Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To find it difficult to be 'just pleasant' to DH's Parents on Christmas Day

114 replies

FlossDaily · 22/11/2017 21:11

I'm new here so please forgive any blunders as I bare my soul to you lovely people. So, my Father died earlier this year. Horrible time for all as it was everything I dreaded for him, a prolonged and painful death. My mother died many years ago and my MIL has always said that I was the DD she never had. I have always got on very well with FIL and MIL although they can be quite hard work and critical. We live about 3 hours drive from them and my dad lived quite near them so I was totally shocked to the core when my Father died that there no words of comfort from them. Not a sausage. (Surely it's better to say something rather than ignore the Elephant in the room.) I was even more shocked that they declared that they weren't coming to the Funeral inspite of the fact that their 3 DGC were doing readings at the Mass and had never been to a Funeral before and could have done with someone looking out for them as I was in bits. Now, 5 months later and still no acknowledgment of his death or our loss, we are charging towards Christmas Day at their house and quite frankly I can't be arsed. I can appreciate that it could be a realisation of their own mortality and it's all a bit close to home, but they go to to the Funerals of people they hardly know and then tell us all about it. DH is embarrassed by their behaviour but doesn't want to start a row which I can totally understand. Am I wrong to be miffed? Am I wrong to feel as though I'd rather stay at home alone with my Dogs on Christmas Day rather than go and pretend that they are the kind loving people I thought they were? Any advice on how to 'play nice?' Thank you

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 22/11/2017 22:00

I am so sorry my dear .
I wonder if your in laws for whatever reason were/are either jealous of your DF with you and your DC .
OR just didn't like him or are just plain horrible!
I think it is entirely fine for you to not go to your in laws for Christmas and to stay at home. I am appalled that they are behaving this way and your DH really needs to say something to them without involving you .They really are not very thoughtful I am sorry my dear , hugs galore.

mikado1 · 22/11/2017 22:02

So so upsetting, and my PIL have done similar - travelled hours and stayed a few days to help at one of their DIL's P's funeral, and didn't go to another - much closer - and never mentioned it afterwards. Horrendous. I'm afraid I'd only get satisfaction with an explanation or being able to pointedly ignore them heretofore. for you and sorry for the loss of your dad.

Kintan · 22/11/2017 22:04

That’s awful. Why hasn’t your DH pulled them up about this already? I don’t think I could be in the same room as them for a long time. My now PiL came to my mum’s funeral even though they had never met her, and I had only been dating their son for a few months. They do not deserve a family Christmas with you all

Original poster

FlossDaily · 22/11/2017 22:09

Thank you all. As some of you have said... 'I'm so sorry' followed by a hug would have meant so much. The Funeral thing didn't bother me apart from the fact their 3 GC could have done with someone they knew supporting them. Very kind of all of you for taking the time to respond when IL's I have known for much of my life haven't. I will probably turn up on Christmas Day but just go through the motions which will be noticed, and may open the opportunity to talk and find out their reasons. I think the lack of a spinal cord on their part may be to blame. Thank you again

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 22/11/2017 22:10

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Honestly, I think an 'air clearing' might be what needs to happen. If your DH won't do it, do it yourself. I wouldn't say 'why didn't you come to the funeral/send a card/flowers, etc'. Don't frame it with reference to going to theirs on Xmas. There's nothing wrong with simply saying that you were hurt by their lack of any expression of sympathy when your dad died.

They were wrong in ignoring your sorrow. And only you can decide if you want to carry that resentment around or if you'd rather try to express your feelings and hopefully be able to let it go.

JackietheBackie · 22/11/2017 22:11

I am so sorry for your loss. I can completely understand your rage at them and you should not be put in a position of having to tiptoe around THEIR feelings, especially at Christmas. They should have gone to his funeral to support you and their Grandchildren and if they couldn't manage that, then a thoughtful letter or card at the very least. I hope you and your children can share some lovely memories of you Dad (and Mum) before his illness, and have a cry and a laugh in the comfort of your own home. Your husband needs to let them know that you guys are having a small quiet Christmas this year and on no account are they to try and offload their guilt about their poor behaviour onto you.

