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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel jealous of colleague

33 replies

moutonfou · 21/11/2017 08:43

I know I ABU but can't seem to stop it!

I have a colleague at work who I find very fake. She acts like everyone is her best friend, is always bringing up 'in-jokes', and is super needy, for example always going on about how busy/stressed she is or being dramatic about every little thing. What irks me is that it seems to work and everybody makes a massive fuss of her.

I just can't be that kind of person. I'm the kind of person that just gets on with my work rather than shouting about it, and lets friendships naturally form rather than being sickly friendly with everyone. So the relative 'fuss' that I get is astronomically lower. And I know I have no right to be jealous because I won't 'play the game', but I am.

How do you shut down the green-eyed monster?!

OP posts:
Dolwar · 21/11/2017 08:44

In my experience these people are often massively insecure and she is probably super jealous of your ability to make friends without the need to be fake

JaneyGotAGun · 21/11/2017 09:18

I work with someone exactly like this and it's infuriating- she stomps in every day moaning loudly about her latest drama and everyone fawns all over her!

She super nice to everyone but then bitches and stirs behind their backs.

I feel like I'm the only one who sees her true colours

IrenetheQuaint · 21/11/2017 09:21

She sounds annoying, but she's not doing you any harm. Just get on with your work, and focus on your life outside the office.

Adviceplease360 · 21/11/2017 09:21

I work with someone exactly like this and it's infuriating- she stomps in every day moaning loudly about her latest drama and everyone fawns all over her!

She super nice to everyone

This is me except I don't bitch.

Poshtottykins · 21/11/2017 09:33

'She is super nice to everyone' - there's a clue. You'r more of an introvert, she's an extrovert - honestly - unless shes fake and bitching behind everones back - get over it !.

CandleLit · 21/11/2017 09:38

Others like you will also see her true colours. I worked with someone like this - everyone's best friend, suked up to bosses, bitched like mad behind everyones back. We've both since left that office and no one invites her out whereas I see my old mates all the time. Her friendships were shallow and once she left and people were sort of out of her thrall, all the bitchiness came to light.

Ttbb · 21/11/2017 09:42

Oh my god, you are at work not high school. Grow up and do your job.

Original poster
moutonfou · 21/11/2017 09:49

Ttbb what a nice attitude Hmm

Thanks everyone, as I said I know it's irrational - I guess all you can do is be yourself and hope it's good enough for someone.

OP posts:
Ttbb · 21/11/2017 09:55

I could say the same for you. This kind of childishness in the office is just beyond me. I really don't u derstand how people think this is ok.

Wishingandwaiting · 21/11/2017 09:56

By appreciating that if we were all the same, the world would be a booody boring place.

You offer something. She offers something.

Failing that, suck it up. Nothing you can do about it.

gingerclementine · 21/11/2017 09:59

This woman comes into the room with energy, conversation and is nice to everyone. People respond.
You don't. They don't.
If you're jealous, try being a bit warmer and more open and see if people respond.

Anatidae · 21/11/2017 10:02

There’s usually one in every workplace.

Just ignore it. There’s no need to be jealous. What exactly are you jealous of?

ToEarlyForDecorations · 21/11/2017 10:05

I worked with someone like this although, nobody liked her. Her high handedness was legendary.

I remember once her coming up to a co-worker on the verge of tears saying, 'I might not be in tomorrow'. Turns out she had period pain !

WTF !

The 'performance parenting' over the phone when she was talking to her kids was just something else !

Had to say goodbye loudly when she left. I described her to my husband, he remarked, 'my exit music please'. I thought, yeah.

Nettletheelf · 21/11/2017 10:08

Why do you care about attracting ‘fuss’?

Why are you jealous of this woman when you clearly despise her? Do you really mean to say that you can’t stand her and want to get over that, rather than that you are envious of her? I sometimes envy people who have things that I’d like to have, eg people who have been more successful in their careers, or who have Gucci coats, or don’t have to work hard to stay slim, etc., but I don’t dislike them the way you seem to dislike your colleague.

I’m with the posters who suggest that you suck it up. I feel quite sorry for this woman actually. You appear to have taken violently against her. Perhaps that is what is making her insecure?

sizenines · 21/11/2017 10:10

What is there to be jealous of? This woman sounds a PITA to me. And you have a right to your feelings.

