About my friend?

[cherrynibs]

Name changed as this could be quite outing

Earlier this year my old boyfriend from university died in quite shocking circumstances. It made the news. We were still in touch, no hard feelings etc. After he died some of my friends who had been there made a point of phoning me, making sure I was sitting down etc. to give me the news. I was surprisingly upset and shocked and appreciated this.

A few days later, once it was in the papers, another close friend from our uni class texted me with a link to the news article and "OMG look xxxx has died" plus description of how it happened. I found this message pretty insensitive and replied saying "Yes I already know, the funeral will be on (date), but just to let you know- if I hadn't already heard I would have found your message pretty upsetting. Please don't send a message like that to any of the rest of our old class, you never know who you might upset after all"

She never replied.

This was a few months ago and I haven't heard from her since but the thing that started me thinking is my 30th. My DH organised a surprise party for me. She wasn't there. I found out later that she simply hadn't responded to his party invitation. She also didn't wish me happy birthday or anything. For context it was her 30th earlier in the year and I took her out for drinks and got her a bespoke piece of jewelry.

We would always usually have a christmas catch-up around this time of year and I'm not sure what to do. I feel sad that I have possibly lost this friendship, and am not sure if I was BU with what I sent her. If I was, how should I try and resolve things? When I open my messages the last one is that text that I sent her, and it feels a bit awkward - also reminds me of what she said and makes me a bit upset. Saying that, if I wasn't being unreasonable what do I do regardless!?

Sorry this has been so long and thanks for reading if you made it this far!

For some people a death is all about their own reactions and an opportunity to garner likes and sympathy.

I agree.

I'm shocked too, mirri, but I guess these are other people who would show the level of grace and tact that OP's 'friend' did! To be honest I'd think it was a bit grim and tasteless to start a message about a celebrity's death with 'OMG', let alone a message about someone to whom the recipient was once very close.

I don't think the WhatsApp thing would be weird, OP. Or maybe an email? I understand the problem about it being the last message and the awkwardness of that.

I woudn't bother contacting her again... she sounds like she's decided this for you both anyway

She doesn't sound like she meant to upset you and probably thought you wouldn't have that big of a reaction about an ex boyfriend. Your message to her comes across as rude and I would apologise. You could say you've noticed you haven't heard from her and sorry if your message was a bit too blunt. Then leave the ball in her court.

I can't believe some of the replies here. You've done nothing wrong.
I think you put her straight, she knows it, and now feels a bit put out by it.
She was probably tripping over herself to be the first to tell you the news. I see people like this on social media, they seem to get some sort of kick from morbid things. For example, when a close friend died, a Facebook friend immediately made a post gushing about him- but he hardly knew him! Friend's family asked for it to be deleted as it was so upsetting and insensitive, not all of his relatives had even been informed at that point.
I find people like this extremely selfish and a bit ghoulish.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't think you did anything wrong either, but she was clearly either mortified to be told that she'd upset you, or offended that you told her that she'd upset you. Either way, she's made her feelings fairly clear - she doesn't want to contact you.

If I were in your shoes, I'd send her a message just wishing her a Merry Christmas and leave it at that. No mention of meeting up, or of presents, or anything else - leave the ball in her park.

People really need to think when using Facebook when people have died.

I remember an incident local to me where someone was walking past a scene where it became obvious someone they knew had died, police/ambulance there etc, this person then put on Facebook as a status an “OMG style message can’t believe so and so is dead” before the police even had a chance to inform the family, bloody disgusting

Either way, she's made her feelings fairly clear - she doesn't want to contact you.

Hmm, but she might think OP doesn't want to contact/hear from her - since it was a surprise party, it was her husband who invited her, not OP, so she may feel that OP doesn't want to see her.

Again, I don't feel a friendship with someone who would send a crass message so lacking in empathy like that (it doesn't sound like it contained the slightest thought for the guy who had actually died) and then sulk when called out on it is a great loss, but if OP does it might be worth reaching out, just once.

So shocked that your message is seen as rude by some. It was calmly assertive. Who would honestly send an OMG message about a death to someone who you knew was close to the person who died?

