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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Borrowing money from son's savings

112 replies

sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 07:16

So I'm on mat leave and this is the last pay day where I will recieve smp, in December it'll be a full wage again thankfully.

DS2 was completely unplanned and followed a house move so savings were thin on the ground but we tried to do as best we could.

I've used my savings however I've also ended up borrowing £1500 to date from my son's savings. My smp was almost £1100 less than my wage, and it just wasn't possible to survive otherwise.

DS1 (7) had over £6000 in savings that he has no access to until he is at least 18. I borrowed money from here. The money will all be replaced by this time next year, and definitely before he's 18.

I've felt awful for using the money but we genuinely couldn't have survived otherwise, unless I returned to work early. My DM is a trustee for this savings account also and looked at her online statement, noticing the missing money. She had a go at me, calling me selfish and a thief essentially.

Was I really being unreasonable to borrow the money when it was really necessary? It's not something I've done before and I'm not proud, but it will be replaced and DS1 will never be any the wiser nor miss out as a result.

OP posts:

Firesuit · 23/11/2017 08:38

In fact if born in the UK in 2010, child should already have a child trust fund? Which can currently take about four thousand pounds, per year.

NotNowBernard1 · 23/11/2017 08:38

You did nothing wrong, OP.

A relative left me £20k, requesting that I put half into savings for DS who was 3 at the time. Instead I put the whole lot towards a deposit on our new house. He needs a roof over his head in a good school area more than he needs £10k to blow when he's 18.

Original poster

sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 08:39

does he never want to spend the pocket money?

When he was younger all the money would go straight in to his account and then I'd buy him things. Even if the money was given at a birthday or Christmas to buy him something he wants. I'd still bank the money and use mine to buy it.

Now he keeps a little money aside and the majority is banked, while I pay for things as and when (not everyday/week).

I know how much I've struggled to get on the property ladder and ideally both kids will have enough sitting to help ease that cost for them and/or travel, pursue further study etc.

We cannot get a mortgage payment holiday as we've not paid off enough. We literally moved in one month and I found out about DS2 the next.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

PurpleStar123 · 23/11/2017 08:39

You haven’t done anything wrong. That money is effectively yours until your DS reaches age. Needs must.

Miauu · 23/11/2017 08:40

Well, it’s not ideal, but life happens.

My mum did this- but didn’t pay the money back as she didn’t have the means, because things didn’t get better. I must admit it caused some resentment when I saw the bank book when I was a bit older. It did both typify and fuel some boundary issues between us that caused some resentment.

However, I did also understand in a certain way that she had no choice. We lived in poverty most of the time when I was growing up, just shared everything and struggled together. Everything was a struggle to survive really.

She did also in a sense pay me the money back much later- when she passed away she left me everything.

I think if she’d sat me down and explained to me at young age that she;d had to borrow it, explained why it was necessary and said both thank you and sorry, it would have been less likely to cause the issues it did.

So I think that even if you pay the money back, you should have a conversation with him about this when he is a little bit older. And maybe put a small “thank you” in money in his account when you can.

Firesuit · 23/11/2017 08:41

There are loads of savings accounts you can open for children but make withdrawals from.

Yes, I suppose if you anticipate making withdrawals before they are 18 that's what you might use. It's only if you are sure you want to lock the money away until they are adults that you would choose a CTF of Junior ISA.

ofudginghell · 23/11/2017 08:41

Either your mum was in a good position when she had her children and they were young or she's now at an age and point in life where she's forgotten how hard just paying the bills can be.
She was rude to say anything nasty to you. It's like kicking someone when they are already down.
As long as you know you can replace it all then I do t see the issue here.
My parents are in a great position now and I get annoyed with them sometimes when they have clearly forgotten how hard it can be op.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 23/11/2017 08:42

Your mum's being a dick. You havent done anything wrong at all.

Slartybartfast · 23/11/2017 08:45

I'd still bank the money and use mine to buy it.

well you essentially put your money in his account, so can can take it back at times of hardship.

INeedToEat · 23/11/2017 08:45

I have a savings account for my DS which is attached to my own current account. I'm always moving money around to cover bills. I keep a log of how much he should have in there and make sure I pay it back regularly. No big deal.

Original poster

sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 08:45

DS has something called a Save4It ISA. When we opened it it was capped at £5000 and once that limit is reached nothing else can be put in. Money could be withdrawn.

