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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset my DS has decided to spend Christmas with Dad

44 replies

Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 00:47

He’s 18 and I’m very aware he’s an adult, I have no issues with his Dad at all, I’m more annoyed he didn’t have the decency to discuss it with me rather than telling me by txt.

I’m also pretty annoyed he’s only told me 4 weeks before, he also has a sister who is 15 and wants to stay with me for Christmas but I’m equally sad that she will miss her big brother on the day and miss out on family time with her Dad.

The deal at the momemt is that DS gets picked up on Christmas Eve from work and goes to Dads until the 27th, DD will spend Christmas with me and get collected on the 26th and come back on the 27th.
I personally would prefer if they both went for Christmas Day and came back to me for Boxing Day, does that seem fair for

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 00:55

All?

OP posts:
RosyWelshcakes · 23/11/2017 01:01

OP, your son probably told you by text so there would be no discussions involved. He probably knew you'd try to change his mind.

Will your daughter miss her brother? I think its more than likely she'll not bother that much it, that she'll enjoy spending the day with you alone. But, if she really will miss him then suggest they both go to Dads for Christmas Day.

Brandnewstart · 23/11/2017 01:04

It's hard isn't it? Mine will be away from me on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning this year for the first time (13 and 10yrs) and I am dreading it. Other posters will say it's fair and unreasonable for you to feel like this, but you have my sympathy.

SilverySurfer · 23/11/2017 01:09

It depends. Did your DS spend Christmas Day with you last year? If so I think he is not unreasonable to want to be with his DF this year.

I don't quite understand if your DD has chosen to spend Christmas with you, why you then say you would prefer her to also go to her DF for the same period?

SilverySurfer · 23/11/2017 01:25

I meant to add, he probably told you by text because he had made up his mind and wanted to avoid a big discussion with you trying to change his mind.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/11/2017 01:29

OP I get why your sad but please don't push the 15 yo to her Dads when she wants to spend it with you.
You can make 27th the new Boxing day spent with both kids and spend actual Boxing Day doing whatever the hell you please

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 01:34

I would never have tried to change his mind, I’ve always been respectful of the fact that he’s 18 and can make his own decisions in life.

The reason I want my DD to go is because I don’t think we will both have as good Christmas together, my DS not being here will be the elephant in the room and I’d rather they both had a good time together with Dad.

I’m happy to be on my own Christmas Day and have them both back Boxing Day, but as my DS is asleep right now I’m not sure if that is an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 01:36

I’m not pushing my DD either, she seems happy with both options, but I will double check

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/11/2017 01:37

Who did they GP to last year?
Does DD want to stay so you aren't alone PR because she wants to spend Christmas with you?
You risk upsetting her if you insist you don't want her for Christmas day, which is how it will feEl

How far away are they?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/11/2017 01:37

Go

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 01:46

They normally do Boxing Day with Dad, been that way for years, no court order of 50/50 in place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 01:49

I’m not insisting anything, just giving the option, equally I don’t want my 15 year old to feel responsible for me either?

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 23/11/2017 01:54

Has DD chosen to spend Christmas with you or has her Dad not asked her?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 23/11/2017 01:56

Oh I see....Boxing day with Dad is the norm.

Right...so OP, things are changing. That's because your son is an adult now.

You HAVE to make your and DD's Christmas together special. Don't let DS's not being there be "the elephant in the room"

Discuss the day with DD positiviely and talk about how it's a "girl's Christmas" and how you can be lovely and cosy together.

She will be feeling strange about it all too so it's your job to make it wonderful and NOT strange.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 02:00

He hasn’t asked anyone, my DS has invited himself and they have arranged it all behind my back. I do feel my DD has been pressured to stay with me, that’s why I’ve said I’m happy for her to go for Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 02:05

I have discussed with DD how we can have an amazing day, they are so close though and I’m sad they won’t be together this year. I’m more annoyed about the timing, a couple of months ago we may have been able to book a restaurant

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 23/11/2017 02:19

As it is, you can spend the day in pyjamas, gorging on whatever you want and watching tv!

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 02:23

Well we are planning on binge watching Netflix but we’ll see what happens after I’ve spoken to both of them properly. 😀

OP posts:
Regressionconfession · 23/11/2017 02:38

Try not to make it an emotive issue. Speak to your son about your daughter going too and figure out a plan. They may have already spoken about it.

It’s great you don’t mind them spending it with their dad.

The fact he text suggests he was worried about your reaction. They’ll resent it if they feel you’re upset. He’s 18 ... giving you four weeks notice seems quite good going to me!

littlemisscomper · 23/11/2017 02:38

Maybe, if it's your sort of thing, make it a girlie pamper day - foot spas, face masks doing each other's nails etc.

Regressionconfession · 23/11/2017 02:39

I had a Christmas alone with my mum at a similar age and it was a lovely day!!!

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 02:46

Oh trust me, my DD already knew way before I did, no conspiracy here, like I said they are very close. We do talk, unfortunately due to work and school we’re rarely together at the same time, to actually really talk properly. But that obviously has to change soon.

OP posts:
smurfit · 23/11/2017 03:46

I don't think it's behind your back. He's made the decision and worked out the details before letting you know... and tbh, text is how many people (particularly young ones) communicate these days.

I understand it's hard but try not to take it personally. It's doubtful he meant to cause any hurt but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to try and avoid potential conflict if he thinks you might be upset about it.

NerrSnerr · 23/11/2017 03:52

I agree with not making him not being there the elephant in the room. Next year he could be working, travelling, spending the day with a partner. Things change as people grow up and you need to adapt to it.

IndianaMoleWoman · 23/11/2017 04:04

Does he perhaps have other reasons to go to his dad’s? At that age the whole “family” bit of Christmas was a bit annoying. All my mates went out on Christmas Eve, it was one of the biggest nights of the year. Being dragged out of bed to open Boots soap gift sets from well-meaning relatives (older teens are so hard to buy for) and eat a massive dinner was a pain in the arse when I was nursing a hangover. Boxing night is a big night out too for lots of young people. Or does he have a boy/girlfriend that he might want to see for a while over the festivities?

I know it’s sad but as a young adult his idea of what constitutes a good time at Christmas might have changed dramatically.

I might be totally wrong on this OP but it’s just a thought based on what I was like at that age.

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