To wonder how SAHM/Home makers keep their shit together?

[Emlou07]

Now I know I probably am being unreasonable, as I know I’m very lucky to be in a position where I am able to be at home with my children while my other half works. But 4 years in and I STILL haven’t worked out how to keep the kids happy, the house tidy, the washing done and everything else in order!

I am no domestic goddess and I’m starting to wonder if those who do it effortlessly are in to black magic or something! 🤔

Some people do it while working too so maybe ask them

Big difference looking after a house with a child(ren) in it all day and a house that's been empty all day if you're out working.

Going out to work is much much easier! It's one of the main reasons I do it.

I keep on top of it now because my kids are older but also because I do little bits at a time like others have said. So when I go to the loo I stop and sort the dishwasher or load the washing machine. I clean the worktops when I get a drink. I sweep up mess and dust and pet hair when I see it with a handheld hoover.

Also I've decluttered MASSIVELY. And I keep doing it. I go through the toy boxes and places where clutter seems to collect really frequently and be ruthless about getting rid of things.

@It'sgoodtobehome

It's not a big deal. It's just a list of how I fit in all the little jobs that build up if you don't do them as you go.

I'm not claiming to be super busy or doing more or less than anyone else whether they work outside of the home or not. I was explaining that all the little chores have to just become part of an everyday routine rather than be considered a discrete job to do.

The OP asked how other SAHP manage it and I gave an example of how I manage it as a SAHM with 5 children. Little and often throughout the day. I wouldn't be able to do that if I was at work all day because I wouldn't bloody be there would I? If I worked I would do it in the morning, evening or weekends instead. Or I would employ someone else to do it. But that's not what the OP asked.

Going out to work is much much easier! It's one of the main reasons I do it

I agree with you there. I've done both, at least when I worked 40 hours a week I had guaranteed breaks everyday.

DeleteOrDecay

It always does

Cleaning the toilet twice a day!? That would be a big deal to me.

Going out to work is much much easier! It's one of the main reasons I do it

Much easier for you. Personally I don't agree. It very much depends on your job.

That said, I do agree that there's an awful lot more to do in the way of cleaning/tidying/cooking etc when children are at home all day. I did find I had to allow my standards to slip, especially when the DC were little. I found it impossible to keep my house as clean/tidy as it was before I had children. It just a constant round of clean and repeat I'm afraid. I found keeping clutter to a minimum helped. Never have more toys than I have storage for. Always have a good clear out before birthdays/Christmas etc.

Lower your standards!

We have a few regular activities a week; 2 full on housework mornings where I (and Ds if so inclined) do proper housework; tidy the lounge and kitchen every night; ensure 5 X school uniform sets for the older 2 dc so it doesn't matter if I don't get washing done. I plan everything out on a weekly planner every week, including jobs/phone calls/ other things I need to do, meals - and get them done.

A relatively new concept which has helped my mental health no end has been a designated 'me day'- obviously still with Ds, but one day a week I do virtually no domestic or housework and instead do nice things/ hobbies that are for me and make me happy. Recently that's been doing simple Christmas crafts and cards, baking, reading, whatever. It's not always a whole day, but if Ds plays in the same room I can get a few hours of 'fun time' for myself which I was sorely missing.

I found I was spending either a lot of time doing housework, or none at all. Now I do 2 blitz cleans which I liken to having a cleaner, and the rest of the time just try to keep it tidy. Honestly, no one has noticed that it's not immaculate because it was never immaculate anyway!

I find being a sahm very challenging, often boring, and felt like I was wasting away the days until I went back to work. I am starting to enjoy it more and feel more valued because I am getting more from it for myself.

It has taken me years to figure this out, but eventually I feel like I have.

The key to having things sorted and a clean and tidy home and garden, well maintained with DIY projects done and looking spruce is....... (choose one from menu a and one from menu b to work in harmony)

Menu A

A healthy adult living in the house who does not work outside the home.
Minimalist look and minimal possessions.

Menu B

Enough disposable income for a regular cleaning and gardening service.
A room on each floor of the house that is designated ‘behind the scenes’.

Other things that help are minimal storage, and built in furniture.

Me and dp were working 40 plus hours a week plus going to the gym 4 nights and having a spotless house and homemade bread, cake, icecream. Needless to say iv now had a break down and had to leave my job. Now it seems easier but i have a small house and only one dd who is 9. I think tidy houses and having extra money is so overrated. Just hope for happy and healthy lifes to bloody short

storage. if your house is large enough to have plenty of storage that helps. (if you do not have to pack everything carefully into kitchen cupboards like some 3D game of tetris it is easier and quicker to put things away.

being organised and getting rid of surplus stuff. fewer things less tidying.

not having two children in two schools opposite sides of the city, both of whom need dropping and collecting due to age or disability. (on average I spend 3 hours on a school run per day, part of which is waiting around at one or other school for after school clubs)

having kids that are not autistic/adhd etc. when a kid throws stuff and trashes things then it is not easy to get your act together. or if you are dealing with prevnting meltdowns or damage limitation in a meltdown.

hvaing parents and children without illnesses or disabilities that take up lots of time or energy. or the endless appointments.