Chickoletta · 22/11/2017 22:12

Awful behaviour from PILs but I think I'm more annoyed by your DH's 'let's not rock the boat' attitude. I can totally empathise with that one as my MIL is the absolute bane of our lives but DH lets her get away with really shitty behaviour because he wants a quiet life.

Can't he have a quiet word with them?

I agree with PPs who've said stay at home. Better all round than spending Christmas Day seething. That's how I'll be spending Boxing Day.

Chickoletta · 22/11/2017 22:15

By the way, when my dad died my MIL turned up at my mum's house an hour before the funeral and talked incessantly about her forthcoming colonoscopy and in depth details about her bowel problems - we would have all loved her to stay away!

Scruffette · 22/11/2017 22:17

to be honest I wouldn't necessarily expect in-laws to be at each other's funerals

I find this to be a shocking and cold attitude. My MIL died this year and not only did my parents come but so did my good friends though all had to travel two hours and more. They did that to show my dh (and me) their support in his time of difficulty. One of his friends flew from abroad.
It is a hollow society that does not rally in times of crisis.

DenPerry · 22/11/2017 22:20

for you. People are weird. I never realised how much until my dad died and close friends went quiet and still haven’t heard anything three years later. People started talking about how great their dads are weeks after it happened.

buckeejit · 22/11/2017 22:23

I agree scruff. Op, I'm sorry for your loss. Yes I can understand some thinking its a bit pointless but it's a way to show support for those who are left & Id be approaching this situation with in laws if your DH doesn't first, (preferred option)

You need to address this § be honest about your feelings, otherwise resentment will grow & further damage your relationship.

Ceto · 22/11/2017 22:24

It's not in the least shocking or cold, Scruffette. My in-laws lived over 200 miles away from my parents and only met them shortly before and at our wedding, and at son's christening. It would have been a little strange for them to show up at my father's funeral, in those circumstances; my children and I got all the support we needed from DH, each other and my siblings. I've been to a number of other funerals where the situation has been the same. I fully recognise that OP's circumstances may be different, and it needs to be accepted that that can be the case without deciding that people are in some way acting in a shocking or cold manner.

Lanaorana2 · 22/11/2017 22:26

Don't go if you don't feel like it, but make an excuse not a row. Some people really are too repressed to say these things. Others are unbelievably tactless, so be glad you didn't get that, is all. Nice people screw up in these situations all the time.

Your grief is colouring your view of PIL - be careful before you let the dead damage the living, not generally a good idea.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/11/2017 22:26

I’m sorry to hear about your Dad 💐

The children & I would be staying home for Christmas. DH could choose where he spent the day, but if he went, he’d better take a large bag because he wouldn’t be coming back.

Their behaviour is totally unacceptable.

You have lost your Dad, this Christmas will be hard, don’t put yourself through hell to ‘keep the peace’.

Tell DH he better ask Santa for a spine.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 22/11/2017 22:27

Don't rock the boat.
Tip the fucking thing right over.
Tell dh he is welcome to share Christmas with his dps if he wishes but you and your ddogs are having a relaxing day at home .

Winebottle · 22/11/2017 22:27

People can be awkward about death. I never know what to say to people who have lost a relative. Nothing you can say will make it better so it is difficult. When I have lost relatives, I always feel awkward when people offer condolences. I don't know I'm supposed to react.

I know the etiquette is to acknowledge death so it is poor behaviour but I can understand it.

As for the funeral, attendance is a personal thing and is entirely optional.

I totally get why your hurt and I'm sure it feels like a kick in the teeth from someone you thought was close but I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt you.

I don't think engaging in tit for tat behaviour is the way forward. You have to try to accept their decisions and move on from it. Don't direct your anger at them.

