To find it difficult to be 'just pleasant' to DH's Parents on Christmas Day

[FlossDaily]

I'm new here so please forgive any blunders as I bare my soul to you lovely people. So, my Father died earlier this year. Horrible time for all as it was everything I dreaded for him, a prolonged and painful death. My mother died many years ago and my MIL has always said that I was the DD she never had. I have always got on very well with FIL and MIL although they can be quite hard work and critical. We live about 3 hours drive from them and my dad lived quite near them so I was totally shocked to the core when my Father died that there no words of comfort from them. Not a sausage. (Surely it's better to say something rather than ignore the Elephant in the room.) I was even more shocked that they declared that they weren't coming to the Funeral inspite of the fact that their 3 DGC were doing readings at the Mass and had never been to a Funeral before and could have done with someone looking out for them as I was in bits. Now, 5 months later and still no acknowledgment of his death or our loss, we are charging towards Christmas Day at their house and quite frankly I can't be arsed. I can appreciate that it could be a realisation of their own mortality and it's all a bit close to home, but they go to to the Funerals of people they hardly know and then tell us all about it. DH is embarrassed by their behaviour but doesn't want to start a row which I can totally understand. Am I wrong to be miffed? Am I wrong to feel as though I'd rather stay at home alone with my Dogs on Christmas Day rather than go and pretend that they are the kind loving people I thought they were? Any advice on how to 'play nice?' Thank you

Some people just don’t know how to behave around the bereaved & sort of bury their heads in the sand.

Dh is a bit I don’t want to say anything as I may upset them further.

It’s taken me a long time to get him to realise that you can’t be upset further by someone offering condolences & a hug but you can be by someone ignoring it.

My fabulous FIL died earlier this year & I’d have gone mad at my family if they had behaved as your inlaws have.

it’s a difficult time. Be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry for your loss and don’t blame you for feeling how you do. Although my parents don’t know my in laws very well and vice versa my dh has been part of our family and I’ve been part of his for over a decade so I’d find it very very odd if a loss went I acknowledged
I’d also think my parents would attend his parents funerals and vice versa
If you previously had a good relationship maybe you should try and talk it over

I think DH should have a conversation with them about their behaviour. He can say you are still upset over your loss and want a quiet Xmas. He can say he was surprised they didn't come to the funeral etc.
It gives them a chance to explain.

My fil (who split up with mil many years ago and remarried) didn't mention my mother's death either. His wife said she was sorry to hear of it (when I met her in passing) but my fil never said a word to me about it. My mother and I were close and her death was a terrible blow to me so I thought he was pig bloody ignorant not to even acknowledge it. It's fine though...it was further evidence of his lack of regard for me in general, which was apparent already. It simply solidified my resolve not to make the slightest bit of effort for him going forward. And I don't. I am polite to him in person but that's it. I don't go out of my way in any sense for him. I have no warmth for him whatsoever.

When it comes to death, my parents are terrible at expressing feelings of sorrow, anger, disappointment etc. In fact they don't show emotions at all. At an uncle's funeral a few years back they went through the motions but offered no sympathy or efforts to console my aunt at all.

My in-laws are the opposite. They will cry, and wail, and hug each other, get a bit drunk, and make too much noise. I like that about them.

Some people cannot handle huge emotions either their own or others, so sweep it all under the metaphorical carpet. I suspect this to be the case for your PILs.

I would just ask them about it. Get it out in the open.

Perhaps they are funeral car chasers. I know a few elderly people who find funerals a good day out where you get to see lots of people and have a nice buffet. I am not joking.

Seriously though, you may have the same problem as I had. My MIL was nice and pleasant to my face and I thought we had an OK relationship. I included her quite a lot on our lives. Then, when I had some serious issues in my life I received zero sympathy from her. In fact, she kicked me and some when I was down. I was really shocked by her behaviour and I took a few steps back and emotionally detached myself. I feel that she is someone who would revel in any misfortune I have.

This was quite a while ago. It took me a while to see it and I felt stupid that I had missed it before. It is her loss though as she is really massive on family and we hardly see her at all because I don't trust her as far as I could throw her.

Did you actually ask PIL to help?

It sounds like you expected them to offer. But maybe they were just giving you space out of respect. Crossed wires?

I am very sorry for your loss

Do whatever works for you, to get through Christmas. If that is quietly at home with your nearest and dearest, just do it. Certainly no pandering to IL who have already demonstrated that they feel (at best) awkward around your loss. The lack of acknowledgement in private is for me more important than not attending the (public) funeral, but i can see that attending the funeral might be seen by some as an expression of their sorrow.

Think that Melony has got it right, and if even that good advice is too much, your DH could sympathise with their feeling awkward. In reply, they surely wouldn't say, yes we feel too awkward to mention it but still want you to spend Christmas with us and just pretend / ignore your loss? What they do say might cast some light on their approach, which for me might go some small way towards understanding.

In the face of your grief, though, it's about being kind to yourself & getting through the season as best you can, keeping DC & DH close, with no need to worry about anyone else just for now.

It's a good few years since we lost my father, at this time of year. I'm usually very sociable but that year hardly joined in anything. No need to criticise anyone for feeling differently but certainly no desire to spend any time with people who felt differently, We got through the time with kindness and slowly picked up the threads of life again. Especially no need to rush, take your time and trust that it will get better.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. I’ve been there. Your PILs have behaved terribly and your DH should be ashamed of himself for not standing up to them.

However... I’m not sure Christmas is the right moment to air this grievance. It sounds like you’re planning to make it very clear that you’re not happy with them, which will (hopefully) force them to ask what’s wrong, thus giving you your opportunity to say your piece. I totally agree something needs to be said but I think this approach may very well blow up in your face and ruin everyone’s Christmas, including your children. I know you are very hurt but don’t let that cloud your judgment, or you may give your PILs an excuse to be angry with you, and that’s the last thing you want. I say either clear the air before Christmas or don’t go at all.

Good luck.

I’m so sorry about your Dad OP, it’s our first Christmas without my Mum this year and I’m dreading it.
I think your DH should speak up for you in this instance, he doesn’t want a row yet he’s perfectly happy to let his parents hurt you?
My BIL was a rock throughout Mum’s last weeks and in the months after too, he just made it clear he was there and would do whatever we needed (babysitting, coming to the funeral, even just sitting with me during the day if I was struggling). My PIL have both gone now, so he is it for inlaws and I really appreciated it.
OP do what you need to do on Christmas Day, if that means staying home well that’s fine too. You’re grieving, you’re hurt, and they’ve done fuck all.

So sorry for your loss. Your first Christmas with him will be hard. My parents died six years ago, and I find them to be constantly on my mind at this time of year, my heart aches from missing them. So no, stay at home, be kind to yourself. Your DH should be supporting you, and should have talked to his parents long before now.

That's dreadful. They should absolutely have offered you at the very least a basic condolence, even if they didn't want to attend the funeral.
I'm disgusted with them too and don't blame you for not wishing to spend time with them.

However, this is going to drag on and on unless you bring it up, so I think you need to do just that - either that, or get your DH to do it. Clear the air.
If it means you have an almighty row about it, then so be it - but you can't have this atmosphere of unresolved issues forever more.

Talk to your H and tell him how you feel and how Christmas will be very difficult if the air isn’t cleared before then. Not wanting to start a row is a lame arse excuse for not supporting you.

I think we're very bad at dealing with death and bereavement in this country. I think maybe it's a cultural thing, and that since we've stopped doing the sort of formal mourning that the Victorians did, we've not replaced those customs with anything else. This means that some people literally don't know how to behave.

Many years ago, my NDN's teenage son died in an accident. When I saw the dad in the street, I just said how sorry I was and that he was a lovely boy (which he was). My neighbour thanked me, and went on to say "I've lived in this street my whole life, and there are people I've known all my life who cross the street to avoid having to say anything". I was shocked and resolved always to say something, even if it's only "sorry".

My ex-MIL never said a word when either of my parents died, a few months apart. But she was a vile old bat who only cared about herself.

Your PILs have been very insensitive, OP, and I would explain to your DH that it's too soon for you to spend an emotional day with people who have not acknowledged your loss and grief in any way. Tell him you want to keep the first Christmas without your father to just your immediate family. All these milestones (first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary of death etc) are all very raw.

YANBU, they sound crass and uncaring, and your DH should support you in this.

It’s times like these that you must not underestimate the importance, in fact the necessity, of putting yourself first. It’s hard to do when you are used to doing the opposite but it does need to happen occasionally and this is one such time.
It doesn’t matter why they haven’t acknowledged it (terrible behaviour). What matters is how that’s made you feel on top of your grief over losing your dad.
And how that will make you feel if you have to spend Christmas-an emotionally charged time anyway-with them off the back of that.
Please say to your dh that for this year, whilst you are healing and coming to terms, you just want to be at home with him and your dc’s. That’s all you can manage. That is what will help you.
And if the PIL don’t like it then that’s quite frankly, hard luck to them. It’s one day out of their lives, they will get over it. You might struggle more if you have to spend it with people who don’t even have the decency to offer you the care and support they should-or actually just behave with manners and acknowledge someone else’s grief.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

It always seems so sad to me when families go straight from an upset to ‘right, that’s it’ and never spending Christmas with them again etc.

