About my friend?

[cherrynibs]

Name changed as this could be quite outing

Earlier this year my old boyfriend from university died in quite shocking circumstances. It made the news. We were still in touch, no hard feelings etc. After he died some of my friends who had been there made a point of phoning me, making sure I was sitting down etc. to give me the news. I was surprisingly upset and shocked and appreciated this.

A few days later, once it was in the papers, another close friend from our uni class texted me with a link to the news article and "OMG look xxxx has died" plus description of how it happened. I found this message pretty insensitive and replied saying "Yes I already know, the funeral will be on (date), but just to let you know- if I hadn't already heard I would have found your message pretty upsetting. Please don't send a message like that to any of the rest of our old class, you never know who you might upset after all"

She never replied.

This was a few months ago and I haven't heard from her since but the thing that started me thinking is my 30th. My DH organised a surprise party for me. She wasn't there. I found out later that she simply hadn't responded to his party invitation. She also didn't wish me happy birthday or anything. For context it was her 30th earlier in the year and I took her out for drinks and got her a bespoke piece of jewelry.

We would always usually have a christmas catch-up around this time of year and I'm not sure what to do. I feel sad that I have possibly lost this friendship, and am not sure if I was BU with what I sent her. If I was, how should I try and resolve things? When I open my messages the last one is that text that I sent her, and it feels a bit awkward - also reminds me of what she said and makes me a bit upset. Saying that, if I wasn't being unreasonable what do I do regardless!?

Sorry this has been so long and thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Lemonaise
I totally disagree. Cherrynibs wasn’t rude. The message she received was rude. Op admitted her friend likes to have the news/gossip first. Nothing more rude than gossiping about death and other gruesome things just for a bit of sensationalisation.

Yes, I think we can all see how noble your intentions were by your calm, rational response. Of course you just wanted to offer OP some impromptu, internet psychotherapy in an open thread. Of course.

That's ok, don't share it especially if you feel it will put you. I'm sorry the press let you down.
I know someone who died in a car accident and the local papers deliberately posted photos of the family at the inquest looking like slobs, scruffy and scrounges. It was a drink driving case and they just wanted people to buy the paper. Horrendous.

Why don't you pop a little text over with something like this
"Hey chicken pie, I'm sorry we haven't seen each other for so long. I've been thinking about you so much and I really miss you. It's horrible that you felt you couldn't come to my party. I wished you were there. On reflection, you too were of course in shock and perhaps my text came across as brutal when I only meant to say I am devastated and your text is devastating me more. Please can I take you for a hot chocolate and a cuddle? I want you back. Xxx"

I think the apparently offending message you sent her was honest and to the point, and if I had potentially been the next recipient of the sensationalisation of such tragedy, I would have been grateful to you. She didn't know if you knew or not, and still sent it to you - she definitely needed her error pointing out.

Regarding the rescuing of the friendship, I think honesty is the best policy again. And remember that she might not want to reconcile, but it's definitely worth a try.

@MargaretCavendish you sound like a school teacher on her period I wasn't going to give psychotherapy I was merely offering the principles of it in case she wished to either find someone here experienced and chat to them privately, share it here for support, or discuss it with her GP or her partner. It's not about nosey it's about knowing there are some techniques which can be deployed to help cope with PTSD.
I have PTSD and know this.

I'm eating pizza in bed and having a lay around for once and I'm not allowing you to try to discipline me, mock me or make me out as a fool. End of discussion with you. My post was dedicated to help the OP not to entertain you whilst you're bored on a Saturday

Yes she was being insensitive, but if you know her well enough to know she'd hate to offend you, then I'd try and salvage your friendship.

I'd get in touch and be honest about how you were feeling and say you know she wouldn't have done it to try and be hurtful, but you'd like to see her.

I think, if you want to salvage the friendship, this cannot be the awkward elephant in the room every time you meet, it needs addressing and putting to bed.

It doesn't matter if your DH finds her annoying, because you obviously miss her in your life.

Whatever the outcome of this, it'll eat at you if you don't do something. I've been in a similar situation to you. Best address this sooner than later, no matter what comes of it.

If your DH finds her hard work and thinks you "should leave it" are you sure he sent her a party invitation?

I know if I was fretting over a friendship my DH would support me to resolve it no matter who was at fault.

Just jumped out, if she was snubbed for the party could explain lack of contact.

She didn't acknowledge your 30th birthday, I would take that as an indication that she has ended the friendship.

Yes gobster if she'd said something like that I'd have said not to worry about it and moved on. To be honest she'd already upset me and I genuinely wanted to avoid her accidentally doing the same to any of our other old friends.

Was he your friend's good friend as well at uni?

Did you speak to each other at the funeral?

It might be a combination of the fact that you called her out and that you knew and didn't think to tell her. I would be a bit annoyed if a friend died and a mutual good friend didn't think to say anything to me.

Maybe she was as shocked as you and her txt was a knee jerk reaction and was really upset with your tone of reply!

