Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset about the things my friend says to me?

84 replies

ProperLavs · 20/11/2017 17:09

I have a friend I have known for a couple of years. She is, how can I say, quirky and very outspoken. I would say bordering on rude. I have often wondered if she is aspergic.

She pops round for a cup of tea, always unannounced after school once a week. This isn't a problem in itself but I have started to really dread her visits.

Every time, without fail she will make a comment about me. She used to do this when we worked together, daily. She would comment on the way I walked, the clothes I wore " that don't suit you, your parting makes you look old, those shoes are horrible" etc etc. Then she would always tell me I was silly and sensitive if I challenged her.

I have low self esteem as far as my looks are concerned anyway.

Today I was showing her a hat I had bought. I put it on and she said that it really suited me ( so far so good) " yes it suits your hooked nose" ( my nose is large and hooked and I have always been paranoid about it)
I challenged her in a sort of "oh thanks friend you think I have a hooked nose?'
"yes you have a hooked nose properlavs, I tell it like it is but don't be so silly, it suits your face"
She made me feel that i was being crazy for being upset.

She then left to take her son somewhere.

When she left I burst into tears.

I would never say that to someone. If were complimenting someone like that I would say it suited their features, made then look attractive.

I am really confused,. Am I being over sensitive or is she being horrible? Some perspective would be useful.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 20/11/2017 17:12

Aspergic????
If you dread her visits why not just pretend to be out when she calls round?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/11/2017 17:13

Start pointing out her flaws.

"You have a hooked nose" "Why are you always so rude?"

or just tell her to fuck off or stop being a rude bitch.

Allabitmuchisntit · 20/11/2017 17:15

She's being horrible. Get rid.

ProperLavs · 20/11/2017 17:15

aspergic, in that she doesn't seem to understand social etiquette at all.

She comes in the back door.

When she came in today she barked at me ' I tried to come last week but you weren't in. your car was there though."
"when last week?"
"last week'
but when
'last week."
and so on.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 20/11/2017 17:15

Friends shouldn't make comments that make you cry. If she is a good friend she will adjust her tone so as not to upset you. If she refuses, then it says something about her attitude to you...

ChequeredPasta · 20/11/2017 17:15

She’s awful. YADNBU
In my experience people like this put others down to make themselves feel better.
You sound lovely OP, you can do better than this ‘friendship’

DollyPartonsBeard · 20/11/2017 17:17

That's no friend, and people who 'tell it like it is' and 'speak as they find' are almost always insufferably rude but bizarrely think giving an advance warning of their rudeness somehow absolved them.

YABVU to use the term 'aspergic' though.

Shoxfordian · 20/11/2017 17:17

If she's not kind to you then stop being friends with her

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/11/2017 17:17

“No, I am not over-sensitive - you are rude and unkind!”

Chrys2017 · 20/11/2017 17:18

Why did you ask your friend if she thinks you have a hooked nose when you already know you do?

But in any case, as this friend upsets you so much just stop answering the door.

Strokethefurrywall · 20/11/2017 17:19

"Get the fuck out of my house you rude bitch" should suffice here.

MissionItsPossible · 20/11/2017 17:21

Tell her to keep her unwanted opinions to herself!! How bloody rude.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/11/2017 17:22

I'm sorry but how in anyway is she your "friend". I wouldn't talk like that to a maggot.

Frusso · 20/11/2017 17:22

* aspergic, in that she doesn't seem to understand social etiquette at all.*

Nope, she’s just rude, and a bit of a bully.

JamPasty · 20/11/2017 17:23

She's not your friend, ditch her.

ProperLavs · 20/11/2017 17:23

I know a number of diagnosed aspheric adults and they do have difficult sometimes with straight talk. I work with a number of autistic children too. 3 of my children have asd.
It is not a term I consider derogatory at all, but I find it useful to bear in mind to make allowances.

I did text her and told her she had upset me. she is saying my nose is beautiful.

I don't know whether she says stuff deliberately or is just unforgivable unaware of things that you should keep in your head.

For example she was aware that I was worried that i was losing my hair, she knew this and still made a comment that she thought my hair was looking thin and witchy. When I said something she told me to count myself lucky that my hair wasn't as thin as hers.

What upsets me is not simply WHAT she says but that she says it at all.

OP posts:
Venusflytwat · 20/11/2017 17:23

Are there days more likely for her visits?

Do you feel you could text her and say, “These unannounced visits aren’t working for me. I’ve got a lot on the next few weeks, can we leave it for a bit?”

If not I would keep being out for a few weeks. And lock the back door. And draw all the curtains and blinds!

DEFINITELY lock the back door. If she “catches” you in, practice saying “Sorry Maureen, can’t stop today, I’ve got stuff on” ?

ProperLavs · 20/11/2017 17:24

sorry, aspergic.

OP posts:
allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 20/11/2017 17:24

Lock your back door, so she can't come and go as she pleases.

No "friend" should be speaking to you like that, but it's hard to challenge people when you're accustomed to letting it go. Maybe send her an email to let her know you were hurt by her criticism of your appearance and then let the relationship drift. If she comes to the house, just tell her it's not convenient and don't let her in (and keep doing that until she gets the message)

DamsonGin · 20/11/2017 17:25

"I don't want your company anymore, I find you rude and you upset me."

Write it out, pin it to the inside of your door, and practice saying it a few times.

I have no patience for anyone who says I tell it like it is.

ProperLavs · 20/11/2017 17:27

I have sent her another message saying I don't welcome comments about my appearance. She has apologised. This is the first time I have stood up to her.

OP posts:
EnoughisEnough1204 · 20/11/2017 17:30

She is not your friend. She clearly enjoys making you feel uncomfortable. I would say it would be completely reasonable to text her and explain that her behaviour makes you upset and you would rather that she didn't visit you anymore. I can't see how you get anything from this friendship but she gets to use you to make herself feel better!

ZombieVampireHedgehog · 20/11/2017 17:31

Sorry OP but she doesn't really sound like a friend, you don't treat a friend that way, you generally don't dread them visiting. Is there any way of going NC? Message her and tell her you were really upset about the comment, you shouldn't have to suck it up. If she really cares she'll apologise. If she doesn't it's the perfect building blocks to cut contact.

Don't make excuses for her when some women are just mean.

Juicyfruitloop · 20/11/2017 17:32

I hate this. Rudeness excused by I'm just honest. My elderly neighbour is so rude but claims she says it how it is like it or lump it.

I would definitely get clever answers for her, I can imagine she would be shocked. Or even better dump her negative rude ass. She is really not worth any tears.

missiondecision · 20/11/2017 17:32

Don’t see her, be busy. Always busy.
She’s rude, no other way to decribe it , she sounds like she has a sense of entitlement to offend you and not take responsibility for it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread