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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my friend?

105 replies

cherrynibs · 25/11/2017 12:32

Name changed as this could be quite outing

Earlier this year my old boyfriend from university died in quite shocking circumstances. It made the news. We were still in touch, no hard feelings etc. After he died some of my friends who had been there made a point of phoning me, making sure I was sitting down etc. to give me the news. I was surprisingly upset and shocked and appreciated this.

A few days later, once it was in the papers, another close friend from our uni class texted me with a link to the news article and "OMG look xxxx has died" plus description of how it happened. I found this message pretty insensitive and replied saying "Yes I already know, the funeral will be on (date), but just to let you know- if I hadn't already heard I would have found your message pretty upsetting. Please don't send a message like that to any of the rest of our old class, you never know who you might upset after all"

She never replied.

This was a few months ago and I haven't heard from her since but the thing that started me thinking is my 30th. My DH organised a surprise party for me. She wasn't there. I found out later that she simply hadn't responded to his party invitation. She also didn't wish me happy birthday or anything. For context it was her 30th earlier in the year and I took her out for drinks and got her a bespoke piece of jewelry.

We would always usually have a christmas catch-up around this time of year and I'm not sure what to do. I feel sad that I have possibly lost this friendship, and am not sure if I was BU with what I sent her. If I was, how should I try and resolve things? When I open my messages the last one is that text that I sent her, and it feels a bit awkward - also reminds me of what she said and makes me a bit upset. Saying that, if I wasn't being unreasonable what do I do regardless!?

Sorry this has been so long and thanks for reading if you made it this far!

OP posts:
Bedtimebunny · 25/11/2017 15:55

Thatich = that much

Venusflytwat · 25/11/2017 16:08

I think she’s pissed off you knew but hadn’t told her- presumably he was her friend too.

Sparkletastic · 25/11/2017 16:14

Whatever you do don't send the weird 'chicken pie' message.

Original poster
cherrynibs · 25/11/2017 17:16

Ok thanks for all the replies
Just to clarify- my friend and my friend who died weren't close. They knew each other at uni but hadn't kept in touch. My friendship with this friend was a bit separate as we didn't get to know each other well til the later years on placement together. I was still dating him at that time. She didn't go to the funeral and he hadn't been invited to her wedding etc although they lived near each other. He was much more of an "old acquaintance" to her I guess. Hopefully that makes sense. It's a good point re the party checked with my DH and she definitely was invited. He had also messaged her DH in case he had her number wrong and did apparently get a response from her DH saying it sounded nice and that he'd double check with friend and ask her to reply. Perhaps she didn't feel like she could turn up. Still trying to formulate what to say!

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/11/2017 17:22

Cherry, why not just send her a Christmas card, saying that you'd love to meet up in the New Year, and leave the ball in her court.
Personally, it sounds like this ship has sailed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/11/2017 17:24

Please don’t agonise over this. Keep it really simple. Something like “Missed you at my party. How’s it going?”

If you have to grovel to keep the friendship going, is it worth it and do you have the time/ head space. If she still doesn’t reply, you could then leave it or go for “I’m sorry you felt so upset by my message. I’d really like to be friends.”

And if she doesn’t, you need to put this down to experience. You didn’t do anything wrong.

MargaretCavendish · 25/11/2017 17:25

I would just go with something like: 'Hi x, how are you? Any plans for Christmas? Was just thinking it would be lovely to meet up sometime before then - do you have a free evening in early December?' or something like that, adjusted for a normal tone for however you 'usually' communicate (if you're normally a 'chicken pie' and lots of love-r, then do that!). I wouldn't mention the previous exchange at all - she might bring it up, but if she is still embarrassed about it give her the chance to gracefully sweep it to one side.

SilverySurfer · 25/11/2017 17:27

Her text may not have been the most appropriate but I think your response was an over-reaction and had I received it, I would not have attended your birthday party and would pull back from the friendship.

I'm really puzzled why, if you had been made aware of his death some days previously, that you had not let her know? I think the fact that you didn't may also exacerbate how she is currently feeling.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2017 17:35

Really silvery, so you would not apologise for your insensitive message and causing offense.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2017 17:38

You were totally right, what if you haven't known about it! Very inappropriate text from her giving details of his he died. Just a simple, did you know John Smith has died, wod have been enough, knowing your past with him.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 25/11/2017 17:41

Sounds like she was upset to hear it about it and didn't really need telling off for her text and that's why she's backed off from the friendship. She may have unintentionally upset you but you must have known your reply would be upsetting to her.

mirialis · 25/11/2017 17:52

my friend and my friend who died weren't close. They knew each other at uni but hadn't kept in touch. My friendship with this friend was a bit separate as we didn't get to know each other well til the later years on placement together. I was still dating him at that time. She didn't go to the funeral and he hadn't been invited to her wedding etc although they lived near each other. He was much more of an "old acquaintance" to her I guess

