all ended up working if not together then in proximity. He died in pretty horrific circumstances that would be shocking for anyone to hear, imo.

To be honest I’m a bit foot in mouth and could imagine I’d send a similar message as your friend but if I’d received that kind of response off you I’d have immediately replying saying god I’m sorry I didn’t realise it might be sensitive due to timings involved etc. You ok?

I certainly wouldn’t ignore a big party especially if that person had gone above and beyond for me.

just message her about something, and pretend the previous conversation didnt happen

Yes gobster if she'd said something like that I'd have said not to worry about it and moved on. To be honest she'd already upset me and I genuinely wanted to avoid her accidentally doing the same to any of our other old friends.

So should I just send a vague message perhaps asking what her christmas plans are rather than suggesting a catch up, and see what she says, so the ball is in her court?

If I'd received that message from you I certainly wouldn't be feeling benevolent towards you. I think you over-stepped the mark. How was she to know that you already knew? How do you know that others wouldn't have minded receiving it? It wasn't your place to say that. I don't blame her for the message either - she just expressed her shock in a different way.

I am speaking from experience - a close friend committed suicide the year after we left 6th form.

Her text was a bit bull in a hi a shop but not intended to hurt and it was by then in the papers.

I think your response was very rude and you have already said you thought about it first so what you wrote was what you intended.

You have lost a friend. Draw a line and move on.

If you are both Drs and nurses as you have implied I hope both of you are more mindful at work about the impact of what you say to others who may be going through a difficult time.

I am sorry about your old boyfriend.

I really hate the 'OMG Hun, look/guess who's died!!!!' brigade.

They're f'ing idiots and I wish they'd try and hide their 'excitement' a little better.
Forget her.

People are insensitive - my cousin lives in Australia as did my mum, I live in the UK - she sent me a Facebook message to tell me if I hadn’t already heard my mum had died (my mum not her mum!) - thankfully my brother had phoned and delivered the news in a more appropriate manner

People honestly don’t think sometimes - put it aside and move on, perhaps just tell her that if she replies to you

I don't know why people seem to be suggesting that it's your fault if she was upset by your message - it seems to me that you replied pretty graciously to a really crass message from her. If she is embarrassed then she should be.

However, I agree that if you want to stay in contact the best thing to do is to send a message that just doesn't mention the previous conversation - whatever else happens make sure that you don't end up apologising!

flumpybear your own mother? Via Facebook message??? You have to be kidding?

I found out my grandmother had died because my cousin had put up a tacky and maudlin 'memorial post' on Facebook, as her mother was ringing round to tell other people, including my mother. For some people a death is all about their own reactions and an opportunity to garner likes and sympathy.

Yes that was my point pandora - if I hadn't known then I would have been really upset to find out that way - in particular the quite graphic description of how he went. It was in her local paper (near where he lived) but not mine so not sure if I'd have found out from the news.

Margaret yes I think you're right - am just trying to figure out what to send her that doesn't seem too weird. Would it be odd to download whatsapp (I haven't used it but I know she does) so I can message her without the last message being glaring at the top of the screen? She hate speaking on the phone so ringing her isn't an option

I agree with your husband.

cherrynibs I suppose it all depends whether you really want to continue the friendship with someone who has basically been sulking with you after they acted insensitively

If you do, I’d just send a message saying we still doing a Christmas meet up this year? And then see what happens, wouldnt apologise and try to persuade them

flumpy that's awful I'm so sorry, people really can be insensitive!

I think she sent you a very insensitive message and you responded correctly. She could of upset you or someone else if you or they didn’t know. She should of apologised at the time but she didn’t. You pulled her up and she didn’t like it. I would just leave to be honest.