AIBU to be annoyed with manipulative PILs?

[ginghamstarfish]

PILs live a 2 hour drive away (horrible dangerous drive especially in bad weather, very rural/hilly on tiny narrow roads). They are fit and active, wealthy, (eg just flew first class on longhaul hols). FIL had a minor day surgery procedure booked for this week, and would not be able to drive himself home after it, and MIL does not drive. No shortage of taxi firms in their town, they have many friends there etc, but they manipulated my DH into taking 2 days off work and acting as an unpaid taxi service. As they know full well, it took only 'oh, don't know what we'll do ...' etc for him to feel he had to offer. Yes, his decision but that's the way he is and we all know it (and shouldn't take advantage of his kind nature). I said he should tell them about Red Cross transport if they don't want to pay for taxis, as I have used for many hospital appointments when I could not drive after recent surgery. This prompted 'why do you hate my parents' etc so I can't say anything about it now without coming across as a cold-hearted evil cow. But I'm annoyed! Visiting someone who's ill, yes of course, that's a different matter entirely, but this is literally just going there as a chauffeur - 2 hours to get there the day before - they insisted he arrive for lunchtime, (and very early hospital appt next morning), 1 hour each way to hospital, back to the house to wait with MIL, 1 hour each way back to hospital to collect FIL, then he will drive 2 hours home tonight in the dark (on the 'death road' as I think of it) as he can't have another day off, and will arrive back completely knackered. I might be coming across here as unsympathetic but it's really bugged me as it seems so selfish and demanding. Perhaps I should ask them to come here and drive me to my next hospital appointment?

Only a couple of PPs have picked up on the fact that the OP has had health problems and surgeries herself and hasn't, for whatever reason, had her dh driving her. From that perspective, him rushing off for 2 days to drive his father to day surgery may well feel rather galling.

Having done one of my three births without dh (or another birth partner) and had four ERPCs and a uterine biopsy which I've gone in for on my own (admittedly picked up afterwards but only because they wouldn't have let me home afterwards), I do rather see the OP's and e.g. whiskyowl's point.

It may be galling, but her issue should then be with her DH, not her in-laws.

Thanks for all the responses, and to answer a few questions - it is a MINOR day surgery procedure, booked in advance. He is not ill, he just cannot drive himself home afterwards and MIL does not drive. I don't hate them at all, but I have made comments before about FIL taking advantage (hence the 'why do you hate my parents?' thing)- DH was annoyed with me for suggesting something other than him doing it. I have tried to keep my opinions to myself on this for years now, as he is an adult and makes his own decisions. However I don't like the way they take advantage of his good nature and kindness. If you KNOW that someone will always offer when you drop great big hints, then you are manipulating them. He was just there two weeks ago so it's not as if he doesn't see them.
When I had hospital appointments recently after surgery he did of course offer to take days off and drive me there but I said I would use Red Cross transport (you have to pay but it is less than a taxi and they escort you and wait for you - they are wonderful) as I was not ill but on crutches. I had consideration for my DH and did not want him to use his precious holiday allowance on an unnecessary thing. That time should be for him to relax, spend on hobbies or go for days out etc.
We don't have kids so I'm afraid I can't put myself in their position but I understand the negative comments. We get on well with them, they visit us, we visit them and spend Christmas together etc, but I just think they should be more considerate to their own son - it's not about me.

Trinity66

What is wrong with people though? No way I would let my mom get a cab home if she'd been in hospital, I'd be driving her home, no arguments

Couldn't agree more.

And to the PP laughing at my phrase "bundled into the back of the taxi" what I meant was that a taxi is a public vehicle operated by someone who is running a business and doesn't give a shit. It will also be (typically) less hygenic/nicer than a person's private car because it will have had lots of members of the public traipsing through picking their noses, sneezing etc.

Other little things too - that you are in total control of the environment - if its' cold/warm you can adjust it to exactly how you want it - which makes a difference if you're a bit ropey after an op. Recline a seat to precisely how you want it and so on. In a cab it's either heat or no heat.

It is nicer to be driven home by a member of your family who cares about you than to be made to get a cab. As I said before it's not about money, it's about comfort and care.

Maybe it is a family culture thing but I really don't get this "look after themselves they are adults" approach. My parents cared for me my whole childhood and still do now as an adult. Why on earth wouldn't I WANT to drive one of them home after a op if they couldn't drive themselves?

I think it's all a bit cold and callous really.

@Clandestino

And instead of criticising your DH for driving on bad roads - how about you suggest him to stay with your PILs for the time? They may be your PILs but they are his parents! I think you are massively BU.

OP's husband IS staying with his parents. OP has said he needs to get back to work the next day so will need to drive late at night the night before.

How is it manipulative

It's manipulative because they played the 'helpless' card.

The 'death road' is indeed horrible - don't want to say where exactly but very rural, very narrow and twisty, often roadblocked with flooding/snow etc, goes very high up with sheer drop on one side or the other. So horrible in fact that the PILs refuse to use it, and drive an extra 50 miles/1 hour out of the way to use better roads if they come here. DH is not as bothered as me but will admit that it's not something to look forward to.

It wouldn't be cold and callous for MIL to go with FIL to hospital and then accompany him back in a taxi. We help our parents and inlaws out with lifts and so on and vice versa but they I know in the OP's scenario they would feel it is too much to ask.

