AIBU to be annoyed with manipulative PILs?

[ginghamstarfish]

PILs live a 2 hour drive away (horrible dangerous drive especially in bad weather, very rural/hilly on tiny narrow roads). They are fit and active, wealthy, (eg just flew first class on longhaul hols). FIL had a minor day surgery procedure booked for this week, and would not be able to drive himself home after it, and MIL does not drive. No shortage of taxi firms in their town, they have many friends there etc, but they manipulated my DH into taking 2 days off work and acting as an unpaid taxi service. As they know full well, it took only 'oh, don't know what we'll do ...' etc for him to feel he had to offer. Yes, his decision but that's the way he is and we all know it (and shouldn't take advantage of his kind nature). I said he should tell them about Red Cross transport if they don't want to pay for taxis, as I have used for many hospital appointments when I could not drive after recent surgery. This prompted 'why do you hate my parents' etc so I can't say anything about it now without coming across as a cold-hearted evil cow. But I'm annoyed! Visiting someone who's ill, yes of course, that's a different matter entirely, but this is literally just going there as a chauffeur - 2 hours to get there the day before - they insisted he arrive for lunchtime, (and very early hospital appt next morning), 1 hour each way to hospital, back to the house to wait with MIL, 1 hour each way back to hospital to collect FIL, then he will drive 2 hours home tonight in the dark (on the 'death road' as I think of it) as he can't have another day off, and will arrive back completely knackered. I might be coming across here as unsympathetic but it's really bugged me as it seems so selfish and demanding. Perhaps I should ask them to come here and drive me to my next hospital appointment?

Minor surgery... He could be having a wart removed. And he isn't on his own, he has his wife there to support him. The parents should get a taxi. Whether or not the OP hates them is irrelevant. If this is any indication of the future as the parents get older then OPs husband is going to be taking a lot of time off work.

I'm into my eighth decade, as are most of my friends. I can honestly say that we all do everything we can to live our lives without calling on our dcs, as we know that they all lead busy lives - work, children, hobbies etc., but we all know that in the case of a real emergency, our dcs would be moving heaven and earth to help us. Honestly? I thought most parents were like that.

Very well put @Sallythedog

You are being totally unreasonable.

He's an adult and he can help his parents if he wants to. It's a nice thing to do.

Your point about a taxi is just nasty to be honest. If you've had an operation and are (typically post any op) feeling a bit vulnerable and "been through the wars" - it feels far nicer, more secure - as well as loved and cared for - to be driven home in your own or your close relatives private car than to be bundled home in public transport - which is what a taxi is.

Personally I think your attitude is unpleasant and unkind. How would you feel if that was you at that age? And one of your children's spouses had that attitude to you being driven home?

It's not about money at all. It's about love and care for a family member.

But the Dil remains that DIL I hope I never get.

Why? Just because OP is concerned for her husband? I would think PIL would be pleased to have a DIL that was so concerned for her DHs welfare. There are two sides to every story. We don't know the sort of relationship they all have and we don't know what PIL are normally like. So it's a bit unkind to say that DIL before receiving all the facts.

I think part of OP's concern is that this was a minor day surgery, but also perhaps the thin end of a future wedge.
It sounds as though she OP has ongoing health difficulties of her own and rather than make her DH take time off work , or asking his fit, wealthy and retired parents for help (or maybe it wasn't offered) has made do with taxis etc herself for her own medical needs.
It's clear she doesn't like them imposing on her DH's good nature, tiring him out and adding unnecessary drives to and from their house when MIL could go there with both of them and wait, and perhaps OP is worried if this situation will continue to grow in future.

She doesn't seem to have a good relationship with them, and this is why she resents the situation. Not enough to go on in that respect really. With PILs who have rarely helped and criticized every little thing, I sympathise.

Do you live in the Andes or something, where on earth is a road so dangerous that it's a "death" road, in this country? I've driven all around it in a massive camper and can't think of a place connecting two towns that is so bad??

And to PP If he was just having a wart removed he wouldn't not be able to drive.

Not being able to drive means it's something that interferes with that ability - eg. minor eye surgery or anaesthetic or arm in a sling type issue.

YANBU. They sound tight. WHen FIL had to attend an outpatients appointment following routine surgery, MIL (who doesn't drive) went up and down the street canvassing the busy working neighbours for a lift because she wouldn't pay for a taxi (we're too far away).
Tight. The demands will only increase as they get older.

Jeez he's looking after his sick dad get a grip

How do we know he's sick? I've had minor surgery a few times and I can't say I thought of myself as being sick. And in fact I got to and from the hospital all by myself each time.

Describing a taxi journey as being "bundled home in public transport" is, frankly, ridiculous.

Describing a taxi journey as being "bundled home in public transport" is, frankly, ridiculous.

I thought this was hilarious. I had this picture of him having a bag placed over his head, restrained and being bundled into the back of a taxi by a team of people. Makes you wonder what sort of taxis people have encountered in life

This wouldn't bother me. DH and I always agreed that neither of us would interfere with the care needed by our elderly parents. I kept the home fires burning when MiL was in declining health, he did the same for me through my dad's protracted illness. The same now as my mum is in a care home. Yes, sometimes it was inconvenient but they are our parents and it is a privilege to be able to 'give back' some of the care they gave us when we were children.

I don't know how it is for you and your parents, but remember that the time may come when you need his consideration and help with them, or with others of your loved ones.

