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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female colleague on business trip

136 replies

JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 09:29

DH left last week for a 2 week business trip abroad. Just found out that his female colleague (that he’s very close to) is joining him today (Saturday) so it would seem that they would be spending the weekend together. He’s now saying she’s leaving tomorrow to go on to the next destination where they have a meeting. Seems a bit odd for her to stop over on a Saturday... if it was a weekday they could have had meetings to attend. DH mentioned previously that his bosses were asking whether it was necessary for her to be at the meeting and he apparently said no. So it seems like the idea for her to go came from either her or from him.
I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid. The reason I’m worried is because I found out that he had previously told her about some personal issues I was having that were impacting on our marriage. I felt that this was a betrayal of my trust and if I ever wanted to discuss anything personal about him with a friend I would check with him first. There have also been various trust issues very early on in our relationship but he keeps reassuring me that he’s matured since then.
AIBU?

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 25/11/2017 12:11

I'd missed the bit about a networking dinner. That sounds pretty plausible to me.

You don't strike me as jealous or insecure OP. You sound measured and sensible.

Don't jump to conclusions, but equally, don't ignore your concerns. This might be totally innocent (I'm inclined to think it's fine) but your underlying worries mean that there are real issues to be addressed by you and your DH regardless of this trip.

NovemberWitch · 25/11/2017 12:12

The current situation would be normal in my relationship, but OH and I are academics with a long history of being faithful, whatever conferences, activities and courses we’ve been part of. You don’t have that as a base.

loveka · 25/11/2017 12:12

I have just been on a business trip with a colleague who I have worked with for many years.

We chose to spend the weekend together. We had a nice dinner, walked around Central Park, got pissed in the lounge at the airport. When we had dinner we talked about personal stuff. We are not sleeping together.

Planning a business trip with another colleague, he suggested we 'meet in the middle' for the weekend and go to a spa resort together. Yes, I will be up for that! We will talk about personal stuff at dinner. Again, not sleeping together.

When you are away on business you would go mad if you didn't have fun with people. And, yes, you do form friendships with the opposite sex. In my experience they are just that. Some of my closest friends are men I have met through work.

TidyLike · 25/11/2017 12:12

Mirai Totally agree with everything you wrote.

WinnieFosterTether · 25/11/2017 12:14

The assumption that a woman would cheat on your husband just because she is a woman is insulting and stupid.
The OP has never said that. Indeed, she has said she is a professional woman who travels for business and presumably doesn't shag her colleagues. As are many of the people on this thread.
I'm not clear why certain posters are determined to create a straw man argument about the morality of businesswomen when the OP is clearly about a DW thinking her DH may be having an inappropriate friendship with one specific businesswoman.

NovemberWitch · 25/11/2017 12:15

I agree, Mirai. But it’s a constant response here ‘trust your instincts, watch out for predators stealing what’s yours. Check his phone/emails...brand him on the arse to show he’s yours’

worlybear · 25/11/2017 12:17

Ask him directly he gets back and don't be fobbed off.
He sounds just like my ex- full of plausible excuses(lies.)

TidyLike · 25/11/2017 12:17

Just for perspective ... I notice that in these sorts of posts, some commenters will take an attitude of 'unless you have conclusive proof that he's not shagging someone else, then he probably is'. We can never prove that anyone is 100% loyal, of course - that's why we have trust. Just mentioning this because you said that you're not sure if you're being too insecure! Are you able to confide in RL friends about this - friends who know you both? You might get a more balanced and informed view from people who have background knowledge.

MaisyPops · 25/11/2017 12:18

Men and women CAN be friends. I'm no less a friend to my male friend up north because I have bloody ovaries, for God's sake. We'd no more 'bed' each other than we would a sodding penguin
This made me laugh! Grin
DH goes to London with work for 3 days to 2 weeks at a time. He'll often make the most of being down there and catch up with friends from uni (some of them female). He'll stay at their houses if it's convenient. Sometimes their partners are there, others not.
Him and those friends are very much 'bed a penguin' territory. I know that he confided in them years ago when we were having some issues and they told him in no uncertain terms he was being a dickhead over a situation. They are completely supportive of our marriage. Men and women can confide in each other and hang out 1-1.

That said, something is sitting funny with men on this situation and normally i'm very much 'men and women can be friends' / 'some peoplr on MN are weird over opposite sex friendships'

Original poster
JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 12:20

My reasons for distrusting him are:

  1. past behaviour (a number of one night stands when we had started our relationship. It was a very intense relationship from the start as we had been friends for many years before so was pretty shocking for me at the time)
  2. observations of mildly flirtatious behaviour with other women on a few occasions (the fact that he doesn’t behave that way with me makes it worse)
  3. sharing personal matters about me and expecting me not to find out And now I’m wondering if this women really needed to be with him today and why she didn’t just go directly to China I would be lying if I said I wasn’t insecure. All of these things have had an impact on me and I find it really hard to get over them. I thought I had but then every once in a while something happens and I start feeling confused.
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 25/11/2017 12:20

Those business trips are absolutely notorious for being the start of affairs and give them plenty of opportunity to continue. That's not to say that's the case here but be aware that it could be. Don't be one of those wives that say oh it could never happen to me. Believe me it can happen to anyone.

