To find it difficult to be 'just pleasant' to DH's Parents on Christmas Day

[FlossDaily]

I'm new here so please forgive any blunders as I bare my soul to you lovely people. So, my Father died earlier this year. Horrible time for all as it was everything I dreaded for him, a prolonged and painful death. My mother died many years ago and my MIL has always said that I was the DD she never had. I have always got on very well with FIL and MIL although they can be quite hard work and critical. We live about 3 hours drive from them and my dad lived quite near them so I was totally shocked to the core when my Father died that there no words of comfort from them. Not a sausage. (Surely it's better to say something rather than ignore the Elephant in the room.) I was even more shocked that they declared that they weren't coming to the Funeral inspite of the fact that their 3 DGC were doing readings at the Mass and had never been to a Funeral before and could have done with someone looking out for them as I was in bits. Now, 5 months later and still no acknowledgment of his death or our loss, we are charging towards Christmas Day at their house and quite frankly I can't be arsed. I can appreciate that it could be a realisation of their own mortality and it's all a bit close to home, but they go to to the Funerals of people they hardly know and then tell us all about it. DH is embarrassed by their behaviour but doesn't want to start a row which I can totally understand. Am I wrong to be miffed? Am I wrong to feel as though I'd rather stay at home alone with my Dogs on Christmas Day rather than go and pretend that they are the kind loving people I thought they were? Any advice on how to 'play nice?' Thank you

So sorry for your loss OP. I've lost both my parents and I know how it feels.

Even now I feel Christmas is something just to get through so in your shoes I wouldn't be putting myself out for anyone.

And your DH needs to step up to the mark and tell his parents they have behaved appallingly.

Don’t go. Don’t do that to yourself on what could be a difficult day. I’m so sorry for your loss

You don’t need to be trying to put on a brave face to save their feelings when they don’t care about yours.

My dad came to the funeral when my ex husband’s Dad died. He flew in off a 10 hour flight and drove for 3 hours to be with us and had to drive back straight after the wake. He’d met MIL at the wedding and never met FIL.

It was a very difficult day and he came to be there for me and for my ex (obviously we were still together at the time). It meant the world to me and it was years ago but I might thank him again.

Not trying to make things worse for you in comparison, only to say it’s a more than fair expectation they’d have been there. And at the least they absolutely should have sent you a card or called and said they were sorry for your loss. It’s reallt not that hard.

How difficult is it to say:

I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry to hear about your Mum/Dad.

And the response can simply be:

Thank you.

Then the subject can be changed and you both move on.

This is terrible.

I think you should try to have a conversation with them before xmas day saying to them how you felt when they did not mention your father's death, did not attend the funeral to support you and their grandchildren, and have never mentioned it since.

This isn't like crossing the road because you don't know what to say to widowed Susie from the gym (bad as that is). This is a member of their family. Their grandchildren were bereaved and involved in a funeral for a close family member and they didn't attend. It is mind boggling to me.

Honestly my love, don't go if you're banking on opening up the opportunity to talk about it. People who are so repressed they can't bring themselves to say "I'm sorry for your loss" are unlikely to initiate such a conversation and extremely likely to clam up if you try.

If you want to stay away, stay away. Balls to not rocking the boat, this is your first Christmas without your DDad and why the hell should you spend it with people who've behaved so hurtfully? I'd bloody well expect DH to have addressed it with them by now, too. Btw I lost my dad last year and my mum years ago too, so I'm sending hugs - I know how rubbish it feels and I also know how important it is for those close to you to acknowledge your loss in some way. (DP and I had only been together 18 months when Dad died and his parents had never met him, but they sent a card and came to the funeral too).

Why hasn’t your OH spoken to his parents and asked them what is going on? He should have done their, been looking out for you. Saying he doesn’t want a row is all very well but it is a cop out. They are adults and are capable at the very least, of saying they are sorry for your loss.