Is there any way that DH, or even you, can begin a conversation (not a text exchange!) that begins something like this “Mum, I need to talk with you about Floss. This Christmas is her first since her Dad died and she needs to know that we are all sensitive to that. It’s hard because she doesn’t know where you stand as you didn’t attend the funeral etc”

Or even

“You know how you always said I am the Dd you never had? Could I talk to you about something? I am feeeling quite lonely after the death of my Dad and I really missed you and your support at the time. I felt....”

People make mistakes. People don’t know how to act. Maybe they are just callous selfish insensitive dolts, but given that they are your DH’s parents it might be worth opening up the conversation.

Though your ‘hard work’ comment comes through loud and clear.

You have a right, within a family, to explain how you feel. You can’t tell others how to behave but you can tell them how you feel.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

There is no justification for your PIL not acknowledging your DF’s passing in any way. How is it difficult to buy a sympathy card and send you some flowers if they struggle to talk about death when with you?

They should have been there for your DGCs as well.

I would agree. Your DH needs to have a proper conversation with them about it. And you should have a Christmas at home if that’s what you need this year.

So sorry for your loss.

I fear that if you go and just "go through the motions" you will just seethe with resentment, have a terrible time and in your heart, never forgive them.

To be honest, I would absolutely forget about them right now. They did nothing - and so you owe them nothing in return!!!!

Their invite at Christmas is just forcing you to see them when you are grieving and not well and have reason to be mad at them.

Why do you owe them a Christmas together? You do not.

Put your relationship with them in a drawer for now. Come back to it later when you feel a bit more yourself.

Your husband can explain that as it is the first Christmas without your dad, you just want to be at home. There's nothing bitter or confrontational in that. If they want to express their condolences at that point, let them, thank them, and then still spend Christmas at home.

Regardless of their shitty behaviour it would still be 100% understandable if you didn't want to go, even if they had been the epitome of sympathy.

This is going to be a hard Christmas - please, OP, put yourself first, take a stand and just have it at home.

Don't make yourself do this.

Don't go. Just have a Christmas at home with your h and kids.
Don't go.

Sorry for your loss. My mil was v surprised that my dm and her husband came to fil's funeral. They lived nearby and were on ok terms, but from her point of view 'they had never had much to do with us before'. Which was totally true, I myself was surprised they came, but they are slightly professional funeral goers having been in the clergy. Honestly, I think your pil really messed up. Something to do with not knowing how to talk about it/different ideas about etiquette/not being sure what role to take or just being obtuse and caught up with themselves. Expressing something like 'I wish you had supported us at Dad's funeral or around that time - I'm feeling a bit let down' . Or giving that as a reason for not getting together. But do what's best for you to get past it in the longer term - whatever that is and taking DH feelings into account too.

This is difficult. I'm sorry for your loss. When DF died, a friend called my SIL to tell her. I was separated from XH by then. DF had made endless, embarrassing amounts of fuss over being friendly with the in-laws, buying lots of gifts at Christmas etc. While I knew that I would persona non grata after separating, I hadn't expected the reaction that I got from them.

My friend, who knew SIL, explained what had happened, and SIL said 'What do you want me to say?' I have never forgiven the old cow and I thank God that I never have to see her again.

I think you need to have a word with your DH and say that you would prefer to spend Christmas at home alone with him and your DC. Either way, something needs to be said to sort this out.

I am also sorry for your loss OP. There is no way I would subject myself or the DC to Christmas with PIL that had ignored such a monumentally sad event in our lives. Christmas is likely to be difficult for you all and I'd prioritize an atmosphere of support, love, and open discussion about feelings. It sounds highly unlikely you could achieve that at PIL. I wouldn't even focus on resolving the issue....just focus on you and the DC having a peaceful time

And your DH can use those exact words to explain to PIL why you're not coming if they require explanation.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that is an unforgivable reaction from your in-laws. I would feel the same way as you and would definitely not go and play happy families at Christmas time.

Don't let this wreck your Xmas. Why should you have to be miserable all day because of them. So you need to either stay at home or tackle it with them.
For the sake of your long term relationship, I would be tempted to phone them and ask why they behaved like that.
"Hey FIL, something has upset me and it's weighing on my mind so I'd like to sort it out. Can I ask why you didn't offer me any sympathy or support when DF died? You didn't offer any condolences even though it has been a terrible time for all of us. We could have really done with your support at the funeral, especially the DC. It has really upset me. Is there any reason why? "