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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowing money from son's savings

112 replies

sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 07:16

So I'm on mat leave and this is the last pay day where I will recieve smp, in December it'll be a full wage again thankfully.

DS2 was completely unplanned and followed a house move so savings were thin on the ground but we tried to do as best we could.

I've used my savings however I've also ended up borrowing £1500 to date from my son's savings. My smp was almost £1100 less than my wage, and it just wasn't possible to survive otherwise.

DS1 (7) had over £6000 in savings that he has no access to until he is at least 18. I borrowed money from here. The money will all be replaced by this time next year, and definitely before he's 18.

I've felt awful for using the money but we genuinely couldn't have survived otherwise, unless I returned to work early. My DM is a trustee for this savings account also and looked at her online statement, noticing the missing money. She had a go at me, calling me selfish and a thief essentially.

Was I really being unreasonable to borrow the money when it was really necessary? It's not something I've done before and I'm not proud, but it will be replaced and DS1 will never be any the wiser nor miss out as a result.

OP posts:
Original poster
sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 10:05

Laguna it was more than was ever given to me and I know how much I've struggled and don't want them to.
As I said it's not just me that has contributed but instead of letting him spend £300 of Christmas money on shit we bank it for him.

Obviously it is a best case scenario but it seems likely and I'm forever grateful that it is possible to do this for them.

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 23/11/2017 10:09

they have very generous relatives by the sound of things op.

confusedlittleone · 23/11/2017 10:10

Then no YANBU- but your DH should be doing whatever possible to support HIS family. If he can't do that on one job alone then he needs to look into getting a second job to bridge the gap in pays. And should be spending "his" savings on supporting you as well

Leilaniii · 23/11/2017 10:12

What is this obsession some older people have with savings? If you need the money, then borrow it. And it's obviously important enough for you to put it back.

My only concern is, do your DC get enough presents? There seems to be an awful lot of savings going on. It would be a shame if they missed out on nice gifts and treats because of it.

FilthyforFirth · 23/11/2017 10:14

I dont think you are being U at all. You clearly intend to replace it. I would remove your mother as a trustee. None of her business how you run your life now you are an adult.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 10:17

Slarty they definitely do. My relatives have always been generous and would have offered me the money I needed but I've never borrowed from them and don't want money to become an issue. Borrowing from DS account was to stop money being an issue as he would have it paid back before ever knowing or using the money.

Confused my OH (we aren't married) is already putting more money in to our joint account than when I was working. However our bills have went up despite taking money saving options such as moving from asda to aldi, cutting down on all takeaways and meals out, swapping energy supplier etc. His individual bills are also slightly more than mine and his wage is less than mine. After he pays in to the joint account and his bills/fuel he has about £50 per month. He works one on call night a week, one on call weekend every third week and is currently studying a Level 3 to give himself better career prospects. He is out the house 8-6 Monday to Friday. He can't actually do any more than he is without making himself ill.

OP posts:
Firesuit · 23/11/2017 10:20

Actually, now that I've registered this is his pocket money and gifts, it's good this isn't going into an account he can't touch until he's an adult. It's money he's intended to enjoy while he's still a child.

RosyWelshcakes · 23/11/2017 10:21

Thank you money

Only on MN

Original poster
sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 10:21

Leilaniii they get lots of presents. DS1 especially so as I am not with his dad and so he recieves presents from my family, OHs family and exs family.

He still has things he hasn't opened from last Christmas vecayse he has so much.

I'm not bragging. I cut down this year because the amount is ridiculous. He has three fucking bikes. Who needs three!?

OP posts:
Cracklesfire · 23/11/2017 10:23

Your mum is being ridiculous. We save money for DS but if it came to it and it was in his interests to use that money for something else we'd do it.

My parents used our savings to take us on a long haul trip to see family when we were small. Apparently my gran was angry about it but they've always done right by us so I can't see a problem with it. It was their hard earned money.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 10:24

Firesuit and he does enjoy some of it. He does not need to spend £1000 a year on toys in addition to the gifts he recieves. I'd rather we gave him some to enjoy, put most in to savings and then treated him and and when.

OP posts:
NegansBitch · 23/11/2017 10:29

As long as you intend to pay it back then I dont see the problem. We were struggling at one point and considered borrowing from our sons account them paying back with the interest he would have got too. As it turns out we didn't need to.

I would suggest opening a new account for him and transferring the money over. You arent 17 now so should be able to open one for him yourself. Maybe have a look for a good interest account too to maximise what he gets. My parents have no power over mine or my children's money.... and they don't really have any interest in it too (also none of their business). WHY would your dm suddenly take an interest in the bank account?