I think of it like not receiving an invitation you were expecting. You know they were not obliged to invite you but it hurts anyway. The best way to deal with it is take the hit and not say anything.

givemestrengthorgin · 22/11/2017 22:28

This is terrible. I would really struggle to move on from that and maintain any civility towards them. Did they know your Dad if they lived nearby? Could there have been some ill feeling between them that you weren't aware of? Regardless, inexcusable to not offer you any support or comfort when it was very much needed. Sorry you are having to spend time worrying about this.

Viviennemary · 22/11/2017 22:33

Don't go if you don't want to. . But sending cards and letters to bereaved people isn't done as much these days but not to mention anything is a bit strange. . And inlaws don't usually come to funerals of each other as far as I am aware especially if a distance to travel is involved.

Maybe they just don't know how to deal with things and are frightened to say the wrong thing. I wouldn't write them off as uncaring if they haven't been in the past.

Doublegloucester · 22/11/2017 22:33

My dad died this year and pils didn't come to funeral. Sent card but never bothered ringing my mum or anything. Fil made a really thoughtless joke a few months after it had happened, no apology, nothing and brushing under carpet by mil. So no particular advice but I really feel for you

KERALA1 · 22/11/2017 22:38

Don't go. Fear if I were you I would be so angry I would blurt something out after a few drinks which would probably make everything worse.

Shocking behaviour though. Ils really let me down both the times I needed help from them and it has totally soured the relationship. Barely see them now.

NoKidsTwoCats · 22/11/2017 22:43

That is awful! They haven't said a single word to acknowledge your loss? Not being at the funeral I can kind of get if they weren't close. But if they find it difficult to bring up they could, at the very least, write a sympathetic card, send flowers etc to at least acknowledge and let you know you're in their thoughts.

I'm so sorry op.

BackforGood · 22/11/2017 22:47

to be honest I wouldn't necessarily expect in-laws to be at each other's funerals

Nor me. In fact I was quite cross at my PiLs turning up and giving it large at my Mum's funeral when they had done NOTHING to support us in the previous 3 months which were an incredibly difficult time for us (combination of reasons).
I am also aware that a surprisingly high number of people don't know what to say and feel very awkward, so don't say anything - it is about their social awkwardness, not how close they are to you, or to the person who has died. Not of course that would prevent them popping a card in the post to you.
However, there is nothing wrong with you saying to your dh that you just don't want to be celebrating elsewhere this yar so want to stay home just with your house family, if that is what you want to do..... 'firsts' (Christmas, birthday, anniversary, etc) can stir strong emotions.

StaplesCorner · 22/11/2017 22:49

I will probably turn up on Christmas Day but just go through the motions which will be noticed, and may open the opportunity to talk and find out their reasons.

I think thats the worst thing you could do. But then again ...

The best way to deal with it is take the hit and not say anything.

Floellabumbags · 22/11/2017 22:54

I'd avoid it. I'd tell them that, as it's your first Christmas without your father, you'd like to stay home and keep it low key. Then I'd get your DH to put his big boy pants on and ask them what they're playing at.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I've no words of wisdom about how to get over it because losing my Dad was incredibly painful. Some days the memories are happy though and I think being able to laugh at his bonkers moments helps

LaContessaDiPlump · 22/11/2017 22:54

I'm sorry op.

My mum died (we had a difficult relationship so that was fraught in any case) and people came out of the woodwork from all over to express condolences, which was very kind. BUT my BIL and SIL didn't say a word. We're not close so I didn't expect them to, but later that year we met them at MIL's house and my mother was directly mentioned; they both looked awkward as fuck and changed the subject. I still haven't forgiven them for their fucking ignorance of basic human manners. Not that they've noticed, as we aren't close

Go through the motions, but if they ask what's wrong then maybe you should explain how hurt you were that they didn't acknowledge your father's death. Just that, nothing else. Their response will be telling.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5