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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Female colleague on business trip

136 replies

JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 09:29

DH left last week for a 2 week business trip abroad. Just found out that his female colleague (that he’s very close to) is joining him today (Saturday) so it would seem that they would be spending the weekend together. He’s now saying she’s leaving tomorrow to go on to the next destination where they have a meeting. Seems a bit odd for her to stop over on a Saturday... if it was a weekday they could have had meetings to attend. DH mentioned previously that his bosses were asking whether it was necessary for her to be at the meeting and he apparently said no. So it seems like the idea for her to go came from either her or from him.
I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid. The reason I’m worried is because I found out that he had previously told her about some personal issues I was having that were impacting on our marriage. I felt that this was a betrayal of my trust and if I ever wanted to discuss anything personal about him with a friend I would check with him first. There have also been various trust issues very early on in our relationship but he keeps reassuring me that he’s matured since then.
AIBU?

OP posts:
JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 11:55

At the time he told her about my perso am issues it wasn’t with the fact that she was a woman that bothered me. It was that he did it secretly thinking I wouldn’t find out. If he had told a male colleague I would have felt the same. I did find it peculiar that he didn’t think to speak to his friends instead and that’s when he said the thing about female perspective.

OP posts:
JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 11:57

He has two close female friends. Didn’t mention it to either of them.

OP posts:
dramaqueen · 25/11/2017 11:58

Phone the hotel and see if she has a room booked there? If not, I would ask your dh where she is staying.

Caroelle · 25/11/2017 11:59

WinnieFosterTether ‘sowing seeds of distrust?’ Like most couples I’m sure that the OP and her partner talk about things that are happening at work or with colleagues. Where is the evidence that this is emotionally abusive?

OnionKnight · 25/11/2017 11:59

If he's opening up to her about your problems then they are probably shagging. Men don't share intimacies with women they aren't bedding or want to bed.

What absolute bollocks.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2017 12:00

Or maybe he's just discussing his work life with HIS WIFE! FFS, the only emotional abuse is some of the bollocks that people on here come out with as they try to stuff up someone else's marriage!

Exactly,

Op, maybe the conversation was moving in that direction, colleagues share a lot, you’d be surprised it seems, maybe he didn’t want his inner circle to know.

Insomnibrat · 25/11/2017 12:00

I've been on enough business trips and corporate events to know that shagging is rife.
Some have a strong moral compass, but lots don't.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds horrible.

JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 12:01

im pretty certain they’re staying at the same hotel

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 25/11/2017 12:01

The OP's issue is with her husband and regardless if other posters would be 'cool' with what her DH has done, the OP isn't and has told him that it impacted the trust in their relationship. His response hasn't been to try to rebuild that trust but rather to constantly tell her details that undermine that trust.
Luckily there will always be posters on MN to defend a man making a woman feel like shit for no reason and to tell her she should put up with it. Hmm

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 25/11/2017 12:02

Luckily there will always be posters on MN to defend a man making a woman feel like shit for no reason and to tell her she should put up with it

Which posters are doing that? I don't see those comments anywhere on this thread.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2017 12:03

It’s the norm to stay in same hotel.

Op, I thought you travelled for work? Why does this seems so weird to you? Do uou not have any colleagues you would classify as friends ?

NovemberWitch · 25/11/2017 12:03

You don’t trust him, so why are you in the relationship? Leave.

JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 12:03

Insomnibrat, exactly it’s not totally out of the question. I guess it’s just about how one knows if there’s something going on. I don’t want to be suspicious and annoying if there’s nothing happening but on the other hand I don’t want to be a fool in all of this.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/11/2017 12:04

Winnie, you think he should lie to the op?

JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 12:05

Bluntness that was in response to someone saying I should call the hotel. I know it’s normal to stay in the same hotel. What I don’t find normal is being in the same place on a weekend when to my mind there’s no real reason for it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/11/2017 12:06

You don’t trust him, so why are you in the relationship?

This i sort of agree with, she doesn’t trust him to remain faithful for whatever reason. However it could simply be the op is a Jealous insecure person. Who knows.

WinnieFosterTether · 25/11/2017 12:07

You know I didn't say that anywhere Bluntness

Itsgonnabeacoldone · 25/11/2017 12:07

Sorry op he sounds disrespectful and it's all dodgy Flowers

I'd be clearing the current account

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2017 12:07

What I don’t find normal is being in the same place on a weekend when to my mind there’s no real reason for It

But that’s not true is it, you know the reason full well, she wants to go to the networking dinner.

JadeFeather · 25/11/2017 12:08

That’s what I’m trying to work out. Am I being a jealous insecure person or would most people find this odd.

OP posts:
NovemberWitch · 25/11/2017 12:08

If she’s right, then leaving is a good idea. If she’s not, it’s an unstable, unhappy relationship they are both better off out of. I couldn’t bear living with jealousy and mistrust.

mimibunz · 25/11/2017 12:08

Bluntness100 - "I’m guessing you just don’t have any male friends so can’t imagine it."

You can guess all you want, but I was writing about my own vast experience. There's no need to be snarky. Enjoy your male friends.

MiraiDevant · 25/11/2017 12:09

For the first 15 years of my career I spent 15 - 20 weeks out of the country. We did at least a trip a month, usually in pairs.

How sickeningly sexist and belittling of women to assume that any woman on a business trip is only there to shag a man. I sometimes encountered that attitude from men when I was abroad - (never from a colleague but one particular client comes to mind - bastard Angry ) - but I never saw that attitude from a woman.

I often spent evenings and weekends with male colleagues in lovely hotels, (and some grim ones); shared dinners - over which we talked tactics and prepped materials and documents. I NEVER ONCE EVER so much as flirted with a colleague. I regularly went ahead of time - (cost of flights, prep time, not wanting to arrive at a business meeting knackered, safety net in case plane delayed, time to acclimatise - and a host of other reasons).

Why would a bunch of other women jump to that conclusion.

(Once a colleague dropped out of a trip because his wife discovered he was going to be travelling with me, (a woman). She rang the boss(!! Shock ) and asked that a male colleague replace me, "for obvious reasons)!. Thank goodness the company treated her with the contempt she deserved. The guy, who was bloody good at what he did, missed that trip and mainly did trips alone after that but the marriage didn't last - how could it?)

People do cheat on their partners. Women cheat with gym instructors and tennis coaches if you want to be clicheed about it. The assumption that a woman would cheat on your husband just because she is a woman is insulting and stupid.

(If you DH is a cheat then he is a cheat - that is between you and him)

TidyLike · 25/11/2017 12:10

I don't think there are necessarily alarm bells ringing here. I know a lot of people who travel for work and who stay more days than are absolutely necessary for the opportunity to do touristy things and/or see people they wouldn't normally see, so her arriving on a weekend and at a time when the management don't think it's necessary could be innocent. Your DH's talking about your personal business is indiscreet and it is reasonable for you to be annoyed, but that doesn't signal foul play either. Sometimes these topics come up and we end up sharing things unexpectedly.

They could be having an affair, of course ... but what you've described doesn't obviously entail that. Do you have independent reasons to distrust him?

WinnieFosterTether · 25/11/2017 12:10

You'd get better advice in Relationships.
Your issue isn't this woman but your relationship with your DH.