My thinking was that if OP's friend was close to this man at university, then she may have felt upset by OP's text confirming that she already knew, but hadn't told her friend, who was then left to find out about it in the press.

But that's a lot of conjecture.

To be honest I think you should let it go and make up, she probably just saw the article and sent you the text without thinking! Perhaps she didn’t appreciate how upset you would have been about an old boyfriend.

Her message was thoughtless, and you were entitled to call her up on it. And I'm all for assertiveness.

But I have to admit, if my friend had texted me that, I would withdraw from the friendship too.

I think the friendship would have survived if you had talked about it with her in person. The tone of the text is very cutting.

I dont think she meant to be rude.
I'm sorry to say it's probably the kind of message I would send without thinking.

If I think back to boyfriends from that long ago, even ones with whom there were no hard feelings and still send catch up messages to, I would be shocked and saddened by the news but not as devestated as his family would obviously be. So I can see why your friend may not have realised exactly how you were feeling.

Again, I can though understand why you rebuked her, but it was a little unnecessary. She was insensitive, but you should have just internally rolled your eyes and just sent the first part of your message.

I think now you should send her an email explaining how you felt at the time and apologising if the blutness of your reply was a little cutting, but that you miss her and would love to see her again soon.

Its just crossed wires and misjudgment OP. Theres no malice from either side here. Let it go.

Maybe she has been waiting for you to contact her again. She might be still cringing and not have replied to your DH's invitation or come to the party because she was thinking "Maybe Cherry's DH doesn't know that I upset her. What if I go to the party and Cherry turns to him and says 'what is SHE doing here?' like that bit in Gavin and Stacey.

you sound like a school teacher on her period

Anyway... I think a lot of people are concentrating on whether OP 'should' have been upset about the death of an old boyfriend, but I don't read it as that being what she was upset about: it wasn't about the relationship she had with the deceased as such, it's that she found it upsetting and callous that her friend was treating any death of an old friend as a hot bit of gossip that she was excited to share.

It sounds like you were all in a group at uni and when you called her out on how she told you. Your friends thoughts were, you and everyone else knew and she had to read it in the papers.

If you were such good friends why weren't you the one to tell her rather than let her read about it in the papers.
I would be re evaluating my friendship group if this happened.
Remember when you heard from her you had a day or so to come to terms with things whilst for her it was completely raw.

She might be still cringing and not have replied to your DH's invitation or come to the party because she was thinking "Maybe Cherry's DH doesn't know that I upset her. What if I go to the party and Cherry turns to him and says 'what is SHE doing here?' like that bit in Gavin and Stacey.

Yes, I do think this too - that your DH inviting her without your knowledge might not have seemed like a very clear sign that you still wanted to be friends to her. That's why I think I'd definitely ask her to meet up now (without discussing the previous exchange at all), rather than just a 'happy Christmas' message, as I think the latter could come across as you trying to be 'civil', rather than actively friendly and she might still be wary.

Maybe she's a bit pissed off that you knew he'd died for a few days and the details of his funeral but left her to find out the horrific details in the newspaper, and then when she messaged you in shock you sent her a pretty cutting reply. You say she was a "close friend from our uni class" - you don't seem to have acknowledged how she might have felt at all at discovering the awful news in graphic detail from a newspaper.

I feel a bit for the friend. What is she didn't know what else to say. What if she felt that she wasn't "breaking" the news to you as such, but just expressing her own reaction. Maybe she was hoping for some support of her own and needed to talk about it. Your response wasn't bad but it didn't give her much of an opportunity to talk about her own grief, just about yours. Presumably she was still friends with him?

We had a friend die quite tragically when we were 20. We didn't have whatsapp then but there were a lot of "wow, can't believe this has happened!" phone calls to disseminate the news. His death also made the news - it was quite a shock and not all of us had time to moderate our responses.

if I’d received that kind of response off you I’d have immediately replying saying god I’m sorry I didn’t realise it might be sensitive due to timings involved etc. You ok?

I love this.

I find most people cannot take criticism, even when given with the best of intentions. It takes a lot of maturity.

What I mean is don't just write off this friendship. Go with the whatapp idea. It might work.

dissapointedafternoon

If someone sent me that message, I’d think they were being sarcastic.

And really. A school teacher on her period. Really?! Really?!!

Don’t we get enough misogynistic banter from males that we have to dish it out to ourselves?

From reading your posts OP it sounds to me like your friend might be the anxious sort - she doesn't like speaking on the phone and has avoided conflict.

She is probably embarrassed at the message she sent after you (rightly) pointed out how insensitive it was and finds it easier to ignore than apologise.

Not that I think this is an excuse - I think the message she sent was awful and she should have apologised if she valued your feelings and friendship.

What you should do next depends on what YOU want, OP. Would you like to try and salvage the friendship or would it not bother you thatich to just draw a line under it, accept it won't be the same again and move on? Both options are reasonable.

As things are left now the ball is already in her court imo, as she hasn't apologised after you expressed distress at her insensitive message.