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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so upset my DS has decided to spend Christmas with Dad

44 replies

Ilikedampcake · 23/11/2017 00:47

He’s 18 and I’m very aware he’s an adult, I have no issues with his Dad at all, I’m more annoyed he didn’t have the decency to discuss it with me rather than telling me by txt.

I’m also pretty annoyed he’s only told me 4 weeks before, he also has a sister who is 15 and wants to stay with me for Christmas but I’m equally sad that she will miss her big brother on the day and miss out on family time with her Dad.

The deal at the momemt is that DS gets picked up on Christmas Eve from work and goes to Dads until the 27th, DD will spend Christmas with me and get collected on the 26th and come back on the 27th.
I personally would prefer if they both went for Christmas Day and came back to me for Boxing Day, does that seem fair for

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 23/11/2017 08:06

YABU, what kind of message is that to send to your dd, that Christmas won't be as good with just her?

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 26/11/2017 00:20

Hi thanks for all your replies.

Managed to speak to DS this morning before he went to work and it turned out that nothing had been agreed with Dad at this point. DS has now said he’s happy to stay here for Christmas and go to Dads on Boxing Day.

I don’t know where the original decision to go to Dads came from, the only thing I can think of is that I took his sister to the cinema on Wed night and he was annoyed that he hadn’t been invited. It was a film he wouldn’t have wanted to watch though and he was in work anyway.

Both will however be going to Dads for Christmas next year, if they choose to.

I just want to say that I didn’t mean that Christmas wouldn’t be as good with just my DD, I was just taken by total surprise by the announcement and sad that we wouldn’t all be together.

It would’ve been the same whichever child wasn’t here, we’re all really close but as they both get older obviously they spend lots of time with friends and on hobbies etc so the rare times we are all together are especially important.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/11/2017 00:26

Glad it’s all been resolved Smile

Sure you’ll all have a lovely Christmas.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 26/11/2017 00:32

Thank you Anne.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 26/11/2017 00:42

DD1 has opted to work on Christmas Day as she'd rather not work NYE. She'll spend the morning here, go off to work, then to her boyfriend's for 3 days. I was quite shocked when she told me but, I wouldn't have expected her to discuss with me first. Nor do I feel she's gone behind my back. She made her plans. As she is entitled to do.

She's a young adult. We have to accept our DCs grow up, and things shift and change naturally. Parents simply won't always be the centre of it all. I really will miss her Christmas Day & Boxing Day. But she's finding her wings so, I will just have to get on with it

It's hard though. But don't see it as a betrayal. It's not.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 26/11/2017 00:55

But MistressDeeCee when did you hear of these plans?

I always involve both my DS and DD in what we are going to eat on the day, we’d already discussed this, I just think it’s rude to spring this so late in the day.

Maybe if it was a bigger group it would have been less emotive, but as there are only three of us to begin with then it does change the dynamic.

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 26/11/2017 00:59

Glad it is all sorted now, you can relax and enjoy Smile

Clandestino · 26/11/2017 01:43

Your son is an adult so he can choose who he spends the Christian with. He could even decide to be with his friends and you should be able to accept it. Instead of embarking on the road to self-imposed martyrdom by pushing your DD to spend her Christmas away from you, leaving your on your own to quietly suffer in loneliness, how about you have a chat with her about it and explain her brother is spending Christmas elsewhere. It's not the end of the world and soon she may be out of the house, spending her Christmas away from you too.
Nobody should be alone on Christmas Day but you can't nail your children to you. Children grow up and may have different ideas on spending their holidays than they used to when they were kids.

Original poster
Ilikedampcake · 26/11/2017 01:45

Clandetino how about RTFT?

OP posts:
Clandestino · 26/11/2017 07:32

* Clandetino how about RTFT?*

My reaction was to your initial post. Glad it got sorted out but honestly it looks like not thanks to you. Your initial post was all about being hurt because your DS will be away.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 26/11/2017 07:40

Clandestino don’t be a dickhead. The woman has given 18 years of love and care to her DC. Of course she’s going to miss him. But she also wants him to be independent and happy with his own choices. It’s the common inner struggle of all parents of young adults.

So have some bloody sympathy.

gamerchick · 26/11/2017 07:43

It’s like reading the wringing of hands my mother would come out with about her blue eyed boy the second coming Hmm what are you going to be like when he wants to spend Christmas at his partners?

Time to cut the cord man!

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/11/2017 11:06

No it’s not. And it’s all now resolved. OP has already said the plan is now for both DC to swap days next year and spend Christmas Day with their dad. She was confused her son was making with her and his sister for food etc and then seemed to change his mind and told her by text. She’s been calm and I haven’t seen any “hand wringing”.

gamerchick · 26/11/2017 13:11

I’m sure the correct level of emotional blackmail needed was dished out.

Still it reminded me I need to ask my own 18 yr old what his plans are for Christmas Day. Which I’ll then accept because he knows he’s welcome to change his mind at any time.

DancesWithOtters · 26/11/2017 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlakeBook · 26/11/2017 17:54

That's an awful lot of pressure on DS, to think that you and dd can't have a lovely Christmas without him.

Four weeks is a lot of notice. And a text is standard communication.

MistressDeeCee · 26/11/2017 19:17

Ilikedampcake DD told me her plans this week. As it's still only November, I don't deem this short notice. Christmas Day it will be me and DD2 only. I don't live with OH, he will be at his parents.

Be honest - even if he'd told you back in October would it have still been a problem as the main issue is, him not spending Christmas with you?

It is a hard thing to go through. I want DD1 here on Christmas Day. But, she won't be. So I understand.

But you have to learn to let go, honestly. He's going to his dad least, not a mate.

MistressDeeCee · 26/11/2017 19:20

Just realised all sorted now, that's good. Im wondering if your DS felt guilt tripped tho. But if you're all happy, that's the main thing

gingerclementine · 26/11/2017 19:25

Him not being there doesn't have to be the elephant in the room. It would be very good for you to show DD that it's possible to enjoy Christmas in all sorts of different ways noyt just when all the family are together.

Get excited and get her excited by a girly Christmas. Ring your DS and her DDad in the morning to say Happy Christmas, and again in the evening to see how their day has been, if you think that would help her. Watch girly films, buy pamper stuff for her stocking and similar stiff for yourself so you can do some of that on the day if you want.

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