Female colleague on business trip

[JadeFeather]

DH left last week for a 2 week business trip abroad. Just found out that his female colleague (that he’s very close to) is joining him today (Saturday) so it would seem that they would be spending the weekend together. He’s now saying she’s leaving tomorrow to go on to the next destination where they have a meeting. Seems a bit odd for her to stop over on a Saturday... if it was a weekday they could have had meetings to attend. DH mentioned previously that his bosses were asking whether it was necessary for her to be at the meeting and he apparently said no. So it seems like the idea for her to go came from either her or from him.
I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid. The reason I’m worried is because I found out that he had previously told her about some personal issues I was having that were impacting on our marriage. I felt that this was a betrayal of my trust and if I ever wanted to discuss anything personal about him with a friend I would check with him first. There have also been various trust issues very early on in our relationship but he keeps reassuring me that he’s matured since then.
AIBU?

I have been on business trips with male colleagues where we have gone on Saturday- usually if it is to an interesting location where all we would see otherwise is four walls of an office. There may be an innocent explanation

I appreciate you posting the alternative view.
I travel internationally for work too so I do know sometimes people go earlier. If she had gone to (China) where the meeting is early I don’t think I would have thought much of it. It’s the fact that she’s made a stop over where DH is on a weekend without any reason for it that seems weird.

What seems weird is that her boss is questioning why she is there at all.In any organisation I have worked in, with international travel, a boss would have sign-off on who needed to attend meetings abroad so if they approved it why are they questioning it? And if they didn't approve it, why is she there?
imo the only reason for your DH telling you that her boss was questioning her attendance was to make you question it too. It's a red flag. He's told you something that he knows will make you uneasy whilst pretending he's being open so you shouldn't be uneasy. What an arse he is!

Hmm, if it's a one off trip to China (i.e. the staff don't get many opportunities to go) it wouldn't be unusual ime for colleagues to try and get on the trip or arrange for others to get on the trip and for managers to have to try and control who really needs to be there.

Frankly the same happens for business lunches.

I’m not sure if she reports into the same bosses, she may well do, I’m just not 100% certain. But anyway this conversation about whether she needed to go was early on when I guess it hadn’t yet been agreed/approved.

She travels internationally extensively and has been to all these places before.

I think ultimately Op it could be innocent or it might not but there's a reason you're feeling uneasy about it.

Is it a long haul trip?

My DH travels a lot for work & it's not unusual to go the weekend before meetings start on the Monday. It gives you time to recover from the travel and also flights are cheaper if you stay away the Saturday night.

Why don't you just ask your husband?

Check his pockets when he gets back......

I know it’s hard for anyone to determine what’s going on here. I suppose I wanted to see whether the consensus was that I was being totally mad but it seems not.

When push comes to shove, if things are strong, if you are close in the relationship and trust is there, you wouldn't even be posting, OP.

The fact is there were trust issues before and now your spidey senses are a-tingling.

Your DH has spoken about intimate details about your relationship, that alone is a betrayal.

He isn't exactly covering himself in glory, is he.

Yes Daisy that was very hard for me. I’m still not over it and he expects me to be. It was strange to me that he didn’t speak to his friends, but instead told a woman at work. It’s not even something he told me about. He was very unlucky that I found out when looking for something else that he had been on Skype with her which I found strange.

I travel internationally for work and often with male colleagues. Some of them I am close to and will arrange to meet in the bar for a drink but I would never suggest meeting up early with them, because it would sound dodgy, and disrespectful to their wives.

It would bother me that there was a question over why she was attending at all. Whose decision was this? Was it your DH who suggested she should go?

I dunno, it could all be innocent but it sounds like you aren't happy. I would be on full alert and take it from there.

The things he did early in your relationship that caused trust issues - do you mind saying what they were?

I'm so sorry Jade.

I'd let his business trip finish then have an honest conversation, get it all out in the open. It will be painful but he is letting you down badly. Disloyalty in a relationship is a killer

I’ve done that before too. I’ve got in somewhere the night before and might go for a drink with colleagues. No issues with that. I wouldn’t however go somewhere I don’t have any reason to be on a weekend just because a male colleague happens to be there.

Either DH suggested she went or she suggested it herself. I don’t know.
In the early stages of our relationship which was very intense he was having one night stand(s). He then left me all of a sudden without any explanation for a number of years and then reached out again and we got back together. He was in his early 20s at the time so put it down to age, immaturity etc.
He has a lot of great qualities but I just find it hard to trust him.

Jade, you are not mad! Don't think like that. These are your feelings and from what you have written it sounds like you have every reason to suspect something. Try and stay very busy while he goes on these trips, find things to do that you like, have some really big fun that he might miss out on, insist he returns with souvenirs for you/any DCs - start with fridge magnets and then if he keeps going away on work trips start upping your demands to significant duty free purchases. Take care x

I travel for work a lot and often go places early, and will sometimes add in stop-overs that are only semi relevant to my work.

The stop overs are generally because it means I have a shorter flight to my final destination, and thus I can hit the ground running a lot easier. So if possible I might go somewhere 5-6 hours away in the right general direction for a day or two, and just prepare, maybe network with whatever team is around, be there to consult if wanted etc. It makes the next leg of the trip less daunting, which is really helpful if you're essentially going straight into meetings or dinners.

Sometimes it's just what works with flights too. Occasionally direct flights on the right day all arrive at awkward times or are stupidly expensive, and if you've got nothing keeping you at home it's just easier/cheaper to go early or go somewhere else and leave from there.

And yeah, occasionally I can swing it so I end up going somewhere for no serious reason beyond I like it there.

So I don't know OP. It certainly could be dodgy, but if she's a regular traveller it sounds pretty normal to me. Is there any real reason your DH would have been worried you'd find out if he didn't tell you eg. you follow her on social media or you're friendly with another colleague who's going too? If not I can't see why he'd tell you all about it if he was in fact planning on hooking up with her.

We have had other minor issues along the way. For example I remember once he was sat with a friend and when joking around with her he touched her on the arm. Now before anyone starts having a go at me, I know this can be perfectly innocent and normal, but I’ve known DH for almost 15 years and I have never seen him do that to anyone (not even me) not even once. We have open conversations about this sort of stuff and it’s always him saying I need to trust him which I just can’t seem to do.

Going for drinks, having a meal, even going clubbing - I have done all of these with clients and colleagues on work trips. I've also added extra days on to the end of a trip to celebrate a local festival or visit friends/colleagues who live in country.
The problem is that you aren't aware of any of these reasons for your DP's colleague arranging a stopover and tbh, the real problem is that you don't trust him with her. He betrayed your trust so he should be working to win it back.

dlnex, 'souvenirs'? 'significant duty free purchases'? Why? What on earth would OP gain from these?

What Iseenodust said ^^^ - are you sure she's not just out to make use of his networks to advance herself in her career rather than after him?

If he's opening up to her about your problems then they are probably shagging. Men don't share intimacies with women they aren't bedding or want to bed. It's a seduction technique designed to show the woman that all isn't isn't well in the marriage.

"Client meeting"

It’s possible but even this dinner with a client on a Saturday seems strange to me. In my line of work we may be asked to work on weekends but people are busy with their personal lives and we have never had work related dinners with clients on weekends (unless the clients are more like friends with which isn’t the case here as this is a new prospect). I’m open to the weekend thing if you guys tell me it’s common, I’ve just never experienced or seen it myself.

The reason I was given for sharing the issues with her (and not even with his best friend) is that he wanted a “female perspective”. Hmm ok