To find it difficult to be 'just pleasant' to DH's Parents on Christmas Day

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I'm new here so please forgive any blunders as I bare my soul to you lovely people. So, my Father died earlier this year. Horrible time for all as it was everything I dreaded for him, a prolonged and painful death. My mother died many years ago and my MIL has always said that I was the DD she never had. I have always got on very well with FIL and MIL although they can be quite hard work and critical. We live about 3 hours drive from them and my dad lived quite near them so I was totally shocked to the core when my Father died that there no words of comfort from them. Not a sausage. (Surely it's better to say something rather than ignore the Elephant in the room.) I was even more shocked that they declared that they weren't coming to the Funeral inspite of the fact that their 3 DGC were doing readings at the Mass and had never been to a Funeral before and could have done with someone looking out for them as I was in bits. Now, 5 months later and still no acknowledgment of his death or our loss, we are charging towards Christmas Day at their house and quite frankly I can't be arsed. I can appreciate that it could be a realisation of their own mortality and it's all a bit close to home, but they go to to the Funerals of people they hardly know and then tell us all about it. DH is embarrassed by their behaviour but doesn't want to start a row which I can totally understand. Am I wrong to be miffed? Am I wrong to feel as though I'd rather stay at home alone with my Dogs on Christmas Day rather than go and pretend that they are the kind loving people I thought they were? Any advice on how to 'play nice?' Thank you

Death is awful and grief is so hard. When my father died unexpectedly, I, totally irrationally, resented my FIL for having survived him. FIL was in his 90s, with severe dementia and in a care home. For about 6 months I found seeing FIL hard and then my resentment dissolved and I found I could feel fond of my FIL without my grief for my father (which lasted a long time) getting in the way.
I totally understand how you feel and don't push yourself over Christmas. Grief is hard and catches you out, however hard you might try to be strong.

My FILs mother died in September. he and MIL chose not to go to the funeral

I know it sounds terrible, but my brother didn't go to either of my parents funerals. He chose not to. I completely understood. He was in total denial and was mentally unable to deal with it.
It happens.

Why has your DH not challeneged their behaviour?

When my Uncle died, my other uncle decided he'd 'wait a few days for sister to get over it' before he phoned - well until he got a rocket from my mum (the other sister in the trio). He wasnt adverse to dealing with death in his line of work so he couldnt use that as an excuse. He simply didnt like dealing with emotional people.

I'd be upfront and say 'I'm grieving for my Dad, his death hit me so hard I have decided to have a quiet Christmas at home, I don't feel like having a big celebration this year, just a restful day at home.'

The they will have to acknowledge your feelings which of course they should have done already. I don't actually think there are any excuses for ignoring your Dad's death they way they have done. feeling awkward, or whatever reasons anyone can come up with don;t cut it. You support those you love in hard times. I cannot imagine not going out of my way to comfort my DDIL if she lost one of her parents, I would want to do everything I could for her.

I'm so sorry for you loss, the first Christmas is always very tough and you need time and space to deal with whatever emotions may hit you on Christmas day

Christmas is likely to be difficult for you all and I'd prioritize an atmosphere of support, love, and open discussion about feelings. It sounds highly unlikely you could achieve that at PIL. I wouldn't even focus on resolving the issue....just focus on you and the DC having a peaceful time

I agree that this really ought to be the official line And if someone had shown me how little I mattered in these circumstances, I’d prioritise myself and my immediate family over in laws every time

OP that is awful and I'm appalled at your PIL behaviour. I had a similar thing happen when my DDad died many years ago,in 1984. My (now thankfully ex) MIL didn't acknowledge his death to me. In fact,until the day her son and I split up,she never said a single word about his death. It upset me,and I thought it was very strange behaviour. So YWNBU to not want to spend Christmas with them. And personally,I think your DH should have a few words with them. I regret not trying to make my exH say something to my MIL.

I really cannot understand people who do not have the compassion to express their condolences to the bereaved. What the hell is going on in their heads? Weirdos.
Seems to be it always has to be about them and what they find too “difficult”.

OP, stay at your own home for Christmas.

My mum died two yeara ago and in laws have never ever mentioned this- makes me think a lot less of them in every way x

I really cannot understand people who do not have the compassion to express their condolences to the bereaved

Especially since one can do it with a card. Really not difficult to pick up a card, write "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "thinking of you at this difficult time," sign it, address it, and put it in the mail.

I disagree that people don't do death well. I think that death shows peoples true colours.

When my mum died I called my best friend and she told me that she was busy and what did I expect her to do about it. Another acquaintance found out and wrote me a lovely letter saying how sorry she was and how I was a nice person and she was thinking of me. That was bloody lovely.

When something like that happens you find out who your real friends are and who are totally selfish b@stads that are high functioning in public.

Sorry for your loss. As you have always got on before I suspect there may be something going on here. Is it possible one of them is not well and you don't know.

When my mother died right before xmas many years ago my PIL paid for expensive last minute flights to go to the funeral, while my SIL stayed at home with my child who was too young to bring.

yours sound like selfish fuckers and I'd stay home.

I have to say I do wonder if Eltonjohnssyrup has a good point. "As you have always got on before I suspect there may be something going on here. Is it possible one of them is not well and you don't know."

Please do not go in all guns blazing, but please do not ignore this. It may well eat away at you. Either by phone, email or in person, say how you feel and ask why they have behaved as they have.

My mother died coming up three years ago my mil and sil have never mentioned it to me. I have been married to my Dh for over thirty years. I tolerate my mil as she is now very old herself but never see my sil and have no wish to. Be kind to yourself this Christmas