Social pressure from co-workers is what you don't need in the workplace. Because of the hive mentality very few of the people are actual friends if you examine more closely. Being 'friendly' (but not friends in the social sense) and professional should be possible, and if it's not IIWM I would look for a better job in that respect.

Work earns you money to live, that's why you're there, not as entertainment for the needy.

Mittens1969 · 21/11/2017 10:11

I don’t see what the big deal is. If you don’t like her take no notice. I’ve known a few people like this, they’re annoying but so what? She’s a colleague but it doesn’t mean you have to be mates.

HateSummer · 21/11/2017 10:12

There was one in my last job. It was really weird because after a drink or 2 on a work night her personality would change. She’d get really quiet and start making passive aggressive comments with this intimidating look in her eye. I saw her do this 3 times. Hardly the life of the party like she was during the day at work. Maybe that was her inner self? Who knows. She could get bitchy behind people’s backs too but it was always done in a “fun” way Confused

shutitandtidyupgitface · 21/11/2017 10:14

I think you should work on your attitude. It sounds like she is probably just a perfectly nice normal person and you have a severe problem because people like her more than you.
There is no mystery there, people don't gravitate towards people who are nasty and rude about others.

Ohyesiam · 21/11/2017 10:22

What about it is pushing your buttons?
Do you need more attention ( nothing wrong with that, everyone needs attention)?
You obviously dislike the manipulative way your colleague gets attention, so maybe you could be more direct about it? You could;
Organise gatherings/ meals,
Ask people out for coffee/
lunch where you'll get some one to one attention,
Go for a massage,
Tell partner/ close friends that you need a bit of love. Whatever that would look like to you, maybe being listened to, having your feet rubbed , being given some feedback about a particular thing you've done.

You wouldn't be jealous if she want getting something that deep down you need.

coddiwomple · 21/11/2017 10:23

co-worker on the verge of tears saying, 'I might not be in tomorrow'. Turns out she had period pain !

Periods can be so bad they make miscarriages feel like a bit of vague boring cramping in comparisons.

Nettletheelf · 21/11/2017 10:23

At least the OP knows that she is being unreasonable!

Seriously, OP, don’t turn into one of those cliched women in offices who silently hate female colleagues who are more outgoing/popular/attractive and do their best to make their lives miserable. I’ve worked with a few of those. They just end up bitter and unhappy.

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/11/2017 10:25

Teach yourself not to feel jealousy. It sounds drippy but it's possible. I genuinely don't know the last time I felt jealous of anyone because I've learned that it's the most pointless of all emotions. Every time I felt jealous, I'd walk away from the situation and give myself a bollocking. Every time I'd see something on social media that raised the green-eyed monster I'd make myself find five things about my life I love and focus on those.

It sounds totally batshit but it honestly has worked. Jealousy is the biggest waste of a person's time and the biggest waste of emotion. Let folk get on with things and forget how you feel about her.

DJBaggySmalls · 21/11/2017 10:31

I dont think you are jealous of her, I think you are jealous of the easy way she attracts attention.

But she isnt making deep friendships. She's silly and shallow, she is attracting the people who will facilitate her to be allowed to stand in her shadow.
If you want to make friends at work, stop being passive and waiting for others to make the first move!

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 21/11/2017 10:36

Op don't bite- Tt is often on threads just being a GF.

I have a long term friend ( over 30 years since we were kids ) and she is very much like this. We also live in the same street.

She is extremely fake and is a compulsive liar. She does have many "redeeming" qualities too Grin

She is fawned over at work, bends over backwards to help people etc and posts on social media about how fabulous her life is.

Except it isn't.

Her marriage is falling apart
She is deeply unhappy.
She buys people's friendship.

She screams at her dc so loud I hear it from my house. On social media she is a doting mum etc etc.

Do not be fooled by people. She is probably massively insecure and is more likely to be jealous of you.

People absolutely fascinate me!!

thecatsthecats · 21/11/2017 10:47

One of my favourite pieces of advice is that you can't be jealous about a single thing in someone's life. You have to be jealous of the whole person. If you literally want every aspect of their life to replace your own, then you can be jealous.

If not, then you can't, because only the whole picture is the true one. If you were as ditzy and attention seeking as her, your own real friends probably wouldn't like you. So you'd lose them.

It's like being jealous of the person who leaves at 4pm, when they arrived at 8am to be able to do it. One only works with the other.