Ceto

OK, "Dad who's just had surgery" is that better?, either way it's irrelevant, the husband wants to help his dad out, big flippin deal, he sounds like a lovely person and a good son. I hope my kids grow up as caring as him. The OP is being totally unreasonable. What right does she have to tell her husband he can't help his parents out, bloody hell

But then so is describing almost any road in the UK as a "death road". Unless you are talking about the M25.

I don't know where OP means but there's lots of dramatic talk on her side too.

Honestly, maybe DH wants to spend time with his parents ?

It’s so strange how different our expectations are of each other. In my family we’d totally do this - travel to be with someone having even minor surgery, be their taxi service etc etc. We’ve done similar for DHs mum many many times. It’s odd because his DB And SIL are the only people I know among wider family who aren’t like this. They’ll do some things, but are much much more likely than any of us to prioritise what they want to do over what others want.

I don’t judge them (maybe I do a tiny bit but I really try hard not to) but it makes me feel a bit like DH and I are mugs. We’re the ones who always rejig our holidays to accommodate others, have his mum stay for weeks and months when she was recently widowed etc etc. But a few years ago I realised this is who we are, these are our values and we’ll always be “mugs” when it comes to family - and it’s fine. Sounds like your DH is fine with it, so YABU to call it “manipulation” and it really does sound like you loathe your in laws.

I’d like to think all the money and taxi services in the world can’t really replace having your family with you when you’re ill/having surgery etc.

whiskeyowl my points are

1. The son wants to do this for his parents.it is his choice , and their preference.

1. As they live some distance away he probably also wants to reassure himself that they are both ok so he doesn't have to worry about a possible phone call saying things haven't gone well meaning an anxious emergency dash along the "death road".

3 Some people want to show care and compassion even towards people who are well and sprightly.

And since we don't know what the surgery is then maybe not our place to assume that even someone well and sprightly is ok afterwards.Some day care procedures require strong sedation, or strong painkillers,or gas and air. They may involve uncomfortable side effects, or some reduced mobility.

Great that so many people whizz off to daysurgery on their own, in many cases however day units advise that help is available. I think it is lovely that this son is offering help to his parents. Not everyone is capable of removing their own appendix, though to read some of the comments on this thread you would assume that self administered surgery is the lodestone of independence if you are over 60.

I'm guessing there is a back story of them taking advantage of him, which may change my answer. However, from the information you have provided I think YABU and unkind. I would happily do this for DM or DPIL and hope they would for me.

Not everyone is capable of removing their own appendix, though to read some of the comments on this thread you would assume that self administered surgery is the lodestone of independence if you are over 60.

lmao spot on though. What is wrong with people though? No way I would let my mom get a cab home if she'd been in hospital, I'd be driving her home, no arguments and If I couldn't my DH would be offering.

Look at it this way...

If the OP's husband didn't drive, would the parents still need him there?

If yes, and the surgery is indeed minor, then they need to seriously think about how they are going to cope with these parents getting older and the inevitable increasing frequency of medical appointments.

If no, then they're being cf's and abusing his good nature.

viques - Yep, I grant your first point. I think if the OP has an issue here, it's with him.

I think the reassurance point is silly. A routine day procedure is unlikely to go catastrophically wrong. The reason people aren't kept in hospital overnight is that these things are really minor and don't require expert observation for longer than a couple of hours. Uncomfortable side effects do not require the entire family at the bedside, hanging anxiously on every breath. If the person isn't OK afterwards, they will be kept in under expert care.

And help is available - in the shape of a fit, active, mentally well MIL.

I just think it's fussy overkill and I would be annoyed at any adult of any age requesting help for something so minor as a bit pathetic. Having had both parents go through cancer, however, I think my standards of "minor" and "major" are more calibrated than most to actually life-threatening versus minor inconveniences. I wouldn't drive 3 hours to accompany my mother through a mole removal, because my Dad is there. I did, however, go with her to chemo.

Wart removal, sorry! Not mole!

I have a DH like the OP’s, very kind and always ready to step in for his DM. But she is a widow, as is my DM, so it’s understandable really. (Although I do think she puts on an excessively miserable voice in her telephone messages to manipulate him sometimes.)

But after an operation I do think it’s reasonable that your DH should want to help his parents, and I wouldn’t complain about it too much. I sometimes tell my DH that he gets excessively involved in helping his DM, but me saying it doesn’t change anything, so it’s best to let him get on with it. Yes, it is also nice that he cares so much.

Are you being left with triplet newborns?

Exactly Wishyowl. I've had similar experience of supporting relatives with terminal illness, which is perhaps why I think the PILs are over reacting. There's been a lot of fuss about the road, but maybe she means a long drive through a sharply winding unlit country road at night verses a nice wide A road. I guess it centres on the fact that if people love you and are kind to you - of course you'd do anything for them. If not - then it's only natural to question their demands for situations that are not urgent, although most probably wouldn't hesitate if it was a serious issue, it doesn't sound like this is. My OH took a week off work to help out a relative who was caring for a terminally ill person - she just wanted someone else in the house.

You and your DH are grownups. If he wants to help his DPs, what's wrong with that? If you don't want to visit them after surgery - don't. Nothing wrong with that either.

Is it because they're his parents, not yours?

Are you being left while in labour?

You can't do enough for your parents. Never can. Never will.

Relax girl, you're not addressing the real reason you're mad at them. If anything, they care more about him being taken advantage of than anyone...including you I'm afraid.