If you want to have Christmas without them at home then go ahead and do that. It should be about what you want and need. It might well be part of the healing process for you as you come to terms with your loss.

Having lost both parents, the most shocking was the treatment from friends, many of whom couldn't say a word to me.

Your DH should support you.

For me, the last place I would want to be at Christmas, the hardest time of the year when you have lost a loved one, is with people who couldn't be bothered to acknowledge that loss.

My mother died earlier this year. There are a couple of people (friends/aquaintances) who said/did absolutely nothing to me about it, either before, during or after the event. I haven't forgotten and I have to say that I view them differently now.

But your ILs? That is a whole other league. I don't blame you for feeling hurt and angry.

for you.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

I had a similar thing when my father died - literally not one phone call to see how I was doing. I had let my ILs get away with so many other things - soo much rudeness - but, to me, that really told me how things were. It's not my idea of 'family' that's for sure.

Personally, I would stay home and let them know that you're still grieving and will be spending Christmas with people who are supporting you through that. I'm sure there are ways of saying that which get the point across without causing ructions.

I find this to be a shocking and cold attitude. My MIL died this year and not only did my parents come but so did my good friends

It's not 'cold', it's just different. My PIL didn't come to my father's or my mother's or my brother's funeral. It would have been rather odd if they had. They live 300 miles apart and don't even know each other, having only met once 25 years ago at our wedding. Not all 'in-law' families are able to be close knit, due to circumstances or distance.
It doesn't make them 'cold'. They did send me a card of condolence each time. Which was lovely of them, and much appreciated by me.

When my mum died, my brother's in laws didn't contact my dad as apparently they were too upset.

Folk can be very strange around death.

But life is short. Do what makes you feel better. Or the better person.

OP so sorry about this. My mum died last year and my in-laws were due to go on holiday at that time. I believe they offered to not go on their holiday! We chose to wait and have the funeral when they were back and that was what we did.

I think in your shooes I would tell your dh that you want to go and visit them before Christmas and clear the air. Either with the kids or find someone to mind the kids for a day (I know tough but that is what I would do) and I would just go and talk about it with them.

Based on how well it went I would decide whether or not to go at Christmas.

If you want to be with the dogs at home, do that; if you want your dh to stay with you and the kids, ask/tell him to do it; if you want to go and play nice with them, do it.

But for your own piece of mind, deal with this issue now. The upset and anger you feel may not go away and if there is any reason at all why they did not say anything then you need to hear it and they need to hear how hurtful that choice was, IMHO.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Floss

My stbex PIL were exactly the same after my mum died except they weren't nice or loving beforehand either. I went NC shortly after as it was unbearable to be around them. Now divorcing their son and couldn't be happier to be getting rid of them. I mean, not even a word to their distraught grandchildren who had lost their beloved Nonna. I think MIL saw it as nothing more than creating a vacancy for alpha Granny, a role she couldn't fill if she tried

I wouldn't be able to go and play nicey nice either.

But life is short. Do what makes you feel better. Or the better person.

Why does putting up with behaviour that really upsets you make you a better person?? Why does letting people away with bad behaviour make you a better person??

It doesn't.

Ditto to "do what makes you feel better" - if I did what made me feel better in the moment god knows what my kids and husband and friends would be like right now with me - probably absent.

Do what you think is right after careful thought and consideration of your emotions. I think most of us would agree that it is right to want a major bereavement to be acknowledged by people who are close to you. So call them on it. They may themselves feel they majorly f-ed up and be feeling bad too. It might be ok to clear the air.

So sorry for your loss OP. One of the most comforting things about my parents' deaths was that the people in our lives - in laws, friends -
treated it as important - my MIL coming to the funeral to help mind our small kids, my BILS and their wives travelling because they knew how much this mattered to me. When people die, generally there isn't a public outcry or a parade or a public funeral. But those people were just as important and loved as those who get that public stuff. When the people in our lives acknowledge our loss and take the time to salute our loved ones and stand with us at the funeral it really does support the bereaved but also acknowledge the importance of ordinary people.

I'm sorry for your loss and that you have been so badly let down Flossdaily!

Their rabbit in headlight reaction is probably more common than you'd think. People will cross a street to avoid talking to someone recently bereaved.

I think it is partly embarrassment and fear of possible shows of emotion but mainly a deep fear of making it worse by saying the wrong thing.

I was probably a bit like this myself until inside experience showed me that even 'the wrong thing' won't make it worse. (Nothing can really.)

If you've been close I wonder if you could write to them. You could tell them you love them and have always enjoyed spending time with them but are hurt that they haven't acknowledged your Dad's death and weren't there to support your family when you needed support and you're not sure how to fix that. You could tell them that you're worried about spending Christmas with them because it will feel awkward and uncomfortable if this isn't dealt with. Ask for their help.

We aren't going to my PILS this Christmas. My FILs mother died in September. he and MIL chose not to go to the funeral. My DH went (I was not able to due to it being a fair distance away and child care issues)

We are going to visit for 2 nights in January which is the most we can handle. The kids are disappointed though and want to go for longer.

Its a horrible feeling isn't it, seeing someone in a whole new light.

Im sorry for the loss of your dad

Rainbowqueeen do you know why your FIL and MIL chose not to go to your husband's grandmother's funeral?

I do think it is very odd behaviour but I also feel people can choose not to attend a funeral if they wish not to. It could be for many reasons.

No reason given

Definitely not money related and not family issues related

FIL has always been very selfish and narcissistic generally. So in some ways not a total shock.

But I literally cannot imagine not going to your own mothers funeral when there were no family issues or money issues

Averylongtimeago that is completely awful.

OP they have behaved badly, but even if they hadn't it would have been fine to stay home this year.

I am so sorry FlossDaily.

So much of the future will be awkward and miserable if you don't clear this up with your PIL. Either you or your husband will have to broach the subject and find out what's going on. Hopefully they will realise their mistake and apologise.

So many people excusing rudeness under the guise of 'death makes people feel awkward' sorry, I don't buy it. It's not hard to be polite (exceptions are there - some may be terribly traumatised etc and unable to be around death, but these people will be few) and just say 'I'm sorry for your loss. Can I help you with anything?' Surely that's easier than crossing the road and avoiding them forever?
Ring theory - basic premise is that comfort flows in and sadness flows out. No one lays their shit at the door of the bereaved, but offers support and comfort.
I'm not sure when we all became so socially inept that we can't even utter a few phrases to make fellow human beings feel better. Especially those we proclaim to be close to and love.
I'm so sorry for your loss OP, I have no advice other than do what feels right to you. I hope you raise a glass to your dad on Christmas Day

I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is difficult no matter how old we are when it happens.

I think you should do whatever you want on Christmas. If that is going and asking in the middle of dinner why they didn't come or send a card or anything, and then just being really quiet while you wait for them to say something, do it (it might be fun). If that is telling your husband you can't be arsed to do Christmas this year, and have decided the tradition of a year of morning with NO social obligations actually makes a lot of sense, do it.

I also think you could have a little chat about with your husband about the fact that he put going along with his parents above supporting you when you needed him. If he had done the decent thing and just made a call to them MONTHS ago and told them to pop a card in the mail, this whole thing could have been avoided.

But I'm an American. We tend to be loud and to say what we think. My poor British husband would never use "I didn't want to start a row" as an excuse to not do something that I wanted him to do. He'd be afraid of what I would do in response. Whatever you do, I do think it would be good to scare your husband away from EVER saying those words to you again. That was just unacceptable thing to say.

So sorry for your loss and that they’re not acknowledging such a difficult time for you. Tell your husband that because of this you would like to be at home as you are so shocked by their attitude that you wouldn’t be able to relax at Christmas with them. You need to be at home and concentrate on the family out have together.

You have together.