The thing is, it would still have been a huge shock to her to read in graphic detail about such an awful death of her "old acquaintance" in the newspaper and you did "slap her down" with your response. You were no doubt as gracious as you could possibly be under the circumstances, you were upset, it's ok that you said what you did in the way that you did, but you did basically call her an insensitive cow without even offering the tiniest acknowledgment that it was a shock for her or that she might have been upset too and it's not surprising that she has really kept her distance since. Maybe she's a bit pissed off, a bit hurt or a bit embarrassed - probably a combination of all of them. At some point there'll need to be a bit of a 'clearing of the air' over it if the friendship can truly continue - and if that can't be done gently and without drama then the friendship shouldn't continue. She was U in her message to you and you were a bit U in your response but given the circumstances of these messages, it's not surprising that people were being U! The whatsapp idea is a good one - if you want to try to see if the friendship has some life in it, then send her a message suggesting a catch up but if she's not responsive or makes a big drama out of it, then just cut your losses. As you've had to learn in the most tragic way of all... life is too short. Flowers

MargaretCavendish · 25/11/2017 17:54

If she really was in such terrible shock about the news, couldn't she have spoken to someone else - her DH, for example? It just seems completely obvious that if you're shaken by a death you don't go sending graphic messages about it to people who knew the person better, and so who will have been more affected by it, surely?

mirialis · 25/11/2017 18:03

Presumably her DH (do we even know she has one?!) wouldn't know the "old acquaintance" from uni - she got in touch with the friend that was most connected to him for her when she read about it in the newspaper. It was crass and U but of course it is shocking to read about a horrible death of an "old acquaintance" (who she probably would call an old friend rather than acquaintance and it's the OP who has made that categorisation) and she reacted thoughtlessly. I assume the OP knows her well enough to realise it wasn't a deliberate attempt to hurt the OP... otherwise, there'd be no point to this thread.

MargaretCavendish · 25/11/2017 18:05

Yes, we do, because the OP has mentioned him a couple of times. I just think that it's a really selfish reaction to push your 'shock' onto someone who knew him better, without any vague nod towards it being upsetting. I don't think it's malicious, but there are some kinds of thoughtlessness that say pretty bad things about people, and I think this kind of callousness after a death falls into that category.

idfwu · 25/11/2017 18:05

You have no right to tell her not to send messages to anyone. He was an ex boyfriend, not the love of your life. You have no ownership. You are not special in this circumstance and you wete quite rude needlessly.

SilverySurfer · 25/11/2017 18:07

Really silvery, so you would not apologise for your insensitive message and causing offense.

Really aeroflotgirl. Based on what we are told of the initial text which was 'OMG look xxxx has died' plus description of how it happened, I don't understand what bit warrants an apology?

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2017 18:09

If you want the friendship to continue, I wou,d apologise for being harsh and Mabey meet out for dinner. If she is not responsive to that, then cut your losses. You did come across as quite harsh and certainly put her in her place. Whilst I disagree with the message she sent, it was insensitive. A yes I already know, thank you. Would have been better. Offer her an olive branch and apologise.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2017 18:11

Tbf I wou,d have backed off from op after that message. Or apologised and backed off.

mirialis · 25/11/2017 18:12

Margaret - I thought you meant the friend's DH, not the OP's.

OP - if your friend has always been an insensitive cow then don't stress it and draw a line. If this was a one-off, then acknowledge that the circumstances weren't great and try to move on without drama.

Maybe you could think about what the friend who died would have advised you to do (and I'm sorry if that's a crass suggestion but thinking about that has helped me with a decision about whether to make contact with someone or not after our mutual friend died).

MargaretCavendish · 25/11/2017 18:13

I don't understand what bit warrants an apology?

The bit where it treats it as an exciting piece of gossip she's sharing (OMG) rather than as really sad and serious news?

MargaretCavendish · 25/11/2017 18:14

I did mean the friend's DH - OP has mentioned the friend's wedding, and also said that her DH had contacted friend's DH about her birthday party, so we definitely know he exists!

Original poster
cherrynibs · 25/11/2017 18:20

Thanks mummy and margaret - and yes I'm definitely not a "hello chicken pie!" sort of person... I have downloaded whatsapp and sent her a message just saying- "Hi there, finally got round to downloading whatsapp! How are you? It's been a while, what are your plans for christmas? How are DH and dogs? Would be nice to catch up at some point if you're in xxxx city (where we usually catch up, we both live in towns on either side of city)" so I will see what she says. I didn't want to mention my 30th as I didn't want to seem pointed.
I really don't think she was trying to be hurtful - I wouldn't want to be friends with her if I thought that.
I think if I'd known it was going to be in the news I'd have messaged more people to let them know in a sensitive way and possibly included her- as it was, a lot of us were pretty shocked the paper picked up on it at all, let alone they way they did.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 25/11/2017 19:01

I wonder if the fact you had not told her and she found out via the paper was why she told you that way - and even though your response was correct it does come across as a reprimand.

So it maybe the issue isn’t that you pulled her up on it but that she found out in the way you called so insensitive and she is hurt you did not tell her given how you felt

Mymycherrypie · 25/11/2017 21:45

I think the way she found out is also insensitive given that a few of her friends already knew. And then you told her to to talk to anyone else like that in case she upsets them. Well how was she to know who knew and who didn't, she was entirely in the dark and read about it in the paper. When my friend passed we were all called on the same day by my friends mum. Some slack and sensitively to everyone's feelings on all sides might solve this.