Given her sulks I’d be tempted to leave her but if you’re keen to remain friends then I think it’s fine to download WhatsApp and contact her that way. I honestly think the fact she’s avoided your party just because you dared to criticise her insensitive delivery, shows what a knobber she is though, and it sounds as though she’s made up her mind re. your ongoing friendship.

That's a good point about her maybe thinking I don't want to hear from her. I will download whatsapp so it's less awkward and do what pp said about a neutral message wishing her happy christmas rather than suggesting meeting up.
I do think she didn't mean to be upsetting but she is one of those people who likes to have all the news/gossip first

I think I would include the invitation to meet up - make it clear that you are fully extending an olive branch. If she doesn't take it, that's up to her.

I can stand people like that. My Dad died a few mi the ago. There were two relatives in particular who posted shit on Facebook the day he died. It was all about them and their grief. Mum hadn’t managed to get hold of everyone to tell them at that point. What if someone had seen it online before we’d had the chance to tell them.

Fucking vultures. It’s like they take a perverse pleasure out of other people’s grief.

Cherry, you did nothing wrong. Your friend should be embarrassed and realised she was totally at fault. Completely insensitive. You were right to pull her up on it.

That should rad months ago, not mi

*read.

I give up

Well if I received that reply from you I wouldn't be in a hurry to contact you either. I think you were rude to her so maybe she's waiting for you to apologise.

Spadequeen

The example you posted about Facebook is completely different to what OPs friend did. She sent OP a private message and it wasn't a family member either, it was a long ago ex-boyfriend.

In your situation, that's despicable but not in this case.

I know what you mean lemon, it is a different scenario, however cherry’s friend was implying that it was a juicy bit of gossip, rather than thinking that the news would be upsetting to people who were close to the man.

She sent OP a private message and it wasn't a family member either, it was a long ago ex-boyfriend.

Do you genuinely not think it's ghoulish and tasteless to send a message about any death that begins 'OMG' and includes graphic details of the death? Why would that ever be ok, regardless of the relationship between the person who died and the person receiving the messages? Someone's death isn't some kind of exciting and entertaining gossip, and treating it like it is says really awful things about the messager as a person.

MargaretCavendish

I honestly don't. I think OPs friend was just shocked. If it's some-one doing it publicly on Facebook, then yeah it's terrible. Maybe I'm wrong, just my opinion..I just feel for the friend in this situation, she probably felt awful when she received the OPs reply.

She was probably shocked too and didn't mean to upset you.
She can't lie about the circumstances can she?
HoAwever not replying to the birthday invite is cruel imo.

Do you want to share with us what happened?

Do you want to share with us what happened?

Jesus, so you want the ghoulish details too! How would that possibly add anything to the thread apart from satisfying your own morbid curiosity? No wonder you sympathise with OP's friend...

Lemonnaise I think we just fundamentally agree on what is respectful and appropriate - clearly OP is more like me, and her friend is more like you, and I guess for that reason I feel no sympathy at all for the friend but a lot for OP.

Not really @MargaretCavendish I just felt the op was alluding to her friend being much too gorey in her explanation and there would be a way of overcoming some of the trauma with it.
If you have ever had the misery of a traumatic event one of the methods that can be used is to run through an event over and over and over again until it evokes no emotion. It's usually combined with hand movements to connect opposing sides of the brain. This is called EMDR

If the OP could neutralise what happened in her mind then she can maybe recover her friendship with the lady who she has been hurt by.

But yea, ok I'm a gross, morbid, nosey fucker

I'd rather not share the circumstances as it could identify the poor man, other than to say it was pretty awful and one of my friends who was there at the time is now having counselling. Tbh a lot of us were unhappy that the local paper printed the details in as much depth as they did.
Although he was a "long ago boyfriend" we did later work together, went to each other's weddings etc. He was a friend these days.
I will have a think about what to say when I contact her. Thank you all for taking the time to reply though it has helped me figure out what to do next

Who was actually trying to give an opportunity for someone to share their troubles if they wanted to.

I've not demanded to be told for fuck sake.

Go tell someone else off on another thread and focus on helping this woman heal or go be a troll on a ridiculous AIBU thread

Tia