I think MiL is worried about the procedure and wants company while she waits in case anything goes wrong. It's a lift to a hospital, not the airport. They would get a taxi for that, presumably. Wouldn't you have wanted to do the same for your parents?

@MinervaSaidThar in that case I'd be pushing him to stay for the night and drive to work directly. Early morning but he can have a good sleep.
Seriously. I don't get this thread at all. Elderly people can feel a bit unsecure so if they need help and they are not known for being manipulative bastards who never bothered with the OP and DH otherwise, why be so ignorant to their needs?

I don't get why they have to drive to and from PILs' house while he has the op.

I agree, they're taking advantage. But equally, your DH is letting them do so.

Maybe it is a family culture thing but I really don't get this "look after themselves they are adults" approach. My parents cared for me my whole childhood and still do now as an adult. Why on earth wouldn't I WANT to drive one of them home after a op if they couldn't drive themselves?

Totally agree with this.

Not everywhere has red cross transport. And after - even minor - day surgery the hospital where I live expects people to go home with a responsible person and that's not a random taxi driver!

People who keep saying they're elderly- where does it say this? Why this assumption? Bloody hell even if they are it doesn't mean they're infirm and incapable! Elderly is normally in reference to anyone 65 years+. My parents are and they are more active than people half their age! They exercise, they walk, they socialise and have other hobbies. Being elderly doesn't suddenly make you 'insecure' and incapable of living. Stop bloody going on about elderly people as if there is no hope left for them ffs!

I don't have my parents around anymore but I am sure they would not have done this, they would have made their own arrangements and I would do the same in a situation like this.
I don't know yet if he'll stay another night, looks like he will, but he'd still be driving in the dark in the morning in order to get to work at a reasonable time. His decision of course.
Clandestino - in the years I have known them they have always been like this and I have usually kept my opinions to myself rather than start a row or have bad feelings between us. As I have said before, it's not about me - not at all - it's about DH.

Agree with Thymeout
I think YAB a little bit U, OP. They are not asking you to go anyway.
I would want to do the same for my parents, and they for me.

If you were as considerate about your dh as you insist you are, you wouldn't be making life more difficult by complaining about him doing something he's happy to do for his parents. You'd respect his choice and that he'd rather help them than have them use public transport.

My parents are the opposite, they are in their late 80s and are stubbornly independent - recently had a horrendous journey getting to an airport because they 'don't like to ask for help'. . I've just almost had a row with my mother as she wanted to host the Christmas lunch instead of letting me do it - as previously agreed ! They hate to think they are slowing down or being dependent on anyone else.

I think your DH sounds a lovely person to care about his parents, and surely we all use annual leave for things other than just holidays or 'relaxing'.

I'd be annoyed too if my husband did this, it's the sort of thing he'd do. My in laws very much think the world revolves around them, they'd do the same thing dropping hints and expect him to do it.

If I'm being honest though (I love that I can be on here) I can't stand them so that would have something to do with my annoyance .

And after - even minor - day surgery the hospital where I live expects people to go home with a responsible person and that's not a random taxi driver

OP's FIL would be going home with his wife. Why would she not be a responsible person?

Actually, I strongly doubt that any hospital does this anyway. When I've had minor surgery they've shown zero interest in my plans for getting home. And when my 85 year old mother was in hospital after a stroke, they made arrangements to transfer her to another hospital by taxi when she would have been on her own. Purely fortuitously, I was there and was able to travel with her. As it happened, there was another elderly patient being taken home by the same taxi, and she was left completely to the care of the taxi driver.

Ragwort - yes, he is a lovely person and someone who cannot say no to anyone, unlike me, so I guess I feel protective of what I see as abuse of his good nature.

Interesting to read the different viewpoints, thanks all, even if you think I'm a heartless DIL from hell..
BTW I don't have health problems as such, but had major surgery last year followed by complications and am now disabled because of this. No, PILs did not visit me during any of my stays in hospital, just to give a bit more background, so if major surgery and life-threatening complications do not warrant a visit then I'm not sure a minor day surgery procedure does, hence my not going with DH.

It's entirely up to your DH if he wishes to do this for his parents - I did it for mine on many occasions. I think YABU and don't understand why you are annoyed.

I love the description of the 'perilous' journey to the PILs - was it on one of these roads: by any chance

OP it’s fine for you not to want to accompany your DH. But it is entirely to his credit that he wishes to go and help his parents. Perhaps he wants to see them.

I’ve ‘been there’ with manipulating in laws. Believe me, I could write the book. But in this instance, I think YABU.

I think yanbu but mostly because of the way your pil's have treated you when you have been in hospital. My 4 year old has had a number of minor ops (as well as some major ones) and it gets lonely sat on my own at the hospital. It would be nice to have someone to come and sit with me, bring me food, supervise ds while I go to the loo etc. However if someone is dismissive of your major operation and then expects people to rally round when they have minor surgery then that's not on and I can see why you're cross about it.

OP you are being extremely unreasonable. Even if it is only minor day surgery your DH should be there for his parents. They are after all his parents. I really don't understand the MN mentality of as soon as a man is married he should dump his parents as much as possible which comes across in a lot of posts I've seen 🤔

Hmm. I think you are interfering where you are not wanted, tbh. It's up to your dh to decide when his good nature is being abused, not for you to effectively tell him you think his niceness is actually weakness and he lets himself be walked all over (or you do, indeed, rather dislike his parents!).