Inertia · 25/11/2017 12:21

It’s impossible to know what’s going on in this particular case. But the bigger picture is that you know your husband has a history of cheating on you earlier in the relationship, and that you’ve accepted that and taken him back.

Was the Skype contact work-related? Isn’t that sort of thing usually done via the company’s own communication systems , if it’s business related ?

WinnieFosterTether · 25/11/2017 12:25

He has damaged your trust in the relationship. You can continue to sweep that under the carpet but it will keep tripping you up.
You both need an honest conversation about how trust can be rebuilt. He needs to take responsibility because he is the person who broke your trust.
But you also need to look at all of this objectively and decide if you can ever get over what has happened in the past. It's impossible to have a relationship with someone if you can't trust them. Don't condemn yourself to a life of questioning every text, email, business trip. That isn't healthy or sustainable.

Original poster
JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 12:29

How do you re-build trust?

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 25/11/2017 12:32

I don't know. I can't offer any advice on that Flowers
Relate could possibly help you both to discuss that.

ringle · 25/11/2017 12:36

I'm really sorry, it's a ghastly feeling.

We met at 21/22 and both were unfaithful (immaturity, etc). It took about ten years to get over and rebuild trust. We're 25 years in now and very happy but you can never again be fairy-tale happy.

In your situation I would say:
-whether you are jealous/insecure is irrelevant.
-can you find language to say you are concerned before he goes? We could maybe help. Knowing that he has upset you might take the fun out of flirting with her. It removes the mock-innocence.
-you can't monitor him abroad but I would keep a close eye after his return.

Fingers crossed x

Original poster
JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 12:42

Thanks Ringles. It’s been about 4 years for us. Most days it feels like we have gotten over it but then stuff like this happens and I start questioning whether I’m being stupid and he’s taking advantage of it. Do you feel if you were in my situation you would feel uncomfortable or are you in a place now where it wouldn’t bother you?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/11/2017 12:49

Op. No she didn’t need to be there, she wanted to go to the networking dinner and from what I can see is literally flying in today and out tomorrow and attending the dinner tonight She’s hardly hanging around is she?

When people post “he didn’t tell me” everyone is quick to jump and say he’s a cheat. When you post and say “he did tell me” some idiots are saying it’s some form of emotional abuse. It’s absoltely crazy. At no stage is the man not a cheat to these people.

ringle · 25/11/2017 12:55

4 years since your reconciliation? Or since you first met?

Original poster
JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 12:58

4 years since reconciliation. It’s been about 7 years since the cheating.

OP posts:
ringle · 25/11/2017 13:06

4 years in I would feel the same as you.

My DH has had to accept that my decreased trust/increased suspicion was the price he had to pay for handling his ons so unbelievably badly..... he had made the wound so he could not simply tell me to close it. Only time and fidelity did that. he made the choice to stay with me and I'm glad he did.

A mistake I made was to turn it all in on myself, which is why I urge you to think about his ability to be faithful rather than your ability to be "secure", "trusting" etc.

Original poster
JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 13:14

I believe he loves me. He shows that through how caring and dedicated he is and in his mind that demonstrates his loyalty so I should have no reason to question anything. For me that is a separate thing.
Despite ackowldingn those things about him it’s possible that he would take the opportunity to cheat if he thought he could get away with it. Why do I think that? Past experience and the fact that despite having many good qualities I do think he is shrewd and also has a careless streak.

OP posts:
ringle · 25/11/2017 13:16

My husband has a weakness/bad side too (slightly different from your husband's),
Much sympathy x

ringle · 25/11/2017 13:19

"I believe he loves me. He shows that through how caring and dedicated he is and in his mind that demonstrates his loyalty so I should have no reason to question anything. For me that is a separate thing.
Despite ackowldingn those things about him it’s possible that he would take the opportunity to cheat if he thought he could get away with it. Why do I think that? Past experience and the fact that despite having many good qualities I do think he is shrewd and also has a careless streak."

I hear you.

I like that you are switching the focus on to him and his character, which is where it should be.

ringle · 25/11/2017 13:22

I heard my DH say, almost to himself "I've figured out that it's never worth it" meaning that getting to have sex with another woman is worth the price of anger, bitterness and suspicion that creates.

It was that that convinced me, because I could sort of see the cogs turning in his mind as he reassessed his teenage ideas of sex, etc.