His second savings acount is a junior isa or something similar (both he and DS2 have this type of account). It requires no signatories and cannot be accesses by anyone other than themselves, in terms of withdrawing money. I can request statements to ensure money has gone in but the money can only be withdrawn by my sons once they are 18.

The first account my DS1 has is no longer available.

I can't remember who asked but it's not a trust fund, just a savings account. My mum is a signatory (thank you to the poster who said this, I had completely forgotten the word!). I needed her to help open the account due to my age but she definitely isn't on it in a trustee capacity.

OP posts:

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 23/11/2017 08:47

Thank you money ?? Thank you for what ??

Prioritising her child having a roof over his head and food in his stomach ??

It's being paid back, there's no issue at all. You've already given your child a head start in life by building savings for him in the early years when he doesnt really need money. He'll thank you for it when he's an adult and if for any reason he does find out i'm sure he'll understand.

lilybetsy · 23/11/2017 08:49

Did you give him the money or someone else? If it was you, I wouldnt worry at ALL... for all the reasons that others have said. If others did, then just make sure its repaid...

Thats all

Original poster

sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 08:53

The money is a combination of pocket money and given at Christmases and birthdays. It is a mix of money from everyone. Even if I had been the only sole contributor it would be repaid. It's a loan, without interest or affecting my credit rating, in my eyes and definitely not something I'd keep.

OP posts:

Laiste · 23/11/2017 09:02

Not sure about the idea of sitting a seven year old down and telling him you're skint and how sorry you are and how grateful you are but you have to borrow his money. And that he'll get it back with interest

More likely to give him anxiety!

Miauu · 23/11/2017 09:08

Well, people do often underestimate both the intelligence and observation powers of children Laiste, so I’m sure you’re not alone.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/11/2017 09:10

I think you did what you had to do, but I disagree with those suggesting that your mother was at fault for being critical. People have given your son money for his future, and instead the money has been (unavoidably) spent on the family's daily expenses, which was not the intention.

I probably would have discussed the situation with her before taking the money, as she is in a position of responsibility over the account until you can remove that arrangement.

jay55 · 23/11/2017 09:14

No point in ruining your credit rating and enduring bank charges when you could borrow the money from family.
Which you did.
If you’d got a load of charges your son would have suffered long term. You made the decision you had to make.

Corcory · 23/11/2017 09:21

To be honest I'm not really that sure about this idea of putting all this money aside for your child like this. If you are putting 'pocket money' in how much is he getting for it to come to that much once he is 7? Surely you are buying him treats and toys as well as putting this money away.

How much money did you anticipate your son having by the time he is 18? I for one certainly wouldn't have been safe with a large amount of money at that age.

Are you going to be able to do this for your second child? and what if you have more children?

Original poster

sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 09:35

Corcory as I've said I'm not the only one who has financed this.

He recieves maybe £300 at both Christmas and Birthday from relatives and family friends. So roughly £600 per year from that alone.
My parents pay in £15 each month in pocket money; £180 per year. Myself and my grandparents give him £20 per month so £240 each; £480 per year.

He gets over £1000 per year which until maybe his fifth birthday we banked instantly. From about his fifth birthday we kept maybe £100 sitting from birthday and christmases for him to spend, whether that was on one larger toy or several smaller things over the course of a few months.

My second son gets £20 from my grandparents; £15 from my parents and will get £20 from me starting next month.

Over the years they should get roughly the same.
Honestly if both boys had about £15k which could be put towards a house deposit, give them money to furnish the home and allow them money to travel or study without worry then so be it. They won't just be handed it and allowed to blow it.

Although I'm not too sure how or why that is relevant.

OP posts:

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/11/2017 09:36

"Thank you" money - oh for fuck sake I have heard it all, don't be ridiculous

Original poster

sailorcherries · 23/11/2017 09:37

Second son will also get money and birthdays and christmases from those who give DS1 money, but he hasn't had a birthday or christmas yet.

OP posts:

MoosicalDaisy · 23/11/2017 09:43

It's fine don't let others tell you it's not - saving up for your sons is a lovely thing to do and they will appreciate it when they are older. I don't think they would care if you had to dip in and it was paid back. They are very lucky.

Needadvicetoleave · 23/11/2017 09:45

YANBU - the alternative was debt. Using savings is always better than getting in to debt. Especially when you have a plan to repay.

LagunaBubbles · 23/11/2017 09:56

YANBU. Im in awe at the amount of money your children get/will get though.

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