KimmySchmidt1 · 23/11/2017 10:32

I don't think so. I expect your 'D' M has benefited from a disgustingly giant leap in the value of her home over the past 20 years which is no doubt partly fuelling your own money troubles. If she voted for Brexit then she has also fuelled a rise in inflation which hasn't helped you. Has she ever worked?

I suspect all in all a woman of her generation has bugger all legs to stand on. If she is concerned she can pony up the money to put back in the savings account. Otherwise she should STFU.

grannytomine · 23/11/2017 10:35

He has benefitted from the money as he has been fed and housed but also had his mum around more. I'm sure when he is older if you ask him he won't be bothered. Hope you have enjoyed your time at home with your children, it is priceless and a shame if money worries spoil it.

grannytomine · 23/11/2017 10:37

KimmySchmidt1 I'm probably older than the OPs mother. Not everyone in my generation owns a house and plenty of us didn't vote for Brexit. Spreading hate to other generations isn't very helpful.

DeadGood · 23/11/2017 10:45

"Savings are a nice thing to have but pretty useless having all that money in the bank if you can't afford to feed yourself and your family imo."

Exactly this. Your mother is acting like a twit.

To explain it somewhat, she has probably been told all of her life to "save save save" and now cannot think about the situation rationally. Doesn't make it right, though. She should try a little harder to overcome her kneejerk reactions.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 10:46

Kimmy I never intended for this to become a slanging match against my mum. She is never usually like this which definitely surprised and prompted me to post as it was so out of character.

My mum does own her own home, having paid of her mortgage a year or two ago. Now it was only a £75000 house, which took over 20 years to repay. She's hardly rolling in it.

She has also worked for almost 40 years.

And she has never voted for or agreed with Brexit.

As for 'her generation' she's 52. So not much older than some posters here.

OP posts:
NegansBitch · 23/11/2017 10:47

And a side note to the money for birthdays/christmas/pocket money being put in.... we do this too. He was first grandchild so was given a lot of toys from aunts/uncles/grandparents so had a LOT of stuff so didnt need loads of new toys buying. We would either ask for a small gift or money for him to save/buy something bigger which would be too expensive to ask for as a gift.

now my ds is 9 and knows how much money he has, where it comes from, how much interest he gets on it and can decide at birthdays and xmas what he wants (cash or present) He loves getting cash so he can save for something bigger. Last year he saw a lego set he really wanted. We found it on offer the lowest it had ever been so he got money from his bank to buy it himself. He prefers to do that than spend pocket money weekly on a magazine which would be read within an hour and thrown away.

He also has a trust fund (he was born in that time when every child was given money by the goverment to start a trust fund) and tbh.... he gets more interest in his savings account than on his TF.... so why put his money into TF and get 0.5% when he can put it in savings and get 3% and we can swap it into a new account should we find a better interest rate in a few years time. He's locked into the TF until hes 18!

Slartybartfast · 23/11/2017 10:49

when you are back on your feet op might be an idea to set up a rainy day savings account for yourself.
and also i still say to lower the amount to put in your dc's accounts.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 10:49

I think DeadGood has it in that she has always been of the save mentality and has had her fair share of money troubles as my Dad's business is unpredictable, leaving her as the sole earner for 2 adults and 2 teens (when I still lived at home), in an average paying job.

I think she's worried DS will ens up in the position both she and myself have been in in regards to saving.

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 23/11/2017 10:49

you say he was given money but you put the money in his savings and then bought him something yourself, so you are spending your own money needlessly

Original poster
sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 10:52

Slarty I did have savings but an unexpected baby a month after buying a house led to it being quickly spent. As in we must have spent abour £10,000 in about 12 months (new build help to biy 5% deposit, furniture for the house and flooring was around £8500 and then needing to completely start from scratch for DS2 plus using some of my savings to help while I'm off). It was an eye watering amount and won't happen again any time soon.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 23/11/2017 11:44

In fact your Mum is younger than me (just) and I would never have said that to a daughter who used the money to live on especially if she said she was going to pay it back because I would believe her.

Indeed having found out that it was an issue I'd be offering to help her out financially until she was back on her feet.

Please don't feel bad at all - you are doing what needs to be done for your family to survive!

Pibplob · 23/11/2017 11:47

You used it on essentials. You are hoping to pay it back. It's really hot an issue. I wouldn't worry!

BadLad · 23/11/2017 12:24

Thank you money ?? Thank you for what ??

Cream Eggs are so 2015.