As said upthread, some people have immaculate homes because they prioritise that above everything, and with playing with dc. IME it may come back and bite you in the ass! I know!
Luckily for me I have a "second chance" and usually domestic jobs do not take priority now. Life really is too short.

Reading this I realise I've totally stuffed myself - I'm at work part time, and in the days I work, the kids are home with the nanny. So they make all the mess even though I'm out. Nanny puts on 2 loads of washing per week and obviously wipes up after meals and tidies living room in the evening. But she doesn't "CLEAN" to the same standard I do as I go along, or each night, no hoovering or cleaning toilets or sorting toys/chucking out old stuff. Still feels like an avalanche of housework and admin every night. so perhaps I'm the mythical SAHAWOH mother who Does It All. I'm so proud. and knackered.

sausage - one toy in the sitting room at a time?!

The reason some SAHM say they are 'lucky' to be able to stay home with their children is not some throwback to the '50s - but more a recognition that there are many families out there who need to have both parents working just to make end meet, or are singe parent families.
Or at least that is why I say it. Having that choice is to me a privilege, and one I am very aware of.

Same
@MrsFrisbyMouse . I consider myself fortunate that we're in a position where I have the choice to be at home or at work. It's not pure luck here, we both worked hard pre-DC to save save save, were sensible when we bought a new house to ensure we bought one that would remain in our budget if we dropped to one income and we budget carefully now. We don't drive new cars or have extravagant holidays.

But, there are people who work/save/are as sensible as we've been who still don't have the choices we have. So we're not lucky, but we are fortunate.

My solution was to go back to work and make my dh do half (And I do mean half, not just pissing about with the bins and the lawnmower once a week).

Doesn't work if you want to be a sahm though.

I find it relatively easy now my 2 youngest are over a year old. I don't have high standards though.

We go out most days so it's not constantly getting messy.
I have little routines and rituals to keep on top of the basics
I don't spend all day on MN
I enjoy the kids! I say that because that really is the most important part about being at home to me. You can worry too much about being a domestic goddess but there's plenty of years ahead where time will be there, just enjoy them.

As said upthread, some people have immaculate homes because they prioritise that above everything, and with playing with dc. IME it may come back and bite you in the ass! I know!

This is spot on. There is no black magic OP just what people prioritise. We have spent half the day playing in leaves, I wish I could box today and have it again and again. The hoovering will be there tomorrow but the babies won't. I absolutely love being a SAHM.

Tippexy - Have I touched a nerve? If there are no children home all day then of course it's easier. Before I had children and worked my house was spotless! Now trying to juggle absolutely everything and 2 small children is hard. But I guess we can't all be perfect, ay!

More to the point, why does it even have to turn into a stay at home VS working debate?! Glad I didn't say 'full time mums' 😏🙄

Thanks to everyone else for the tips and humour! I raise a glass to you all 😂😘

4 years in and in STILL don't have my shit together.. Hugs!

If you have a nanny you are also not doing what a Sahm of preschool children does, or else you wouldn't have a nanny!

I'm always astounded that people feel the need to put sahms in their box by claiming to "do everything they do plus work". Why? The only way anyone asking a sahm of preschool children role and working is if they look after the children, entertain, nurture, educate, socialise, clean, nurse and feed them at the exact same time that they do paid work. As well as the rest of the domestic and cleaning load obviously.

Even if you work from home, you're not doing what a sahm does unless you work and do childcare simultaneously, and if you have a partner they only do the same share of childcare they'd do if you were a sahm (so say 50% of evenings and weekends and night waking at most).

Some people manage part time work from home or shift work on that basis, but to work full time in a paid role would only be possible if you didn't need to sleep (not just as a hyperbolic figure of speech way, but in a physically lethal within 3 weeks way) or neglected all but your child's most basic physiological needs while working (which would anyway mean you were not doing what a sahm of preschool children does, unless she's very unwell!)

Cleaning is part of being a sahm, but most of it is nurturing, educating, socialising, and caring for a child or multiple children all of the time.

On the other hand the way to keep your shit together during those years is to take the kids outdoors as much as possible, not own too much "stuff", and lower your housekeeping standards.

I work now and come home to 3 school aged children. Being a sahm to preschool children is harder than working full time and coming home to children who are with other people all day.